It's just not working

[Runner31]

We haven't had an easy journey and I've posted about some problems we had with the transition and our AS7's understanding of adoption when he first moved in in January. At that point he had had no adoption prep from SW at all, the transition had been cut to 6 days without warning, he didn't know he would be stopping face to face contact with birth mum and didn't understand what adoption meant and had had no life story work. We repeatedly asked for support for him and some life story work but were getting no where.
But, we were muddling along and things were going ok till he had final contact with his birth mum in May and his SW started talking to him about his birth dad. He isn't known but she thought it would be a good idea to tell him who his mum thought it was but said he took a DNA test and it wasn't him.......so they asked that man if he wanted to be a part of his life anyway but he said no!
Ever since then he has pulled away from us. We now get help from a psychologist and she has described our LO as a social chameleon, he adapts to be the person he thinks someone wants him to be and he does it with us as well as strangers. It doesn't sound that hard to live with but it's exhausting. When with other adults, he completley drops us and tries to blend with their family, becoming a son he thinks they would want. He treats us like foster carers. Like we're there to take him places and look after him on a day to day basis but he wants absolutely nothing to do with us emotionally. We try to do something with him such as play or ask him to join us in something and he never wants to.
He's openly said he wants to live with his birth family and thinks his birth dad is going to be found (which is what happened to his brother). He desperately needs some life story work to start immediately but since January his SW has visited him twice and that's despite us saying he needs her help. We don't know what to do. Our relationship with him is awful. He doesn't want to be around us and is almost completely shut off from us. We were doing great at theraputic parenting but our emotional reserves have gone and we're now at the point we can't bare to be around him. The constant rejection is exhausting but the hardest part is seeing him with other people. At the park he will just watch other families like he's imagining being with them.
We know he is mourning the loss of his 3 siblings and birth mum and doesn't understand why he isn't with his birth dad. He has said he doesn't believe that we don't know who he is.
How on earth do we get through this? SW have known about his need for life story work since he moved in and it was in his firat childs plan that it should be a priority but he has had nothing. We've pushed and pushed but got nothing back.
We're now at a point where we don't think the legal side of the adoption should proceed until he has had the life story work. He has said he doesn't want to call us mum and dad and that he's confused in his head about his family and this really feels like a foster placement rather than an adoption.
Help! What on earth do we do?

@Runner31 how very difficult for you all.

Totally agree with Jellycatspyjamas, "The safest thing for him psychologically and emotionally is to treat this like another foster placement because then he won’t be disappointed quite so much when it comes to an end, and subconsciously he’ll push you to end it because as hard as it is, that’s what’s familiar to him."

The good thing in all that is that he isn't trying to hurt you, he's trying to avoid hurt to him. And although you probably understand that already, it is still very tough not to take things personally.

And also totally agree, "Life story work will help, but it’s not a magic bullet." And agreee 100% about self care. Loook after yourself.

We ahve a birth child of 16 and an adopted son of 11. Our birth child has some serious mental health issues and I have now been diagnosed with depression and given a mild dose of Sertraline. It has worked wonders. I will also be offered therapy but not until we finish Family Therapy (through CAMHS). I am not suggesting you are depressed, just that I was and had not realised it!

"The hardest things he does is tell me he's pretended to enjoy something with me. He laughs while he tells me or makes a smart comment. He can be a very sweet kid but when he says that it's like a punch in the stomach." That's very sad but I would assume that sometimes he is actaully enjoying it but is worried to say so. I would just reassure him you are enjoying his complany. You had fun at what you did. You could ask how to make things more fun, give him choices. Brace yourself for any comments which you don't like. Focus on anything positive. My son has been with us a number of years and recenetly said something about things getting better but me still being 'something negative'... so I said I was sorry and he deserved the best mum but was glad things were getting better.

". I know why he does it, it's his well practiced survival tetechnique I just often think I would give anything to see him show emotion and get angry or sad." That will come when he feels safe to do it, I think. Show him slowly and carefully how to express how he feels.

Aree with Hels20 "I agree about not pressing ahead with the legalities - if only to put pressure on the LA to give you the support you need."

"Today he built dens with his cousin, went swimming and we went shopping and laughed while we got covered in caramel from a doughnut. We talked in the car about our family journey and cuddled on the sofa when we got in." Wow that sounds like an amazing day. XX

We had Theraplay with our adopted son aged about 6 and it worked very well. I hope you get the right support.

Thanks everyone, I do feel really reassured and there is some great advice. I can't look back on my phone properly but someone said something along the lines of things maybe being better when the AO is through because of what it symbolises. I hadn't really thought about that but it makes sense and after all the problems we have had with SW I can see knowing his is out of our lives would make a huge difference.

Things went downhill but I'm taking lots of positives from the last week. He was seperated from his brother 18 months ago and his SW and foster carer insisited he wasn't sad about it and really wasn't bothered. Well he has suppressed it all this time (it didn't tale a genius to see that's what he was doing) and he is now finally processing that loss. As sad as it is to see it's really important he does that and he feels safe enough to do that with us.
Also his psychologist is really encouraging, particularly because she is working with us as a family so early in the placement.
We have to work out how to manage the down days better but with all your great advice we have some ideas of how to do that.

@SmaugMum, we have had quite a complicated 7 months I'm not even sure where to begin to answer your questions.

Contact with birth mum has been, not because she's difficult but how it's been managed. We do think he could have had ongoing contact with BM but didn't have a say and it was in our contract with our solicitor (which the LA pay for) that we wouldn't go against their decision. He moved in with us in January, he found out at the end of March contact with her would be stopping and after a botched 'normal' contact with her in April he had a final contact with her in May.
The sibling contact......his younger brother is being adopted and those parents aren't maintaining any contact with siblings due to family problems, he is supposed to see two of his siblings every holiday and that is happening amd he didn't know his older brother existed till we told him a few months ago. There's other sibling stuff going on but I really would end up writing an essay. We have told him and I think he trusts us, that we will always do our best to keep contact with his siblings. He has gone from being part of a 4 sibling group to being on his own and because of their needs he can't live with them. It's absolutely heartbreaking and really difficult for him to understand when his default is always to blame himself.

And with going into the wilds.....we actually live in the wilds so going to parks is our cintact with humanity 😂

I hadn't really thought about that but it makes sense and after all the problems we have had with SW I can see knowing his is out of our lives would make a huge difference.

The other thing with the adoption order, if he’s able to understand it, is that no one can take him, move him or change your family - I think that sense of security is massive for children who have the kind of history your child has. It also means an end to review meetings, professional interference etc which might help him feel less like a foster child, in time. The reality is, if they aren’t supporting you now not having the AO won’t change that and you’re better placed to stand your ground with various professionals when you don’t have sw basically telling you what you can or can’t do.

That's all very true. The adoption order for one of his good friends came through a couple of months ago and we got them a family plant for the garden which he loved.
He also struggles with making sense of his birth family history particularly with his birth dad (unknown). He thinks he is going to be found and he will go and live with him (that's what happened to his brother). At the time that happened he wasn't spoken to about his history or supported through his brother moving. I think it's one of the reasons he sees us as foster carers, he's just waiting for his birth dad to be found. Having the AO would likely make a big impact on him understanding we're together forever.

I wanted to post about this a few weeks ago, but didn't get the chance. I hope things are going well for you all.

I think it's one of the reasons he sees us as foster carers I remember your threads since January, and the situation has been really very unclear, foster vs adopter, and I would have expected your ds to pick up on the confusion. For example, you have explained before how you are legally the foster carer and the SW had told you not to talk about contact, and you were not part of the decision making process – that is a far cry from being a parent/adoptive parent, and I would imagine have been very confusing. Also, he went to live with you many months ago with the belief that he would continue to see his birth mother periodically (as I understand it) and he would have sensed the difficulties you were having with the SW – and after a few months he then gets told that contact with his birth mother would cease and in May he has final contact. I imagine this would still be affecting him very deeply.

In relation to the legal side of things, it sounds slightly muddled - this isn't advice as such, and I do remember you saying that you were too overwhelmed to read up about contact, but basically once you apply for the adoption order, the court will NOT be bound by your signing the contract you refer to – the court will go along with what the SW has decided here only in the absence of any application by you to reconsider contact arrangements documenting your reasons and including supporting information, from a psychologist for example. With that information, it is extremely unlikely that a court would not want to open up the issues for discussion, and it is likely they would be willing to agree new arrangements, with discussion with the SW and you and any other relevant parties.

I think that I feel in a similar way to jellycatspyjamas except coming from the other end – unless you have been through this, it is hard to understand what it is like. I have been through this, and so even if you ignore or you think I am wrong or stating the obvious, I still think it is worth posting about it.

Again, this is advice based on personal experience, but if it is not helpful or states the obvious please feel free to ignore

We talk....a lot...about how he is feeling. [...] because he doesn't have the vocabulary to name how he is feeling
i think emotional intelligence and emotional literacy are vital, but I also think, based on my experiences, that talking a lot about thoughts is really important too because:

• in my experience, being a social chameleon is often linked to unhealthy thought processes such as “I am bad, they are good, if I like the same things as them I will be good like them” or “they will think I am rubbish unless I like the same things as them” or just not knowing themselves well enough, and sometimes, with children from care, no one ever having taken the time or trouble to talk to them about why a colour is their favourite colour or their favourite animal etc
• talking helps young children get to know their own unique qualities and dreams and wishes, and helps them then build their own self concept on firm foundations. This ties in also I think with “truth” I believe - truth being something some adopters highlight as an issue but it is also all tied in with inner truth and sense of self – and identity – and helping children know what they really think about things can help the child with this.

It also helps you get to know them inside out,and them get to know you inside out, and sets up a dialogue which can be built on and built on over time.

This video, which is basically research based therapeutic parenting advice, talks about this sort of thing and I think is really excellent (it was in a link posted by yolande7 posted fairly recently):

In relation to social skills, which you mentioned, I recommend this if you don't already have it - “How to be a Friend: A Guide to Making Friends and Keeping Them” by Laurie Krasny Brown. It is good in relation to the usual friendship rules and do's and don't's but also it illustrates how there can be many different "right" ways of making a friend – ie that a child doesn't have to change just to be the same as someone else. Reading this with him a few times will help him understand how other children see things, and to see the potential of friendships to bring happiness.

For a more in depth look at social skills this book for adults (to help children) is often recommended on MN “The Unwritten Rules of Friendship” by Natalie Madorsky Elmen and Eileen Kennedy Moore. It explains that not all children pick up social skills naturally but can be taught them and gives a number of examples of common problems together with solutions.

@sassygromit, thanks so much. Some of those resources look really good but I'll check them out properly over the weekend.

Future contact with his birth mum is pretty much sorted. The reality is he is fully aware that she didn't/couldn't keep him safe and he isn't just accepting of the ending of face contact but more relaxed and at peace now that he knows what their future relationship is, just letterbox contact. He seems to have a strong and reasonable fear that maintaining face to face contact with birth mum keeps contact with 'bad men'. SW caused his confusion by not talking to him about it or explaining things to him and that caused him lot of stress but his bigger concern now is future contact with his siblings. We're navigating that and we'll get through it.

I'll have a look at the books later. Thanks so much for your advice. We might be in different situations but it is appreciated.

That's great, I am pleased I didn't offend. It sounds as though your ds' fear is an about turn from earlier in the year, so fwiw my advice is be prepared about changing feelings ahead. I hope it goes well with sibling contact.

My dc are of a similar age to your ds, and though biological there will be overlap, so our situations are not totally different!