I'm not sure how to feel about this, DS in contact with his BM

[GreenMonth]

Not sure what to do either, if anything.

According to DS (who lies non-stop so there's really no knowing the truth) he looked her up on FB. He said it was because he's bored during lockdown. He claims that they have only exchanged a few messages, but he won't let me see any of the messages.

DS is nearly 16 so still not adult, he's also quite troubled, struggling at school and often in trouble with the law. He hears what he wants to hear and is easily manipulated (although not by us, he is very uncooperative at home).

BM appears to have turned her life around, she was not at all in a position to care for a child when DS was born and he was removed at birth. I've had a look at her FB page and she has a primary aged child and has become religious. She is also in direct contact with DS's older half-sibling who is an adult. Although she hasn't posted on FB for over a year so I don't know whether that is still the case.

I'm not even sure how worried to be. I didn't meet her but she was always described as a very nice person, if lacking in the ability to make wise choices. Much like DS is probably. But really I don't know her, and as I said, I don't know what sort of messages have been exchanged. We are in different countries so there's no chance of them arranging to meet, certainly not at the moment anyway during lockdown.

GreenMonth that sounds very tough. I hope you can get him to open up a bit and share.

He's not great at opening up. We wouldn't even know this much if DH hadn't happened to see a message notification on DS's phone and recognised the name.

As an aside, it's fascinating to see how alike DS and his half-brothers are. DS said that's how he knew that he'd found the right person on FB (there are several with her name), because his little half brother looks just like DS's childhood photos.

GreenMonth it's just my opinion but I'd get some post adoption support to help him. It could go either way in terms of ending well, or badly.

I'd also see if there is any support for you and your dh

As an adoptee, my ideal response from my adoptive parents would have been to want to be involved, to want to talk about it in an open and interested way, for my adoptive parents to be positive about my BM and for for my adoptive parents to be confident that their role had not been diminished or affected in any way, to have regard to the fact that I was nearly 16 and so talk about it in a "near adult" way, and to explain in a "near adult" way about concerns, about possible pitfalls, about possible disappointments, strong feelings, what might happen and might not happen.

Obviously life isn't ideal and some of that might not be possible, but another I would say is that if he is not being honest with you generally, this might be an opportunity to bridge the gap. If he isn't being honest it might be because he isn't fully aware of his thoughts and feelings, or that he is aware of them but doesn't trust you with them, or a combination of the two. If he isn't thriving in other areas, it is more likely that he isn't aware of his thoughts and feelings - and for him to thrive in the future he really needs to be, so that might be the focus if you can talk to him and slowly get him to trust you and open up, or the focus for post adoption support?

Sometimes adoptees will feel responsible about their adoptive parents' feelings about this and other issues, it is apparently a fairly common thing, and some adoptees say (and have said here) that they find it hard to open up about their feelings about their BFamily.

I am not sure if that will help or not. It sounds as though you are positive and open minded generally though.

another thing I would say

@GreenMonth this is something that I am grappling with at the moment. My son will be 16 in July. We had a couple of years of very intensive theraputic life story work, so he has a well developed understanding of how we all got to where we are.
We had/have direct contact with dad so we have contact details, my son knows he can contact dad whenever he wants but at the moment is choosing not to.
Birth mum is a bit more tricky. No contact at all with her since age 4 when he went into FC. After he finished life story work two years ago he was desparate to meet her. I supported him but Post Adoption refused to help. So I had a choice of going it alone or leaving it. I decided to leave it alone because it was still a trickt time for us and I didnt want the responsibilty of managing her expectations as well as his emotions.
At the momemt he has lost interest, but I am a bit concerned that she will attempt to contact him when he is 18.

Personaly I want to be in the driving seat with this. At some point in the next year I will contact her to suss things out.
If I were you I'd contact PAS and see whats on offer with support, and if nothing is forthcoming, consider taking the iniative.
I'd discuss it with your DS first though. He may be relieved if you take some of the responsibilty off him, and to let him know that its ok to be curious and want to know about her, and you will support him.

Why would you be worried at all? If he reaches out to his bm and she wants to talk to him, that is such a reason to celebrate!

You seem to be thinking about yourself in all this, not him. Of course he does not have to show you messages.

Can you say what you are worried about?

@Annamaria14 what experience do you have of adopted children?

@Ted27 my best friend is adopted, and I went through the whole process with her, of her contacting her birth mother and birth father.

I know that the adopted child has the totla right to find their birth parents.

So I am worried, why on earth you are worried.

I would describe my friend's adoptive mother as a controlling person, but even she was very happy and supportive when my friend met her birth mother.

Op, you said "We are in different countries so there's no chance of them arranging to meet, certainly not at the moment anyway during lockdown."

I just think that is a selfish attitude to have. Why would you not want them to meet, if he wants to.

yes adopted people do have the right to find their birth parents, but we are taking about a vulnerable and confused child here. Greenmouth quite rightly wants to protect him. She/he hasnt they don't want them to have contact or to meet, but was expressing worries about how to handle a complex and sensitive situation.
Apart from any other consideration, we all know that how people present themselves on facebook may not be the reality. They may be related to by birth, but at this point she is a stranger who they know nothing about, If you had a vulnerable 15 year old child, would you be happy about them contacting adults they dont know on the internet.

If you read my post upthread you will see that I am not in a dissimilar situation, and that we also have had direct contact with dad throughout our adoption. I am not at all opposed to my son meeting his birth mum, but yes I am worried about it. My son is vulnerable, birth mum is also very vulnerable in this situation. Its my job to protect my child, emotionally and physically and I will do so.
That is not selfish, quite the opposite in my view.

So I am worried, why on earth you are worried.

There are many reasons to be worried.

The adopted child has a right to contact their birth parents, this child isn’t quite at that age though. They’re contacting someone online and it appears that there is no supportive adult aware of what’s happening in the contact or supporting the child to keep healthy boundaries.

Children in modern adoption will usually come from incredibly adverse circumstances, parents who aren’t able to parent often due to significant mental health issues, domestic abuse, substance misuse, where their children have experienced Neglect and significant abuse.

Some birth parents go on to do very well, to recover, live healthy lives and parent future children well. Many more don’t manage that, live their lives in chaos with high levels of vulnerability. The worry comes from not knowing where this birth mother sits on that spectrum, how she engages with this child and what she tells him about her life now, whether she’s effectively grooming him into a relationship with her at a point when he doesn’t have the maturity to keep himself safe.

The fact that he’s not sharing anything about his contact with her is worrying.

There’s nothing wrong with adopted children wanting to find their birth family, and like others here I would support my kids in any way when the time comes, but I’d be neglecting my duties as a parent if I didn’t try to put safeguards in place.

but we are taking about a vulnerable and confused child here I understand the point you are making but it is important to not generalise, not all adoptees will be generally vulnerable or confused at this age, and I think at nearly 16 if possible it is better to be helping them develop independence and being supporting rather than directing. I am not commenting on how you want to deal with things with your ds, more pointing out that it isn't possible to generalise. You may disagree and that is fine.

@sassygromit.

I agree. At age 16 - it is better to support them, rather than direct him.

Let him lead the way. Ask him what he wants to do. Being curious about his birth parents is natural, and is to be supported

but I’d be neglecting my duties as a parent if I didn’t try to put safeguards in place I agree that this is very important, for the person with PR to make sure that age appropriate safeguards are in place.

At the same time, understanding how the individual teenager uniquely thinks and feels, and helping them be aware of how they think and feel about it as a first step, possibly - not straightforward.

I wasn't generalizing. A child struggling at school and in trouble with the police sounds vulnerable to me.

We should also not forget that the birth parent may well be vulnerable. My son's birth mother I feel is very vulnerable. I don't want to raise her expectations of the relationship she can have with him, nor do I want him to feel responsible for her.
Greenmonth does not come across to me as unsupportive. Being worried and trying to work through the issues is not being unsupportive

@ted27 I can see why you are concerned about yourself and your child, but most times when the child has contact with the birth parents, it is overwhelmingly positive.

It nearly always results in - the child still loving his adoptive parents, and seeing them as his parents, but having an extra connection and love from the birth parents.

I would imagine what could go right, rather than wrong

I think you underestimate the amount of support and care involved in positive contact with birth parents.

OP this isn't really on topic but your thread brought to mind a fantastic video by Dan Siegel about adolescents - I am sharing it as i think it is really interesting and informative, and it may or may not give you useful insights in relation to this issue too:

ted re this child I wouldn't personally have characterised the way you have because I just don't know based on the info here, but it doesn't matter, we can agree to differ. My point was about generalising about adoptees, which does happen, but if that isn't what you meant, point taken. I didn't say the OP was being unsupportive, not at all - I was talking in general terms about support vs direction.

@Annamaria14 but most times when the child has contact with the birth parents, it is overwhelmingly positive actually in reality it can vary hugely, there are so many different factors involved - how the bio parents see things, how they are, how prepared both sides are, how the adoptee feels, how the adoptive parents see things and how things have been managed up to that point, many things - it really does depend, if you look at testimonies by adoptees. It is great that you helped your friend and it sounds as though they had a happy ending?

Annamaria I love a positive story but where do you get the evidence that things mostly go well when children meet up with. Birth parents?

I'd love it to be true but it seems people often write or share extreme stories, extreme success or extreme failure.

The adult adoption reunion programmes on TV often deal with adoptees who were given up by teenage mums or taken from teenage mums. The reunion stories are beautiful and encouraging. I agree.

As parents (I have one birth child and one adopted child) we need to look out for our kids and protect them.

Many adoptive parents now on these boards are supportive of their children finding birth family and things going well.

My friend found her birth mum at almost 40 and it worked out very well.

I'm back, I've been trying to get him through assessments/exams from home. Extremely hard work, starting with just persuading him to get out of bed and continuing all the way through to making sure he actually sends it back to his teacher. Teenagers!

I haven't got much more out of him, I can't just ask what they said to each other because he'll clam up. I've been talking around the issue, about how glad I am that she has a better life now and a child who is living with her, and that she is in contact with her eldest child and while he listens to me talking he fills in a bit of detail around the subject. So I know that they have had a reasonable amount of contact because she has told him things about his early months and also about his half-siblings. There's nothing (that he has mentioned) that is worrying so far. There doesn't seem to be any desire for him to meet her in person (again, that he has mentioned). He says that he's not in contact with his older half-sibling, and that seems to be supported by tangential mentions in that he only knows things about him that his birth mother has told him.

I will get in contact with the post adoption team and see if they have any concerns. I'm pretty sure that she still lives in the same borough that we adopted him from so it's likely that DS and/or I can make contact with her through them if they think it's a good idea. They might also think it worthwhile talking through things with DS, which is what they would normally do with an adult adoptee before contact with their birth family.

Well done, GreenMonth you are doing brilliantly.

I really feel for 'modern' adopters. I am an adult adoptee, as I have said before. The circumstances of the children are (in the vast majority in the UK) so different now than they were 50 years ago and any contact needs to proceed with a high degree of caution. I am one of the people for whom contact with a birth parent was not positive from a MH standpoint and I had to step away. And I am nearly 50, with a stable support network around me, and thousands of miles away from the person. You don't know what you'll find and/or how you/they might react. The emotions can come as a shock and be totally unexpected. It would not surprise me if some of the adopters on here, in the event that contact with BP occurs, end up getting drawn into some sort of therapeutic role with the birth families, if they're not careful. This almost happened with my adoptive parents and again they are in their 70s. The upshot is - there is absolutely no 'majority of cases' when it comes to adoption reunions.

Given your son's age, the birth parent should have known that contact over social media with him was not appropriate. It would be reassuring to hear that she encouraged him to speak to you about it first. I don't know if you will find this is the case. If there is a way to stop it now and go through the adoption services, I would.

Don't be pressured into being guilted into doing anything that you don't feel is in the interest of your family.

It doesn't sounds too worrying at the moment. The fact that you live in different countries will make it very difficult for them to meet up but right now, all they are doing is chatting on social media. The birth mother is filling in a few gaps for your son. He is entitled to know about himself and I don't think you should pry, particularly as you have seen she isn't pressurising him in any way.

Think of it this way, if you had been adopted you would probably want to know something of your biological family. The only time I feel that could be difficult is if one or both parents were violent criminals of some type in which case a carefully fabricated, unpenetrable fairy tale should be constructed to protect the child. Your son's case sounds like a normal one.

I was adopted privately, taken straight from the maternity hospital and my birth mother never saw me. I was told nothing at all and it was a taboo subject. I met her when I was 37 and it was a great relief to find out about my family and to know I had nothing to be ashamed of.

You've done better than my parents, op, and have nothing about which to feel insecure. You're your son's 'mum' and always will be. Let him research as much as he needs to, it will ultimately make him feel more settled.