Struggling

[GreyC]

Anyone free for me to pm? Really struggling

I'm so sorry @GreyC "My DP doesn’t get it & just keeps getting cross with me. Which isn’t helping as it makes me want to run to be honest."

How is it going?

Could this be post adoption depression, could talking to your GP help?

@GreyC thank you for sharing. Myself and my partner are in the very early stages at exploring adoption. I've been exploring lots of forums and mumsnet has so far been the most honest. I can pick out all the positives myself, I want an honest all round opinion of peoples personal issues and struggles around adoption.

Me and my partner are in a same sex relationship, I will Likely be the person that takes time off work initially and have a worry that I will be the "boring parent" that provides all their basic needs, cleans the home etc and our child will seek out my partner who will be the fun parent wanting to play.

We have no doubts that adoption is the path we intend to take to start our family. Part of me is sad for you that you are going through a difficult time but at the same time it is refreshing for me to see someone being so honest about their thoughts.

I hope things get easier for you. I'd love to know how you get on over the coming months if you're happy to share. I'm interested to know what support is available to parents and children post adoption.

Hi everyone,

Thank you for all the support I’ve been receiving from This post. And via pm. It helps me so so much to know loads of people felt like this.

I will keep reaching out to you all as well. Such a supportive place.

I am doing ok, I am having counselling which helps to really think why I am feeling this way. Also speaking to a GP regularly who is brill. The first one didn’t even know what adoption was!!

I think the hardest thing for me was the complete change & me struggling with that & realising it’s nothing to do with the children but more to do with my mind going bonkers.

Talking, talking and talking is the most important thing and is helping endlessly. I still have low days, and the mornings are the hardest after a sleepless night usually

I am so glad to see your update @GreyC I wish you all the very best.

Parenting is more than quite hard, it's really the hardest thing (I think) that most of us will do.

Being dunked into it as an adopter is probably really difficult. I am a birth parent and adoptive parent and my birth child came first, so I had 9 years of parenting before adopted son came along. So starting off with a child already walking and talking must be tough. Get all the support you can, give yourself treats that are helpful. I generally avoid alcohol mostly but go for chocolate, tea and coffee, bubble baths and binging on fun tv, but you do what works for you.

Good luck.

@GreyC how are you getting on OP?

Hi @GreyC I hope you are getting on ok. I just wanted to say we adopted a 4 month old and a 14 month old two years ago and boy did i not know what had hit me. I cried every day for months. I just wanted to assure you things get better and if you need to chat I am always here x

@GreyC - how are you doing now? Christmas can make the feelings of panic and inadequacy a lot worse.

I barely coped with one initially so I can't imagine how much harder it is with two. Looking back I had post adoption depression which gradually resolved itself without intervention but it probably took 6-12 months before I have a secure bond with DS (and he was 11 months and had no conscious memory of bonding with anyone else so easier) though there was a marked improvement around about 3 months.

I do think a blunt conversation with your DH about not getting cross with you and asking him how he would feel if it was him who was being rejected and how he needs to support you.

Have you tried taking them out separately and doing something nice with each of them alone. I found bribery worked a treat initially (frankly works even better now he's 16).

@GreyC I am around if you need to chat to someone

Your post has taken me back to those days op. I felt terrible that I didn’t love her and she needed me so much, the loss of it all hit me like a ton of bricks. It’s gets so much better and you get so much more confident in your role as their mum. We just soldiered on and it got a lot better. Self care, self care self care ( said with politicians thumbs like Julian in ghosts) 💐🍷🍟

Hi everyone,

Things have been up and down, expected with Christmas and such things. Eldest trying to control everything and been struggling.

Thank you for those who had been still private messaging me, I so appreciate it & will get back to you if I haven’t yet.

I still have my counselling, and I have a lot of fear for the future and whatever those needs could be/if they arise. Did anyone else have this ? Just complete panic and worry for what life in the future will look like ?

Hi GreyC

We adopted 15 month old twins in early 2018. We were super lucky that we could both be around for the first 9 months. I would not have managed on my own. I was scared to be left for more than a couple of hours on my own in the first few months, especially as the twins preferred DH. I personally found the two year approval and matching process beforehand had depleted me of my emotional reserves. I had massive imposter syndrome and felt scrutinised by everyone (possibly a hangover from the process) and felt like I was looking after someone else's children for at least the first 6 months but just kept going through the motions and talking to other adopters. After 9 months, they attended a local nursery two mornings a week and we got some headspace back. Gradually, the moments of joy became more frequent and there was eventually a tipping point where the positive moments outweighed my negative feelings. I can't remember when exactly, but it's been a couple of years, I started taking a low dose of sertraline and that was massively helpful for the anxiety I felt. I'm starting to think this year I might come off it! Anyway, here we are nearly 4 years later and the children are thriving as are we. It's still hard work but only in the sense that parenting is hard work! I'd say it's vital that your husband helps you and encourages you and stops getting cross with you.