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Original poster

Would you adopt a child with the same name as you?

47 replies

cherrypie111 · 18/01/2021 11:30

This is most likely a silly question, but I'm honestly not sure if my judgement on this is reasonable.

We have been approached for an EP placement, our panel date is later this week and our SW plans for us to move ahead with the EP once approved. Baby girl is due in 3 weeks time (it's an elective C section so we know the date unless she decides to make an early entrance)

Prior to this we have been told the birth mother wanted nothing to do with the baby once born, and didn't even want to name her. Which we thought was a positive since we could then start thinking about names and had some time to think about it.

However this morning we had a call from our SW telling us that the birth mother has changed her mind and wants to name her, however she is planning to call her my name. It's not one there is an easy nickname for either.

I understand the issues around changing an adopted child's name and the identity concerns, but I just can't get my head around having a baby/child with the same name as myself. It's just a little weird to say the least and I don't think I'm going to be comfortable with it.

In this situation, if she does go ahead and name her my name is it going to be damaging to change the babies name once we get our AO? Would you just keep the name even though it's a bit of a weird set up?

OP posts:
Twizbe · 18/01/2021 11:37

Congrats on the placement.

There are lots of people who name their children after themselves so it's not totally strange that you'll share a name.

What you can do when able is to give her another middle name and use that in everyday speech. Again I know a few people that actually go by their middle names.

As shes coming to you so young hopefully it won't be an issue to do this.

Hammyhamster92 · 18/01/2021 12:09

I know a lot of people who are names after their parents, so I don't think it's totally out there to keep the name.

It's not as out there as siblings sharing a name. My colleague, ( Scottish), has given his eight year old birth son the exact same name as himself, and nobody's batted an eyelid.

My brother in law , ( English), has the exact same name as both his father and grandfather as well.

Original poster
cherrypie111 · 18/01/2021 12:29

@Hammyhamster92

I know a lot of people who are names after their parents, so I don't think it's totally out there to keep the name.

It's not as out there as siblings sharing a name. My colleague, ( Scottish), has given his eight year old birth son the exact same name as himself, and nobody's batted an eyelid.

My brother in law , ( English), has the exact same name as both his father and grandfather as well.

It's different and a lot more common for men to have same name as their son. I've never encountered one female named after her mother.
OP posts:
drspouse · 18/01/2021 12:42

Can you turn the little girl's name into a hyphenated or longer name (rather than a nickname)? So if it's Ella instead of trying Ellie or Elle you could go for Ella-nora or Ella-may. Or the little girl is Ella Jane and goes by EJ.
If people ask how you have such similar names then just "it happens" is enough!
I agree it's unusual to have women named after their mothers though being named after a grandmother is much more usual. My DS has names from my DF (he is adopted but wasn't named at birth). My DB also has a first name from my DF and goes by his middle name entirely; my DF uses a shortening (it can be shortened quite happily) as his DF and DGF had the same name (we are very unoriginal). So my DGF went by an entirely different name that's a traditional NN for this name (like Polly is a NN for Mary or Daisy for Margaret).

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/01/2021 12:46

I couldn't possibly refuse a child I was adopting just because she has the same name as me that's bizarre.
Any name can be changed. I've never been known by my first name, I've always been known by a shortened version of my middle name.

Twizbe · 18/01/2021 12:50

@cherrypie111 my friend has the same name as her mother. Her brother has the same name as their father.

movingonup20 · 18/01/2021 12:54

Could you either speak to your server about that name being her middle name or you choosing the middle name and using that as her given name

ifchocolatewerecelery · 18/01/2021 13:22

To be honest I'd be more concerned about the implications of birth mother going from wanting absolutely nothing to do with the child to deciding this. Also I think you need to see it as a positive for the child. The research tells us that there is a massive negative impact on children who grow up feeling completely rejected by their birth parents and that's what her birth mother's previous stance amounts to. By naming her daughter, she is claiming a relationship with her that will help her daughter establish her sense of identity as she grows up.

You also need to think really carefully about any decisions you make regarding her name. I was told on a course run by an expert in life story work that many children will revert to the name that their birth parents gave them when they reach adulthood.

Original poster
cherrypie111 · 18/01/2021 13:44

@ifchocolatewerecelery

To be honest I'd be more concerned about the implications of birth mother going from wanting absolutely nothing to do with the child to deciding this. Also I think you need to see it as a positive for the child. The research tells us that there is a massive negative impact on children who grow up feeling completely rejected by their birth parents and that's what her birth mother's previous stance amounts to. By naming her daughter, she is claiming a relationship with her that will help her daughter establish her sense of identity as she grows up.

You also need to think really carefully about any decisions you make regarding her name. I was told on a course run by an expert in life story work that many children will revert to the name that their birth parents gave them when they reach adulthood.

I can understand the change in her mind, she has had 5 children taken already and for this one she probably thought it was easier if she didn't invest any emotion into the baby as she has been through it so often.

She is still not wanting anything else to do with the baby and there are apparently instruction for the hospital teams to not put the baby on her chest for example after delivery which was her choice.

I'm confident in the placement, as I said she has had 5 taken before, still not in a good place so it's only the name issue that's concerning me atm

OP posts:
Hammyhamster92 · 18/01/2021 13:46

My university flatmate had the exact same name as her mother, ( although tbf, the family were Hungarian , if that makes a difference, but I don't remember anyone thinking it was that unusual when her mum came to visit and they were addressed by the same name).

percypetulant · 18/01/2021 14:29

Name change is controversial. But the legal stance is that after the adoption order, you can name her what you like.

The arguments are tired, and emotive on both sides, and yes, some adults change their names. But realistically, if you're not comfortable with your daughter having your name, you can change it later.

smoothchange · 18/01/2021 14:35

You could always change your name Grin

Original poster
cherrypie111 · 18/01/2021 14:36

@smoothchange

You could always change your name Grin
To be honest it was a fleeting thought, I've never really engaged with my name and it's never felt right but I'd have no idea what to change it to Grin
OP posts:
EG88 · 18/01/2021 15:10

We did EP. Our LO has a name very closely linked to mine. At first I found it a little strange saying the name out loud but the more we read about name change and the more we used their name it just felt like the most beautiful name in the world and one that suits LO through and through. We were able to speak to Mum about why she picked that name and it feels special being able to recount that story for them. Before placement the name thing really played on my mind. After placement all that mattered was LO. I hope that helps. I in no way mean to undermine what you feel right now and hope you reach a decision that is best for your family Flowers

Stinkyjellycat · 18/01/2021 15:23

My sister and Mum have the same name. My Dad and Grandfather have the same name. It’s really not uncommon and while it may feel odd at first, you’ll get used to it if you really want to.

PaintedLadyWBB · 18/01/2021 15:28

If you did decide to change LO’s name then just bear in mind that eventually you will have to explain that to them and your reasoning behind it. Do you think your LO would see your reason as viable?

When we were matched with our LO they were perfect (still is) in every way but the name they had was awful. It was an older person’s name and it was the same name as someone in our family who we absolutely despise. We were gutted but over time we got used to it. I just cover it up by calling LO ‘darling, sweetie, pudding, sweet cheeks, sausage’

vjg13 · 18/01/2021 16:11

I am an adoptee and would have preferred to have kept the names my birth mother chose for me, at the very least as middle names. I have a sibling who was also adopted and my adoptive parents used one of the middle names as first name.

Adoptodad · 18/01/2021 16:19

Its very common where I live.

Many chose their middle name to go by as they get older so if you can give them a good second name they have options if they ever want to.

We would not have chosen our little ones name but it fits them so well now we could not imagine them as anyone else.

lobsteroll · 18/01/2021 16:31

I know someone who has the same name as her mother, but she is the 4th child (mix of girls and boys) so I can understand not wanting 1st child to have the same name.

I would do as others suggested and call by middle name of your choice ans then let her decide when she is older. Or give a middle name and then call by initials eg: Mary Jane - MJ - then you're not totally rejecting the name chosen by birth mother.

Hopefully she is older she will take some comfort from the fact that her birth mother wanted to give her a name.

ifchocolatewerecelery · 18/01/2021 16:36

@cherrypie111 I wasn't thinking about the implications in terms of the placement not happening. EP is only done in specific circumstances. I was thinking more in terms of the possibility that she might want contact with the child and to be more involved and informed than you had originally anticipated. Also it allows you to say to your child that she was wanted and loved by her birth mother, that her birth mother cared enough about her to name her.

To be honest, I was gutted when we were advised to change our LO's name because despite being lovely it was so distinctive that even their FCs had never addressed them by it.

Original poster
cherrypie111 · 18/01/2021 18:22

[quote ifchocolatewerecelery]@cherrypie111 I wasn't thinking about the implications in terms of the placement not happening. EP is only done in specific circumstances. I was thinking more in terms of the possibility that she might want contact with the child and to be more involved and informed than you had originally anticipated. Also it allows you to say to your child that she was wanted and loved by her birth mother, that her birth mother cared enough about her to name her.

To be honest, I was gutted when we were advised to change our LO's name because despite being lovely it was so distinctive that even their FCs had never addressed them by it. [/quote]
I was expecting her to be involved and want the visits so that's not a concern, I was more surprised she wanted no involvement than anything.

OP posts:
Somuddled · 18/01/2021 19:07

Sorry if I have missed this in your posts but does the birth mother know your name? If the reason she wants to name the baby is to give her baby a link to herself she may feel differently about it if knows that it's got a link to you as well. She might want to pick something else.

mahrezzy · 18/01/2021 19:59

My son has a very similar name to mine. It’s a name that I’ve disliked for years - the sound, the spelling, the connotations. However when I discovered what his name was (before I’d matched with him I’d known him as Baby X) I laughed and realised it was a sign. Lots of people confuse our names (despite me being female) because they sound so similar. I quite like his name now. It was meant to be (I have changed all his middle names on my AO form... I want to give him a couple of choices if he grows up disliking his name or wants to change it himself).

Original poster
cherrypie111 · 18/01/2021 21:34

@Somuddled

Sorry if I have missed this in your posts but does the birth mother know your name? If the reason she wants to name the baby is to give her baby a link to herself she may feel differently about it if knows that it's got a link to you as well. She might want to pick something else.
No she doesn't, a bloody annoying coincidence. It's not even a common name either
OP posts:
Patchyman1 · 18/01/2021 22:48

I know somebody who had birth children and went on to adopt 2 children. One of the adopted children has the same name as one of the birth children, so she now has 2 children with the same name!

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