I just feel like a really bad mum :(

[Misspollyhadadolly92]

I just need to write this down.
Every night I goto bed and feel I have let my son down. He is 6, been with us 5 years. We love him so much, he can have problems regulating his emotions, but with professional support this has improved. I know with Christmas things are more difficult, but I am so bloody patient and I feel like he is taking advantage of it. We are parenting therapeutically, but I've just had enough the last few days. He just ignores me constantly, I'm like white noise. So I've ended up shouting/raising my voice to be heard. I feel terrible for it. Just so bloody lost and feel like I'm sinking. We got a puppy a couple of weeks ago as he/we have wanted a dog for so long, its been a terrible decision as he is teasing the puppy and I just know it will end badly if he continues to aggravate it. I've shown him pictures of children with scars from dogs to try and get him to see.
Thanks for reading. Ffs :(

Oh, sweetie, you don't sound like a bad mum, you sound like a tired mum.

You need to keep child and dog separate unless closely supervised, you need a crate. The dog needs a safe space. He won't be able to link his teasing to the pictures, to him. He just won't.

Christmas, plus covid, plus a puppy, you have your work cut out. But each of these things are hiccups that will pass.

I know the feeling of being background noise so well. If you can, I find saying what I have to say, then saying "I've just said something important. I'll say it again, then I'm going to get on..." and then leave the room works for me. But that's because mine are little shadows, and can't bear to not find out where I'm going, and what I'm doing. (We also added a dog. I never pee alone.)

Have you read Sally Donovan's home holiday idea? That is perfect for this, as a lot of the acute stressors will pass. Buy easy cook food, lower standards, have a week or so chill time. Maybe book a one off cleaner? Lighten the load on you a bit.

And, I feel it's now obligatory for me to recommend a glass of wine and chocolate.

You are not a bad mum! You sound like a brilliant mum!

It's a really stressful time of year after one of the worst years ever so please do try to be kind to yourself. We all lose our patience and shout sometimes. The fact that you are beating yourself up so much shows you really care and love your son.

Also I suppose he's probably had his routines/activities disrupted too so it's nothing personal.

I'm afraid I don't have any real advice for kids or dogs but I just wanted to show support.

Are you able to get any time to yourself for a break?

Thanks for the replies. I've gone for a walk the last 2 days for an hour or 2 by myself which has helped. I keep thinking tomorrow we will have a better day and its gone to pot by 6.30am. I've had to 'punish' him by removing a couple of toys, after several warnings as he had smacked the puppy really hard several times over a few days. Puppy has a crate, and one of us is always there, but if he see's a chance he will take it. Eg playing very nicely then will just turn. It seems like a power balance. When my son tells me he hates me etc I don't react atall, so he ups his game to punching etc.
This is a blip, as it had been calm for quite a few weeks. Its just so hard wondering if I am doing the right thing and feeling at the end of each day its gone to ratshit again.
What do you all do to make yourselves feel human and good? Alcohol gives me a heavy head unfortunately! I think there is far more guilt being an adoptive mum, well for me there definitely is wondering if I have the skills and patience to get through it. Xx

You have the skills and patience. You can do this. Walks are an excellent plan.

He just can't be with the puppy. He will get bitten, and the puppy will develop tricky behaviours. It's hard, but they have to be completely separate. How old is the puppy? Do you have gates everywhere?

Do you think there's some jealousy with the puppy?

This will pass, hang on in there.

If he's punching, don't be afraid to get some support from post adoption support for managing child on parent violence. We did, and it was fantastic. You can't get support too early for aggression, I feel, I'm so pleased we did, rather than waiting for a "serious" incident.

Misspollyhadadolly92 you are not a bad mum.

Our son has been with us six and a half years and is 10.

We got a puppy during lockdown. I had wanted a dog for years and finally, with both dh and I working from home, it seemed do-able. The puppy has been with us almost half a year and was hard work at the start. So you totally have my sympathy.

We have a birth child, who is a troubled teen, and despite both kids wanting a dog, both have not been very interested in the dog!

My little boy has trouble regulating his emotions.

I'd definitely ask for more post adoption support.

"He just ignores me constantly, I'm like white noise."

We do have consequences for bad behaviour, like losing his device for a short time, or the TV or whatever.

Thanks for reading,I really appreciate it.
We are getting support from post adoption, unfortunately the social workers in my LA have not done any home visits since March so it has been on zoom, which isn't the same. We are now getting more support from January though adoption UK. I think so much stuff is around listening, empathy, natural consequences, so when none of that works and I've had to use removing things (which is a massive no no) then this is making me feel worse. So I'm reassured some of you do the same.

Removing things can be a natural consequence- "I think your ears are getting blocked by listening to the telly, so you're forgetting to listen to me. Show me how good your listening is to me, and then you may be ready for more telly."

Confiscating and punishments are a sign you are a normal person trying your best so not a bad mum, but they don't work. They make the child more angry. I am not sure what you mean by therapeutic parenting exactly, ie which manual you are looking at, but if you have a good look at the parenting site ahaparenting.com written by a clinical psychologist you will find a lot of strategies which will work, explanations about what is going on from your dc's point of view and more. Have a look at what they say about reasons for aggression and handling aggression. NB it will be the same techniques used when you get post adoption support so please don't be put off by the fact that it does not refer specifically to adopted children, hopefully one day it will - it really is worth having a good look.

Can I make a suggestion about the walk? Take dc with you. A 2 hour walk will do wonders for them, help them regulate, help them calm down, fill them with positive hormones. Take bribes in the form of sweets. I normally say this is a good time for talking 1:1 but it doesn't have to be, go somewhere which engages their attention or take your dh to paly with them, while you get some headspace.

The not listening is something suffered by all parents and it is really, really annoying. I think my dc hear me say something and think "mummy is talking so I don't need to listen". I say that and they burst out laughing so clearly it is true. If it is important I get them to look at me, listen and then repeat what I have said to them!

@percypetulant Removing things can be a natural consequence- "I think your ears are getting blocked by listening to the telly, so you're forgetting to listen to me. Show me how good your listening is to me, and then you may be ready for more telly." i know you are trying to be supportive, but what you are saying here is not right. IIt is not a natural consequence, it is a consequence imposed by you. A natural consequence is more like you saying to your dc "don't run, you will slip on the ice" and your dc running and then slipping on the ice. The most effective natural consequences in fact are those which don't have your input at all - eg the child goes out and runs and slips on ice. I remove books sometimes temporarily while my dc does something they need to do, and I'll turn off the tv if I think they've had enough, incidentally, but not as a punishment.

Sorry failed bold.

@percypetulant Removing things can be a natural consequence- "I think your ears are getting blocked by listening to the telly, so you're forgetting to listen to me. Show me how good your listening is to me, and then you may be ready for more telly." i know you are trying to be supportive, but what you are saying here is not right. It is not a natural consequence, it is a consequence imposed by you. A natural consequence is more like you saying to your dc "don't run, you will slip on the ice" and your dc running and then slipping on the ice. The most effective natural consequences in fact are those which don't have your input at all - eg the child goes out and runs and slips on ice. I remove books sometimes temporarily while my dc does something they need to do, and I'll turn off the tv if I think they've had enough, incidentally, but not as a punishment.

When my son tells me he hates me etc I don't react atall, so he ups his game to punching etc.

I can understand you not wanting to react, but nit reacting at all will make him think you didn’t hear him or dint care hence the escalation in behaviour. One thing I’ve found can help is to talk about hate, what does he mean, what does it feel like or how sad you are that he hates you because you live him very much. Anything that tells him you’ve heard him and that it had an impact.

In terms of him listening I really get the urge to shout (my 7 year old has developed selective hearing 🙄) but you know all that does is raise the volume and anxiety levels. One thing that has helped is me modelling listening to them, so I’ll stop what I’m doing, out down my phone or book or whatever, make as much eye contact as he can manage and listen to him. When I’m speaking to him I’ll ask him to put down whatever, depending on what he’s doing I might hold his hands, get down to his level and speak in very short sentences or give very short instructions. If he starts to get shouty I’ll purposely lower my voice, be very calm (not easy) and repeat what I’ve said.

It’s frustrating and you need to build in time for communicating even the most simple request but over time it’s got a bit easier. I also try to make time to just chat with both kids while watching tv, playing a game etc. Bed time can be a good time to reconnect if you feel things haven’t gone well. I’ll ask them how the day has been, and acknowledge that I’ve been a bit grumpy or shouty or whatever, and we’ll agree to start afresh tomorrow.

In terms of violence absolutely look for post adoption support, in the meantime it can be really useful to talk about it when things are calm in a “I wonder what happened there, how are you feeling now, how can I tell that you’re struggling” kind of way. He may not be able to tell you and that’s ok - it’s not about getting answers so much as letting him know you can talk about hard things.

Do take time for yourself, if your walk gives you much needed decompression time then take that time for yourself, if you have a partner agree to tag team each other so you both carry a bit of the burden.

Don’t beat yourself up though, it’s very hard and with each age, new challenges pop up.

Thinking about the idea of natural consequences or not, I tend to use if/then, eg if you tidy yourself room you can have some screen time or if you sit and eat lunch we can go to the park so the natural consequence of not eating lunch is not having time to go to the park, or not tidying their room is there’s no time for screen time. If/then or now/next can be a good tool for helping kids have some degree of choice or control but also teaches them about choice and consequences.

So in your situation, if you get dressed quickly we’ll have some time for tv, or to play with X toy. I have a whiteboard in the kitchen where I write up the plan for the day so they can see we need to do X by Y time which also cuts down a little bit in moving everyone through the day - visual timetables can be an absolute godsend because it reduces uncertainty and anxiety.

Another thing to consider are techniques used for Pathological Demand Avoidance, so instead of making direct requests you phrase them in wider discussion eg we’re going to the shops, what do we need to do first (put coat and shoes on).

The other thing I’d check is that there aren’t actually any physical issues eg get his hearing and sight checked so you’re sure he’s aware of the world around him. Hearing particularly is tricky, my DD has a degree of hearing impairment but has learned to mask it very well so sometimes it looks like she’s heard me but clearly hasn’t (which can look like she’s ignoring me) and sometimes listening is very tiring for her so she switches off.

sometimes listening is very tiring for her so she switches off

I agree with this.

I think there can be an unhelpful zeal for some using therapeutic parenting, that you have to do it perfectly. You don't have to be perfect, 100% of the time, to do good work. It's not perfect "natural" consequences or you're WRONG! It's about trying your best, which you are, and staying sane while you do it.

As a fellow parent of a 6 year old boy who came to us at 3, I feel your pain! I think we are all trying our best but are only human. Being a parent isn’t about being perfect, it’s about being the best you can be and you sound like you are doing a good job. We try to break the day up into chunks, exercise on our own as adults, then all together to wear little legs out. The iPad is on a timer which means I don’t tend to have to turn it off-it’s done for me. Keep posting and remember you are doing well. These are crazy times and sometimes 6 year old boys know exactly which buttons to press.

id keep the puppy seperate with stair gates & get a dog walker in they are lifesavers for getting the dog enough exercise, Id say more important than cleaner! or if hes so recent can you send him back to breeder before all becomes too much? Also have you read 'How to talk to kids so they listen...' its good and I reread it when I realise mine stop listening! (which always happens on school mornings!!every day!!). Also yes you TOTALLY dont sound bad mum at all you sound like you need a rest! All mums need a rest! Prioritise yourself just now, put the puppy behind a stair gate, put on cebbebbies and relax with a good book & bath or whatever is nice self care for you yourself! Have you seen cosmic yoga on you tube even? Kids love it and you can do it too! I always feel better making a plan? i know its hard when teirs keep changing! But whatever makes YOU feel good, make a way to do it just now. :)

I hate to say it, but unless you're really at breaking point, sending the puppy back to the breeder could be really difficult for LO, in that if puppies can be sent back to breeders, can children be sent back to care? The subsequent dysregulated behaviour would be much harder work than a puppy with mine!

Agreed sending puppies back is no fun, but could be much worse scenario if there is the chance after a few weeks to send puppy back as puppies are stressful for a long time and Children are completely different and having been home 5 years surely thats a consideration? And if there is actual harm and biting of child, and all of that and the puppy then becomes an unrehomable dog and you have to end up putting it down, so much worse surely?! id say consider the options and how manageable it all is for you right now, puppies are huge work and if you can manage separation and get a dog walker and put in place good exercise for all then can work but if really hard already and there is the option to return it might be worth it?

AND just thought, schools are back so soon now?! Just a few more days and you will get time to yourself again! And get time to walk & train the puppy and relaxing? Yes hang on in there just a few more days, see how you go once schools are back and things will be so different! Defo speak to post adoption support and defo make sure you get you time. And stair gates! And book a dog walker for the weekend! But put these tings on a list for first day back at school. Then put cebebbeies on, its lockdown the whole country has to. Most importantly dont feel bad about it :)

Depends on where you are, schools here aren’t back til the 18th - I’m trying nit to think about 3 more weeks of kids out of their routine...

You honestly sound like you are doing a great job. You are also being really reflective which is super positive too.

Jelly, hang on in there... Schools going back later is so hard.

the 18th! oh goodness yes ok fair dos! xxx

DD has never been aggressive, but when she was about 8 we were dog sitting a very sweet Jack Russell puppy for friends. I turned round on one walk and saw DD holding the puppy off the ground by the lead which was attached to the collar i.e. half strangling the dog. I explained that this hurt the puppy. The next day saw it again, so from that moment did not allow DD to hold the lead and watched like a hawk...

When we had a quiet time together we talked about it - it turned out that DD was triggered about the lack.of care she had as a baby, and jealousy that the puppy was so loved and looked after.

Hi everyone, thanks so much for the replies. We do lots of the things people have said we talk, explain, reflect chat when he did the Elsa course at school he was the most emotionally literate child. He has lots of bike rides and walks as I try to ensure his life is as balanced as it can be, we have been lucky enough to have snow aswell! I think because Christmas has never been a issue for him its really come as a shock that he has been so deregulated.
Hopefully he will be back at school next week, but I feel bad as I should not be wishing this time away and wanting him to be at school. Then we will have the impact of him regulating at school and let it go at home, he is a very well behaved pupil at school so they have problems 'seeing it' Ed psych was involved, but its to no avail as there are no issues in school. He will be my only child, and I really want to have better times with him. I guess they will come with time again.. I am trying to cherish all the small but very precious things.

Oh its so hard being a parent!!!

I think one of the helpful takeaways from the site I referred to (ahaparenting) is to do with being able to analyse things from both sides, you as parent as well as your dc, and in relation to being a parents, it isn't exactly what you asked but a lot of this might be relevant and helpful and also reassuring:

www.ahaparenting.com/blog/unconditional_love_parent_mistake

When you get help from post adoption support they will have full information and so can make tailored recommendations. The ahaparenting site is helpful as it has information about child development and research which is invaluable as background info when bringing up adoptees - ie I say that as an adoptee - it will make it easier to work with the professionals too.

Then we will have the impact of him regulating at school and let it go at home, he is a very well behaved pupil at school so they have problems 'seeing it' Ed psych was involved, but its to no avail as there are no issues in school.

Have you come across the website Not Fine at School, they’re a parent led resource who really understand the issue of children keeping it together at school but decomposing at home. I’ve found them useful with my DD who tends to mask a lot at school. Also have a look at the Enquire website, they’re the Scottish charity for ASN kids and have some good information about transition to and from school when kids might be quite dysregulated.

Hopefully as we come out of Christmas holidays things will become easier, but it’s ok to be looking forward to him being back at school and you having some much needed headspace.