Should I introduce DD to family and friends yet?

[Daisydolittleboo]

Sorry to have to start another thread when I've only just started one about something else.

DD (5yo) has been home since the start of lockdown.

We haven't seen any friends or family with DD present since she moved in.

Should we start to introduce her to friends and family now, or is it too soon? Should we go to their house or say they need to come to our house (so DD is in a familiar setting)?

Thanks in advance x

She's hopefully meeting my best friend tomorrow and my sister on Friday.

@mahrezzy

OP, I think you may be overthinking this although it's so clear how much you care and want to get it right. Only you know what's best for your daughter, but if it was me I'd definitely encourage her to say hello and goodbye to your friend. I don't know why you wouldn't?

However I wouldn't ask or encourage her to hug your friend, but that's me - I've decided my son can only (sparingly) touch family at the moment due to the very early stages of attachment he has with me and I need him to learn the difference between family, friends and strangers (and that we treat each differently).

I hope it goes well tomorrow if you do decide to take her.

@mahrezzy

I am also told my friend my expectations too in advance (not touching DD without warning, only touch if you have to. For safety for example.)

I’d really be led by her, my DD is very tactile and we’ve had to help her get used to different types of relationship (she had no concept for example of aunts, sisters, grandparents etc and we have a big extended family). We gave her the choice of giving a high five to friends and more distant relatives so she could still have physical contact but not as close as a hug. Obviously if she doesn’t want to hug/high give etc that’s absolutely fine but she does need to say hello and goodbye.

The other thing I’d say (which you’ll likely be on top of) is to keep your plans very flexible, if she has lunch with your friend tomorrow be open to her not being ready to meet your sister on Friday. I know we needed to abandon some plans and shorten others because my two found it too much, they got dysregulated and over excited.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I’d really be led by her, my DD is very tactile and we’ve had to help her get used to different types of relationship (she had no concept for example of aunts, sisters, grandparents etc and we have a big extended family). We gave her the choice of giving a high five to friends and more distant relatives so she could still have physical contact but not as close as a hug. Obviously if she doesn’t want to hug/high give etc that’s absolutely fine but she does need to say hello and goodbye.

The other thing I’d say (which you’ll likely be on top of) is to keep your plans very flexible, if she has lunch with your friend tomorrow be open to her not being ready to meet your sister on Friday. I know we needed to abandon some plans and shorten others because my two found it too much, they got dysregulated and over excited.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I think I will be led by DD.
I will give her the choice of a high five or a hug or neither if she doesn't want.
I will get her to say hello and goodbye through and will try to explain to DD that the person she's meeting is my best friend.

How should I encourage DD to talk to my best friend once we've sat down?

I am flexible as I've told my sister I'll ring her Friday morning to confirm.

How should I encourage DD to talk to my best friend once we've sat down?

In all honesty I think this will come down to you and your friend commenting on what’s ages doing, chatting to her and involving her. She might not talk much at all and I’d be ok with that, the only “rule” I have for my D.C. is that they respond to a direct question ie that they aren’t allowed to ignore people but I don’t expect them to chat or socialise with my friends. For the most part my friends are great at chatting and engaging kids so it tends to take care of itself.

Just got back with DD.
It went really well a lot better than I expected.
I let DD choose what she wanted, which was spaghetti bolognese (her favourite). I took her colouring and toys which she loved playing with.
I didn't even get round to asking DD if she would like to high five or hug my friend, as DD asked before I even had chance too.
DD spent most of the time talking (while colouring and playing) with me and my friend. She's already asked on the way home, "when can we see x (my friend's name) again).

@Jellycatspyjamas

How should I encourage DD to talk to my best friend once we've sat down?

In all honesty I think this will come down to you and your friend commenting on what’s ages doing, chatting to her and involving her. She might not talk much at all and I’d be ok with that, the only “rule” I have for my D.C. is that they respond to a direct question ie that they aren’t allowed to ignore people but I don’t expect them to chat or socialise with my friends. For the most part my friends are great at chatting and engaging kids so it tends to take care of itself.

@Jellycatspyjamas

DD started talking with my friend and me as soon as we met her. Within a few minutes DD had already asked my friend to colour with her.

Will see how DD is on Friday to meet my sister.

This might sound like a stupid question, but how will I know when to stop funneling as much and start to ease funneling?
Thanks in advance.

The hard decision will be when we have to decide whether it's mine or DH's parents that meet DD first, as they will both moan and kick up a fuss if the other meets DD first.

Honestly, both sets of parents need to be told in no uncertain terms to put their needs on the back burner. It’s not about who meets the child first, it’s wholly about the child’s needs - in my case practicality won over, my dad simply lives much closer. For friends things like which parents would be providing childcare, which ones could provide practical help at home (my friends MIL came over so she could get a shower and wash her hair) etc. The child won’t remember who met who first, and won’t care so do whatever suits you best in terms of support - I might even go with the parents who are most likely to listen to me and do what I’ve said re touch, gifts, etc etc but honestly I’d trust my instincts on it.

@Jellycatspyjamas

Honestly, both sets of parents need to be told in no uncertain terms to put their needs on the back burner. It’s not about who meets the child first, it’s wholly about the child’s needs - in my case practicality won over, my dad simply lives much closer. For friends things like which parents would be providing childcare, which ones could provide practical help at home (my friends MIL came over so she could get a shower and wash her hair) etc. The child won’t remember who met who first, and won’t care so do whatever suits you best in terms of support - I might even go with the parents who are most likely to listen to me and do what I’ve said re touch, gifts, etc etc but honestly I’d trust my instincts on it.

@Jellycatspyjamas

I am going to tell them that as DD's needs come first.
The reason why she's meeting my best friend and my sister first is because they are the people that would do childcare if I ever need it for any reason.
I think I'm going to go with the parents that will listen to our expectations the most. Managing them will be probably be stressful.
I will see how DD is on Friday and see if she's ready to meet my sister, if not we can try next week.