Misconceptions about adoption- help me clear them up

[Nc4post99]

Hi all,

I’m in my early 30s and pregnant with dc 2. DH and I strongly feel that for numerous reasons (not financial or fertility related more environmental and social), dc2 will be our last biological child but that we’d love to adopt a child and give them the life they truly deserve. This is obviously quite a few years away (at least 5) but we’ve always been vocal about our intent as we are passionate about it. Lately however it’s been met with sneers and skepticism as to whether we’d be allowed to from family and a few friends.

I’ll list their reasons below:

1. We would have 2 (younger) biological children- apparently that doesn’t look good from an adoption point of view. We’ve had a few comments on this one, they’d know they aren’t blood family and wouldn’t get on/ would resent each other. Adoptive sibling might hurt one of dc etc…
2. we both work full time (same reason as above) but we both would get adoptive/ parental leave which is the same as mat/ pat leave?
3. house size, we currently have a 4 bed home but it’s likely we’d upsize in the future to 4 bed+office anyway so this seems moot to me.
4. DH and I are an interracial couple (he is south asian and I’m white european) I’ve been told that they’d only place children of this exact mix with us, whereas I was under the impression that used to be the case but isn’t anymore. I understand this to an extent, a child being raised In their own culture, especially if it’s an older child.
5. we are Muslim, we are progressive but still observant. I’ve heard this would be a big problem, especially for younger children. That they wouldn’t place a child born to non Muslim biological parents with us.

Id really appreciate any sort of clarity on or around some of these points, if they are true or other wise? Xx

It certainly does. I didn't know Saira Khan had been subjected to abuse because of adopting a child! That is appalling.

Of course a child needs to know where they come from (I am adopted), frank age appropriate discussing is to be encouraged where possible. Sometimes the background is not known and nobody can do anything about that.

If you take a child into your home and bring them up, that is adoption even if not legally so. Many people have unofficially adopted over the years.

Anyway it isn't something you are going to do right now so worry about it when and if you need to. You never know, you might find two children is enough. However you and your husband obviously have big hearts.

I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly, keep us posted.

Second para: should be 'discussion', not 'discussing'.

PS: Colonel Ghadaffi had an adopted daughter (she died tragically at 18months). I'm not setting him up as a role model but I remember reading that years ago.

PPS: Sorry, you are not pregnant, you already have two children; I didn't remember your opening post properly.

@lifehappened and @jellycatspyjamas I think you might have been talking about different things here and I think that you both had valid points. lifehappened when you said adoption was easier with babies, did you mean that attachment and bonding is easier, and relationship problems less likely, and disruption less likely? Because based on the limited research and statistical info there is about adoption I think you are right and what you said was far more than anecdata. On the other hand, I think that jellycatspyjamas was referring to knowing more about likely developmental problems if the child is older, which is likely to be correct too. I might have misunderstood what you both meant though!

However, in relation to what you say about older children and remembering, I was adopted as an older child and I have had relatively few problems in adult life, and for me I would put that down to the fact that I had memories – so it was a positive thing that I had memories - whether an older adoptee has troubles as you say as they go into adult may be entirely unrelated to problematic adoptions, it will be related to whether the child has been able to learn to process things well and emotional intelligence and life skills and so on – in a similar way to people who experienced other problems in childhood, other than adoption.

I hope that no one finds this unhelpful.

OP I am an adoptee not an adopter, and just for context I am not Muslim.

What came to mind here though was that there was an independent enquiry held in 2018 where all the research relating to adoption was examined and a number of people involved with adoption interviewed, and the outcome was that it was recognised that there is very little research which supports how adoption is done in the UK, and that far more research and review of outcomes was needed and specific areas were highlighted as really needing more work, and one was whether or not cutting the ties permanently with biological family was in the best interest of children. It might be that in the future adoption becomes about permanence and transfer of parental responsibility, but not about changing names or changing legal status. In any event, do you think possibly talking about this issue in this context with those in your family who disagree with adoption might help, ie that research as to what is best for a child is ongoing?

I think that whether these relationships will be an issue in relation to you adopting depends on how often you see them - if you saw them often, that would be the largest concern I'd have, as tension is not ideal for adopted children. This is just my personal opinion, though.