Struggling

[GreyC]

Anyone free for me to pm? Really struggling

I've pm'd you. If you feel able, post a bit about what's going on for you here - there are some very wise, very experienced adopters who are incredibly generous with their support. Don't struggle on your own.

I wrote exactly the same heading a few weeks ago, everyone here is so understanding and helpful so please don't be afraid to post more Xx

Hiya, we are newly into placement & I can’t stop crying. I’m female, and feel guilty for having these feelings. Struggling to bond etc & feel guilty for missing what my life was like. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. My o/h seems to be loving every minute & struggles that I am not.

I thought I would get that initial rush of feelings, after a great introductions.

Sorry it’s all rambling.

Youve done the right thing reaching out for support. There is a really helpful and lovely webinar from adoption uk on post adoption depression, its nice if you can watch it to see you are not alone in these difficult feelings in this really difficult time, its not something to feel guilty for but to be supported with.

It took about 3 months for me to feel I was coping. The number of times I rang DH to check he wasn't going to be too late home...

Try to focus on the successes, on the little things.

Do things with the little one, but if necessary reward yourself too: I'll play this messy sand based game for 20 mins. Then they can have a little TV while I have a cup of tea.

I found structure really really helped, plus getting out of the house every single day, rain or shine. Toddler groups. (age dependent of course).

You don't have to be perfect, just 'good enough'.

Make sure your DH is doing his bit. We used to alternate bedtimes, even though DD2 used to cry and cling on to me every time DH took her (normally laughing by the time they were half way up the stairs).

Post adoption depression is a real thing. If this might be you please contact your GP.

These feelings are perfectly normal. I think we all have thought what the hell have I done at sometime or another. Its a massive adjustment & you now have this little stranger in your home for you to care for. Bonding takes time. For a long while I felt like I was looking after someone else's child. This was true for both my adopted daughter & birth daughter. What help me was getting out. Days are long with a little one. Be kind to yourself & talk it over with your support network.

Oh lovely you aren’t alone! I’m 6 months in and only really the past month I feel like I’ve found my groove. I ended up on anti anxiety medication 3 months in and wish I’d spoken up much sooner as they’ve really helped!

It’s so intense! The emotions of going through the process and bringing a LO home. For us, ours was nearly 2 and it was such a curve ball to go from just the two of us to a 2 year old who was very much finding their voice! Be kind to yourself, talk to your SW or dr, vent here. The feelings and bonding will come!

On bless you, the early days can be hell

everyone expects you to be happy because you have finally got your longed for child when in reality you are dealing with a stranger and a traumatised one to boot.

Its ok not to be ok, whats not ok is to struggle in silence. And don’t feel guilty about your own feelings.
How old is your child .

3 & 4

I think I feel completely shell shocked @Noimaginationforaun thank you for that. I really appreciate that.

They are bonding really well with my DH. I feel like the big bad wolf having to stop them hitting each other stop squabbles and things etc.

3&4! No wonder you are shell shocked!

There will be a lot wiser people along than I, but I would try to keep them physically separate just to reduce opportunity for conflict and you having to intervene.

So you physically between them, or (diagonally) opposite each other at a table so they can't reach etc/

Lots and lots of praise for even the slightest bits of playing together nicely (or anything else).

Is your DH doing is fair share of telling off when you are all together?

I wonder if they both feel that you will love the other more, or fighting for your attention?

Things will improve as you get more in tune with them and get spot issues before they escalate.

They adore DH so yes when he does remind them
To be kind it’s ok, when I do it they really resent me.
They see me as the person who took their (amazing) foster carer away as we are both female. Such complex emotions for them.

Not helping that I am currently really struggling with mine x

I really really really appreciate you all

Mine were 1 & 2 at placement, and early days were horrendous! Felt like we had made a mistake, our previously tidy home was an absolute tip, I was exhausted, no clue what to do, even getting out the house for a walk was a nightmare. Husband had a month off work and I promised myself I wouldn't ring him when he went back but lasted til the 1st lunchtime!
Keep posting, it will get better.x

It’s so common for children to bond with the male parent - female parents represent all kinds of feelings about birth mum, foster carers etc, I wish it was takes about more pre-placement so adoptive mums could prepare themselves instead of feeling like shit when the kids reach for dad.

You’re doing a great job - don’t forget to make sure dad does his share of bed time, bath time, meals etc, it’s very easy to play with the kids but doing something boring like housework (with kids) is much more demanding. At the early stage share the work as equally as possible.

Lots of wise words here.

Yes, common for kids to bond with one parent more than other and for mum to represent complex feelings.

I would suggest you do spend some time one on one so your dh takes one child to do something, maybe just in the garden or another room and you focus on the other etc.

It's not a competition so you don't need to feel he is doing well etc, it's only been a short time.

And agree with Sanders, structure and reward yourself.

It's such early days, focus on little interactions that are beneficial . decorating biscuits, building some lego, can one of them help breakup the lettuce or broccoli for dinner, etc. Just little things that build contact etc.

They are probably so scared of getting comfortable in case it goes wrong. They have already lost a lot.

This is very interesting and may help you get into their mindset and how they might be feeling. It's just something I have found helpful to read...

www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=53&Itemid=77

When I adopted my kids who were nearly 2 and 3 years old at the time, they develop a stronger bond initially with my husband. Although I was the primary carer and spent the most time with them at home, my partner was the playful one who arrived from work and just played with them. I was the boring parent doing the house chores and educating them at home. I think this is absolutely normal as kids gravitate towards people that play with them a lot. I even remember my 2 year old in the beginning saying he didn’t want me to change his nappy and that he loved my partner and not me. However, I just stuck to it and kept on doing what I was meant to do, which was to look after them and make sure their needs were met wether they liked it or not. Some months after placement and, I would say nearly 1 year after placement for the youngest one, tables have turned and their bond became much stronger with me. I would say that nowadays, 4 years after moving in with us, they have a much stronger attachment to me than my partner and they definitely respect me a lot more than my partner. I didn’t really change anything though. I just kept being their parent and looking after them, giving them lots of love and support, even when they said silly things to me. :) Just be patient. I’m sure it will happen for you.

Oh you poor thing. I remember this so well. (Ours were 1.5 and 3). It took months before I felt like I was coping, never mind enjoying myself.

It hadn’t been part of my plan either but I ended up putting the eldest in nursery for 3 mornings a week which I think saved us all. It meant I got alone time with the little one while eldest was in nursery and alone time with eldest when youngest napped in afternoon.

DH also did breakfasts etc so I didn’t have to start properly being the parent in charge til he walked out the door. (I’m not even sure the DC will have seen us much in the same room at that time, if he was there I made sure I wasn’t.)

Don’t worry about how you should be feeling. Do the best you can. If you feel you need it, see your GP.

💐

Thanks everyone. Still feeling very very wobbly & lots of lovely people have messaged me With support and it’s all appreciated.

Hello. We adopted our daughter nearly 5 years ago and we struggled for almost 4 years.
We did lots of research online and found out about Theraputic Parenting- this has been the saving grace for us. Daughter is much more attached to us both.

We joined the National Association of Theraputic Parenting. Loads of hints and tips. Helps with bonding also xx

Hope youre feeling a bit better. I feel like this will be me. Everything ive always wanted and then got has always totally flawed me and made me an emotional wreck. When we bought our house i broke down thinking wtf have i done! When we got our cats i said i had made a huge mistake.
Its a huge HUGE change to your life and its probably just all the emotions and frustrations which have built up bubbling over. Try not to focus on how you should feel. Try to ground yourself into the here and now to be present for the kids.

Hi everyone, Thanks again, I am not in a good place again. My DP doesn’t get it & just keeps getting cross with me. Which isn’t helping as it makes me want to run to be honest.

It must be the most intense and stressful time ever, I hope your ok. I wonder if you know of the Adoption UK Early Days of Placement zoom meet ups you can join in, may be worth going on there talk to others in the same experiences, peer support may be so helpful at this time? Take it easy on yourself, things will take time but they will improve.

@GreyC I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling. You should really reach out to your SW or GP. As soon as I did, i felt such a weight lift and things hugely improved once I was honest! Feel free to private message me if you need to chat

Hi OP, how are things now? I will never forget how tough the early days were, my DH worked away and the day stretched on endlessly. I ended up begging the GP for antidepressants which made a huge difference, as did getting out every day, getting some time on my own (Saturday became daddy day), and seeing a therapist. If it had just been me I think I’d have disrupted, my DD was so rejecting and the whole thing felt thankless.
Can you get some help? Are they in nursery at all? Can you start playgroups and stuff? I know funnelling is important but getting through each day is your priority right now.

Hang in there, I promise it gets easier. It felt like a prison sentence for me initially but I’m 7 years in now, still have occasional wobbles and struggles but I’ve found coping mechanisms but I mostly forget she’s adopted these days. X

Both my wife and I have struggled and still do struggle on tbh. Our relationship has truly been damaged. All the disagreements on how to parent etc, different parenting styles. We're both following the Theraputic Parenting model which is helping. But can still tough.
Feel free to PM if you like. I don't know how to PM on here