Struggling

[poppet31]

Life feels like such a struggle at the moment. AS3's behaviour the past couple of weeks has been horrendous and I can't find any obvious trigger. He is so controlling and will just scream over and over if he doesn't get what he wants. There is no reasoning with him and he just won't listen to what you're saying. He will then start to become aggressive and will kick and hit. It has been literally one meltdown after the other all day every day for weeks now and I just can't cope anymore. We were sending him to nursery 4 afternoons a week before lockdown for some restbite. We don't have that anymore but the reasons why we needed it still exist. We are getting virtually no support, apart from some zoom sessions with his occupational therapist. I just don't know if I can survive another 3 months of this before he can go back to nursery.

Sympathies. Someone will be along soon with words of wisdom but know you are not alone. My children are not adopted but I've started a course of anti depressants to take the edge off.

So sorry to hear this. Can you tell us a bit more about him? Are you adopting a sibling set of three? Not sure what advice you have been given but is there anything that keeps him happy?

Just the one child. Sorry for the misunderstanding, I meant he was aged 3. I have posted many times before. He has been with us for 9 months and we have had pretty severe behavioural problems since day 1 but they are definitely getting worse. I know lockdown has caused him to regress - we were just about managing before - and he must be feeling so confused. He goes from being completely manic and disregulated to an emotional wreck within the space of seconds. He won't listen to anything you say. For example today he was just screaming 'snack time, snack time' over and over (he had just had breakfast) and the more I tried to reason with him, the more he screamed at me. He then started kicking and hitting me. If you get to close, he will claw at your face. We try to parent therapeutically but it just doesn't feel like it's working. We have been fobbed off by his paediatrician (who he has as he is globally delayed) and told this is normal behaviour for an adopted child. I have been around enough toddlers to know this is not normal. I think if we had some restbite things might be ok, but it is just so suffocating dealing with this day in and day out. Sorry, I feel like I'm rambling now. Just really needed to vent.

Not normal for a toddler, no but throw adoption into the mix and it’s not uncommon. I wonder if he’s hitting the “terrible twos” stage of development remembering that developmentally he’s much younger than 3 in terms of his cognitive, emotional and psychological development? Of course he’s physically bigger than a 2 year old which brings its own challenges in terms of safety but in terms of emotional regulation and understanding he’s much younger.

What kind of things do you do already rather than me teaching you to suck eggs - I’m thinking of things like social stories, visual time tables, sensory activities that might help him regulate. If you can tell me what kind of things you’ve got in place I can see if I’ve got anything else that might help.

In the meantime, are you getting time away from him - like completely away, out of the house time out? Are you able to get some space to regroup. I remember well those days if waking at 6.30 with two traumatised kids and seeing the next 16 hours stretch out in front of me. It’s very hard going.

Let’s see if between us the folks here have some ideas.

Well it might well be normal for an adopted 3 year old but that doesn't mean it should be ignored.
When you first started posting you were pretty sure you couldn't carry on, but here you are still here and fighting.
Where is your social worker in this- they should be looking for some respite
Is it possible to contact the nursery he was attending to see if any of the staff would consider some one to one with him?
Are you going out? With lockdown easing can family step in?
I'm not sure its possible to reason with any 3 year old to be honest let alone a disregulated one. How are your routines? Have you tried a visual timetable ?
Sorry that's a lot of questions

There's far more experienced people on here than me to help, but do you have the adoption order yet? If not, he is still a LAC - which should mean eligible for a nursery place if I'm not mistaken. Ours have been home for 2 years, but the nursery still offered us a place throughout lockdown for the littlest if we required it - as they are aware that they/and us may have needed extra support. They even offered help for my reception aged child - unfortunately littlest is a bit vulnerable to infections so we declined.

It all sounds really tough! I will tell you what has worked for us and it may well not work for others so take with a pinch or salt!

It is exhausting but I have found that structure is proving really important for my 2 and 3 year old.

I have a week timetable and they have visual timetables each day. There is free-play (we are in the garden at the moment!) but in between structured activities as they don’t know how to play. I am also rotating their toys so the 2 year old doesn’t get bored (3 year old doesn’t know how to play with toys).

Today for example-

• Breakfast and light and sound time
• Free play whilst I set up activities
• Cooking
• Painting
• Clean up and change clothes!
• Free play for one and activity for the other in turns
• lunch and 1 hour screen time
• numbers songs with props
• story time
• free play in garden
• messy play
• water play
• baths
• dinner time
• one to one time with DH and then me

Littlest one really struggled with the structure at first. He is very motivated by screens so I did ‘I am working towards...’ with 1 episode of Ben and Holly. Every time he did an activity he earned a counter, when he had 5 counters he got his episode. If it was an open ended activity I used a timer so he could see when he was going to earn his counter.

I go to bed shattered every night but I have two much happier children so absolutely worth it.

We are shielding as both are extremely vulnerable but once we are not I will be adding in a car journey and a long walk every day too.

I completely understand the lack of respite. We usually have a lot of support from carers which we have not had at all for 10 weeks. DH and I are very careful to give each other breaks. He is working from home so I take the DC upstairs at 7pm and entertain our eldest until bedtime at 10 (he doesn’t sleep). He is an early riser so I get a nice long lye in at the weekends.

I hope things improve for you soon!

Can’t you access a nursery as you child is still technically looked after or has the adoption order come through? If it’s the latter, could you speak to nursery and ask if they might consider taking him anyway? One of my adopter friends has done the same and the nursery said they have some discretion to accept a child deemed as vulnerable so this may apply here.

I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. How is your DH coping?

Hi Poppet

Jellycat beat me to it mentioning the terrible twos. My youngest had just turned 4 when she came home, like the majority of adopted children she was significantly emotionally delayed so we pretty much walked straight into TTs territory. It was tough but we got through it. Lots of routine and structure that we stuck to rigidly.

Lots of empathy with how she was feeling but then moving on...."I'm sorry you are so upset, that must be very hard, when you're ready for a cuddle I'll be here" type of stuff. It was utterly exhausting and me and DH had to tag team her. She was terrified and confused and had no idea why she had been left with us.

We did lots of talking through what had happened in her life. It went along the lines of "your tummy mummy couldn't keep you safe so you went to live with your Auntie Nelly, but she didn't keep you safe either so you went to live with foster carers who were brilliant at keeping wee people safe and they looked after you until your social worker found you a forever mummy and daddy to keep you safe and love you forever and ever". She loves saying "and she found you and daddy! ". The same narrative over and over while looking at photos really helped our LO and eventually the tantrums became less frequent and without the same heat to them.

It was so hard and at times we didn't think we could keep going but we kept trucking on and 22 months later that LO is the light of our lives, as are her 2 siblings.

With the lockdown it's even harder, harder to get support or even just escape for a coffee. All parents are struggling just now, you're a very new mummy to a child who has experienced trauma, cut yourself some slack. Keep talking, even if it's just here, it does help.

I follow you on Instagram and things seemed better so I am sorry they are tough. I’d echo what people said about trying to see more people and to be physically apart now that you can a bit. And don’t be afraid to tell a professional you need help. You are human and need support.

My son has been with us for 6 years and he was offered a place at school. We didn't take it, although sometimes I wanted to. He has been OK but if I were facing what you are I would definitely make as much nice fuss as I could to get that place at nursery now.

My son's issues around control have come to the front during lockdown. He is pretty secure and very bright. And at times his behavior is very annoying, so I cannot imagine how hard it is for your son, and for you.

This is just an idea, just to try. Doing lots of tactile things together like making bread, needing it etc. Maybe several time before you bake it.

Slime (as long as he doesn't eat it), collages with lots of bits of material etc.

I could be 100% wrong but I wonder if choosing colours, needing dough, splashing in a bowl of soaping water etc in the garden, anything tactile, while talking to him, etc might give him some focus. And some choices, safe, small choices, and give him some comfort feelings.

It's just an idea and hopefully no harm to try (feel free to ignore me) especially if you have tried it.

And yes, 100% to some time apart, even if he is just watching some silly TV show, you must carve out space for you, when it is safe to do so.

Good luck.

Our son came to us at 3, now 6. I found a 3 year old totally exhausting, there’s no let up. We often look back on him at 3 and reflect on how much easier it is now. I echo @Italiangreyhound and think tv sometimes is very necessary, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to be fully engaged all the time.

Hi Poppet, I was thinking of you yesterday while having a hard day with my son. He came home nearly three weeks ago (such early days) and he's doing well mostly. Although sometimes he displays similar behaviours to how you've described with your son, which made me think of you. It's so hard. I am so much respect for you (and your husband).

My son can sometimes, out of the blue, grieve hard for his foster carers. This takes the form of his speech going a bit crazy, like his brain is wired wrong, and he screams and kicks and bites and expresses his anger physically. It's horrible to watch and to be on the receiving end of it too. I'm about to start another thread about how to coregulate with him as I'm struggling with this a bit. Maybe it may help you, although I have no doubt you've tried a lot already yourself.

If you fancy PMing and chatting at any point I'd be very open to it. I have a great support network and wonderful friends and lots of adopter friends too, but nobody I know is going through this and it can feel so lonely and isolating.

I have a similar dd by the sounds of things and she's been with me for 6 years now.

You need to contact family services. Imo support after adoption teams are about as much use as a chocolate teapot. All they will do is arrange some theraplay session and label him with 'attachment issues'. I've been down that road so many times, I've been to all the parenting classes and had numerous professionals show me theraplay and to use PACE. This does not work!

If you contact family services, or support after adoption, you tell them about his behaviour, they need to understand the stress he's causing and that you are struggling to manage his behaviour, express that you are also struggling to meet his needs and that you need support. Don't minimise his violent behaviour.

As you are a good parent and the child isn't at risk, they have little insentive to put much effort in. You need to force their hand. There is 5k available for you for your child. Mine has just had a psychological assessment and is currently having sessions with the psychologist. I've also had a sensory assessment carried out and she's just been diagnosed with adhd and we are trialling her with various meds. It took a lot of pushing!

I am not an adoptive parent so can't speak from experience like many of the people here. However, I do have children with ASD and learning disabilities and I noticed that you mentioned your ds being developmentally delayed. It might be worth looking at strategies for children with special needs to see if those kind of supports would help. I am thinking of visuals, now and next boards, social stories. Apologies if this isn't appropriate but some of what you have described chimes with some of the behavioural issues we have had when my children were younger.

Can you give us a breakdown of your average day? Or a breakdown of the last 3 or 4 days, say?

It may be worth contacting the Virtual School Headteacher from the LA the nursery is in. They may be able to advocate for your son to have a nursery place at his nursery (or another if it’s not open).

Thinking of you @poppet31

Hi everyone. Sorry just catching up with this thread after another difficult day. I am not very tech savvy and using the app so I'm not sure how to tag users but I will try and address some of the points raised. I am so grateful for all the advice.

Re nursery - we are in scotland so things are a bit different. Our son attended a private nursery which has now (temporarily hopefully) closed until probably August. No announcement has been made by the scottish government so we have to assume it's not going to open again until schools do. Each council here were allowed to decide the criteria for the children they would give nursery provision to. Ours was very strict and said both parents had to be key workers. They are now expanding this to other children and as our son is still a looked after child, he likely would be offered a place. However this would not be at his usual nursery, but a hub set up at a local school. We think this would do more harm than good as it took us 4 months to settle him in to nursery before we could leave without him getting upset and there was sometimes also aggression towards the staff at handover. For this reason, I just can't see a hub set up working as we wouldn't be able to visit the school or do settling in sessions - it's literally hand him over the gate and leave. As much as I need the restbite, I just don't think another big change would be fair on him.

His social workers have been less than useless. Our social workers (VA) have been better and have organised the sessions with an OT who has given us some useful advice but not all of it works.

We had a very structured routine prior to lockdown (in hindsight, probably too busy) but I must admit it hasn't been as structured as it should be lately. We still have a very rigid morning and bedtime routine but in the middle it's a bit of a free for all and I'm probably letting him watch too much tv, because I just don't have the energy to do activities or play all day and he can't play independently at all. I literally can't move off the sofa without him running after me screaming. A visual timetable would probably work well so that's something I will try and put together. We did use a what is C doing today board with photos of places we would visit but of course, it's been stuck on the same picture of home for 10 weeks now. One technique that sometimes works is wrapping him in a blanket and rocking him (something the OT suggested to regulate him) to calm him down. But he has to be in the right mood for this and sometimes won't tolerate it.

My DH does give me a bit of a break at the weekend, usually Sunday mornings off, but he's trying to run a business from home and is knackered too. We really don't have much quality of life and he is pretty depressed, although much better than when little one first came home. He is still seeing a counsellor which I think is helping him to empathise more with our son.

I am sure most of these problems are attachment related as little one wasn't well prepared for the move and has been very rejecting of me. Although something in my gut is telling me there might be something more to it. I have considered ASD but he's very sociable and doesn't really fit the criteria. I use social stories a lot but he just seems to zone out most of the time. I also try to name the need but when I say dot example ' you seemed very sad earlier' he will just say 'happy!' It's like he's afraid to admit what he is feeling. I do think initially he felt a lot of grief for his foster carers but he doesn't remember them now. I showed him a picture the other day and there was no recognition. He just swiped to the next one.

I just feel like a crap mum at the moment because I have no energy or patience and as much as I try to be therapeutic, he just tests my patience so much at times. I shouted at him yesterday and had to actually leave the room and sit on the stairs because I just needed a minute away where I wasn't being kicked and screamed at. He was screaming through the stair gate 'mama come back' and it broke my heart but sometimes it's just so hard to be around him when he's so horrible. I know that sounds terrible and that none of this is his fault but it doesn't make day to day life any easier.

What a honest reply. Life sounds pretty tough. 9 months in I’m sure most of us were finding things easier than you are now but we weren’t living with coronavirus as well. We still have days when things feel a bit bleak, but they pass. I think you need to be honest with your SW about the balance of good days to bad. If things continue to be so hard, it will have a negative effect on him as well as you.

Just a quick extra point re tv. Although he will watch tv, it doesn't really provide me with a break as I have to be right beside him also watching it. If I take the attention away from him and look at my phone etc he will just get very disregulated and start high pitched nonsense chatter so I will give him my full attention. It is also the source of many tantrums at the moment as I think he's just using it as another way to control me. For example he will ask for say peppa and then 1 minute in will change his mind and ask for duggee. If I don't immediately change the tv programme he will just scream duggee duggee and start to kick out at me until he gets his own way. But then, could do the same thing 3 or 4 times. So it's not really about wanting to watch a particular tv show, it's just about control. Weirdly, he doesn't tend to do this with my DH. Most of the meltdowns are when he's with me.

Oh @poppet31 don’t feel bad. You are under so much stress it’s not surprising you are struggling. I really feel for you. You are doing an amazing job. You feel guilty because you love him but you are doing an amazing job. Taking yourself away when you are struggling shows real strength and emotional awareness. Keep doing that. Your son will see you and copy you. You are such a great role model for him.

Now lockdown is starting to ease, go to a friends house as much as you can in the evening. Just getting the breathing space will help.

I’m glad things are going well for your husband. Not only are you such a loving mother you are such a loving wife too. You deserve so much credit for supporting him through this.

I want you to know you’ve got this. Keep going but look after yourself. Sounds like your the rock and you are under so much stress and you need to care for yourself. Hope tomorrow is a more positive day

Thank you. I don't feel like I'm doing an amazing job but I am trying my best.

And it's not all bad. Our son is cute and funny and we have some lovely moments. His development is coming on in lots of ways and that's lovely to see. He could only say 20 words when he came to us. Today he said 'man sit in lorry, turn steering wheel.' He was so terrified of water, he would squat in the bath. Today he played most of the day in a paddling pool for the first time. He makes me proud every day, I just wish life was a little easier.

It sounds like you have run out of steam which happens to everyone. In relation to your energy levels, are you getting to bed early and eating well? (Sorry, I know I sound like your mother, but every time I think I have no energy it does turn out that I could do with looking after myself more!)

He is communicating his needs to you, which is good. He needs all your time and attention, it is as simple as that! (I hope you don't mind the humour.)

TV is a double edged sword, even if dc are distracted it can have a negative impact on behaviour.

I must admit it hasn't been as structured as it should be lately. We still have a very rigid morning and bedtime routine but in the middle it's a bit of a free for all

So to try to be re-motivating, I agree with the poster upthread who talks about planning things out in advance, because dealing with a toddler is exhausting at the best of times, if you have a go-to list of ideas and things planned it makes it a lot easier to think about what to do and implement quickly.

Another key thing with your LO is that he is developmentallybehind, and so I think you could be gently doing work with him about this every day, so every day set aside some time to:
(a) Get him to repeat word sounds and words - encourage by offering a sweet every time he repeats the right sound a few times, maybe - building up over time - this will help encourage speech, give him confidence and help develop the muscles in his mouth to make the right movements/shapes/sounds
(b) Spend an hour at least helping him to do physical things to build up gross motor skills, like climb a ladder and go down a slide (over and over), maybe have the slide going down into a pit of balls, balance on things, jump of something onto something soft, make sure his diet and sleep is as good as it can be, he is eating a lot to give him energy.
(c) give him the opportunity to use pencils and paints, giving him a free reign to do as he likes, to help with fine motor skills and and encourage self expression.

A really important thing about this age and also up to primary age is repetition. Repetition, repetition, repetition. If we aren't used to this, as adults, it can take a bit of time to adjust. It is reallyhard work for us adults - though worth it in the end. He will really benefit from and enjoy the 1:1 attention too, if you are calm and gently pushing him to do it all and can handle the meltdowns with calm too.

I am sorry about all the text, but I posted this on the other thread and it might help here about helping him regulate. Some of this I know you say you are doing so I suppose I am just reinforcing it, that this is what worked. I also thought, by the way, it is worth persisting in relation to the foster carers despite the apparent lack of interest, I found my dc asking questions years later about someone they hadn't seen since they were 3, who I thought they had forgotten, but hadn't.

So in relation to helping with regulating, this is what I have found:

In the moment, every time, be present for him, very calm, steady as a rock, so that he knows the feelings he is feeling are ok and that you are in control of your feelings and can help him. If it has been triggered by going to a particular place - such as going into a cafe or shop - pick him up, carry him out, focus on him not anyone else, and explain later to him why, that it was too much, but that you can go back another time if he wants.

When he is calm, do two things:

• talk to him about how you think he is thinking and feeling about his past, his present, different experiences, many times, watch for his reactions to indicate agreement or not agreement and respond, don't expect a response for a while yet as he is only 3, but do keep on doing this - as he gets older you can start to talk about his thoughts and feelings in very simple ways - for now it is him being understood and learning the language of feelings and communication and feeling connected with you. You can start him learning about his own feelings about everything by giving him small, easy choices every day, building them up.

• explain gently but persistently and firmly that his feelings are good, but that hands are not for hitting and feet are not for kicking - buy books that talk about this too.

As he gets older you can teach him strategies for dealing with his own language, and talk about his thoughts and feelings, this is so important, with an adopted child helping them know who they are as anindividual as well as part of your family. Over time he will mimic how you deal with stress and emotions so again this is really important to be aware of.

The above will be needed from you multiple, multiple times over the next few years - it is a marathon!