Drug and alcohol exposed babies

[MehrsMama]

Hi
Does anyone here have experience with adopting a baby that has been exposed to drugs and alcohol and domestic violence in utero?
I have the most amazing beautiful 18 month old, clever , funny, meeting all milestones ahead of time. But he DOES NOT SLEEP. He will sleep for a couple of hours at the beginning of the night and then be up for at least 4/5 hours, completely wide awake, and often becoming extremely distressed, until he collapses with exhaustion and may get another hour or two before he’s up for the day. I have read that this is not unusual in drug exposed babies. I just want to know if there is anything that helps? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? Does this ever change. I’m EXHAUSTED . I’m a single parent and cannot continue on 2 hours of sleep a night, while trying to manage his distress. I’m not exaggerating when I say NOTHING works when he is in this state. I know all the basics, have a routine, low simulation before bedtime, appropriate diet etc. It would be good to hear from anyone else in a similar situation and how you manage? Thank you

My son is 2.5 and is a terrible sleeper, he's always slept badly. His BM didn't drink/take drugs in pregnancy but there was a lot of stress in her life and my son is pretty traumatised. I'm a single adopter too so I understand your pain!

When he was with the FCs he'd wake 4 times a night and would only settle in their arms and with a bottle. When he came home to me he wouldn't let me comfort him but he would take a bottle. You can imagine the number of bottles I gave him at night. However he only really started to sleep when I put him in my bed. And now I've finally got him off the bottles in the night and he still sleeps through.

It's very hard. The social workers were adamant I mustn't cosleep as they thought I'd get a bad nights sleep and that would affect our relationship and attachment building in the day. It's the opposite, I get more sleep and am a better parent in the day time. I'm still exhausted, and he doesn't sleep as much as his friends of a similar age, but he's doing really well.

All I can suggest is do what works. Bottles, co-sleeping, sleeping on his bedroom floor, stopping his day time nap, whatever.

My youngest was born addicted, she went through withdrawal in NICU etc. and was placed in my care the day she was born due to an unusual set of circumstances.
My dd never slept, the keening howling scream stopped at about 12 months but poor sleep has always been an issue - I second what others have said HV won't be of help, these are not a 'normal' set of circumstances.
In my dd's case physical contact helped, tight constant hugging to help calm her central nervous system. This was suggested by the hospital and worked in so much as it helped her relax.
We co slept, for her to be able to touch me especially when she was 2 to 3 - at all times was essential. It also enabled me to doze as she was safe next to me and would play with my hair or her teddies. I found trying to force her to sleep was hopeless and counter productive.
I tried a strict routine but in my dd's case it proved to be part of the problem for her. She needed to relax when she was ready but the routine would make her tense up. Having said that I know routines have worked brilliantly with other babies with similar issues.
If she really couldn't stay calm I would get up with her, we would read/sing/hug. I was so tired but slowly it got better.
She's 5 now and has other medical issues but her sleep is much better. She still co sleeps maybe 50% of the time and usually wakes and comes into my bed the other 50% but we can both live with that.
Ultimately, and I'm sorry because I've been where you are I know this isn't what you want to hear, it just took time. As she grew secure and her physical 'memories' eased sleep came naturally.
Feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to.

Any tips on what to do while he is awake during the early hours?
I would hold him in his room in the almost-dark until I thought I might be able to get him back into his bed.

But what others have said, whatever works, whatever gets you through. (And don’t compare yourself to other parents - you’re doing something very different to most!)

My adopted grandchild was exposed to class A drugs (BM was a heavy user) and there was DV and probably alcohol. LO was placed at 12 months with no sleep routine whatsoever and was hypervigilant. Sleep? Ha ha! What sleep?? My daughter was exhausted with sleep deprivation though she was doing all the recommended things re good routine, plenty of outdoor exercise, calming activities at bedtime etc. Things were so bad she got help from post adoption services who arranged sessions with a sleep therapist who was very experienced in adoption issues. They put together a plan which involved a very very gradual retreat (of mum) from the cot side, almost inch by inch. No going downstairs or interaction other than the necessary reassurance. Absolutely no leaving LO to cry. There was a lot more to it than that and it took several months - but it worked! LO is now 5 and everyone is thriving and happy, but sleep is always the first thing to go if there are any upsets or excitements - in which case they go back to the routine again. Do talk to your SW, hopefully they can help. Good luck! xx

Thank you 😊

I’m so glad someone has said that the routine sometimes didn’t help. I thought it was just us! We have finally got to a place where having a routine is helping him but for a long time (when I was following the foster carers routine) it seemed to terrify him as soon as I started doing anything too so with end, hence why I completely changed that routine and made one that I think suits him better now.

Thanks so much everyone, hearing from you all is helping so much. I was fed up of hearing advice (albeit well meaning) from people who had no idea what I was dealing with, it felt patronising being told to ‘lie him back down and pat him’, 😂

@MehrsMama Glad you found us over on the adoption boards. Nothing to add really to the advice already given. My son was alcohol exposed and definitely the last few years his sleep has really improved.

My dd just didn't sleep. Some children are like that. Apparently I was too as a child and even now I don't need much sleep.

My kids are bio, and this is true. I have one with ADHD, not diagnosed until after starting school but looking back it was from birth. They never slept like a ‘normal’ baby, no long sleeps during the day just a few 10/15min catnaps here and there. No need for a long sleep during the night either. From 9mo they didn’t close their eyes once during the day and kept with the shorter sleep at night. Once out of the cot they would come into bed with us half-way through the night when they woke up. They didn’t go back to sleep, just laid there as they didn’t want to be alone in the dark in their room. Was weird as you would wake up and look over and they would be lying there eyes open, wide awake. Even now as an adult they only sleep for a few hours each night, never tired etc. All my other kids were typical sleepers as babies, kids and adults.

I’m not saying this is the case here, obviously many adopted children have a lot of challenges including sleep due to a wide range of things but just pointing out you do get the odd kid with no adverse background where that’s just ‘them’.

Hi, I don't have an adopted baby but I do have a 17month old.
Not sure what you do in the day but it is always advisable to take them outside for an hour or so and this could maybe reset his circadian rhythm if it is off kilter.
Also, sleep feeds sleep and you say he just has one smallish nap in the day
My boy is napping 1.5-2 hours in the day. Either in two shorter naps or one long one in the middle of the day. I know it doesn't make sense but sometimes if they sleep more in the day, they sleep more in the night too.
So you could try that? If he sleeps in the car or in a pram you could use those to keep him asleep for longer.

@MrsMatty

My adopted grandchild was exposed to class A drugs (BM was a heavy user) and there was DV and probably alcohol. LO was placed at 12 months with no sleep routine whatsoever and was hypervigilant. Sleep? Ha ha! What sleep?? My daughter was exhausted with sleep deprivation though she was doing all the recommended things re good routine, plenty of outdoor exercise, calming activities at bedtime etc. Things were so bad she got help from post adoption services who arranged sessions with a sleep therapist who was very experienced in adoption issues. They put together a plan which involved a very very gradual retreat (of mum) from the cot side, almost inch by inch. No going downstairs or interaction other than the necessary reassurance. Absolutely no leaving LO to cry. There was a lot more to it than that and it took several months - but it worked! LO is now 5 and everyone is thriving and happy, but sleep is always the first thing to go if there are any upsets or excitements - in which case they go back to the routine again. Do talk to your SW, hopefully they can help. Good luck! xx

I was going to say something like this. Sleep is very important for dc and lack of sleep over long periods of time will have an impact on hormones and development. I think that the reason why it can be self perpetuating is because of drops in seratonin from lack of sleep then makes it harder to get to sleep and stay asleep. And energy levels during the day are lower so less energy is used.

Serotonin also plays a role in memory, cognition, and feelings of happiness and other emotions.

So I would take him to the GP and see if a medical referral is possible, or as the pp says get some sessions with a sleep therapist. I would definitely check with a doctor and sleep therapist before assuming he just doesn't need sleep.

@mahrezzy

Not an adopter so normally only lurking here but it seems astonishing that anyone would be opposed to co-sleeping especially in your circumstances.

In many parts of the world it's completely unnatural to sleep alone, the expectation that children should do so is a cultural thing. And for children who have experienced trauma I would imagine that sleeping alone could be a very hard thing indeed.

Thank you, I completely agree!! I find it very strange that we take the most precious thing in our life and put them in a room on their own! He ends up in my bed most nights and I love it! I agree it is definitely a cultural thing 😊

@MehrsMama

If it helps (and I don't want to stir up any "it's not the same with birth children irritation!") DD co-slept way longer than any "expert" would consider acceptable and today is a great sleeper and definitely not clingy, dependent or any of the other things the experts warn about.

Lots of parents don't like the idea for perfectly sound reasons (and there's obviously safety advice about babies) but other than that there's no reason not to co-sleep if it suits both parents and child.

My two are 7 and 9 and routinely make their way into our bed - they need the closeness and comfort, they’ll grow out of it in their own time.

My thoughts exactly, I see it as a good sign that he feels safe enough to sleep next to me and that I am his safe place

melatonin?

Could lullaby milk help? It’s got naturally high melatonin as cows are milked at night. I know children who were exposed to drug/alcohol in utero can have issues regulating and producing serotonin and melatonin. It’s available online and I believe it can be frozen for up to a month so you can buy a few at once.

Hopefully some hope for you here, mine was similar and at 2 sleep suddenly clicked and now it’s 12 hours a night (with the occasional cry for lost teddy/drink etc)

I would get up with him, have a snack, milk, cuppa for u and watch something soothing on tv. Your nature doc sounds fine, u need to keep some sanity too!
Maybe slowly u can transition to staying in your bed with audiobook/radio
Our eldest (birth child) not adopted was just a v poor sleeper, apparently her dad just the same, she would regularly maybe 2 or 3 times a week wake at 12 or 1 and stay awake for 2 or 3 hours when she was 18 months old onwards. I want to say it eased about 3 ish. In time she was able to fall back asleep in our bed with radio 4 on. It’s really tough, I’m sorry. Build in a daytime nap/sofa collapse for u both. And all the outside time u can manage. Buckets of it.