Grandchild will be placed soon.

[CrumpetsandGiggles]

Hi, I'm not sure where to start with this, it may be long and a bit all over the place but thats pretty much where I am at the moment. I'm posting here because I'm hoping that you all understand.
My beautiful GC is going to be placed with new parents very soon. We fought for over a year to have DGC in our care. It's very complicated and outing as to why it was decided by all professionals that it wouldn't be in DGC best interests to be placed with us, and although I'm totally broken hearted by it I do kind of understand. The issues that were there could have been worked on with support.

We have built up a bond with DGC for over a year. Twice a month contact for me and DH and once a month for my 2 DC we never missed a contact and all our contacts were deemed excellent even when covid hit we had to have weekly skype contact and these were deemed child focused and appropriate with plenty of emotional warmth.

My 2 DC adore DGC. I'm totally and utterly broken hearted that we are losing DGC. Although the guardian and the judge strongly recommended that we have some direct contact with him, just myself and my DH not his birth parents they are to have letterbox only. It's not in the order so his parents could change their minds at any time. We have made it clear that it has to be in DGC interests we will back out and go to letterbox if its proving to be not in DGC Interests DGC prospective parents have agreed to yearly direct contact at the moment. Do many of you have direct contact with grandparents of your child? We are due to met DCG's parents soon and have no idea what to ask them or tell them what kind of information would you have liked from your DC's grandparents? we are paternal grandparents if that helps

Every single choice and decision we made was centred around DGC to the point we didn't go for a live contested hearing as it would further delay things for DCG.

I'm sure that DGC will go on to have a wonderful life with his parents but it dosent stop it hurting for me and its selfish I know. DGC is a wonderful, beautiful child, and hopefully I'll be able to see DGC once a year but I'm going to miss DCG Like crazy.

If anyone has direct contact with your DC''s grandparent/s who are they to the DC are they called by their name or Nanny name etc. I want to respect DGC's parents family. I'm just so lost with it all. Sorry.

Hi Ishbam, yes the sw forgot however how difficult this is for us I can understand why she did. However much we disbelieve her it is what it is. We cannot change it its happened. We cannot change the past only go forward into the future and that's a future without either of my grandchildren and holding onto anger hurt etc is only damaging to ourselves.

Our family in this situation is very unusual as we are the paternal grandparents not the birth parents and everything is geared towards the birth parents rather than grandparents and actually quite rightly.

We do not share pr on a ICO as grandparents we have no 'rights' and nor should we. It is the rights of the child that is important and counts.

Although we were granted party to proceedings for the court perspective we didn't have the same rights to information outside of the court proceedings. So any meetings etc that included the birth parents we were not invited to nor were our opinions sought. LO is not my child and any choices and decisions were not and should not have been in my control unless they were placed with me.
From other families that I have been in contact with for a judge and guardian to recomend no contact with birth parents nor maternal grandparents who also applied to have LO in their care but to recomend direct contact with us is very unusual.

All that matters and should matter is what is best for LO and now their sibling and yes at times that means that their birth family isnt the best thing for them. Even if the birth family disagrees. Most of the time they are acting on their own emotions and what they think they should do rather than what should happen for the best thing for the child. I know and understand why we were not the best place for LO to be we may not agree with the professionals involved due to our own feelings. I wish I could say why we are not the best place for LO to be but that would be very outing and compromise LO and my other DC. The child and only the childs interests should be considered nothing else, and in fact I agree with the professionals who assessed us that being with us is not the right thing for LO as much as it hurts and I want them with us and to still be a part of our family they need and deserve more than we can give them due to our own families personal issues.

As a family myself my DH my DC who live at home with me in the last year we have had to deal with the court proceedings for LO and now their sibling the deaths of 2 very close family members. 1 was my dad the other huge drip feed but one of those deaths was of my adult step-child due to suicide. They died the day we had our wish you well contact. Dealing with the grief of my DC and DH one of whom was a 1/2 sibling. I'm almost at breaking point but I can't break as my own DC and DH need me to be strong. Holding onto anger etc is damaging me and I refuse to feel like that. I cannot change the past I can only keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep walking.

From what their guardian has said she will chase this up for me and I believe her she dosent have to as LO is now no concern to her. She brought up LO'S family (I wont say placement coz its not) she asked me how I felt about it and what had been set up so far LO moved in with their family more than 6 weeks ago. She dose not have to chase this up it is not part of her job anymore and in fact I'm grateful that she would do this for me. I can only go on her word at the moment and i will if need be put in a official complaint if I get nothing back from her regarding what happens next.

Unfortunately we havent met their parents before placement. The sw "forgot" that the judge had strongly recommended that this happened and she refuses to answer any of my questions as to what happens next even regarding letterbox contact

The SW us at fault here, she should have a reasonable discussion with you about why you’ve not met the parents - she needs to respond to the judges recommendation if she’s not gone along with that. It may be the parents have decided they odont want to meet you in which case she can’t force them but you deserve to know that. Has she sorted out letterbox with your son? I know in my area letterbox can take a while to sort out - I know our agreement took about 4 months to be finalised so it may well be in the pipeline. She can’t really sort things with you without the birth parents consent, is that likeky to be a problem?

I can hear your pain and loss - you’ve had some awful experiences even setting adoption aside. I hope you have some good real life support to help you carry all of this.

@CrumpetsandGiggles Oh, I can hear your pain, love and loss. If the judge recommended contact, you are certainly reasonable to keep asking about it.

It's ok to feel the full range of emotions about this. You're obviously good people, who put the child first (how I wish my DC had grandparents who could do this!!) But, for today, put yourself first. The children are safe, and you can feel what you need to- the loss, anger at SW "forgetting" (bloody hell!) or whatever you feel. You are worthy, too. Yes, children come first, and their needs have been prioritised, tick. But you matter, and it's ok to get support for yourself.

Thinking of you.

@Jellycatspyjamas thank you yes I agree that the SW is at fault however I cant change what's happened. I stated that LO was placed over 6 weeks ago it's actually a lot lot longer than that. Its several months. I am very aware of ours and LO's confidenatlity. The SW didn't inform me of the move she informed my son who then informed me. I emailed her and asked what happened, she replied. I replied asking what happens next and have heard nothing from her since dispite following the email up and also telephoning her and leaving a message this was a couple of weeks after lo moved in with his family. LO's birth parents were told via email that the move had happened, my son replied and the SW to date hasn't replied to their reply. Its extremely difficult to have meaningful conversations and engagement when the other party wont engage with you, especially when they hold all the cards and have all the answers you need.

LO's parents agreed to meet us and wanted to meet us in August the social worker just needed to set up the meeting and she didn't that was from her own email to me. They well may have changed their minds and that is their right, but in August the SW told me they had agreed to meet us and agreed to direct contact between us and LO. She stated in her reply to my email after lo was placed that they still have agreed direct contact but how that's now set up I have no idea as the SW hasn't replied nor has called me back.

No letterbox for anyone has been set up nor has my son been contacted about it. We have all been asking what is the process and receiving no answers which is what I told the guardian and she kindly said she would chase it up for me she did say that due to covid things that should have been done have not been and that's unacceptable. As difficult as it is I would accept Lo's parents decision if they felt it was best for lo for us to have just letterbox. They are his parents and they now know their needs better than we ever could.

I do have some rl support thank you

From my understanding LO's parents and the local authority do not need LO's birth parents consent as they are now under a full care order with placement order which could due to the length of time now be a full adoption order, but no until a few weeks ago consent from both birth parents was not a issue, and is definitely not a issue from my son. (Birth parents have actually split up)

@percypetulant thank you. I have allowed myself to feel the hurt anger etc and raged at the world and his wife (well mainly my mum lol) and will continue to do so as it arises. But to hold onto it and let it consume everything is damaging to myself and due to my DC's at home needs I cant do that both have additional needs including ASD and PTSD. Most of what I posted happened a while ago and I've processed most of it and have as I said got to keep walking. I cant change the past I can only shape the future.