Adoption cold feet

[thegreatthrowdown]

I am in stage 2 with my LA.
There's so much negativity and emphasis that me and my husband are feeling like we are basically being used as potential unpaid carers.
I'm a member of Adoption Uk and I am reeling from the shock of reading that AIBU thread from the other day where everyone was saying adopted children (these days) have to go through so much abuse before they are available for adoption (I understand the reasons why) + the trauma of being removed for their BP & or Fosters that adopters are basically going to have such a dreadful time trying to parents these extremely damaged children.
All my training so far has obviously concentrated about all the negatives of parenting.
I am a primary school teacher (newly qualified) and my training for that was hard work - but all very positive about what a positive impact you can have as a teacher.
My adoption training makes it feel that whatever we do we are doomed.
Makes me feel the LA only adopt out children to save money - not because it can be a success for the average family or the child.

I read this thread and found it incredibly negative. Some of the comments about adopted people being 'damaged' were very hurtful. Adopting our daughter was the best thing we ever did. She is a very easy child to parent and we have a very typical parenting experience. We expect there to be issues around identify as she grows but we are doing our best to be honest and open and support her with this and make sure she knows where she comes from. We love her so much we know we will support her with whatever may come in the future. I think the training does have to prepare you for all eventualities which can feel negative at times but reflecting back it is definitely useful and needed

That thread was awful. We are 9 months in with our 2.5 year old LO and they are amazing. Couldn’t love them more than I do. They are a very typical toddler! I do remember stage 2 panic because of all the unknowns but when you get to matching and match with your child it is so worth it.

That thread was horrible, i reported it, and it was full of nonsense. I went through this worry too during prep, i think they just really want you to be prepared and know it wont be all easy. I found it useful to balance with some more positive adoption narrative, such as the you tube videos from Aimmee Vlog and Molly Mama. Try those for some adoption joys! I have definitely worried but seeing our DDs profile i just knew it was right so dont give up yet, its tough but surely worth it! Also the Adoption UK Adoption Barometer is good for a balanced, truthful view of adopters, better than a mumsnet non adopter board thread for actual adopton reading.

There is a thread on here called Good News where lots of adopters have posted positives. Well worth a read!

@scully29

That thread was horrible, i reported it, and it was full of nonsense. I went through this worry too during prep, i think they just really want you to be prepared and know it wont be all easy. I found it useful to balance with some more positive adoption narrative, such as the you tube videos from Aimmee Vlog and Molly Mama. Try those for some adoption joys! I have definitely worried but seeing our DDs profile i just knew it was right so dont give up yet, its tough but surely worth it! Also the Adoption UK Adoption Barometer is good for a balanced, truthful view of adopters, better than a mumsnet non adopter board thread for actual adopton reading.

The thread was horrible, but it was really useful to read and hope it wasn't taken down in it's entirety. It was an eye-opener to read other peoples views of adoption and some of the assumptions and prejudices that people have. Our adopted children will be living in this world and it's good to know what discrimination they/we might face. My friends and family have been really supportive, but I live in a lefty middle-class bubble where perhaps I'm shielded from such harsh opinions (likewise on this board and AdoptionUK). It did make me feel like a fool thinking I could potentially help a child heal from their difficult past and that we could all live each other and be happy despite the bumps in the road

I did also agree with the view on that thread that money and proper practical assistance might enable some BPs to be better parents and because the will to spend that money the cheapest option is to adopt these children out to wealthier couples who will fund the help needed themselves

there's no will to spend that money

Yes that thread had such a lot of misinformation.

But what it did do well was show how Adoption really is a leap into the unknown.

I have met virtually & in person lots of Adopters who adopted very very young babies/toddlers with 'no additional needs'. Then by the time the child was 5, 6, 7 they had lots of Complex Needs inclu huge Attachment and Sensory issues, child to parent violence, FASD, ASD, Autism, lots of interventions required at school.

But... equally there are children who don't develop such additional needs. And are as things go quite easy to parent.

In my case I was Matched with a 4 year old boy who did not have any suggestions at all of various things. He was a 'delightful boy with really good attachments and no issues in nursery...'

Then he came home and woosh.... a year on he is a completely unrecognisable child from that presented in FC and in Matching. Finally Feeling Safe he has shown all his Attachment and Sensory issues. Plus significant behaviour and emotional dysregulation esp child to parent violence. Plus he now has to have an EHCP and a 1:1 glued to his side all day at school. At Nursery and in FC he just Masked everything.

I have also gone from thinking I would be able to use family as occasional babysitters so I could see friends, and to work in the school hols... to having no chance of any childcare. He is currently far too unpredictable to be left with anyone else. I am hoping that work will allow me to WFH in the school hols and thus keep my job. I've already had to go from full time to 16 hours. We barely see family as he cant cope with people/noise.

Although my life as a mummy is completely different to what I had envisioned, he gives me so much joy. The good times are amazing and we are working together through all his issues.

So no matter how careful you are in Matching you don't know what will happen.

It is completely true that Adopters have to change their lives to fit their child's needs. And Adoption is all about finding families for children. It's not about finding children for families. Adopters have to be completely open minded to what challenges may occur.

Finally, the support from SW's after my son was Placed has been very different to what was promised in the Training. Getting any kind of help inclu getting Assessments is like pulling teeth. I had read in so many places that this is the reality of many Adopters and had been very naive in thinking that it wasn't true !

@thegreatthrowdown

that thread was full of so much rubbish.

In 14 years on adoptions forums I have only ever come across one seriously wealthy adopter ( he talked alot about his private plane - only a small one though) Most adopters are ordinary people, doing ordinary jobs - teachers, SWs, public sector workers, civil servants.
Most adopters I know are also doing OK. Yes there are challenges, yes sometimes you have to fight for support, but thats just part of the story.

My son is 17, nexr year is our 10th anniversary. At times, he has driven me to despair, there have been struggles, hard times, but we have come through that. He is doing so well, I am immensely proud of him, he has a good future ahead of him.
Sadly some adoptees struggle throughout life but many many have perfectly ordinary lives, do well at school, go to college, university, get jobs, have their own families.
Its natural to have wobbles. You need to go into adoption with your eyes wide open, in the knowledge that there may well be hard times, but also that chances are it will be ok.
I don't regret it for a nanosecond

That thread honestly made my blood boil. Of course the question in the original post was framed in such a way that it was always going to attract worst case scenarios and a pile on of negativity. Around half of the posts were written by people with strong views but no first hand experience of adoption, they will have read newspapers, seen TV dramas and heard a chain of Chinese whispers about their sister's hairdresser's cousin. The happily-ever-after stories aren't interesting to these people and they certainly aren't newsworthy.

For what it's worth, five years after bringing my son home I have zero regrets. He is my everything and an absolute joy to be around. He's six now, and yes I am aware that problems can surface later, but so far so good. I know several adopters in real life and all of them love their children and are just getting on with their lives. None of them are suffering under insurmountable issues - far from it. Like so many adopters, they probably wouldn't feel the need to seek out these boards.

Adoption is a huge leap of faith and a commitment like no other, for better or worse. I had huge reservations and doubts every single day through approval and matching. If I listened to the doubts in my head I never would have adopted. In the end I made the leap though, and I am so glad I did.

I just wanted to stress that despite the immense difficulties my son is the best thing ever.

My love, therapuetic parenting, and just giving him a very very small world outside school has produced so much change. The child to parent violence is much MUCH aggressive and this is also being helped by the fantastic school.

My son and I are absolutely rock solid. We are doing so much life story work, have so much fun. His trust in me is out of this world and he's telling me so much about when he was a baby/toddler. Many children aren't able to do that.

My son has complex Needs but I very much see us as a success. I have been able to see how much progress we are making.

I know him inside out as he feels so safe. We are travelling this road together proudly arm in arm.

He is absolutely amazing. He is incredibly resilient and I am so proud to tell everyone that he is MY son.

The child to parent violence is much MUCH less aggressive.

I did also agree with the view on that thread that money and proper practical assistance might enable some BPs to be better parents and because the will to spend that money the cheapest option is to adopt these children out to wealthier couples who will fund the help needed themselves

I’m a child protection social worker and have been for 25 years, I’ve never removed a child from a family that didn’t absolutely need to be removed and where there were many different interventions aimed at keeping the family together. Even after the child is removed the aim is to reunite them with their family safely. You can only apply for a permanence order if you can evidence the parents really can’t do it. Sometimes there will have been a number of previous children removed so a pre-birth decision will be made and a baby placed for early permanence but there’s a body of prior evidence that parents can’t parent the child safely.

It’s much much cheaper to put early supports in place than to remove a child, accommodate them and then place them for adoption. There was a lot of misinformation on that thread, I’ve never come across those views in real life and I’ve not experienced discrimination against my kids because they are adopted. Some clumsy use of language maybe but nothing malicious, just unthinking.

Adoption is a huge life changing decision but make the decision based on facts, I found talking to other adopters so helpful in pushing past the doom laden narrative you hear at times. My kids are amazing, there are challenges, of course, but so far nothing we can’t handle.

Hi @thegreatthrowdown - I'm just starting out in the process so not as far as you are, but I totally get your worries and anxiety! I have them on a daily basis But as someone else suggested, a great place to look for a. more reliable view is the 'Adoption UK Adoption Barometer'. I am a big believer in science and stats, and so I found the below ones really reassuring. In their most recent survey of 2,452 families:

80% felt optimistic about their family’s future
75% would encourage others to consider adoption

and

30% were facing severe challenges
42% were facing challenges but doing well
25% were mostly doing well

So that's more than twice as many people who are doing well (67%) than those who may not be (30%).

www.adoptionuk.org/the-adoption-barometer -- look for the 'Adoption Barometer 2021 report' link

At the moment I am just doing as much reading up as I can on life story work, therapeutic parenting, and other therapies which may be useful in the future. I'm saving the names of therapists local to me, and websites that offer advice. And trying not to spend too much time on forums - although that's often easier said than done

@melon301 you are doing really well with your preparations .

I watched loads of Adoption documentaries on YouTube too. The Primal Wound is hard going but one of the best books I've read.

I put myself firmly in the 42% bracket. Whilst life is challenging we are doing blooming fantastic. My son is my best friend and totally worth the 20+ year wait to become a mummy !!

I would recommend listening to the creatingafamily.org radio shows/ podcasts about adoption. They are honest, highly educational and always positive. Dawn Davenport really strikes an excellent balance. It is American and not every topic is relevant for the UK, but many episodes are worth listening to.

I posted a couple of times. I really tried to be positive about adoption but realistic as well. I said it on there and will say it again here that I have absolutely no regrets about adopting my 3YO. I love her 1000000% and she's a genuinely happy, clever, kind and thoughtful little girl. As an example just earlier today she was playing with her cousins and they were fighting over a piece of bubble wrap. What did she do? Without being prompted went and got a pair of scissors to give them both a piece It's not always easy (nor is parenting any child) but boy are the rewards worth it xx

I commented on that thread to say that the process itself can be enough to put people off as lots of people have a rough ride before getting anywhere near a child!( As you are discovering yourself at present ). And there is a lot of misinformation flying around as well.
But whilst it is good to consider POSSIBLE future issues it is important to have a balance as well and for most of us adoption is a wonderful thing and we have zero regrets. That is certainly my experience as well so dont get overwhelmed by the negative. After all how many of us would get married , have birth children etc etc if we read every bad scenario that could befall us.
Good luck with it all x

I did also agree with the view on that thread that money and proper practical assistance might enable some BPs to be better parents and because the will to spend that money the cheapest option is to adopt these children out to wealthier couples who will fund the help needed themselves

As the poster above has said, you are wrong about this. I question the motives of anyone coming on an Adoption board and posting ill informed rubbish like this. How does this link to your original post ? Why have you applied to adopt if you believe the above to be true?

I think people who adopt are amazing but it's right that you think this through thoroughly and hear both the good and the bad. Having children is life changing having a child with special needs is really really tough. If you give birth to a child with special needs then that's the hand you've been dealt, but with adoption the chance is very very high. I would love to adopt because I think I could offer a child a good home but I wouldn't do it because of the impact it would have on my family including my other children if the child was SN which is a high probability. It's good to go I to it with your eyes wide open (if that's ever possible)

I think that there was some truth in most of the posts, to be honest, but also that a lot of different issues were being confused.

I think:

Can you raise a child who is not biologically yours and help them recover from trauma and thrive? Yes

Are there significant inadequacies in how child protection, adoption and social work are done? Yes too - and this does not invalidate the first "yes" but it does make it harder to achieve.

Information about adoptee outcomes is limited but what there is is not positive - but again this doesn't invalidate the first “yes” above but it is a lot to do with the second “yes”.

The barometer is very helpful but it looks at current adoptions ie adoptees are children I think - not at outcomes - I am also not sure how extensive it is, how many families contributed.

I did also agree with the view on that thread that money and proper practical assistance might enable some BPs to be better parents and because the will to spend that money the cheapest option is to adopt these children out to wealthier couples who will fund the help needed themselves

I think the other two posters have misunderstood what you have said here. In relation to the latter part I have seen this sort of comment in research/elsewhere in relation to to present governmental policy, it is basically saying that adoption being seen as "off balance sheet". I assumed by “wealthy adopters” you meant “financially independent adopters”. In relation to the first part it is widely accepted that with more and better help given to families more children could stay with bio parents, and CIN (who remain with bio families) outcomes would be improved. It is also widely commented upon that no help is given to birth parents who lose children and that becomes very significant when you consider birth mothers who lose child after child. So a lot could be improved, but again, I don't think that this in itself invalidates adoption.

I also agree that adoption is not a quick cheap fix . I am a foster carer as well as an adoptor and in my opinion birth families are given huge amounts of support and chances to keep their kids often when all the signs are that it will not work. Honestly the belief that soc worker are removing kids willy nilly is a load of tosh . They have to provide so much evidence to the courts and follow due process at every turn.

flapjack I didn't see any posts which suggested that children were removed willy nilly, but I might have missed that.

I am coming to the end of our assessment, with panel later this month.

I have at many times felt the way you've felt, and part of me is still apprehensive, however there are a couple of things that have really helped me.

The first was when I realised that the strategies adoptive parents use actually help. My DP read Sally Donavan's Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting, and was nervous about me reading it as it was so negative. However there's a bit in that where the 15 year old son says to his mum, please move your handbag as I'm feeling the impulse to steal. (Obviously I might be misremembering the specifics.) If my child is able to be so insightful about their actions I will be delighted. I certainly wasn't that self aware at 15, or even 25!

The other thing is I think when I heard the stories of violence, stealing and whatever else, it was a stranger doing those things to me. Because I can't really imagine my child, because I don't have one yet. But after the initial settling in period, this will be someone that I love completely. And I think that will change my perspective on things. Though I'm sure at points it will be very stressful and upsetting.

I think they have to give us the negatives because, despite what that thread said, it's easy to just think about snuggles, and zoo trips and holidays.

I remember being in adoption prep group and feeling very worried about the negative future we were likely to have. However we went on to adopt two very young siblings and they are great kids who I love the bones of! We are a pretty 'normal' family. Our kids are now 10/11. They both have had their moments, some if it is probably adoption related, some if it is probably because we are not perfect parents and most of it is quite on par with what some of our friends with birth kids deal with. Things in our family are a bit more intense than most families I know but it's manageable. The kid's do great at school and have loads of friends and are great fun. Before we adopted I thought there would be Lots of things that we wouldn't be able to do as a family as the social workers painted quite a limiting future for us. However, now,we do all the normal things like staying up really late with the kids, going on high octane holidays or just doing really normal things like weddings or whatever and we all the all cope and have fun!