Struggling

[poppet31]

Life feels like such a struggle at the moment. AS3's behaviour the past couple of weeks has been horrendous and I can't find any obvious trigger. He is so controlling and will just scream over and over if he doesn't get what he wants. There is no reasoning with him and he just won't listen to what you're saying. He will then start to become aggressive and will kick and hit. It has been literally one meltdown after the other all day every day for weeks now and I just can't cope anymore. We were sending him to nursery 4 afternoons a week before lockdown for some restbite. We don't have that anymore but the reasons why we needed it still exist. We are getting virtually no support, apart from some zoom sessions with his occupational therapist. I just don't know if I can survive another 3 months of this before he can go back to nursery.

Sorry, I meant free rein up thread, not free reign!!

@poppet31 I'm about to start the nap time routine so can't write much (or read much), but I saw your comment about him having a meltdown over the TV and changing his mind about what he wants to watch. It's absolutely about control and I experience similar.

What I've learned (in my very short time of being an adoptive mother) is that my son sometimes spirals if I give him too much choice. I offer two shows and if he wants neither the TV doesn't go on. If he changes his mind I say we're not going to watch it any more and offer two more choices of things to do (colouring or reading). He may freak out at this point, but I'm putting very firm boundaries in place and allowing him control within those.

My social worker told me I have to be more strict with him than I think, that our children like to feel in control because they're so scared and haven't ever had those boundaries before, but when we put those boundaries in place and stick to them, they start to feel safe and then therefore stop freaking out so much. It's hard to enforce (especially at the beginning), but I've learned a firm tone and not compromising helps. Therapeutic parenting is about kindness and firm boundaries, limited choice, and keeping to your guns is kind. The playfullness, wondering, empathy etc can fit in that framework, I think!

Will post more next time I get five mins!

@mahrezzy I would be careful with the terms "control" and "limited choices" - as i understand it the thinking nowadays is:

"control" - a child's behaviour is communication. Seeing it as that first and foremost is probably more helpful than labelling it as controlling.

"limited choices" - you help a child grow internally by giving choices - though as a very young child these will be simple choices. Rather than limiting choices to control their behaviour, it is better to help them with behaviour by expanding their ability to deal with emotions.

I agree that boundaries are part of normal parenting and essential as a child cannot impose their own - they learn to gradually over time.

@mumphychat thank you - that's very useful.

To clarify my choice of using those terms, my son has so far grown up with limited boundaries and has felt unsafe within that. To make him feel safe, I control my own emotions to stay calm, I control our home and day to day routine, and I control the boundaries in which he's provided with (simple) choices. This control helps him to feel safe and that an adult in charge. Up to this point he's not felt this and sometimes he wants to revert back to feeling in control himself because that's what's familiar to him. On the moments that's happened its felt very chaotic for both of us. I agree that another word can be used - I manage, perhaps? That certainly sounds a bit less... I don't know, Trumpian?! :D I don't think there's any issue with using the term 'limited choices', although perhaps 'simple choices' is softer and kinder. I wrote the above on three hours sleep so bashed it out quickly without much thought!

@poppet31 I don't know if any of the above is helpful. I hope it is in some way. When I spoke with my social worker about my situation (meltdowns that sound similar to yours), she gave me this advice and it's definitely helping.

My son had a meltdown after his nap. He saw his much-missed foster carers yesterday and I expected it to be coming. He cried and howled and I sat with him and silently shared his grief with him until he felt he'd allow me to comfort him. Afterwards I wondered with him and helped him name his feelings (sad). We felt a bit closer afterwards, and that he needed to let go of some of that grief. I have no doubt there's a lot more in there. Right now he's watching Paw Patrol for some zoning-out time while I catch my breath too. Then we're going to do some colouring or reading together (his choice), to try to bond a bit further.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong in what you said @mahrezzy, I recognise that need in my D.C. to be in control - which isn’t the same as being controlling - they need some level of planned predictability in their day, which is partly why lockdown is so bloody difficult. I think keeping their world small, giving “either/or” choices, using strategies like now/next/then to move between tasks all help because the boundaries are clear and consistent and they don’t have too many uncertainties.

While I do agree that it’s important to help children with their emotions, which in turn helps them regulate behaviour the reality is you also have to get through the day. I think of it as building a scaffold to support while you do the “rebuilding” work - strategies to help with immediate behaviour management so the household can function while supporting emotional literacy, distress tolerance, self awareness and empathy. It’s not one or the other - both are important.

I have seen you can't use nursery due to it being a hub, is there anyone he can be left with in terms of babysitting? I'm not sure on the lockdown rules for Scotland but I would class this as an urgent situation to have someone come into your home. Any family that could watch him for an afternoon so you can go out for a walk?

Not an adopter but u sound amazing.
U need to cut yourself some slack.
Sounds like your LO has come on leaps and bounds,
my only advice would be try taking things 1 hour at a time when your having a tough day.
BT x

@poppet31 I am sure you will get there.. thinking of you

OP I hope you have been having some good days.

mahrezzy I think you misunderstood what I said - it is recognised to be good parenting generally to put in place boundaries for dc, I think, to be in control of their activities as much as is needed. There is obviously judgement required when it comes to deciding what control is needed by the parents and when - but for a 2 year old and 3 year old it I think most would agree that the parent would be making all the decisions the majority of the time - though with small opportunities for choices. By allowing as many choices as they (and you!) can tolerate when young it then slowly builds to a more resilient and mindful child.

The point I was making is that sometimes use of "control" "controlling" may indicate a lack of understanding of what is going on/needed. Fundamentally, when a child is acting out, hitting, screaming they have gone into brain stem, they are distressed, they have gone offline, they have flipped their lid - however you want to express it, they have lost control and they are distressed - and so my advice was that at that point you be with them to help them back to calmness.

Talking about emotions and giving choices is what you would be doing when calm, slowly over time, and that then builds up towards good regulation. The control thing might be what is being sought in an older child or adult but it isn't the reason.

This video is good:

At the end it talks about expanding the window of tolerance by talking about emotions. ie gradually helping them tolerate more, over time.

mumphychat that is an excellent explanation.

I showed that video to my lovely in-laws to try to explain why ds has some of his 'issues'.

I thought of it again when reading on here, maybe this thread, can't remember which!

II meant to post it but my brain is like a sieve these days.

Thank you for sharing it

Oh I've just remembered it was another thread. I'm going to pinch it for that thread!

Hello poppet
You are doing brilliantly.

Two things really jumped out - he is attached to you - he’s telling you this when he follows you round and requires you to watch TV with him. But he’s also not secure in that so he can’t let you go or your attention wander.

I’d expect that to get better in time but in the meantime, you could try a couple of things; Firstly make sure you take any opportunities you can to seek him out for cuddles and attention and fun. So any moment you get when he’s with you DH or distracted in a paddling pool or whatever, you go to him for a cuddle or hair tousle. Show him that you need him too. Secondly, talk through with him what he can expect. ‘Okay, I’ll watch one episode of Blaze with you, then I’ll stay here and read my messages and keep cuddling you, but then I need to go make tea. After tea we can have more cuddles and you can come and keep me company in the kitchen.’ (I used to take photos of sleeping DC to show them ‘how cute they were’. I just wanted them to know I’d still been there at night.)

The other thing was to get a routine. Anything. It’ll help you as much as him. Do whatever suits you, but do the same(ish) thing every day. Up, breakfast, play, walk, messy play, lunch, garden, tv, tea, bath, story bed. (I know with a three year old that list gets you to around 10am but you get my drift...)

In the first instance I’d assume it’s delayed terrible twos (and also anything that looks like asd is more likely to be trauma-related) rather than anything else. Doesn’t make it easier to live with...

💐