Would you adopt a child with the same name as you?

[cherrypie111]

This is most likely a silly question, but I'm honestly not sure if my judgement on this is reasonable.

We have been approached for an EP placement, our panel date is later this week and our SW plans for us to move ahead with the EP once approved. Baby girl is due in 3 weeks time (it's an elective C section so we know the date unless she decides to make an early entrance)

Prior to this we have been told the birth mother wanted nothing to do with the baby once born, and didn't even want to name her. Which we thought was a positive since we could then start thinking about names and had some time to think about it.

However this morning we had a call from our SW telling us that the birth mother has changed her mind and wants to name her, however she is planning to call her my name. It's not one there is an easy nickname for either.

I understand the issues around changing an adopted child's name and the identity concerns, but I just can't get my head around having a baby/child with the same name as myself. It's just a little weird to say the least and I don't think I'm going to be comfortable with it.

In this situation, if she does go ahead and name her my name is it going to be damaging to change the babies name once we get our AO? Would you just keep the name even though it's a bit of a weird set up?

@Patchyman1

We dismissed a profile at an early stage due to this. I'm sure some families can manage this, we couldn't have the new sibling arriving having stolen BC's name, as well as parents, life etc!

OP, you may be surprised re nickname, if this is a child you want to go with. You could change to using your middle name. Or you could be 'Jane-Mary' and 'Jane-Ruth'. There will be a way around it, if this is your child. However, with EP, there is of course the chance mum could work things out. I'm glad she feels able to name her, whether that name stays her 'main' name or not.

Since the child is coming to you so young, I would just have the name given by the birth mother the middle name and select another first name. I have learned through my research that my birth mother had two more daughters - one shares my exact first name, the other has it as a middle name. I have no idea if the agency ever told her what my name was, they said not. But transparent and Catholic Charities don't always go together...! My mum made a big deal about always wanting a daughter named [my name.] I have to admit when I learned about my half sisters I started to question the the whole tale...

I know a family where in three generations all the first born girls have the same name and all the first born boys. They all go by nicknames, because it is so confusing! So I don't think naming a child after yourself is unusual at all.

As others have suggested, you could give her a middle name and use that as her go by name. Or you use her birth name as her middle name and give her a new first name. Or you slightly change her first name (think Eliza instead of Elizabeth). Or you use a nickname, which is related or not related to her name. Many nicknames have little to do with the person's actual first name, so the world is your oyster in that one.

We changed one of our daughter's names for safety reasons and it has never been the slightest issue. However, she was old enough to have a say in it.

I have name changed for this as it’s really outing.

My adopted DS has the same name as I use. Example might be Antonia and always been known as Toni and DS called Tony.

When I first found out my instinct was to change his name but I was talked out of it by social services. They even went as far as to suggest that they wouldn’t allow the adoption to proceed if I was determined to change his name.

From the minute that he was placed it felt completely wrong for us to have the same name and it felt like I’d lost my name. Even though my name is the full version I’ve always thought of myself and my family have always called me the short version and now suddenly that’s not mine it’s DS.

Sounds really selfish but even my own mum and my DH don’t call me by my name anymore and it makes me really sad.

It makes it harder the DS is name isn’t a name that can be shortened and his middle name is my late fathers so we can’t really use that either, although I can think of that asa happy coincidence. I’ve switched to trying to use the full version of my name but it isn’t what I’ve been called for the last 40 years.

It’s not something that we would have chosen for ourselves and to me it feels narcissistic to name your child after yourself (apologies to anyone who’s done that but it’s just how I feel).

I really wish that I’d been stronger with social services about changing it now and I really regret not having done it.I also think it contributed to me developing post-adoption depression.

I’m not advising don’t do it, just be cautious if it doesn’t feel like something that’s natural to you.

The name would not bother me. I might be willing to change my own name, and I would be willing to change an adopted child's name and i wound be willing to hyphenate or use a diminutive so it would not be an issue for me.

My name has a nice nickname and I use it sometimes because LOADS of people have 'my' name.

Most names can be shortened or lengthened to a pet name that becomes a usual name.

For the record we did not change our son's name, we kept it and his middle name, and added a family name, plus our surname - and we sometimes use a nick name too.

A lot is made of names in adoption circles and I understand that fully, but I would say decide on whether the match is right for you.

I expect there will be lots of people who may want this baby so if she is not for you I am sure it will work out for her.

It does just need to feel right for you and your dh/dp.

There are pluses and minuses about name changes.

@Italiangreyhound Would you really consider changing your own name in these circumstances? You have always seemed very kindhearted and this isn't a criticism. But I do feel that is too extreme to ask of an adopter. I'd be absolutely horrified if my adoptive parents had to do something like that or if there is any question of it being raised - almost like whoever was vetting them felt there was no bar too high, no request too extravagant, no demand too unreasonable to ask of people desperately hoping to become parents.

I can see it's a real issue if the child has memories of being called that name. But in this case I hope if the OP does proceed she's doesn't make life too hard for herself and changes the name if she feels it's the right thing to do for their family. Middle name is perfect.

It’s not something that we would have chosen for ourselves and to me it feels narcissistic to name your child after yourself (apologies to anyone who’s done that but it’s just how I feel).

In some cultures it’s very traditional to name your child after yourself or a grandparent. In my family the first born son has always been named after the father - so we have 4 generations of the same name eg Thomas but one is known as Tom, Tommy etc so easy to distinguish. In our case my DS had a family name as his first name and also has a cousin with the same name - we changed his spelling to the more traditional spelling but otherwise it’s the same. My DD has a family middle name. For us it felt quite important that their names fit within the family but I wouldn’t have changed their names, if that makes sense. However that’s been a family choice. I think I’d have felt differently if my kids had the same name as me - I can understand feeling like you’ve lost your name.

I think folk are “funny” about names in general, rather than it necessarily being an adoption thing - you just need to look at all the baby name threads to see it really matters to some folk, less so for others. In adoption it carries different weight because the name is often the “thing” the child has from their birth parents and SWs can have some very odd ideas about changing names. Ultimately though whatever decision you make it has to be something you’re comfortable with - per @Needanewname2’s post. Adoptive parents go through massive changes post placement and anything that makes that process easier for them and the child is worth considering.

Patchyman1 "I know somebody who had birth children and went on to adopt 2 children. One of the adopted children has the same name as one of the birth children, so she now has 2 children with the same name!"

I would have found that very hard indeed. Worse than a child having the same name as me.

Needanewname2 "When I first found out my instinct was to change his name but I was talked out of it by social services. They even went as far as to suggest that they wouldn’t allow the adoption to proceed if I was determined to change his name."

I have heard the same things from others on here. I am so sorry you had this experience. I think discussing name changes with social workers isn't a good idea. They have very fixed ideas on this topic. Unless they bring it up themselves etc!

"In adoption it carries different weight because the name is often the “thing” the child has from their birth parents and SWs can have some very odd ideas about changing names."

Jelly, I know what you mean. I dislike the idea that the name is the 'only thing' (as was told to me) that the parents give, they give the genes, genetic history, many pre-birth and usually some post-birth experiences.

I totally agree with Jelly that "Ultimately though whatever decision you make it has to be something you’re comfortable with - per @Needanewname2’s post. Adoptive parents go through massive changes post placement and anything that makes that process easier for them and the child is worth considering."

You have to feel happy OP or at least able to work through the issue and come out the other end confortable.

OVienna "Italiangreyhound Would you really consider changing your own name in these circumstances?"

When we adopted our son we had come out of over six years of unsuccessful fertility treatment and very much wanted to give our existing child a brother or sister, so I was desperate to adopt. I didn't get faced with the decision the OP has so I will never know exactly what I would have done.

But my best idea is, yes, I would. I need to clarify I would not necessarily change it legally. But I would be very happy to tell everyone that I would be known as 'Nickname' from now on.

"You have always seemed very kindhearted and this isn't a criticism." That is very kind. I'm not taking it as a criticism.

"But I do feel that is too extreme to ask of an adopter. I'd be absolutely horrified if my adoptive parents had to do something like that or if there is any question of it being raised - almost like whoever was vetting them felt there was no bar too high, no request too extravagant, no demand too unreasonable to ask of people desperately hoping to become parents."

I'm not sure it is being asked of the possible adoptive parents, it's just what it is. This baby is available but now the name that the birth mum wants to give the baby is the same as the adopters name so it's kind of evolved.

I don't think having the same name as your child is that strange. My father in law has the same name as his father. And in my sister's family there are three generations of men with the same name.

But also I must explain that to me names are not quite as significant as they may be other people. And I realise that is a personal thing.

I have traveled a lot and I 'adopt' the local version of my name when I can. I've also lived in Asia where people sometimes have a Chinese and an English name. So I guess for me names are not so important.

I don't expect the OP to necessarily agree with me and I did say they needed to be happy with the match.

Maybe I should also add my own parents are dead so no one is going to feel offended or upset by a name change. My kids call me 'mum' and my husband calls me by a kind of pet name so my given name just isn't as significant as some may feel their name is.

"I can see it's a real issue if the child has memories of being called that name."

My son did, so we kept his name. But added a family name too.

"But in this case I hope if the OP does proceed she's doesn't make life too hard for herself and changes the name if she feels it's the right thing to do for their family."

I am very comfortable with changing adopted children's names. I know of non-adopted children who have chosen to name change too.

I won't say more as it is a very contentious issue.

Good luck OP

In adoption it carries different weight because the name is often the “thing” the child has from their birth parents and SWs can have some very odd ideas about changing names I think the issue for some adoptees, which may have been lost in translation with some SWs, is not it is the "thing" the child gets from the birth parent, it is because they have a name and it was changed without discussion with them (because they were too young). I think the takeaway should be, be sure that you have good enough reasons to change a name and that when the child is older they will be ok with it.

I thought @ifchocolatewerecelery's post is very interesting I was told on a course run by an expert in life story work that many children will revert to the name that their birth parents gave them when they reach adulthood

The "debate" is polarised (not "tired" as a pp has said!) but I think will become less so with more research and guidance. It is the judge who decides at AO stage I believe. Like italian I won't repeat all the arguments for and against here, as there are many threads people can look up.

OP, good luck, you have had some good advice here.

Honestly I know it's a bit frowned upon but I'd just give her your own name and use the birth name as a middle name if it means that much or even just give her your own middle name and call her by that. SW's can stipulate that you put a certain name on the certificate but they can't stop you calling her whatever you want. The only thing I'd say is decide early on as babies are able to respond to their names anything from 5MO. It's an important part of the child's identity but we overthink these things sometimes. I DEFINITELY wouldn't let it put you off going ahead though that's crazy! (No offence)

How could you consider this an issue in the grand scheme of things.
It wasn't long ago the eldest son took their father's both names.

See it as a sign. Your little mini me. Good luck.

I love my name but wouldn't mind changing it in this situation. I don't have major attachments to names. As PPs have said, names are treated differently in various cultures. Where I grew up my name had a local pronunciation and an English one. They were very different. Depending on the language being spoken my family would use both when talking to me. At school teachers didn't call you by your name at all, l but rather call you your mother's daughter or father's son. Then for two years at a particular job I had everyone call me by a totally made up on the spot name as there were three of us with the same name in the team and it was ridiculous. I understand that names are important to other people though so would never expect someone to change names to accommodate me.

Anyway, I still think it is really important that birth mother be made aware that the names is already a significant one in your family.

• I meant "is not that* it is the "thing" ..." above - missed out a word

I agree with @somuddled and in a way this thread illustrates how a name is deeply important to some (ie to an adopter upthread as well as, potentially, to adoptees) and not to others. I wouldn't be bothered about changing my name now, as an adult, but I respect that other people will feel differently, and the same goes for being aware that it might be a problem for adoptees when they are older that their name has been changed.

Re the mother with the same name as dc, when families blend you sometimes get step children with the same name, I wouldn't have thought there would be much mix up because context would normally be clear - and in most families I'd imagine that "darling" could mean dw or dh or dc or the family pet...

In adoption it carries different weight because the name is often the “thing” the child has from their birth parents and SWs can have some very odd ideas about changing names
I put “thing” in quotation marks because I don’t actually think a name is the “thing” a child gets from their birth parents - but that’s how it’s portrayed in some circles in arguing against changing a name. The child gets a lot of other stuff depending on how you understand genetics, personality development, hereditary characteristics etc.

I think the name changing without consultation, agreement or consent is a massive consideration especially for children for whom everything in their life has changed without their input or consent. Not to say it shouldn’t happen but the reasons should be very clear and discussed with the child where at all possible. Interestingly though I’ve not come across adoptees who have reverted to using their birth name, but I know a few who have used it as a family name, eg naming their child their birth name or using their birth surname as a middle name for their children.

It can be a polarising discussion but like most things there will be individual cases where changing the name in whatever fashion is important and others where retaining the birth name is equally important. The main thing is coming to a reasoned decision that feels right in the given circumstances.

Having read the thread through carefully, I think the one thing that is clear is that whatever name you decide on you have to be able to explain your thoughts/reasoning coherently to the child as they grow up. A decision that makes sense to you and would seem reasonable to the child are ultimately all that matters.

I put “thing” in quotation marks because I don’t actually think a name is the “thing” a child gets from their birth parents - but that’s how it’s portrayed in some circles in arguing against changing a name I understood, I was saying that I think this argument is a misunderstanding/something being lost in translation.

* You also need to think really carefully about any decisions you make regarding her name. I was told on a course run by an expert in life story work that many children will revert to the name that their birth parents gave them when they reach adulthood.*

I’d love to know what the evidence is for this statement (I mean that genuinely not sarcastically). I’ve never seen anything that suggests this.

Agree with Jelly I’d love to know what the evidence is for this statement (I mean that genuinely not sarcastically). I’ve never seen anything that suggests this."

You have reminded me of a family friend.
They adopted a little girl aged around 8. (Over 20 years ago now) her name was Kate. (Still is).
She became very close to her "new sister" Katie. Aged around 9.
They loved having such similar names.