How to get over the children that got away

[chickenandtheegg]

I can't believe I am typing this out but need some advice on an issue I've been suffering with for the past 8 months.

DH and I were approved 6 months ago, however way before we got to panel we were given access to link maker.

During stage 2 I came across 2 children on there and instantly fell in love, better yet I then found out these children were actually in our LA area, being dealt with by family finders we had our stage 2 training with.

I tried to put them out of my mind as DH reasonably advised me that we were a while off panel and tbh they weren't meeting our matching criteria.

But then a few months later (still before panel) we attended a family finding event with our LA and these children were featured, we saw videos, more pictures and it just reinforced my view that these were my children.

The 'my' in that last paragraph being the issue. DH was strongly against even mentioning this to our assessing SW as he didn't feel the same way, we have pretty set matching criteria (one child under 2) and these children were almost opposite to that, they're a sibling set, eldest was 4 (with slight additional needs) and youngest was 10 months - but I can't even explain, it was like love at first sight. The second I saw these children I knew I was the parent for them.

They stayed on link maker for ages, I checked every single day to see if they were still there, I got really upset as the days went past. Then one day, a week before panel, they were gone.

At this point I did speak to our SW who confirmed they had been matched with someone else.

But I still can't get them out of my head, I feel bereft even though I never even met them. I can't find any other children I want to match with, because I still want them. No child I see matches what I felt when I saw those 2 children.

What can I do, is this normal? DH is rightfully getting a bit frustrated at this point as he wants to be active in finding a match but I'm honestly not feeling any profile we have sent through, because they aren't those children.

This is going to sound like I'm minimising your experience and that isn't my attention. I apologise if it comes across that way.

I honestly think you may need some counselling to explore why you are struggling so much with this. It isn't normal to spend 8months grieving over what was essentially pictures and writing. You fell in love with what was on paper, I think you know that. I would have expected you to have come to terms with it after a few weeks. Perhaps there is some stuff you may need to unpick?

Im surprised social services haven't requested you do that after this length of time. Our social worker made us have counselling for much less!

I'm really not understanding this.

You may go down the IVF route..however you say you don't have fertility problems..so why would u need IVF?

U Say one of the reasons you felt so connected to these children was because it looked like they could of passed as your DHs bio children. Yet you say your over/don't want bio children 🤔

I think you need to start unpicking all of this before going further

@Coffeelotsofcoffee

I'm really not understanding this.

You may go down the IVF route..however you say you don't have fertility problems..so why would u need IVF?

U Say one of the reasons you felt so connected to these children was because it looked like they could of passed as your DHs bio children. Yet you say your over/don't want bio children 🤔

I think you need to start unpicking all of this before going further

Goodness

So many ignorant statements in one post

These are genuine questions of legitimate concern and they really should be of concern to your social worker too.

@BleepBleepBloooob

This is going to sound like I'm minimising your experience and that isn't my attention. I apologise if it comes across that way.

I honestly think you may need some counselling to explore why you are struggling so much with this. It isn't normal to spend 8months grieving over what was essentially pictures and writing. You fell in love with what was on paper, I think you know that. I would have expected you to have come to terms with it after a few weeks. Perhaps there is some stuff you may need to unpick?

Im surprised social services haven't requested you do that after this length of time. Our social worker made us have counselling for much less!

I'm in the current mindset of I wasn't drawn to any children until seeing them, and aren't drawn to any after they were matched, makes me feel that there was something about them that was special.

So many speak about the love at first sight upon seeing their child's profile, I'm just worried these were the ones for me and now they're gone.

Our SW did try and find a compromise, their BM had another baby a few months ago so we were put to the family finders as she knew how much I was drawn to their older siblings. However unfortunately the baby was born a boy with severe disabilities so was a non starter.

Will discuss with the other adopters we have been keeping close with irl from prep sessions as it's pretty clear on here this isn't being met with much understanding or kindness, might as well have posted on AIBU

@Coffeelotsofcoffee

These are genuine questions of legitimate concern and they really should be of concern to your social worker too.

Your comments showing you lack of awareness around some couples needs regarding IVF tells me all i need to know tbh

Google is your friend

I went through 6 rounds of IVF...

And I'm a social worker

Each time you post though you are adding to the confusion other posters are expressing.
Of course those children were 'special". Every parent thinks their kids are special and perfect. I think my son is utterly special and perfect. But I also know that he is no more special and perfect than any one else's child.
The fact that you would consider their baby sibling does raise further issues. Was the fact that he was a boy important or the level of his disabilities the decisive factor.
But you were prepared to consider an unborn child rather than look at real children?

Hi OP, Ive got sympathy with your post - in essence you found an emotional connection with children which you haven’t before or after from seeing other profiles. You also understand the reason why which is they bore a resemblance to your DH. It is very possible that if your honest with yourself this will happen again ;you will find your child, via profiles but it’s like to be a very emotionally based decision for you- I’ve had children who would have been considered hard to place because of their age successfully matched because adopters for the reasons you’ve experienced, ie children look like cousins kids etc but I get the impression your husband is more pragmatic and this could cause issues.
I think you should use this as an opportunity to reflect on whether adoption if the right route to becoming parents for you. When I had my own (biological ) children I was really struck by how innately important it was to me that they looked like me - I’m always seeing myself or my husband in them, it’s a part of our bond. It is very possible that this may be a real significance for you too in terms of bonding and might be worth counselling and considering ivf or surrogacy instead. Xx

Part of it I believe is that these children looked like DH fathered them, it was almost eerie how much they looked like him - so much so other prospective adopters commented on it during one of the family finding calls (in a lighthearted way of course) I think it is unlikely these will be the only children you ever fall in love with, because life isn't like that but as I said upthread I do think it is worth looking inward like you are doing with ths comment, more. I understood what you said about IVF incidentally and that you decided on adoption even though you don't have fertility issues, but that if it doesn't work out you might think about IVF again. That made sense to me, and changing your mind can be healthy. But looking inward, for example - the dc could have been fathered by your dh - why would that be significant to you? Is it possible this is telling you to have bio children first then adopt? Thinking you only fall in love once - is this how you saw marriage too, what if that hadn't worked out? How are you at managing disappointment usually, do you tend to go for what you want and get it? Is it significant that your dh is drawn to children who are outside matching criteria too and/or that you are each drawn in different directions? These might be ridiculously bad questions, I don't know you at all, but the point is I think looking inward and examining your feelings will lead you in the right direction, that is, the answer is inside you and working it out will mean you make good choices in the future.

it's pretty clear on here this isn't being met with much understanding or kindness, might as well have posted on AIBU most threads here are helpful and nice, but you get the odd thread or post which is a bit bonkers, and sometimes awful, as though a poster or a few posters have had too much lemonade o rsomething and become a bit dysregulated. I have been a bit at some of the posts in this thread. In all seriousness you could post this in Relationships, you might get some helpful replies.

I'm sorry so many on here have been a bit off with you OP

I can understand why you wouldn't want to engage anymore and I wouldn't in your shoes either

Really shocked at some responses here from posters who are usually super understanding

I'd take your husbands lead for now, give it a few more months then move onto IVF

@Ted27

Each time you post though you are adding to the confusion other posters are expressing. Of course those children were 'special". Every parent thinks their kids are special and perfect. I think my son is utterly special and perfect. But I also know that he is no more special and perfect than any one else's child. The fact that you would consider their baby sibling does raise further issues. Was the fact that he was a boy important or the level of his disabilities the decisive factor. But you were prepared to consider an unborn child rather than look at real children?

Ted you really are sticking the boot in aren't you

Many adopters have gender preferences, seems the OP is one of them

If you're not going to be helpful or understanding why not step away

@aristotlesdeathray

I am not at all sticking the boot in, I think people are genuinely a bit baffled. If the preference is for a boy, thats fine. I realised when it came to matching that I was leaning heavily towards boys.
Im just trying to understand.

Perfectly to terms with not having biological children

That doesn't mean however not using IVF as a back up if this doesn't work out

These 2 statements contradict each other.

[quote Ted27]@aristotlesdeathray

I am not at all sticking the boot in, I think people are genuinely a bit baffled. If the preference is for a boy, thats fine. I realised when it came to matching that I was leaning heavily towards boys.
Im just trying to understand.[/quote]
I read it as the baby being a boy was another reason they weren't suitable

Along with the disabilities

@WaningMoon

Perfectly to terms with not having biological children

That doesn't mean however not using IVF as a back up if this doesn't work out

These 2 statements contradict each other.

Hm yes I think it's best to do IVF first and either it's successful or case closed rather than keeping it as a back up plan. It comes across as indecisive if you're willing to drop adoption and start IVF. (if you can't agree on a child, surely just keep looking rather than drop it entirely?)

If it helps the OP I realise I’m not sure if any of my comments have helped before - I had no emotional connection with my Childrens profiles. We were told that their name began with D to begin with, then that they were a baby of 4 months at the time, then that they had no major health concerns and that was it. We didn’t see a picture until way after we were linked. Seeing the picture gave me an emotional connection but even then it was sort of like “oh, okay then, that’s what he looks like”. No gushing emotional reaction.

However we were meant to be a family and the connection now is greater than ever.!

I realise I didn’t go through linkmaker so I have a different perspective and we went with the first child shown to us, but I didn’t have an emotional connection with their life story and I didn’t really connect until they were here and tbh I didn’t really connect until about 6 months after they’d arrived.

I think matching should be pragmatic - for example, what am I looking for (boy/girl/visually do they suit my family) and if they tick whatever your boxes are then see what you can do.

Unfortunately on linkmaker you will end up having your heart broken a fair number of times as often I’ve heard sometimes the children on their have already been matched or linked and the social worker hasn’t taken them off or occasionally they will choose a different family who may be better suited.

Also another thing to remember is behind every profile is a real child who needs a family - so whilst you may not have an emotional reaction to all of them, what if they were in front of you? You probably would have an emotional reaction then I would imagine…

So many speak about the love at first sight upon seeing their child's profile, I'm just worried these were the ones for me and now they're gone.

Hi again, just wanted to reassure you on this part. We never did family finder etc. we were matched to our children and didn't see pictures until we had decided to proceed.

I did not fall in love instantly with either of my children. In fact a lot of adopters admit that "love at first sight" just doesn't happen! In fact, I suffered terrible depression with our first child and can honestly say it took a good 6months to love her. I didn't have depression with my son so it was much easier. Did I love him at first sight? Nope. Did I think "bloody hell he is cute"? Yes! I thought my daughter was very odd looking!

We were logical; it was a good match on paper and we took the leap of faith. Which is what parenting is really.

I would die for my kids now but I did not love them on sight and neither did my husband.

It sounds like you have some issues to work through before you adopt. You have been quite rude to posters on this thread who are genuinely trying to help you. The fact that you're vacillating between adoption and IVF will be a red flag to social workers.

Hiya, I'm not at adoption stage yet, I've read these forums for about 2 years now and the AUK ones, preparing myself really. Without ever talking to the posters I feel I almost know them, which i know sounds creep written down.
I've found some wonderful advice such as the selwyn report etc, plenty of things that are useful to me in my situation as a birth parent, who is fertile but is choosing adoption as their next way to have more children.

I want to tell you something as a parent of birth children, I'm relatively young, early 30s and my last DC was born 4 years ago just after my 29th birthday.
My DH is younger than me by 2 years, so not an older father by any means.
Our baby is ASD, I know this is an outdated term but he's severe. (Not suitable for mainstream education, learning disabilities, very challenging with possible ADHD) he was the perfect and I mean perfect baby. No problems presented really until about 18 months when he was just getting a bit behind.
My point is, BC also run the risk of hidden disabilities, AC more so, under 2 and you'll not necessarily know until they're getting a fuller personality.
If IVF is an option and you're older that will increase risks of autism, downs etc, you probably know this. If your matching criteria is not a child with disabilities then maybe IVF should be done before adoption so you're not getting older and more risks are occurring.
I'm sorry you're brokenhearted over these children, my DH doesn't fancy LM for that reason and we have quite relaxed requirements (we're in a hugely privileged position with my son needing a SAHM and dh works part time) so we're happy to consider a child with additional needs. (Hes a nurse, I worked with SEN kids, we are FCs for the LA and already parent very therapeutically so we're kind of happy to take on more, our older BC are aware that this is the idea if we extend family and they can't wait incase I get told we're mental) anyway, as previously pointed out about hidden disabilities with AC being very common, I just wanted to say it can happen even with relatively young, healthy and fertile couples also, so if you think you're feeling more drawn towards a BC, please do it aware your baby obviously won't be as at risk as FAD etc but they still could be q handful with a plethora of hidden disabilities also so the younger you and your DH the better really.

Many years ago nicky Clarke did a TV show about 3 lads needing a family, they were northern, gorgeous boys and I was early 20s and I had just had my first DS and was desperate to take these boys in. I knew even as a single mum I could love them all and I think of them often, even though many people watching that show may have also felt the same. I didn't enquire because I knew I realistically would have been turned away, I wasn't yet 21 for a start but I've always thought of them and wished the best for the wee lads.
I can't imagine a full insight to a child's world and then not being allowed to nurture that child, you've almost taken on some of their trauma simply knowing what their circumstances were. I'm sorry I've nothing else to add I just wanted to say something, you sound capable of loving any child, no matter their DNA and if you proceed with adoption use your rationale, not that love you have 💐💐💐

I started reading this thread with a lot of empathy- I occasionally think of children I enquired about on linkmaker wistfully, they 'could have' been my children quite well, I think. As it is, my children are my children, and are the most perfect wonderful children.

I've read on, and found your posts appearing quite rude, and dismissive, of experienced adopters sharing their experience. And then you say you have IVF as a back up... which is strange if you're committed to adoption, as IVF wouldn't give you the children you're mourning- that would be different children again. If you're in need of IVF, you must have something impeding your fertility, and IVF is never guaranteed. At this stage, if you need IVF, your chance of becoming a parent is probably greater via adoption, given you've come this far... what do you want? These children that were never yours- a fantasy, to start right from the beginning with IVF, or start looking for your own children via adoption?

I think you do have lots to unpack/explore here. I think unless you get help, if you DO get a match/have children placed, you're going to struggle hugely. Does your social worker know you have IVF as a 'back up' plan?