It's just not working

[Runner31]

We haven't had an easy journey and I've posted about some problems we had with the transition and our AS7's understanding of adoption when he first moved in in January. At that point he had had no adoption prep from SW at all, the transition had been cut to 6 days without warning, he didn't know he would be stopping face to face contact with birth mum and didn't understand what adoption meant and had had no life story work. We repeatedly asked for support for him and some life story work but were getting no where.
But, we were muddling along and things were going ok till he had final contact with his birth mum in May and his SW started talking to him about his birth dad. He isn't known but she thought it would be a good idea to tell him who his mum thought it was but said he took a DNA test and it wasn't him.......so they asked that man if he wanted to be a part of his life anyway but he said no!
Ever since then he has pulled away from us. We now get help from a psychologist and she has described our LO as a social chameleon, he adapts to be the person he thinks someone wants him to be and he does it with us as well as strangers. It doesn't sound that hard to live with but it's exhausting. When with other adults, he completley drops us and tries to blend with their family, becoming a son he thinks they would want. He treats us like foster carers. Like we're there to take him places and look after him on a day to day basis but he wants absolutely nothing to do with us emotionally. We try to do something with him such as play or ask him to join us in something and he never wants to.
He's openly said he wants to live with his birth family and thinks his birth dad is going to be found (which is what happened to his brother). He desperately needs some life story work to start immediately but since January his SW has visited him twice and that's despite us saying he needs her help. We don't know what to do. Our relationship with him is awful. He doesn't want to be around us and is almost completely shut off from us. We were doing great at theraputic parenting but our emotional reserves have gone and we're now at the point we can't bare to be around him. The constant rejection is exhausting but the hardest part is seeing him with other people. At the park he will just watch other families like he's imagining being with them.
We know he is mourning the loss of his 3 siblings and birth mum and doesn't understand why he isn't with his birth dad. He has said he doesn't believe that we don't know who he is.
How on earth do we get through this? SW have known about his need for life story work since he moved in and it was in his firat childs plan that it should be a priority but he has had nothing. We've pushed and pushed but got nothing back.
We're now at a point where we don't think the legal side of the adoption should proceed until he has had the life story work. He has said he doesn't want to call us mum and dad and that he's confused in his head about his family and this really feels like a foster placement rather than an adoption.
Help! What on earth do we do?

I can really hear how very very hard this is for you to manage - not at all the lovely “found my forever family” stories romanticised stories they sell at information evenings, but much more realistic in terms of your little boys response to being repeatedly picked up and put down in a new family.

His reaction and response are completely consistent with his life experience. He gets moved about at whim, “family” come and go and he finds himself in a new place, with new people, who expect new things from him. If he can’t do what’s required of him, he gets moved again. The safest thing for him psychologically and emotionally is to treat this like another foster placement because then he won’t be disappointed quite so much when it comes to an end, and subconsciously he’ll push you to end it because as hard as it is, that’s what’s familiar to him. I imagine the idea of someone loving him unconditionally, forever, is absolutely bloody terrifying.

This is going to take time, commitment, consistency - there are literally no short cuts, his whole life has been a cycle of disrupted relationships and moves. You’re going to need to show him day by day that you’re not going anywhere - even if he thinks you will. Life story work will help, but it’s not a magic bullet. I’d start now looking at attachment based therapies, we’re doing DDP with our daughter who was placed at a similar age and has attachment difficulties. It’s based on Dan hughes work on therapeutic parenting so fits well with our parenting approach, we’re doing it through CAMHS, it takes a full history of the child, you and your partners attachment style and looks at the dynamic between you and your child before then doing joint and individual work with you all.

I’d also suggest you both really attending to your self care, make sure you both get time out, cover the eating, sleeping, exercise bases properly, if you’re not already in therapy, get a therapist - someone who will be non-directive and will give you space to fill up again emotionally. The answer to this is going to come from long term, consistent love and care - professionals can help but the day by day work belongs to you. The rejection stuff really is him keeping himself safe by holding you back, it’s not personal (though it feels deeply personal) - my DD will still say she wants to go back to fosters, she doesn’t love me, she wants to leave. It’s become much less over time but I remember how stinging it was to be knocking yourself out to care for a child who said they preferred someone else. I know it comes from a place of fear, now, and it washes over me to where we can laugh about it sometimes.

Reread books like Building Bonds of Attachment to remind yourself why he is the way he is, it’s a perfectly normal survival response, albeit not conducive to family life.

What is the psychologist suggesting in terms of your parenting of him? The whole “social chameleon” thing is fine to say, but what are they saying about how you help him have a stronger sense of self?

Are there specific behaviours or situations you’re finding tough or is it the whole thing? Remember you’re still early days - you’ve only been a mum for 6 months, in usual circumstances your child wouldn’t hardly be mobile at this stage, much less telling you they aren’t yours. Be realistic about what you can expect from you and your son, you’re working against 7 years of history with 6 months experience, it’s going to take time.

Thank you, I needed to hear that. It's very early days with the psychologist and at the moment she says she's at the information gathering/assessment phase. She has to write a report for the local authority to sign off before any actual therapy begins.
I'm starting therapy at the end of the month, I can feel myself just emotionally broken. My husband shuts himself down.
The hardest things he does is tell me he's pretended to enjoy something with me. He laughs while he tells me or makes a smart comment. He can be a very sweet kid but when he says that it's like a punch in the stomach. We know he plays different roles depending who he is with, he's unintentionally very obvious about it and it's exhausting for him but when he laughs about pretending with me I just wonder how do I know when he's really being real. I'm actually not sure he ever is.
He keeps everything inside and we have no angry outbursts or tears. He's very deadpan and I find that really hard. I know why he does it, it's his well practiced survival tetechnique I just often think I would give anything to see him show emotion and get angry or sad. The theory and the practical side of things I know but the reality is so hard.

I'm sorry, I posted on the wrong thread earlier. I can hear how hard this is for all of you.

I have no wisdom to offer, but you're so right- the theory makes sense, but it's so so hard in reality.

He's been let down by so many adults so far.

The hardest things he does is tell me he's pretended to enjoy something with me. He laughs while he tells me or makes a smart comment

I’d say don’t assume he’s pretending, he may literally have no language for feelings.

My DD was 6 when placed and her foster carers told me she wasn’t sad about leaving them at all, she treated it like going on a big adventure and was excited. When I met her yes she was smiley and excited, but when I look at those early photographs I see an absolutely terrified child who had no idea how to understand or express emotion. It became clear very early on she had no words for feelings - couldn’t say if she was happy or sad or scared so just got on with things.

We did a lot of work on emotional literacy, starting with games pulling funny faces, show me your angry, happy, silly face. Reading books and wondering out loud how the person in the story was feeling, pointing out their facial expressions and looking for “feeling” cues. After a good while she was able to mourn her losses, and cry and feel sad, before then I honestly think she just didn’t know how to match her inside feeling with her outside expression, so her presentation was always out of step with what she was saying.

It’s taken a long time (3 years) but recently she’s been able to verbalise how she’s feeling much more easily. Remember that emotional literacy is something we learn in relationships with attuned caregivers, if his caregivers haven’t put in the work, he won’t know how to do it and will just mirror people around him (social chameleon) regardless because he’s trying to find his place.

My DD would also giggle when she talked about enjoying something, or would say she hated me, wanted to go home - she just didn’t know where she fitted. If she did giggle, I’d say how much I enjoyed being with her, how much I loved her etc etc modelling how to express feelings. I’d also comment “I wonder if that’s quite hard for you to say” or some such not pointing out the laughing but wondering about the difficulty in saying she was happy, sad, mad.

Things like Theraplay exercises can help, if you Google emotional literacy you’ll find some good resources but just talking about people in books or movies, wondering how they’re feeling or why their face looks like x can be really helpful as can talking about your own feelings - I’ll say I feel angry or sad or excited etc and be quite open about how I feel because it models for them that there are no “wrong” feelings.

Knowing the theory and living it are very different things, and it’s bloody hard work but you can make a difference in your day to day interactions with him. I’m glad the psych sounds like she’s doing a decent assessment which will hopefully lead to meaningful intervention.

We know he plays different roles depending who he is with, he's unintentionally very obvious about it and it's exhausting for him but when he laughs about pretending with me I just wonder how do I know when he's really being real. I'm actually not sure he ever is.

I wonder if it might help to think that, in that moment, he’s being real. It may be consistent and he may change with the wind but what you’re seeing in that moment is him being as real as he can be - with all his fears, trauma, confusion and will to fit in. We instinctively react to people who are fake or incongruent, so your instincts are telling you to hold back (we have those protective bits too), but if you consider that, for him, he’s being as real as possible, it might help you engage with the child you have in front of you which in turn might help him feel safe and accepted enough to show more of himself?

Thanks so much for all your wisdom. It really does help immensely.

I think I really need to work harder on me and my husband needs to do the same. The emotional good and bad days are just absolutely crushing me. Yesterday was awful. I slept terribly but faced a new day and today has been great. LO has been upset at missing his siblings but we also had a great day out on the water as a family. I'll try and get my counselling sorted soon and use your fantastic advice. Thank you.

It’s funny how the good days are almost as hard as the bad days - I’d find myself thinking about how good it can be, while knowing there would be some kind of “pay back” as my girl would try to reset the universe back to the chaos she was familiar with.

Go easy on yourself, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t find yourself completely spent by the emotional demands being made on you. Yes to counselling, yes to wine, yes to laughing with friends, yes to getting a cleaner in, yes to going to a movie by yourself where you can cry like a toddler and no one can see you (or maybe that’s just me). You might not believe it just yet, but you’re doing an amazing job. An amazing job, honestly.

You poor thing, OP. I can hear the turmoil and stress that must be ever present at the moment - and then above all of that, you have the overwhelming sense that you know you have to do right by your DS and can’t give up.

I agree about not pressing ahead with the legalities - if only to put pressure on the LA to give you the support you need. Make them realise how serious this is. Make sure both you and your DH are getting some sort of respite - marriages are put under so much pressure - and some don’t make it. Please somehow find some time for some self care for yourselves.

This is a long journey - it is really hard. I remember when we first adopted DS2 and I couldn’t attach/didn’t love him. It probably took me 18 months. With DS1, I think he only loves me now - and that has taken 8 years. It is a time thing. I really believe it.

Sending you lots of virtual hugs.

I am an adoptee and parent, not an adopter.

When he talks about pretending, there isn't going to be adult intent. It sounds as though he might be outside his “window of tolerance” and it is possible that he is expressing hurt, or anger. It is possible that he thinks that you are pretending, and he has turned it around. I think that if he is actually pretending, then I would be worried that he may feel he is responsible for your feelings - many adoptees do, even as young as 8, ie many adoptees have given testimony to this as adults.

The fact that you don't notice the pretending at the time and that you feel uncertain about his true feelings might be an indication that you still need to get to know him properly. As an adoptee I would say the best way to do this is talk, about emotions but also about opinions, thoughts, about everything and regularly. Talking about all his thoughts about feelings about mundane things will lead to him being able to talk more about important things. You will over time be able to know what he really means even when he doesn't say it.

In relation to why he has become more rejecting I see this with a slightly different emphasis from jellycatspyjamas, because of my past experiences. I think that children from care are more attuned to the characteristics of the adults around them, as a survival strategy, ie working out whether or not the adults are people they can rely on, whether they are solid as a rock, whether they can cope with everything and everyone and whether they care about them and have their back, and trustworthy and reliable and so on. There have been a number of problems over the last six months which may have affected his trust in your relationship with him eg your SW telling you not to talk with him about certain things - in my experience not talking and not being honest (in child appropriate ways) is a huge no no - all children will sense if they are not being told things but they will not know what it is exactly they are not being told and it affects their anxiety levels and their trust. My own reading of your posts over time has been that there has been a gradual disintegration of your positivity and you have said that you are very overwhelmed - your ds may well have picked up on that. The way you post has made me wonder if you have "secondary trauma" - ie whether his story and what might have happened or might happen in the future in care has in fact traumatised you, and this is why your ability to cope and positivity and ability to take in new information has reduced.

And basically in summary of all this, it sounds as though your ds has been failed by every adult he has had in his life so far, quite significantly, and I think it is quite possible that he has decided that you fall into that camp - and that it is this which heightened the social chameleon behaviour and rejection of you. You feeling out of depth might have led him to feel lonely. But if so this is something that can be turned around - Jellycatspyjamas has advocated DPP before and I think that if you had the right psychologist working with you, this could be a good thing for you all, it could really help with how you interact with him and establishing a positive parent/child relationship – though your psychologist will advise obviously. I do also agree with you that professional lifestory work would be really beneficial for him

What I would like to say loud and clear as an adoptee about birth family interest is that it can sit alongside and not push out or minimise the relationship with the adoptive parents. The adoptive parents are parents and do all the parenting things - set boundaries, explain and interpret things for the child, teach social skills, encourage the building of other skills, help the child to get to know themselves really well and to learn to build their lives on sound foundations, have the child's back in all senses, constantly connect and re connect, help the child cope, help the child recover from developmental trauma, help keep the child in their "window of tolerance" - etc and I believe that it is this which leads to the good parent/child relationship. The fact that he loves his birth family and even that he is thinking that they are the more important people right now, does not have to be at all detrimental to your relationship with him long term – your relationship with him will be down to you, and I do think therapeutic work will help. I think your initial intuition about him calling you mum and dad, as per your earlier thread, was right incidentally.

Sorry about length and good luck with it all.

What a beautiful and insightful post, @sassygromit. Thanks for posting. It helps all of us adoptive parents.

You are very kind! Thank you Hels20.

Thanks @sassygromit. The pretending links into his ability to adapt to those around him and as a survival mechanism. We've seen him do it with adults but he also does it with children. If you remove the emotion and our place in it, it can be quite amazing to watch but the reality is it limits his ability to make friends and form relationships with us and with others. He has very poor social skills as a result of his time in foster care and completely mimics his peers which for other children is suffocating and very intense.
I have to say he does it less with us than with his peers which is why this week it all became too much.
I think it's a little harsh to say we fall into the camp of adults who have let him down or rejected him and I actually don't think he feels that. We haven't rejected him but we do admit when we have difficult days and I think it's important as an adoptive parent to be able to admit that. From when I first posted this week we have been able to talk things through and have got to the bottom of why things had increased and heightened for him. Life was awful but as a family and with good advice from here we have worked out the triggers.
We have no issue what so ever with his love of his birth family. The biggest problem for all of us is how sad it is, the amount of loss he has had over the last year. We talk openly about how important they are including his birth mum and how she will always be a feature of his life, even if for a while it is only by letter. But, his birth family is very complicated and he has a lot of questions about some important members of his family that we can't give him.
We try our best to parent therapeutically and the psychologist is helping us to do that on our most difficult days when we find it hard. She is putting together a plan for us but she supports us when she can in the meantime.
Today I also spoke to our SW to highlight where some of this weeks problems have come from and explain that we need life story work from his SW as a priority.
We are far less positive about adoption than we were 6 months ago and to be honest that is because the system has continually let us down. We have had to put so much energy into fighting for the basics for our LO from SW that some weeks our emotional reserves are low. But, on days when I say it feels like it's not working it's because in that moment I am broken, but I'm not saying we give up. I post on here as an outlet for support and help and like most, I rarely post on our good days. But just so you know we're not totally miserable....
After an emotional evening last night when he broke down and talked through how he was feeling about the loss of a member of his birth family he had a cuddle and fell asleep next to me while he listened to his favourite bedtime meditation story. Today he built dens with his cousin, went swimming and we went shopping and laughed while we got covered in caramel from a doughnut. We talked in the car about our family journey and cuddled on the sofa when we got in.
Life is tough some days and I'm so grateful for all the advice on here but we aren't in the camp of adults who let him down and I'm very confident he knows that.

OP - just to say. It’s ok to say it’s hard. I have been on my knees sometimes. I also really really struggled adopting DS2 and was convinced we had made a mistake for a looong time. I was so thankful that I had a partner - hats off to single adopters. I remember one week when I had loads of issues with DS1 and was also trying to parent DS2 - and I was so weepy and remember thinking that I wished I hadn’t adopted (what an awful person I am thinking that but I couldn’t help it). I say that - only to tell you that some of us have also really struggled - for lots of different reasons. Parenthood (which I had wanted for so long) was so different to what I had imagined.

But - we have hung on in there and we have had ups and downs but now - more ups than downs.

Please be kind to yourself.

We have had to put so much energy into fighting for the basics for our LO from SW that some weeks our emotional reserves are low.

I think it’s very hard to understand just what this does to you if you’ve not been there. Going from out children to parenting from a standing start, a child who has been harmed already and is a stranger to you, placed by professionals who have made some pretty dubious decisions impacting their care and then having to really strongly stand your ground is very very tiring. Especially when your advocating for a child you don’t really know, trusting that your instincts are right, flying in the face of people who know more about the child and who are dragging their heels or downright disagreeing with you (often to protect the resources they gatekeeper). The parenting part I expected to be challenging - the fighting for every single piece of support for your child is a whole new level of difficult. I know my way round the system, know what they “should” be doing, know how to present an argument but my goodness nothing makes me doubt myself more than some of the conversations, discussions and disagreements I’ve had fighting for my kids. And nothing wears you down like watching the impact of those restrictions and decisions on the child who needs support to recover from the impact of the very system that gave you them.

I was like that as a child too OP. I had complex trauma and was unable to be myself with anyone. As an adult I am a complete recluse because I trust nobody.
That poor poor child, whatever you see on the surface I can tell you it goes so deep you will never be able to see the bottom.
Any more rejection will be the end of him.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky I just wanted to acknowledge your post, I hope that you are okay - but I didn't want to sound patronising either

OP I do understand your point of view here and I understand the points jellycatspyjamas makes too about "if you havent been through it you won't understand". Just one small thing though - you misunderstood what I was referring to in relation to in the paragraph about "pretending" - in that paragraph i was referring only to when he said to you he had pretended to enjoy something - ie to what he had said to you, not the pretending as part of being a social chameleon which I referred to later - I hope that paragraph makes better sense now. In relation to the pretending as part of being a social chameleon with everyone, I understand what you mean, I have seen this before, and I really hope you all get the therapeutic input you are asking for which will help him with all this.

I wondered - was the advocacy organisation successful withe SW, did she respond well to them? I am asking only out of interest, though - don't feel you have to reply.

SW were not happy with us getting advocacy involved. So far his advocate is building a relationship with him and he hasn't needed to lean on her yet but it is comforting knowing she is there. I have to say for all the problems we have had with SW absolutely nothing has changed with his SW. Our psychologist is now asking for life story work to begin ASAP and we are pushing for it through our SW so we'll see if it actually materialises. If it doesn't his advocate will get involved because a lot of his questions only she has the answers or knowledge to deal with.

I didn't think the SW would like it - it sounds as though things would have been different with a different SW for sure! I have done advocacy work, and if you wanted to deal with this yourself at any time your advocate would be able to explain how to do it, and she could also remain in the background giving advice as and when problems arose. NB - I am not advising you do this, it is just an idea, which you can ignore.

I read over your OP again - when you say At the park he will just watch other families like he's imagining being with them - I suggested in my first post above to talk more, find out more about what he is thinking and feeling more - you could ask him what he is thinking about, and what he is imagining, ie if you can reassure him that he need not worry about hurting your feelings, and that he can be honest with you. This again is just a suggestion, an idea, though and you may have already done it.

Best of luck

“ At the park he will just watch other families like he's imagining being with them”

I can’t offer much advice and think everything suggested above sounds sensible. I did want to remark on this. My son is 3, he came home 14 months ago and our AO was granted this month.

My son has attachment and trauma related issues - every month that goes on things improve. We’re superficially very happy.

My son will often behave in a way to make me happy, he’s keen to please me. A lot of this is toddler behaviour but some of it is survival. He’ll tell me he loves me when he wants something or when he senses I’m cross, for example. It’s a very 3 way to behave but I sense he wants to be ‘perfect’ for me in some instances (although thankfully not in most, he’s very rude in an appropriate 3 year old way!). He can be quite chameleon too, but not to the extent an older child can be. I recognise this because my sister is just like this, especially with family. We had a terrible traumatic childhood (we should have been removed in retrospect) and even now I watch her swap and change her personality based on who she’s with. Her voice changes too. I also do this but more socially, in a sense. I think we all do, for different reasons. I used to do it a lot in romantic relationships. It’s a way of feeling safe and accepted, as I’m sure you know.

But to get to the quote above… I used to think my son watched other families because he wanted to be with them. I’m a solo mother and he’s fascinated by daddies and the more traditional family dynamic (although interestingly most of our friends are single / gay parents - very diverse, so 2.4 children or whatever it is is the anomaly for us). What I realised though was that my son was watching other families because he was learning how families are; how they interact and exist and work. He’s a very clever 3 - he learns by copying - and I realised I was projecting my fears onto his glances, more than seeing what they were. Please don’t think I’m suggesting this is what you’re doing, but maybe he’s watching other families to externally understand and make sense of his forever family with you.

@mahrezzy, I hadn't thought of him watching to learn and that makes perfect sense and something I can very clearly imagine him doing. When I think about it, he does watch everyone and not just families, even us. I often catch him just watching me while I'm singing along to something in the car.

While I have sounded in absolute despair (and I have been feeling that way), please don't think we are just sitting in the corner rocking while he hides in his room. We talk....a lot...about how he is feeling. We have some fantastic books we all read together about how our bodies feel pain, joy, sadness etc because he doesn't have the vocabulary to name how he is feeling. We also talk about how we are feeling and about our journey. Our adoption journey from an awful transition has meant we have had to be very honest with each other about how we are feeli g and he has gone from a boy who didn't open up to one who can show us how he himself is feeling about his journey.
This week has been so tough but necessary. While awful at times he is now confronting for the first time some of his sibling loss. It's so important for him to be able to do that and while we felt helpless and pushed away he's now asking us to help him through it. I guess we can't be completely messing things up and maybe it just felt like it wasn't working for a moment.

@Runner31
there is nothing I can add to the excellent advice you have had here.
But I wanted to say that what comes across to me is your commitment to your little boy.
And thats what he needs most, that commitment and to know it.

In our early days, when we were at the swimming pool my son came close to me and whispered Mummy I don’t ever want to move house again. And I said to him this is the only promise I’ve ever going to make to you, that its you and me now, you arent going anywhere without me.
A few months later things were very difficult, his behaviour towards me was absolutely vile.
One day he slammed a door in a rage, unfortunately I was picking stuff up off the floor where he had thrown them and my head was in the way. I know he didnt mean to hurt me, but he did, and I busrt into tears. He looked terrified, so I said to him, you know I meant it, it doesnt matter what you do, how much I’m hurting, you arent going anywhere, this is it, we are a family now. It didnt make it all better overnight, but it helped move things forward for us.
I completely understand your reasond for wanting to delay your adoption order and I think you are right. But the AO was a massive turning point for us, it was official then, he was staying because the judge said so. But your boy needs to understand why.

Its ok to say its hard because it is. Its ok to do things that maintain your own well being. You are doing a fantastic job

I do not have anything wise to say, I just plod along doing my best. But it sounds like you are doing amazingly. I echo the self care advice, eat the chocolate, drink the wine, have the bath.

So sorry you're having such a rough time OP. Like people have said it's going to be a long process establishing trust. It sounds as if sw are failing him. I think you need to do what you can to get them to pull their finger out although I appreciate how exhasuting this must be. I think you need to fight for the input now before AO is granted as the support will diminish even more so after this. Have you watched a documentry called 'a home for maisie' on dailymotion? It'll break your heart so have the tissues ready but I think it captures quite nicely the difficulty of being in this situation and some of the technicalities around getting support. Keep on fighting for your child, look after yourself and I hope things start to improve x x x

@Runner31, gosh, it must’ve been so hard to have been placed with an older child on the cusp of the pandemic and then to have struggled through the early months of your placement as the world was shut down. I’m sorry, I haven’t read any previous threads from you, so I don’t know your backstory, so please forgive me if I ask questions/make suggestions which you consider frustrating.

Firstly, absolutely, hold off on any legal order until your placing authority steps up with appropriate support but have you been in contact with your child’s guardian and reviewing officer? Is there ongoing contact with previous foster carers?

Honestly, it sounds like you have a smart boy whose survival instinct is to make sense of the world around him by observing and copying other children and families. Generally speaking, many of our children have missed out on the social cues and ‘normal’ interactions of safe and functional families - simple things that you and I would take for granted - so they have to backfill these skills at later stages or mask, as my eldest daughter, now 13 (and with me since babyhood) does on a day to day basis. She is the proverbial swan madly paddling below the surface in an attempt to keep up with the ‘normality’ of her peers.

This may be a big and scary question, but would you consider direct contact with birth mother? What about contact with siblings? I know it’s unusual, but we have regular, direct contact with my younger child’s birth mum, plus various half-siblings, and I can see the benefits to her in terms of making sense of where she fits in the world vs my eldest child who has never had direct or indirect contact with any of her birth relatives.

It sounds like you are doing an incredible job of equipping your boy with the emotional literacy and language in order for him to be able to express some of those big, dark, scary and shameful feelings he has been holding very close to his heart. What you are experiencing may be the outcome of giving him this outlet?

You mention a psychologist and, with all due respect, is this a professional who has experience of working with adopted, fostered and trauma-experienced children? I’ve found (over my 13-year journey) that many professionals aren’t really very knowledgeable about attachment-related issues, or conversely (and perhaps perversely), they read ‘adoption’ and automatically assume ‘attachment difficulties’ even though there could be flags for diagnoses like autism/ADHD in the mix.
What time are you getting for you as a couple and you as individuals? Could you call upon family and friends to baby-sit, host play dates so you can regroup? Adoptive parenting is tough and sometimes even super-heroes need to recharge their batteries!

Finally, if the park situations bother you could you rethink your family trips so you head into the wilds, for example, and are unlikely to encounter others?

Also, don’t forget to team-tag with your other half - you don’t both need to be on permanent duty.

Good luck!