This is sick

[DoubleYu]

Name changed as this is outing with previous posts. I think this is sick but I’m sure someone will come along with a cooler mind.

Young woman gives birth to a daughter D3. Young woman came with some issues and has had two children removed by SS.

D1 was adopted in the family.
D2 was adopted by strangers.
D3 is with her with no SS involvement.

Woman has given D3 the same as D2!!!

I assume you mean given them the same name

Why do you think its 'sick',

Just because she has had children removed doesn't mean she didn't love those children in her own way. Having children removed must be very, very traumatic. It might even drive a woman a bit mad - and naming a child the same sounds to me like an aspect of that kind of deep distress, like thinking she could heal through a superficial act like that. IYSWIM.

When child mortality rates were significantly higher, parents often 'reused' the names of their dead children for subsequent children.

Choosing a name for your child(ren) is a very personal thing. My siblings and I have all been named after members of our extended family, both living and dead. OH on the other hand was apparently named after someone MIL liked on TV while she was pregnant with him.

It's a very easy thing to judge but BM will have had reasons for her decision that made sense to her.

@Ted27 yes D2 and D3 have the same name.

How can anyone think it’s a good idea to name 2 children by the same name though?!

There is also the odd comments like how proud she is to be a mummy, how D3 is her world. It's as if D1 and D2 never existed.

What a horrible judgmental post about a women who has turned her life around, and is now able to care for her third child.

I don't think it's 'sick'. I think it's quite sad.

@AldiAisleofCrap the only reason she’s been allowed to keep D3 with no SS involvement is because of the father, different man to D1 & D2. He’s a sensible man with a good job.

@formerbabe OK maybe it’s sad.

Think of the impact on the Ds when the learn this.

Mind your own business? You sound awful

@DoubleYu

maybe its her way of dealing with her loss. Why shouldn't she be proud of her baby?

My son's birth mum also lost 2 children wheh she was very young, she now has a very young child. I'm sure that having lost two this child is her world. I'm pleased for her that she has been able to turn her life around enough to keep this one.
If with support and time these young birth mums can improve their lives, what are they supposed to do for the next 50 years - serve some kind of penance.
If she was posting all over social media about the two children she has lost I expect you would be complaining about that.

There is also the odd comments like how proud she is to be a mummy, how D3 is her world. It's as if D1 and D2 never existed.

What do you expect her to say? D3 is my world, except for my previous children? Or do you think she’s incapable of loving this child because two were removed from her? Or that the fact they were removed means she didn’t live them. What exactly do you think is “sick” about the situation?

It might be unusual, but there’s a million reasons why she may be able to parent this child successfully especially if her own life is in a more stable place now.

All three children will be impacted if/when they learn about each other - her choice of name is going to be the least of it tbh. Instead of worrying about what this woman is doing with her life, ask yourself why it bothers you.

For that lady, in her own mind, she may have had to think of those children as dead or lost. It’s likely she’ll never see them again ever.

The name may be personal, a family name.

if adopted as a baby, the baby may have had its first name changed anyway and you don’t know this so this third child may not actually be sharing a name with it’s adopted sibling.

FWIW my child has a grand parents, great grand parents etc name and my DB was named after his fathers dead brother. The father also has the dead brothers name

And iirc George foreman’s sons are all called George 🤷🏻‍♀️

Not posting about DC1 & 2 is a positive thing! It doesn’t mean she is pretending they never existed it means that she is putting her children’s needs first rather than posting in forced adoption groups etc. Potentially destabilising their adoption.

The reality is that she is caring for DC3 every day and parenting her. She will always be the other children’s mother but will not even see them until they are 18 if even then.

My DS’s birth mum has been able to keep another child. I am so pleased for her, she thoroughly deserves some joy in life. She hasn’t chosen the same name but even if she had it would never erase our DS from her mind.

I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child and hope if you know this person well you will never voice your disgust

I think it is sick that you are being so judgemental of this woman. Unless you have been through it, you cannot comprehend the trauma of being separated from your children so you can't know her reasons for her decision.
Yes, it might be a tricky thing to navigate if the second child ever gets back in contact with her once they are an adult but that will be something their adoptive parents will likely have addressed with them as part of wider discussions they would have about the pain of 'why did mum manage to look after a different child to me'. I really pray that you aren't the parent of the second child.

You think it is 'sick'?

You really are not very worldly wise are you? There is a lot of stuff going on that can be described as 'sick' and odd as this may be, it's not one of them.

What's your problem?

I can see both sides tbh. My mother was put into a children's home by her parents, her biological mother then went on to have two more children, one of whom she named the same name as Mum's sister. Sister found out and was devastated.

I don't think it's sick as such, but I think it's a indication of severe issues. Which, to be fair, so is giving up your children or having them taken away from you. No judgement from me, just sadness for all parties involved.

I am devastated for D2. It was not the woman’s choice to have D2 adopted but she made life choices which were incompatible with keeping D2. At one point, D2 will understand that this woman chose other things over her.

This is bad enough having to deal with this.

To then go on to have D3 and use the same name... it just shows how replaceable D2 is. Even her name was not unique for her. What will this do to her sense of worth?

I should add that the name is not a treasured name or a family name. It is a trendy new name, think something like Rihanna. There is no reason to use the same name!!!

Or it could be framed as a tribute to D2. My son has a similar name to his older brother and his middle name is the same as his. His BM told me she gave it to him as a tribute and as a link to his family.

You’re very upset about this aren’t you.

I am upset for D2 AND D3. I am sad for BM. I am angry with SS.

I’m sure I will get over it.

Will D2 and D3 ever get over it?

Who are you in this situation op to be so invested?

Will D2 and D3 ever get over it?

Probably not if your response is anything to go by. I really hope you don't share your opinion.

@EdwardCullensBiteOnTheSide this situation is unique and I don’t want to out myself on this thread.

I’m invested because of one D.

Why are you so invested in this, is this woman the birth mum of your child or related to you in some way?

In any event, I’m not sure what there is to “get over”, and what the hell is it to do with SS - I’m assuming they’ve assessed the birth mum to be able to care for this new little one. At the end of the day, adoption is a complex beast, we never know the full story of what happens in birth families both at time of placement and thereafter, you can’t possibly know this woman’s motivations and, if you are involved with either child you really need to find a way to calm down about it - you sound way too involved for this to do anyone any good least of all you.