Drug and alcohol exposed babies

[MehrsMama]

Hi
Does anyone here have experience with adopting a baby that has been exposed to drugs and alcohol and domestic violence in utero?
I have the most amazing beautiful 18 month old, clever , funny, meeting all milestones ahead of time. But he DOES NOT SLEEP. He will sleep for a couple of hours at the beginning of the night and then be up for at least 4/5 hours, completely wide awake, and often becoming extremely distressed, until he collapses with exhaustion and may get another hour or two before he’s up for the day. I have read that this is not unusual in drug exposed babies. I just want to know if there is anything that helps? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Does this ever change. I’m EXHAUSTED . I’m a single parent and cannot continue on 2 hours of sleep a night, while trying to manage his distress. I’m not exaggerating when I say NOTHING works when he is in this state. I know all the basics, have a routine, low simulation before bedtime, appropriate diet etc. It would be good to hear from anyone else in a similar situation and how you manage? Thank you

You might want to have this moved to the adoption forum - lots of folk very experienced both in adoption and in pre-birth exposure to substance misuse.

In general babies exposed to drugs and alcohol can be very high needs and domestic abuse in uterine will play a part too in terms of the babies arousal system. How long has your little one been with you?

Lots of people with advice on the adoption board- definitely ask Mumsnet to move for you

Substance misuse and prolonged high stress situations can disturb the development of the brains pathways in babies in the womb. I don't have any advice on how to manage that other than to really really focus on creating a secure attachment between you both to counteract those negative effects. Has your HV given any advice?

Hi, thank you everyone. How do I get the post moved to the adoption thread? Sorry I’ve only just joined today!

HV hasn’t really given much advice to be honest, she didn’t seem to have that much knowledge about it

I’ve asked for it to be moved for you

You’re in the adoption section now. Well done. 😀

Your HV won’t have a clue. They’re HV’s for regular Joes and have no specialist knowledge.

Nor do I tbh. I had a baby like yours. For years he was awake between 12am and 3am (at least). In the early days he’d cry so I’d hold him and go through a whole getting him back to bed/sleep routine. Eventually, it changed so that he’d be awake but he’d be playing and I could hear him playing so I’d leave him to it. (He’s 8 now and could sleep for England.)

Someone who knows what they’re talking about will likely be along soon. Hang in there. 💐

(Also it may go without saying, but sleep when baby sleeps - whenever that is!)

Thank you so much for replying. 😊 I try to sleep when he does but sometimes he finally falls asleep at 5am and I find it so hard to switch off knowing he will be up again soon 🙄
Sounds very similar to your baby though, although 8 years is a long time to wait for a good nights sleep 😴 was your little one exposed to drugs and alcohol too?

Most children placed for adoption now have been exposed to alcohol and often drugs, both mine went through neonatal abstinence. They were much older than yours when placed so our issues have been different.

How long has your little one been with you?

I know all the basics, have a routine, low simulation before bedtime, appropriate diet etc

One thing that stood out for me is you have a good bedtime routine for him which is great, keep going with that. Maybe add in some lavender based bubble bath and baby lotion, the scent is soothing and physical touch rubbing in the lotion is good for building attachment and is also very soothing.

It strikes me though that if his system is off kilter it may be that looking at it as a whole day issue might help. So lots of physical activity, outdoors where you can, combined with activities that are designed to help soothe him and help him learn how to relax. Children who experience trauma are often hyperaroused, it’s part of the physiological response to trauma and very natural, it means our kids are often hyper vigilant and need to learn how to self soothe and relax. So time outside in fresh air, gentle games or crafts, time cuddled up on the sofa with tv. Messy play is also good because it’s sensory and helps build the connection between his body and his brain.

I’d also keep the day as predictable and routine as you can, because that will lower his general stress levels, chat to him through the day eg now we’re going to X, then it’s time for Y. Keep things familiar, eg don’t worry about what he’s eating, or wearing etc - keeping things calm and stress free where you can will help. If you think of him starting with a much higher base level of stress that most children, he then has less capacity for any additional stress so it spills over into his sleep because his body is flooded with stress hormones which basically propel him into fight or flight (hence he can’t sleep).

There’s a particular type of therapy that might help called Theraplay, if you google you’ll find simple exercises you can do with him which are designed to build attachment and help sooth overwhelmed systems. You can also ask for Theraplay through post adoption support if you’re in England or through your placing agency elsewhere.

Avoid traditional sleep training stuff, those approaches will raise his stress levels and make things worse.

That’s much longer than I intended but some of it might help. Hang on in there.

was your little one exposed to drugs and alcohol too?

Drugs yes, alcohol, we don’t know. Was in ICU as a newborn. 😢

Does he nap in the day?

Yes to the drugs and alcohol and DV. Most adopted babies are.

And yes to the sleep issues! I'm sorry to say it's six plus years for us. Things that have/do help- bath, story bed routine, weighted blanket, lavender spray, co-sleeping, black out blind, white noise. Things that haven't helped- audio books, gro clock, any kind of "sleep training".

Things that worked for us were a good night time routine, night lights and cosleeping. She always starts the night in her own bed though.

I found the key thing that worked for me though was a good morning routine. This meant getting up at the same time every day regardless of what had happened the night before and day of the week. Also nothing happened before this time so if she woke up we cuddled and listened to radio 3 in bed until the alarm went off.

As others have said you need to look at the day as a whole, including nap times and length as well as physical activity and access to the outdoors.

Thank you everyone. I’m so glad I posted. He does nap in the day but only for about an hour and if he’s had a bad night (most nights) it can be shorter.

I have always avoided the traditional sleep training methods. He did co sleep with me for a while but he is in his own cot now as he was not settling well in my bed anymore.

Any tips on what to do while he is awake during the early hours? do I keep trying to get him to sleep or give up ? Last night we ended up going downstairs and watching a nature programme! Probably controversial but he fell back to sleep eventually

Any tips on what to do while he is awake during the early hours?

Anything you can to keep your sanity. If TV works, do it - the blue light might not be great from a sleep perspective but it sounds like by the time he’s awake that ship has sailed.

Is he hungry or thirsty? Would he take some milk or a banana? I find both are good for my kids when they can’t sleep.

I worry about the blue light too but I think sometimes it’s a distraction just enough to calm him down.

I do offer milk which he sometimes takes (despite high told he should not have milk in the night at his age). Haven’t tried a banana though.

My dd just didn't sleep. Some children are like that. Apparently I was too as a child and even now I don't need much sleep.

I found co-sleeping was the only way to get her to sleep longer, although that was hit and miss too.

Maybe I’ll try co sleeping again, but start him off in his own bed

Thank you so much x

We use daydreams (about 50 minutes long) and tik tak (50+ episodes each around 5 minutes long) on CBeebies iplayer if we have the TV at night. Both are very hypnotic.

The other thing to think about, depending on how long he's been home is what happened at the FCs at night. It took me ages to work out that the times my LO was waking up in the night directly corresponded to times FCs went to bed and one got up to start work early. My LO shared a room with them but moved into a room of her own when she came home so she was essentially waking up because it was too quiet at certain times of the night if that makes sense and then she'd panic.

If milk in the night gets you more sleep, give milk in the night!

I got told off by dentist (and for the dummy), but it's water off a duck's back, as the dentist isn't parenting a traumatised child!

That’s so interesting, I know the foster carers were very quiet, and my house is quiet too. The strange thing is, he slept through the night there, and slept through for the first few months once he was with me, and then one night, it all changed. I don’t know if it was the trauma of the move, or something else. Guessing game isn’t it

I agree re the milk! I’m just a bit disheartened to hear this may last years! Don’t get me wrong I never expected this to me easy but I’m just not sure how physically and mentally I will survive it!

One of mine "slept through the night" with FC. I'm firmly convinced DC did nothing of the sort, but was ignored over night in the name of "sleep training", leaving me to pick up the pieces of a child terrified of being alone at night in the longer term.

I’ve sent you a message - hope it helps!

Definitely stop thinking about things as being controversial though - you are on a different parenting journey to others.
5.5 years here.