Photos and letterbox

[BarcelonaFreddie]

Hi,
What are everybody's view on the sharing of photographs?
Birth mother begs me every letterbox to share a photo.
I actually feel like I want to. I have my child 24/7, is it really such a big deal to giver her a few photographs to maybe try and alleviate her pain a tiny bit?
She could use them to trace him - this will probably happen via social media at some point anywhere. What's she going to do?
Drag him off to live with her?
Everybody I've asked has said it's a bad idea and I shouldn't share.
He will romanticize his birth mother - that's my job to mitigate?
What are people's thoughts? Am I being hopelessly naive and stupid?

If it was me, I would take a lovely autumnal photo of the child walking in front of me in a woodland setting, No face image. The child wrapped up, wearing a hat! It ticks the box, without giving too much away.

If you do not trust her not to misuse a photo (ie post it on social media), don't share one. Once a photo is out there it is impossible to monitor. Just look at all the forced adoption sites! If you think she will be trying to locate you, it's a no really.

I disagree with the comment about sending an arty photo of the back of the child I'm afraid. Either you trust this BM and share a proper photo, or you own the fact that you don't want to share photos and don't send any. Sending a photo of the back of a child's head or a blurry distance shot is just rude IMO - it basically reinforces to the BM that you dont want her to have a photo and it's kinder to just leave it be.

You could send some artwork that your LO has done or do hand prints to go with the letter which would make it more meaningful.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

it really such a big deal to giver her a few photographs to maybe try and alleviate her pain a tiny bit?

With respect, it’s not your job to alleviate her pain a bit. It’s your job to provide letterbox contact per your agreement. There are lots of good reasons not to provide photographs if that wasn’t part of the arrangement. She may use the photo to trace your DC, she may put it on social media, she may share it on a forced adoption sight, you’ve no idea what she might do with it.

At very least I’d speak to your social worker about it beforehand - they can check to see how she’s doing and whether a photo might help her or cause her more pain.

You can have her social worker share photos in the office but not able to take them away - so she will be able to see them but not share on social media etc

It depends on the risks, really.

We supply "view only" photographs, as in the agreement. However, BPs are social media active/savvy, and cameras these days are teeny tiny, so there's no such thing as "view only" should BPs choose to take a photo of the photo.

You have to ask what's the best for the child? Not for BP. What benefits the child?

So I send photos from the back. To show that DC are growing, and happy, to try and keep to the agreement. I think BPs do find this rude, that I don't trust them (or the local authority.) I've never met them, and they let their children down. I don't care about being rude. It's all about what benefits the children, and the slightest chance of reverse image search and contact before they're ready doesn't benefit them.

What's in your child's best interests?

I would take all direction from your Social Worker. Particularly if contact is Letterbox only. 🌺

After many pleas I caved and sent a photo to BM's SW. I'm not sure if the SW just showed it or actually passed it on but it was very non-identifying. DS was bundled up as Mojocafa suggests and his face was not clear at all. I had similar feelings to you in that it seemed like a kind thing to do to help BM.

Maybe consider ... Birth Mother sending photos to you via SW for the child, perhaps that is a better option, for in years to come and the inevitable questions arise. This is after all about the Child. 🌺

Bluethistles this was one of my issues. BP send nothing, and yet I get feedback they're upset we don't send enough, or the right sort, of photos, art etc.

It makes me want to make it clear to them that it's not about them. It's all about my children.

then I would stop sending anything. Just until clear boundaries are properly established. You control the narrative. 🌺

Thanks all. I don't think photos are allowed in our letterbox agreement anyway. Think I'll ask for the letters to be properly vetted so that I don't have to face her repeated pleas for photographs.
Tugs on my heartstrings massively.
I'll get the little one to do some artwork and send that instead.

That's fair.

These days, with SM and the internet, unless you have a good relationship with BPs with a lot of trust, and it's low risk, I think photos are a bad idea, generally. It's not like the 1970s where it's nice to have a 'snap' that goes in a draw. Once images are out there, they're searchable forever, and tech/face recognition is only getting better.

I think it's fine to ask that BM is asked not to repeatedly ask for photos. Art is nice.

It's all about the children. The adults made their choices, and are adult.

You can have her social worker share photos in the office but not able to take them away - so she will be able to see them but not share on social media etc this, if the SW can set it up safely

Maybe consider ... Birth Mother sending photos to you via SW this in addition, a two way thing most definitely a good thing for your dc

I don't think photos are allowed in our letterbox agreement anyway check this, may not be allowed to be posted in a letter but would be allowed to be viewed in person

I agree it isn't your job to help the Bio family on any level, and it is inappropriate to try in fact, but providing info and photos which aids a relationship is at the end of the day of benefit to your dc as when and if they want more info it will be there or able to be procured more easily

We send good quality photos twice per year from a non-identifiable or non-local location. We get occasional photos in return.
Birth Mum is not a risk, but does live locally-ish.

The downside to providing photos is we have never let our DC appear in local papers (eg school nativity pictures).

The 'upside' is she can 'see' them growing up, and so hopefully can imagine them better. this we hope keeps a better connection for when she writes and will help with contact when they want to resume it.

We have done contact 'in good faith' for over 12 years, and we hope it will pay dividends as our children become independent adults.

I thought I could keep DC out of papers, off the internet etc. It quickly became apparent that that is an impossible task. People are obsessed with photographs, and putting them online, with exactly where they are, date, all their details. It just takes one of these slips.

I think it depends entirely on your relationship with BP, with it probably being easier if you've met them.

Once photos are shared, you can't unshare them. Anyone can screenshot a zoom ballet class, and share it, people are photographing all the time, social media is some people's lives.

If you have enough information to risk assess, you can, and act in the interests of your DC. But don't be guilted in to doing something that isn't in their interests.

It is certainly true we adopted before SM was quite such a thing, before everyone had cameras and internet access on phones etc. We might well have been more circumspect adopting now.

How can you not know what is I need your contact agreement and why? Have you asked the letter box coordinator to check what is agreed? It is a legal requirement that there is a signed contract re contact on file.
Contact agreements are supposed to be reviewed regularly and at least annually, anyway.
Try to get some more info on her; is she stable? She may purely want the photo just to reassure herself he looks happy.
My understanding with photo sharing is that SS generally print them and send them by post- that way any gps data cannot be found.

I could dig out our five year old contract and check properly.
It's not been at the forefront of my mind for a long time.
I don't think photos are allowed, but the very recent letter, with several pleas in it for photos, got me thinking.
My apologies for asking Mumsnet without checking chapter and verse first.

Be cautious OP 🌺

Contact agreements are supposed to be reviewed regularly and at least annually, anyway.

We have never had a review of our contact arrangements in 12 years.

I love it when people think the LA have any interest at all in setting up, assisting, updating or monitoring letterbox agreements in the medium to long term.

Obviously a better LA than our totally useless one. Legally required or no, that makes no difference to the incompetent, failing LA.

My understanding with photo sharing is that SS generally print them and send them by post- that way any gps data cannot be found but photos can be taken of the print out and then posted on SM. This is not just an adoption issue by the way. My dc are not adopted and it drives me insane when people post photos of my dc on their SM.

@sassygromit, yes, potentially they could do that re SM, but I was just mentioning the usual approach by LAs.
@percypetulant: I’m with you. LAs offer LBC because it’s the statutory minimum. It’s a shoddy service at best.
@UnderTheNameOfSanders... they won’t offer it, you would have to ask.

My CS are very creative, when asked to produce evidence of an agreement they fabricated one.. unsigned by anyone. They have refused to complete a review..

I can’t help but feel it’s a little heartless not to send a picture. The mother must be in turmoil. She has give you a gift surely a photo wouldn’t hurt especially to alleviate some of the pain she must be going through.

@Greeneyes78 you don't know the circumstances around the adoption. The child may not have been a 'gift'. In all likelihood the child was removed from the BM due to their poor choices.