How to get over the children that got away

[chickenandtheegg]

I can't believe I am typing this out but need some advice on an issue I've been suffering with for the past 8 months.

DH and I were approved 6 months ago, however way before we got to panel we were given access to link maker.

During stage 2 I came across 2 children on there and instantly fell in love, better yet I then found out these children were actually in our LA area, being dealt with by family finders we had our stage 2 training with.

I tried to put them out of my mind as DH reasonably advised me that we were a while off panel and tbh they weren't meeting our matching criteria.

But then a few months later (still before panel) we attended a family finding event with our LA and these children were featured, we saw videos, more pictures and it just reinforced my view that these were my children.

The 'my' in that last paragraph being the issue. DH was strongly against even mentioning this to our assessing SW as he didn't feel the same way, we have pretty set matching criteria (one child under 2) and these children were almost opposite to that, they're a sibling set, eldest was 4 (with slight additional needs) and youngest was 10 months - but I can't even explain, it was like love at first sight. The second I saw these children I knew I was the parent for them.

They stayed on link maker for ages, I checked every single day to see if they were still there, I got really upset as the days went past. Then one day, a week before panel, they were gone.

At this point I did speak to our SW who confirmed they had been matched with someone else.

But I still can't get them out of my head, I feel bereft even though I never even met them. I can't find any other children I want to match with, because I still want them. No child I see matches what I felt when I saw those 2 children.

What can I do, is this normal? DH is rightfully getting a bit frustrated at this point as he wants to be active in finding a match but I'm honestly not feeling any profile we have sent through, because they aren't those children.

[itsfreeeeeeezing1234]

Not sure what to say, but didn't want to read and run. Hand hold xx

[Jellycatspyjamas]

This will sound harsh, but they weren’t your children. They’ve clearly touched you in some way and it may be worth exploring why that is. They didn’t meet any of your matching criteria, which presumably you thought about a lot before moving forward.

I think Linkmaker is marvellous - we matched through there - but the drawback is seeing all these profiles of children and finding yourself swayed by photos or difficult stories. I know we momentarily found ourselves think “of course we can take 3 older kids with x, y and s” when none of it matched our very well thought through criteria. The thoughts you have of those children are based on your idea of how it would be to parent them which is really a fantasy. You had very limited information about them, you don’t know what the “slight” additional needs were, or indeed how slight they were, anything could have stopped that match from going ahead.

When you say your not feeling it, what does that mean? Linking is a challenge, you may well not have an emotional response to the children you’re being suggested, if you think about it it’s reasons that you wouldn’t - you don’t know them, they aren’t real to you at this stage. As you gather more information you might start to see how they would fit in your lives and build a picture of how that would be but emotional connect to children often takes time to grow. Matching is often head, then heart.

[chickenandtheegg]

@Jellycatspyjamas

This will sound harsh, but they weren’t your children. They’ve clearly touched you in some way and it may be worth exploring why that is. They didn’t meet any of your matching criteria, which presumably you thought about a lot before moving forward.

I think Linkmaker is marvellous - we matched through there - but the drawback is seeing all these profiles of children and finding yourself swayed by photos or difficult stories. I know we momentarily found ourselves think “of course we can take 3 older kids with x, y and s” when none of it matched our very well thought through criteria. The thoughts you have of those children are based on your idea of how it would be to parent them which is really a fantasy. You had very limited information about them, you don’t know what the “slight” additional needs were, or indeed how slight they were, anything could have stopped that match from going ahead.

When you say your not feeling it, what does that mean? Linking is a challenge, you may well not have an emotional response to the children you’re being suggested, if you think about it it’s reasons that you wouldn’t - you don’t know them, they aren’t real to you at this stage. As you gather more information you might start to see how they would fit in your lives and build a picture of how that would be but emotional connect to children often takes time to grow. Matching is often head, then heart.

To be honest we had a lot of info, full medical history, 2 conversations with their foster carers as part of the family finding events, full history on birth parents

Only thing we didn't have was meeting them in person.

Our LA is great with uploading a lot of info to linkmaker, far better than any other profiles I've seen on there.

I genuinely haven't felt like I want to have any child presented to me in my home since they were matched.

Am very close to throwing the towel in and getting IVF but haven't said that to our SW yet for obvious reasons

[Jellycatspyjamas]

I’ll be honest too, it’s wholly inappropriate that so much information was given to people who hadn’t even yet been approved much less considered for linking. It’s incredibly bad practice and utterly undermines the privacy of the child and their birth family. That’s not your fault but the consequences of that in practice is that you have in mind children who realistically were never going to be yours, not least because your DH didn’t feel the same way.

Are you planning to remain childless because you can’t have those two children? If not, you need to reach a place of acceptance that they are gone - grieve the loss of what you hoped for in the same way someone would grieve a pregnancy loss, revisit your matching considerations - could part of it be that you actually want a sibling pair rather than a singleton? It’s a very different ball game to adopting one, and you might need your approval criteria changed, but it can be done.

I understand the feelings of loss and think you’ve been put in this position by social workers seriously jumping the gun in terms of involving you so much in family finding when you weren’t actually in a position to proceed.

[Ted27]

If you were to decide to alter course and go down the IVF route you have no guarantees of sucess and even if you were successful, that baby won't be those children. How would that play out?
Where does your husband fit into this scenario? Does he want to give up? Would he want to go through IVF?
But you have to let them go, they aren't yours, they never where - and thats hard.
Maybe some counselling would help. At the very least you need a long hard discussion with your husband. Your post is all about you, your feelings, he clearly didn't share your connection. The match would never have gone ahead unless he felt the same.

[chickenandtheegg]

@Ted27

If you were to decide to alter course and go down the IVF route you have no guarantees of sucess and even if you were successful, that baby won't be those children. How would that play out?
Where does your husband fit into this scenario? Does he want to give up? Would he want to go through IVF?
But you have to let them go, they aren't yours, they never where - and thats hard.
Maybe some counselling would help. At the very least you need a long hard discussion with your husband. Your post is all about you, your feelings, he clearly didn't share your connection. The match would never have gone ahead unless he felt the same.

No guarantee of success no, but we aren't perusing adoption due to infertility so as likely as the next woman to get pregnant (more so with IVF considering we have fine eggs and sperm)

But yes, DH would be willing to go for IVF if we can't agree on any matches. He does want to give it a few more months though which is fine but I just know deep down none of these children will ever be the same as the ones they got away, therefore why 'settle'

[chickenandtheegg]

@Jellycatspyjamas

I’ll be honest too, it’s wholly inappropriate that so much information was given to people who hadn’t even yet been approved much less considered for linking. It’s incredibly bad practice and utterly undermines the privacy of the child and their birth family. That’s not your fault but the consequences of that in practice is that you have in mind children who realistically were never going to be yours, not least because your DH didn’t feel the same way.

Are you planning to remain childless because you can’t have those two children? If not, you need to reach a place of acceptance that they are gone - grieve the loss of what you hoped for in the same way someone would grieve a pregnancy loss, revisit your matching considerations - could part of it be that you actually want a sibling pair rather than a singleton? It’s a very different ball game to adopting one, and you might need your approval criteria changed, but it can be done.

I understand the feelings of loss and think you’ve been put in this position by social workers seriously jumping the gun in terms of involving you so much in family finding when you weren’t actually in a position to proceed.

Definitely not going to remain childless

We have strong chances of success with the IVF, if not would potentially look at surrogacy if no matches are viable going forwards

I'm just venting to see if anyone had any strategies for getting over children they really connected with and didn't end up matched, as we have spent the last 18 months going down this process and don't want to have wasted that time, but then again no child is doing it for me like they did.

[Notmenotme]

Do you want to adopt or do you want to do IVF?

[Hotdogandmustard]

You must be fully committed to Adoption otherwise get out of the process now.

It's not fair on anyone otherwise esp children who desperately need new families.

[Hotdogandmustard]

I didnt mean to sound harsh but Adoption requires soooo much more than normal parenting.

[Ted27]

I don't think there are any strategies, you need to give yourself some time to grieve the idea of them, put them out of your mind and move on.
I do know thats easier said then done.

Of course no other child will be like them, they will be their own unique individual.

But if I'm going to be totally honest, I am a bit puzzled as to how you can move on to the idea of a birth child, but not one of the children already out there.

If only those children are 'doing it for you' how will a birth child compare?

[chickenandtheegg]

@Notmenotme

Do you want to adopt or do you want to do IVF?

Why is it one or the other?

We wish to adopt, if that doesn't work out we will of course go for IVF

[chickenandtheegg]

@Hotdogandmustard

You must be fully committed to Adoption otherwise get out of the process now.

It's not fair on anyone otherwise esp children who desperately need new families.

Ah yes, spending 18 months having our lives turned upside down isn't committed at all

[chickenandtheegg]

@Hotdogandmustard

I didnt mean to sound harsh but Adoption requires soooo much more than normal parenting.

You don't say

[chickenandtheegg]

@Ted27

I don't think there are any strategies, you need to give yourself some time to grieve the idea of them, put them out of your mind and move on.
I do know thats easier said then done.

Of course no other child will be like them, they will be their own unique individual.

But if I'm going to be totally honest, I am a bit puzzled as to how you can move on to the idea of a birth child, but not one of the children already out there.

If only those children are 'doing it for you' how will a birth child compare?

At first I thought time would heal but it's been a while and I'm worried I'll never find another match that we both want to proceed with. I just can't help comparing them. Part of it I believe is that these children looked like DH fathered them, it was almost eerie how much they looked like him - so much so other prospective adopters commented on it during one of the family finding calls (in a lighthearted way of course)

DH keeps saying it might be due to how much info we had on them, and other profiles we are seeing don't have as much in terms of photos, videos and birth parent records and we need to take the plunge, find the closest match to us and meet them (he thinks meeting them even for a bump into situation would erase these other children from my mind)

[Ted27]

Thats the first thing then isnt it. Stop comparing them.

Before I found my son I looked seriously at two other boys. I was extremely disappointed about one of them in particular.

The absolutely perfect match for me, the one who is my son, couldnt be any more different to that other boy.

For all the information you had, you seem to have a very idealised view of them.

[Notmenotme]

I’m just confused though, because it may need to be one or the other!

Many social workers ask that IVF has been explored before taking them onto stage 1.

Just a bit confused as to why you’re suggesting IVF after one failed match - I’m not sure why you wouldn’t start with IVF and then turn to adoption really… IVF isn’t always an option (age sensitive) whereas adoption there isn’t really an age limit - you just have to be fit enough.

I’d agree aswell that a few bits of paper and a meeting with a medical person is still v little information about a child really.

[Hotdogandmustard]

I cant believe how much information you were given when you weren't even Linked let alone Approved. Extremely poor practice by SW's.

Also Family Finding events are all about selling children. E.g being told 'x is such an energetic little boy' will actually often translate to x spends hours a day climbing, jumping on/off sofas and throwing things.

I was told that my child had 'slight additional needs'... actually my child has very complex needs. And my child couldn't be more different from what was portrayed by the Family Finders. The vision portrayed was very different from the reality.

If you are going to continue with Adoption you need to shelve any ideas of IVF. And start completely afresh looking for a Potential Match. And as @Ted27 says stop comparing them.

[Loopylas123]

Hi chickenandtheegg

It must have been hard for you to post this.
I have never posted this part of my journey as I was embarrassed but I now see it for what it was and hope in some way it helps?

So I am a single adopter, I came to the process after 2 miscarriages, knowing I didn’t want to go down that route and believing in my heart adoption was meant to be for my child and I. Sounds straightforward? Well I got approved quickly, but the linking/ matching process took forever. I used to look at profiles on Linkmaker and see myself in some of the physical looks, but my heart stayed strong.
Then I had a complete wobble just over a year after approval. Ex boyfriend walked back in wanting a family, needless to say I’m so glad that didn’t work out and I quickly came to my senses again. I did have a failed link after that, we were about a week away from matching panel and it was devastating. But I have my beautiful, funny, crazy and amazing Daughter now and I hate to think that I could have missed out on this amazing life I have with her. Honestly, a birth child couldn’t be anymore like me in character than she is, plus she is the kindest person I’ve ever met and has taught me so much.

So try and see this for what it might be, a very big wobble in the process and I always tell people to believe in what’s meant for you will find you.
Oh and on the bonding side, I was very guarded after being hurt before, on the run up to meeting my girl, I didn’t allow myself to really feel anything, but then when we met, the bond in that first 2 weeks became unbreakable.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Parenthood is a crazy journey and we need lots of kindness along the way to get us through.

[Jellycatspyjamas]

DH keeps saying it might be due to how much info we had on them, and other profiles we are seeing don't have as much in terms of photos, videos and birth parent records and we need to take the plunge, find the closest match to us and meet them

I think he’s probably right, there are good reasons for not giving too much information unless people are proceeding with a particular child and this is a good example of why not.

You also need to think about not meeting the child unless and until a link is going ahead. In the usual course of things you would be given information about the child and their background incrementally, with more being given at each stage if you decide there are no dealbreakers in what you already know. In my experience a bump into meeting really only happens when you’re pretty far into that process. If you think about it, it wouldnt be fair to the child to have repeated bump into meetings with different random people.

I think you need to decide what you want and do either adoption or IVF and commit to moving forward with one or the other. Apart from anything else having IVF at the back of your mind gives you a “plan B” if adoption doesn’t work - looking forward to a child being placed, bonding sometimes doesn’t happen immediately and those early days and weeks can be very hard going, you need to be sure enough of your choice to hang in there and not keep looking over your shoulder.

It might help to start looking at profiles within your matching criteria and, from a “head” position think about the child and how they might fit in your life. If there’s one you think you’d like to find out more about ask for more information and go from there. Expect it to be a much more gradual process than the family finding event, it’s that way for both your benefit and the child/birth families privacy,

Matching was by far the hardest part of the process and you’ve been given a difficult start unnecessarily. If adoption is what you want, you need to pick yourself up and try again. If it’s not, stop.

[chickenandtheegg]

@Notmenotme

I’m just confused though, because it may need to be one or the other!

Many social workers ask that IVF has been explored before taking them onto stage 1.

Just a bit confused as to why you’re suggesting IVF after one failed match - I’m not sure why you wouldn’t start with IVF and then turn to adoption really… IVF isn’t always an option (age sensitive) whereas adoption there isn’t really an age limit - you just have to be fit enough.

I’d agree aswell that a few bits of paper and a meeting with a medical person is still v little information about a child really.

Never met one that insists IVF has been explored

Many on our prep courses haven't even considered IVF let alone gave it a go

[chickenandtheegg]

@Loopylas123

Hi chickenandtheegg

It must have been hard for you to post this.
I have never posted this part of my journey as I was embarrassed but I now see it for what it was and hope in some way it helps?

So I am a single adopter, I came to the process after 2 miscarriages, knowing I didn’t want to go down that route and believing in my heart adoption was meant to be for my child and I. Sounds straightforward? Well I got approved quickly, but the linking/ matching process took forever. I used to look at profiles on Linkmaker and see myself in some of the physical looks, but my heart stayed strong.
Then I had a complete wobble just over a year after approval. Ex boyfriend walked back in wanting a family, needless to say I’m so glad that didn’t work out and I quickly came to my senses again. I did have a failed link after that, we were about a week away from matching panel and it was devastating. But I have my beautiful, funny, crazy and amazing Daughter now and I hate to think that I could have missed out on this amazing life I have with her. Honestly, a birth child couldn’t be anymore like me in character than she is, plus she is the kindest person I’ve ever met and has taught me so much.

So try and see this for what it might be, a very big wobble in the process and I always tell people to believe in what’s meant for you will find you.
Oh and on the bonding side, I was very guarded after being hurt before, on the run up to meeting my girl, I didn’t allow myself to really feel anything, but then when we met, the bond in that first 2 weeks became unbreakable.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Parenthood is a crazy journey and we need lots of kindness along the way to get us through.

Thank you for this and for being understanding

I'm hoping this is a wobble, both of us keep getting drawn to children outside of our matching criteria so I'm not sure if having access to linkmaker is turning us crazy or what, but it's hard

[Jellycatspyjamas]

Never met one that insists IVF has been explored

Social workers will expect that you’ve resolved not to have biological children and have processed that decision. That doesn’t mean exploring ivf - many people don’t - but it does mean having made the decision not to pursue biological children and having come to terms with that decision.

[sinoncestlaguerre]

I am going to say something a bit different. Your feelings are there to guide you and I think it is worth you spending more time thinking about what it was about the children that made you feel so strongly, when the timing was not right for you, and when they were not the one child under two you are being approved for. It sounds as though there is something unresolved, no idea what it is, but I am pretty sure you will find more insights if you examine your feelings more. It might be worth writing it all down and reading it through a few times.

It is also worth giving some more thought to the fact that you and your dh felt very differently about it, as this seems to be unfinished business too!

It isn't so much that you are wrong, your feelings are what they are, and these feelings are particularly strong and lasted for a while. I think that other posters are saying "well, it didn't work out, move on" which is right, but it doesn't validate your feelings or help you understand where they come from.

As a parent it is very important to be able to validate dc's feelings and working out where the feelings come from and helping them process them (not telling them how they should be feeling!) so it will be good practice for that, is another way of looking at it!

[chickenandtheegg]

@Jellycatspyjamas

Never met one that insists IVF has been explored

Social workers will expect that you’ve resolved not to have biological children and have processed that decision. That doesn’t mean exploring ivf - many people don’t - but it does mean having made the decision not to pursue biological children and having come to terms with that decision.

And we have done that

Perfectly to terms with not having biological children

That doesn't mean however not using IVF as a back up if this doesn't work out