Grandchild will be placed soon.

[CrumpetsandGiggles]

Hi, I'm not sure where to start with this, it may be long and a bit all over the place but thats pretty much where I am at the moment. I'm posting here because I'm hoping that you all understand.
My beautiful GC is going to be placed with new parents very soon. We fought for over a year to have DGC in our care. It's very complicated and outing as to why it was decided by all professionals that it wouldn't be in DGC best interests to be placed with us, and although I'm totally broken hearted by it I do kind of understand. The issues that were there could have been worked on with support.

We have built up a bond with DGC for over a year. Twice a month contact for me and DH and once a month for my 2 DC we never missed a contact and all our contacts were deemed excellent even when covid hit we had to have weekly skype contact and these were deemed child focused and appropriate with plenty of emotional warmth.

My 2 DC adore DGC. I'm totally and utterly broken hearted that we are losing DGC. Although the guardian and the judge strongly recommended that we have some direct contact with him, just myself and my DH not his birth parents they are to have letterbox only. It's not in the order so his parents could change their minds at any time. We have made it clear that it has to be in DGC interests we will back out and go to letterbox if its proving to be not in DGC Interests DGC prospective parents have agreed to yearly direct contact at the moment. Do many of you have direct contact with grandparents of your child? We are due to met DCG's parents soon and have no idea what to ask them or tell them what kind of information would you have liked from your DC's grandparents? we are paternal grandparents if that helps

Every single choice and decision we made was centred around DGC to the point we didn't go for a live contested hearing as it would further delay things for DCG.

I'm sure that DGC will go on to have a wonderful life with his parents but it dosent stop it hurting for me and its selfish I know. DGC is a wonderful, beautiful child, and hopefully I'll be able to see DGC once a year but I'm going to miss DCG Like crazy.

If anyone has direct contact with your DC''s grandparent/s who are they to the DC are they called by their name or Nanny name etc. I want to respect DGC's parents family. I'm just so lost with it all. Sorry.

I'm not yet an approved adopter but I didn't want you to go without a reply. As more people wake up, I'm sure you will get some useful responses. Your care for the child and your respect of the process and new parents comes through clearly in your post. As does your sadness over the whole thing.

From my research, adoptive parent meetings with birth families tend to be short and focused on finding out anecdotes about the children that might be shared with them later. So examples might be any meaning behind their names, any family interests or talents that might develop in that child. For example, my friend adopted a boy and at the meeting with a aunty who had cared for him she learnt that much of the family were decent dancers. It was something she wouldn't behave know to nurture otherwise.

I believe some people also ask for a photograph at the meeting.

Before the meeting you may be asked to prepare some questions yourself by the social workers (they usually determine if appropriate or not) & same for the adoptive parents. My children’s family backed out last minute so we weren’t able to meet them but we wanted to know more about them, what was the child like as baby, what were the parents like growing up, what did you all enjoy doing together, any significance of their name (is it a family name?). You can always ask questions to about their life etc. Xx

I too am not an adopter yet hoping to get there soon!

I would actually see direct grandparent contact as a massive positive. I won't be able to offer grandparents from my side of the family as one has passed away and the other is non contact and wouldn't be suitable for that sort of relationship anyway. So maintaining that link would be really important.

I'm sure as long as any risks are mitigated at the outset about pictures, information sharing, social media etc and those rules are all agreed and adhered to that many adoptive families would support it while in Dgc's best interests.

Thank you. I totally respect that DGC adoptive parents will be DCG parents and their families will be DCG aunts, uncles nanny, grandad etc. I'm just so sad for me my DH and my 2 DC who live with me they are 1 young teen and 1 pre teen DGC birth father is my son but he lives with DGC birth mother. At the same time I'm happy and excited for DGC that they will have permancy and a family who will love and care for them.

DCG has been in the same foster placement since birth and we get on well with his foster carer when we have seen her at contacts and via Skype. DGC is now a toddler rather than a young baby.

I've only ever wanted what is best for them. They deserve the world and more.

I dont want to disrupt and have never tried to disrupt their placement this to me isnt their placement this will be their family. So whatever we do will always be with that in mind and for us not to comply with DCG parents wishes would be wrong and not fair on them or DCG even if that means we are only able to participate in letterbox contact.

I'll write down some questions etc and maybe what I think their parents would like to know. I'm writing a letter to go into their file for when they are older and have some photos to send for their life story book, but I dont want to overwhelm DCG his parents or anyone really. It's so difficult because it's not about me and in lots of respects I'm being selfish and that's not fair to anyone.

@CrumpetsandGiggles

Such a terribly sad situation. You aren't being at at all selfish, this is your grandchild and its painful. Like many adopters I would be more than happy to support your on going relationship with your grandchild - you will never stop being their grandparents. There are no limits to how many loving, caring people a child can have in their lives.

Its tricky because they need time to become a family, but you don't want to leave it so long that your relationship is damaged. You could ask them if you could send cards and a small present for birthday/Christmas/Easter.

I think what the adoptive parents will want to see is commitment from you. We are supposed to have direct contact with my son's birth family and they have let him down badly. If its going to work you have to be consistent - but I'm sure you will. The letter and photos are a great idea.

If they are happy for birthday presents, be a bit careful. My son's dad has turned up with a bike, scooter and once an xbox, all of which he already had or not exactly convenient to get home!

The meeting will be tough on everyone, its ok to cry. Be kind to yourself and remember that none of this is your fault.

Thank you @Ted27

The reason that both the guardian and the judge strongly recommended direct contact for us and not the BP is due to our very clear and consistent commitment to DGC. We never missed a contact never asked to move a contact, even attending contact the day after a very very close family member died. It was noted at this contact that unless I hadn't said anything then they would never have known about it because we were no different with DGC. Only reason I did was because it was christmas and the foster carer gave me a christmas present of framed photos of DGC and it made me cry, and I kinda blurted it out. I wasnt intending on telling them then. Also due to the very clear bond we all have with them and them with us. During Skype calls they would point and call me nanny. We had a round trip of 6-8 hours depending on traffic for a 90 minute contact twice a month.

A card for christmas sounds like a good idea I'll ask them when we met as that would be the next opportunity to send anything as they have had a birthday very recently. But I will go with what the parents say and agree to. We didn't get them much for their birthday just a few age appropriate toys it was 3 toys and discussed with his foster carer 1st. Think duplo bricks and a book kind of thing nothing big flashy or expensive. I did however make them a toy based on a nickname I have always called them (I Crochet) again nothing big or flashy just very personal, and had been making it for them before the final hearing and the placement order was made.

@CrumpetsandGiggles

Are you having a contact meeting before they are placed? The toy sounds lovely, and I'm sure will be treasured.
I would mention the nickname and significance of the toy to the parents when you meet them. I have something similar which I have kep for my son even though he's outgrown it, but only discovered its significance by accident.
A really nice thing would be to make them a blanket to take with them.

@CrumpetsandGiggles you sound like absolutely wonderful grandparents and as an approved adopter I sincerely hope that when we have a child placed they have birth family who are as committed as you are. All the training we receive really emphasises the importance of indirect and direct contact with birth family and so I hope that whoever adopts your DGC is open minded enough to continue this contact.

This is heartbreaking, I am so sorry. All
I can say is, as an adopter, I would be 100% happy with direct contact with family members if that was always appropriate for the child. We don't have direct contact with grandparents but we do with sibs and our attitude has always been that we will take the lead from the kids. So they call each other what they want- no labels. My big boy talks about his sisters, but he took up that label himself. We didn't impose the word on him if that makes sense. My big boy really benefits from the contact. It is a magic bond and any adopter worth their salt should never see relationships with birth family as a threat as long as they are appropriate and positive for the child.

Thank you all again it's making the process much easier for me hearing your thoughts. I really really appreciate you taking the time to reply.

They do already have a couple of blankets I made for them foster carer asked if i wanted them back and I have said no they were made for them so should stay with them.

We have already had our wish you well contact last week, where we did an activity of painting and foot and hand prints. We provided everything for this. We have their prints on canvas and a painting that they did with my 2 DC each on canvas. They are ready to be put on the wall when I decide where to put them. They have a hand print from each of us and theirs in the same picture. We decided to do this on paper rather than canvas so their parents could decide if they wanted to frame them or pop them in their memory box.

Their social worker is sending me next week some photos and other bits from his foster carer. She has already met his parents before our wish you well contact was even arranged. It was so difficult because we hadn't actually seen them face to face since February, and we were saying hi and bye, good luck etc all at once.

I think when we met their parents we need to make sure that they know that we see them as their parents and that if they feel direct contact isnt working or in DGC best interests then we will step back we only ever want what is best for them and are happy to be guided by them it isnt about us at all it's about DGC.

We have direct contact with birth grandparents. The original plan was that other family members could send letters with birth parents' annual letterbox but not independently, which would've meant no contact if BP didn't write. I asked for a separate contract with bgp, and we now have direct contact. We call them grandma & grandad (name).

The best advice from my position is to be as unthreatening as you can. Look at everything from your dgc's point of view, and do your best to make sure the new family know that you accept they'll be dgc's parents & you support them. From everything you've said it sounds like you've been doing that the whole way through, and if the FC feels the same, that'll help set their minds at rest & hopefully have some influence too.

Contact with wider bf was covered in my training; beforehand I knew I wanted to maintain if at all possible but after hearing a bgp speak about his loss, I actively pushed for the contact we have, and will continue as long as it's in my child's best interests (it'd take a significant change for that not to be the case). I hope your dgc's new parents feel the same.

@CrumpetsandGiggles you are amazing grandparents to have managed that last contact so well. You must have been so emotional, seeing them for the first time in a long time. I'm sure their parents will be grateful to you for giving the kids that memory, both now and in the years to come.

Thank you once again.

I've received the parcel from DCG and their foster carer and she put a really lovely letter in it from her thanking us for all our support to her since DGC has been in her care. (9 days old). We asked that she was present during our wish you well contact in case DCG became upset and they did, not due to what was happening they have some separation anxiety which is to be expected when they have been solely with the foster carer for 6 months and although DGC is a toddler they are under 2 years old. When they got upset I handed them to her and commented that it was a lovely cuddle etc Skype calls were always friendly. She actually Skyped us more than aocial services agreed because she wanted to surprise us etc. I have no animosity towards her at all she has done a fantastic amazing job with them. I'm writing her a letter as well to say thank you and how much her care to DCG has ment to us etc.

Now it's a wait and see time if DGC's parents want to met us etc I really hope they do I know it's going to be difficult and emotional but as I've said all along we only ever want what's best for DGC

Thinking of you and sending you remote support. It is a heartbreaking situation.

My heart goes out to you, Crumpets.
We are in a similar situation.
I am both an adopter and about to lose my first grandchild to adoption.
She is my adopted dd’s daughter and has been in care from one day old - she is now 16 months old.
We haven’t seen her since March and have already asked the foster carer so stay for at least the first part of the goodbye contact as DGD will have forgotten us.
It’s going to be so painful and I have no idea how I’m going to support Dd (who has anger issues and might kick off), her sister who has her own issues, and cope with my own grief.

@Papergirl1968 I'm so sorry that you are in a similar position. I totally understand. It's just so difficult for everyone. Our DCG is a very similar age. They did however kind of know us as we had been having weekly Skype contacts with them, but the support of their foster carer was invaluable to us. She only got involved when I asked her to. We were able to hold it together til the end of the contact when we were saying goodbye etc is when we all completely broke down I had to leave
after giving them a kiss and a cuddle because I didn't want them to see me crying. We hadn't had any face to face contact with them since February. We also took lots of photos of us all all mainly candid shots of the painting my 2 DC's playing with them etc, we are printing some of them to be sent for their life story book so as they grow and see the book they know that we were around and what we looked like etc. Its just so sad as their grandparents from the other side of their family didn't attend their final contact they found it too painful.

For your goodbye contact (try not to think of it as goodbye its wish you well) maybe take some paints to do hand prints with your DGD it really helped us and we have something to treasure and keep. It also helped to keep DCG engaged with us as the contact center had no toys etc due to covid. After our contact one of my DC's said we should have worn white t-shirts as well so any marks DCG made when they were climbing over us with paint on their hands we could have kept.

The grief is awful in all honesty it's a living breavement and I can say this with 100% certainty. I unfortunately lost a baby girl to SIDS many years ago her death although painful and raw etc was final. I know I'll never see her again this grief with DCG is so different. They are still out there. The only way for me personally to cope with it is to keep telling myself it's the best thing for DGC and they will go on to have a wonderful forfilling life with parents and family that love them just as much as we do.

I just so wish that there were some resources out there for grandparents and other family member I.e aunts uncles etc. There isnt much for birth families at all but all the ones I have come across are for birth parents. My 2 DC's school are arranging some support for them. 1 DC has ben having weekly phone calls from the school councillor the other is starting in september.

I really hope your wish you well contact goes well for you all, and you can come away from it with some lovely beautiful memories, that maybe one day in the future you can share with your DGD

Thank you, Crumpets. That’s a really good idea about making hand prints.
They usually take photos with the foster centre camera. I will have to ask if we can use our own phones and cameras that day.
It was awful, just awful, when she was taken away from hospital, but at least then we didn’t know if was just going to be for a few days or weeks - there was talk of a mother and baby unit that didn’t actually happen. So many tears and Dd1 was keening, to use an old fashioned word. But also so brave, strapping her baby into the car seat and kissing her goodbye.
I wonder how we can go through such pain again and survive it to make a life that doesn’t include our darling girl. We will survive, as others have done, but there will always be someone missing.
I’m sorry you lost not only your grandchild but your baby girl. Life can be very cruel sometimes.

I am a now grown up adopted person and I have no contact with my birth family. I just wanted to say that if I did I wish they would be as kind and considerate as you @CrumpetsandGiggles

I wish you well, your DGC is so lucky to have you and I hope you continue to be in their lives x

Thank you @DressesWithPocketsRockMyWorldresses that really means a lot to hear. I miss DCG with every fiber in me.

We at the moment have no idea what's happening as havent heard from DGC social worker at all. I am going to email her next week to find out what's happening, her meeting with their prospective parents was in July but totally understand with COVID etc that things may be massively delayed. I just hope that their adoption placement is going ahead in the background as they deserve permanency and their family now. To be loved and getting to know their family.

I'm so scared and worried that their parents and family would see us as a threat and it would damage them more to have us in their lives even in a very limited way. I and its selfish but I dont want them growing up thinking that we are the same as their birth parents and that we dont care or love them, not that their birth parents dont oh goodness it's so hard to explain. Their welfare and happiness is the most important thing in all of this.

Hi Crumpetsandgiggles

Sorry I am late to the party. I wish our DCs birth mother's mother was as caring and considerate to his feelings and us as you are. She asked for direct contact but we have had to say no as this is not in our child's best interest. She very much sees us as his current placement and not as his family and as such it would be undermining of us as his family. It is clear from letters and contacts that she believes he will come knocking when he is 18 and begin his life with her. This is far too complicated to go into. But as our child's parents we would have considered this positively had she been more like you.

Take care and look after yourself and your family.

I’m sorry to hear this. As a grandparent whose GC were adopted I understand. However, I would strongly advise you to get a lawyer and apply for a contact order.

I haven’t read this whole thread so I apologise in advance if I’m repeating information.

I will say it is heartening to hear adopters and prospective adopters recognising the positive impact continuing direct contact can bring.

However, birth families, despite what should happen, once a child is placed in an adoptive placement social services will disengage with you.
During the placement but before the final adoption hearing ( legal minimum 10 weeks) there is no reason for contact to have to stop, but getting a contact order at this point is impossible.

By law you are entitled to ask to be made a party to final adoption proceedings and to apply for a section 51 order. SS will not inform you of this right. Be aware though that courts will not issue a contact order if the adopters do not agree.

I would strongly suggest that you put everything in writing to social services if you have a good relationship with the foster carers then ask them to write you a supporting letter.

Good luck.

CrumpetsandGiggles bless you. So very hard. You sound like wonderful people. .

Just a little update, DCG can I still call them that? I dont think I can so will refer to them as LO. Has been placed with their family. I'm so happy for them that they now have their family and hopefully will be settling well.

Personally I'm absolutely broken hearted but they now have what they need and deserve and that's all that matters.

Unfortunately we havent met their parents before placement. The sw "forgot" that the judge had strongly recommended that this happened and she refuses to answer any of my questions as to what happens next even regarding letterbox contact. I have been in touch with their court appointed guardian and she has told me that she would chase things up for me she actually brought it all upand if I haven't heard anything from her in the next couple of weeks then to email her and she'll let me know. It was her recomendation that we had some direct contact with LO. She sounded very cross on the phone that her recommendations havent been adhered to, however it is what is best for LO that matters not our feelings on anything. The reason for the contact with the guardian is that LO now has a younger full sibling who it looks like will also be placed for adoption fingers and toes crossed that this DGC will be placed with LO I believe that LO's parents have agreed to have them as well. I hope that they are together, they have that right to know one another we dont have the right to know them.

The SW “forgot” ??? How convenient !!!