Should I introduce DD to family and friends yet?

[Daisydolittleboo]

Sorry to have to start another thread when I've only just started one about something else.

DD (5yo) has been home since the start of lockdown.

We haven't seen any friends or family with DD present since she moved in.

Should we start to introduce her to friends and family now, or is it too soon? Should we go to their house or say they need to come to our house (so DD is in a familiar setting)?

Thanks in advance x

Is there a reason you haven't introduced her yet?
Have you let her speak to family over zoom?
We introduced DD to the wider family after a couple of weeks, but she was 8 months at the time and this was pre-lockdown.

Hi,

I adopted my daughter at very nearly 5, we started within a couple of weeks and built up gradually. We did neutral ground meet ups due to our circumstances but I can see staying at home working well too for the visitors - you know your little one best I should think.

I think now would be good unless there are any particular circumstances as to why not, especially if you're considering school in September.

Good luck, and feel free to ask any questions - my LO was a very similar age when placed.

@RoomForMore

Is there a reason you haven't introduced her yet? Have you let her speak to family over zoom? We introduced DD to the wider family after a couple of weeks, but she was 8 months at the time and this was pre-lockdown.

@RoomForMore

She came home 2 days before lockdown and I obviously couldn't introduce her throughout lockdown.
She has spoke to my best friend, her DH and her DC, my sister and DH's sister on zoom.

Oh wow! Literally since the start of lockdown. Adoption is such a crazy time anyway, and then throw in a global pandemic! I think introduce your family as you see best, but maybe it would work best on home turf and keep visits short so she isn't overwhelmed?
If its going really well and she's coping then you can change strategy. Good luck, what an exciting time

@Weekends

Hi,

I adopted my daughter at very nearly 5, we started within a couple of weeks and built up gradually. We did neutral ground meet ups due to our circumstances but I can see staying at home working well too for the visitors - you know your little one best I should think.

I think now would be good unless there are any particular circumstances as to why not, especially if you're considering school in September.

Good luck, and feel free to ask any questions - my LO was a very similar age when placed.

@Weekends

DD will be going to school in September yes.

We are going to try to start to introduce DD next week.
It's just deciding who to introduce her to first as my parents want to meet her first but so do the in-laws.
I also want to take her into work (office) for an hour to meet my work friends (team of 5 and all close friends outside of work) as we are allowed to bring newborn babies or newly adopted children in once, usually when on MAT or parental leave, I'm just worried that doing so will overwhelm DD.
My friends (outside of work) don't mind not being first to meet DD.

@RoomForMore

Oh wow! Literally since the start of lockdown. Adoption is such a crazy time anyway, and then throw in a global pandemic! I think introduce your family as you see best, but maybe it would work best on home turf and keep visits short so she isn't overwhelmed? If its going really well and she's coping then you can change strategy. Good luck, what an exciting time

@RoomForMore

That's why I've been so careful not to overwhelm her as literally everything's changed for her in such a short space of time.
I will get friends and family to come here to meet her.
Might take her into work for 30-60 minutes to meet my work friends (5 and all close friends outside of work).

Totally your call (of course!) but for my daughter it helped (I think) to have met family a couple of times before moving onto friends, then another meet up with them again before even more new people (only did this for about a month - school is a social explosion coming very soon so that level of planning can't go on forever). I think it helped her to understand who her family were. Sounds like you've got it sorted.

Tricky one 're which grandparents to meet first - good luck!

@Weekends

We think were going to let my sister come first and then my parents a few days later and then the in-laws.

She's going to see my friend on Tuesday anyway as I'm going for dinner with her so might take DD (will decide on Tuesday morning).

I won't take her into work to see my work friends for at least another 2 weeks. I'm worried it will overwhelm her.

It certainly could, especially after lockdown. Sounds like you have a good plan that can be changed if needed though. She may love it!

Enjoy it - it's amazing introducing your child to the rest of your family. It was a few years ago for us and my LO still remembers it (just before starting school). We love going to the country park where she met her Auntie - very special memories indeed.

@Weekends

It certainly could, especially after lockdown. Sounds like you have a good plan that can be changed if needed though. She may love it!

Enjoy it - it's amazing introducing your child to the rest of your family. It was a few years ago for us and my LO still remembers it (just before starting school). We love going to the country park where she met her Auntie - very special memories indeed.

@Weekends

That's why I'm going to be very careful with how I do it. Hopefully I can take her on Tuesday when I go out for dinner with my friend.

I can't wait to introduce her to family and friends.

I know when I take her in to see my work friends that DD will end up with cake (she loves cake) and chocolate.

I'd prioritise anyone who will be involved closely with her long term. In my case, I prioritised those who would be asked to do childcare either on a routine or emergency basis. I'd also prioritise anyone who has children she could play with and anyone who would be a familiar face in school.

I get the whole wanting to introduce her at work but this needs planning as it could be triggering depending on where you work. Due in part to things that happened in supervised contact, my LO can find certain places very difficult, she becomes overwhelmed and is hyper vigilant.

@ifchocolatewerecelery

I'd prioritise anyone who will be involved closely with her long term. In my case, I prioritised those who would be asked to do childcare either on a routine or emergency basis. I'd also prioritise anyone who has children she could play with and anyone who would be a familiar face in school.

I get the whole wanting to introduce her at work but this needs planning as it could be triggering depending on where you work. Due in part to things that happened in supervised contact, my LO can find certain places very difficult, she becomes overwhelmed and is hyper vigilant.

@ifchocolatewerecelery

It will usually be my sister or my best friend that will do childcare when its needed.

I'm going to wait a few weeks (if not longer) before introducing her to my work friends(close team of 5), we are close friends outside of work so I might just let them come over one at a time to my house.

I'm just worried of her being overwhelmed when I introduce her to friends and family or one of them touching her without warning (a trigger for her is touching her without warning) and scaring DD. She's ok with me touching her without warning now but wasn't for the first few weeks.

My son (2) came home in lockdown and we're starting to meet people now. He met my parents in a local park and because it was going well we went to a pub for lunch. I'd prepped them on my expectations (don't approach him for a hug or kiss, let him come to you, let him lead, don't do any 'parenting' tasks as he needs to know I'm mummy) and managing them was more stressful than keeping an eye out for my son!

Every child obviously has different needs (as well as different families doing different things) but I told my son we only touch family at the moment and only if he wants to (Covid plus he's over friendly with strangers). We've been doing video calls with the important people in my life since he came home and we're slowly meeting all of them - but outside of the house and in a low key way. My son is more likely to get dysregulated if I have people in the house. I wonder if it's because he worries they may be a new mummy or daddy for him (it's obviously not long since I started spending time at his FC's house and then took him away).

I'd suggest one or two people at a time max, somewhere low-key or where there's an activity so she doesn't feel like she's the centre of attention and maybe keep gifts to a minimum as well.

@mahrezzy

My son (2) came home in lockdown and we're starting to meet people now. He met my parents in a local park and because it was going well we went to a pub for lunch. I'd prepped them on my expectations (don't approach him for a hug or kiss, let him come to you, let him lead, don't do any 'parenting' tasks as he needs to know I'm mummy) and managing them was more stressful than keeping an eye out for my son!

Every child obviously has different needs (as well as different families doing different things) but I told my son we only touch family at the moment and only if he wants to (Covid plus he's over friendly with strangers). We've been doing video calls with the important people in my life since he came home and we're slowly meeting all of them - but outside of the house and in a low key way. My son is more likely to get dysregulated if I have people in the house. I wonder if it's because he worries they may be a new mummy or daddy for him (it's obviously not long since I started spending time at his FC's house and then took him away).

I'd suggest one or two people at a time max, somewhere low-key or where there's an activity so she doesn't feel like she's the centre of attention and maybe keep gifts to a minimum as well.

@mahrezzy

I think I'm going to do it at a park or somewhere similar.

I'm going to prep people on my expectations too before they meet DD. Everyone will be fine with our expectations besides my parents and my MIL and FIL as they won't listen to my expectations and just do what they want on the day, I'm really worried about this.

We've also been doing video calls with the people I see the most, my best friend, her DH and her DC, my sister and DH's sister.

We will meet with everyone slowly but do it outside and low key too.

Keeping gifts to a minimum is something my parents won't do unfortunately, no matter how many times I tell them I just know they won't.

I'm going out for lunch with my best friend tomorrow, I'm hoping to take DD but will see how she is tomorrow.

Has anyone got any advice for if I do take DD tomorrow when I go for dinner with my best friend?

Also, we have been funneling since when DD came home and will keep on funneling for now so that she knows me and DH are her mummy and daddy.

My DS was nearly 5, I focussed introducing him to people who would be involved on a regular basis, kept that circle small for a good month, (my sister, a close in law, my brother in law and my best friend), then widened that to grand parents (there are good reasons for the delay), then to wider family so that by 6 months in they had met most of my immediate friends and family. Wider family took much longer - it was probably about two years in before they had met everyone (we have a large, very extended family).

In terms of work, I took my DC in to the office after about 8 months, it was a half hour visit under the guise of me needing to pick something up and have me a chance to talk about my work and where I would be when they were at school. It helped them to see my office and where I say etc. They met my immediate colleagues (a close team of 5), very low key and I had primed everyone (eg in your shoes I’d tell my colleagues very clearly not to touch, and to redirect back to me), I wouldn’t have done colleagues one by one because it’s too much - 5 different hour long “meetings” would have been too much for them and although you want to show him off (I know I did), I’d make it casual and low key.

Sorry to keep switching between “him” and “they”, I adopted two ages 4 and 6.

Has anyone got any advice for if I do take DD tomorrow when I go for dinner with my best friend?

Relax, let her eat whatever is familiar to her - don’t worry about nuggets and chips if that’s what she want. I find my DD needs to know where the toilet is when we eat out so I’d take her to wash her hands so she knows where it is. Don’t worry about table manners, take some colouring or a toy with you for her to play with and really truly don’t expect any decent conversation with your friend, your DD will need all of your attention. Do you know if she’s used to eating out?

@Jellycatspyjamas

My DS was nearly 5, I focussed introducing him to people who would be involved on a regular basis, kept that circle small for a good month, (my sister, a close in law, my brother in law and my best friend), then widened that to grand parents (there are good reasons for the delay), then to wider family so that by 6 months in they had met most of my immediate friends and family. Wider family took much longer - it was probably about two years in before they had met everyone (we have a large, very extended family).

In terms of work, I took my DC in to the office after about 8 months, it was a half hour visit under the guise of me needing to pick something up and have me a chance to talk about my work and where I would be when they were at school. It helped them to see my office and where I say etc. They met my immediate colleagues (a close team of 5), very low key and I had primed everyone (eg in your shoes I’d tell my colleagues very clearly not to touch, and to redirect back to me), I wouldn’t have done colleagues one by one because it’s too much - 5 different hour long “meetings” would have been too much for them and although you want to show him off (I know I did), I’d make it casual and low key.

Sorry to keep switching between “him” and “they”, I adopted two ages 4 and 6.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I'm going to slowly introduce her to people, not everyone at once.

I'll take her into work (office) near the end of August, before she goes to school. I will tell them first though, my expectations and make sure that it is casual and low key.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Has anyone got any advice for if I do take DD tomorrow when I go for dinner with my best friend?

Relax, let her eat whatever is familiar to her - don’t worry about nuggets and chips if that’s what she want. I find my DD needs to know where the toilet is when we eat out so I’d take her to wash her hands so she knows where it is. Don’t worry about table manners, take some colouring or a toy with you for her to play with and really truly don’t expect any decent conversation with your friend, your DD will need all of your attention. Do you know if she’s used to eating out?

@Jellycatspyjamas

I will let her eat whatever she chooses.
I will take colouring and a toy (2-3 toys) for her.
She's eaten out with me twice since restaurants opened and eaten out with her foster carers regularly too.

Should I encourage DD to say hi and bye to my friend or not?

Should I ask her before we leave if she wants to hug goodbye to my friend and let DD decide whether she wants to or not?

OP, I think you may be overthinking this although it's so clear how much you care and want to get it right. Only you know what's best for your daughter, but if it was me I'd definitely encourage her to say hello and goodbye to your friend. I don't know why you wouldn't?

However I wouldn't ask or encourage her to hug your friend, but that's me - I've decided my son can only (sparingly) touch family at the moment due to the very early stages of attachment he has with me and I need him to learn the difference between family, friends and strangers (and that we treat each differently).

I hope it goes well tomorrow if you do decide to take her.

(in normal life I'm very tactile and always hug and kiss friends, but for now, because of Covid, I'm obviously not doing that and I want to encourage my son to do the same)

@mahrezzy

OP, I think you may be overthinking this although it's so clear how much you care and want to get it right. Only you know what's best for your daughter, but if it was me I'd definitely encourage her to say hello and goodbye to your friend. I don't know why you wouldn't?

However I wouldn't ask or encourage her to hug your friend, but that's me - I've decided my son can only (sparingly) touch family at the moment due to the very early stages of attachment he has with me and I need him to learn the difference between family, friends and strangers (and that we treat each differently).

I hope it goes well tomorrow if you do decide to take her.

@mahrezzy

I probably am overthinking this sorry.

I need my DD to learn the difference between family, friends and strangers too.

I'm going to take her tomorrow if she's ok in the morning, will try to encourage her to talk to my friend too.

@mahrezzy

(in normal life I'm very tactile and always hug and kiss friends, but for now, because of Covid, I'm obviously not doing that and I want to encourage my son to do the same)

I am too, not as much recently though.

Oh god don't apologise. I absolutely get it. Becoming a new mum to a traumatised child in a lockdown is the weirdest thing ever. And it's weirder still to reemerge back into a new version of our world with a child in tow when we don't know what to do for the best.

Watch your daughter, follow her lead and trust your instincts. You won't get it wrong if you do that and if you do get it wrong, you get it wrong. We all get it wrong some days and it will be okay.

@mahrezzy

Oh god don't apologise. I absolutely get it. Becoming a new mum to a traumatised child in a lockdown is the weirdest thing ever. And it's weirder still to reemerge back into a new version of our world with a child in tow when we don't know what to do for the best.

Watch your daughter, follow her lead and trust your instincts. You won't get it wrong if you do that and if you do get it wrong, you get it wrong. We all get it wrong some days and it will be okay.

@mahrezzy

It is weird and hard to know what to do for the best, yes.

The hardest part, I think will be deciding when to stop funneling as much and to let friends and family slowly start to hug/touch her more etc.