I'm not sure how to feel about this, DS in contact with his BM

[GreenMonth]

Not sure what to do either, if anything.

According to DS (who lies non-stop so there's really no knowing the truth) he looked her up on FB. He said it was because he's bored during lockdown. He claims that they have only exchanged a few messages, but he won't let me see any of the messages.

DS is nearly 16 so still not adult, he's also quite troubled, struggling at school and often in trouble with the law. He hears what he wants to hear and is easily manipulated (although not by us, he is very uncooperative at home).

BM appears to have turned her life around, she was not at all in a position to care for a child when DS was born and he was removed at birth. I've had a look at her FB page and she has a primary aged child and has become religious. She is also in direct contact with DS's older half-sibling who is an adult. Although she hasn't posted on FB for over a year so I don't know whether that is still the case.

I'm not even sure how worried to be. I didn't meet her but she was always described as a very nice person, if lacking in the ability to make wise choices. Much like DS is probably. But really I don't know her, and as I said, I don't know what sort of messages have been exchanged. We are in different countries so there's no chance of them arranging to meet, certainly not at the moment anyway during lockdown.

@Lynda07 I'm glad your contact with birth family worked out well for you.

I'd have to take issue with your remark about fabricating fairy tales to protect a child. Firstly no story is unpenetrable. When a child reaches 18 and asks for their file, they would find out the truth, that would be incredibly traumatising and would be very damaging to the relationship with parents to find out they have been lied to their whole lives.

I don't think anyone is arguing that the child in this case should not discover more about his birth mother, the issue is that its done in a way that protects everyone, including the birth mother.

Ted27 Sun 31-May-20 10:04:01
@Lynda07 I'm glad your contact with birth family worked out well for you.
...
I didn't say it did, only that I met my birth mother when I was 37 and she filled in details for me which reassured me. We didn't go on to develop a relationship and, in fact, she really wanted no more to do with me. I was actually very upset at the time but life goes on, I was an adult and a mother and sort of understood how she felt.

Regarding the rest, I understood that in cases where a child comes from a violent, abusive background, think serial killers, the government change birth documents. Obviously that is in very serious cases only.

It’s very very rare for someone to be given a new identity by the government. If that hasn’t happened, there’s no need for adoptive parents to fabricate something either.

Even where there has been high levels of violence or criminality, it’s important that the adopted child has an honest account of their birth family - along with the necessary support to process that information. It’s part of their identity and while the information might be difficult to hear, it allows the adopted child the opportunity to make sense of their history be that good, bad or ugly.

The only time I feel that could be difficult is if one or both parents were violent criminals of some type in which case a carefully fabricated, unpenetrable fairy tale should be constructed to protect the child. Your son's case sounds like a normal one.

There are many things that could make it difficult for a teenager (or older) having contact with a birth parent, even if they have been prepared as far as possible with life story work.
Maybe what they see in front of them doesn't match their idea of e.g. a drug addict? Or it does and they feel out of their depth? Or the birth parent has been able to keep subsequent children and the child wonders why they couldn't have changed for them if they managed for other children?

@Lynda07 you met BM at 37 and sounds like although useful it was a difficult thing too, but imagine yourself 20 years younger and whether you'd have had the same resilience to deal with it. If this child's BM suddenly loses interest or doesn't reply it could be very difficult for them and the OP.
Hoping you can navigate this OP.

@Lynda07 I am really sorry about your experiences - I think it can be hard for non-adoptees to understand what it is like, and in fact adoptees all have different experiences so it can be difficult to get a feeling of solidarity (if that is the right word... probably not) from fellow adoptees too. It sounds as though you have handled your situation really, really well.

I also agree with jellycat that there will often be difficult things to take on board, best not to shy away from them - there will often good and bad - a child needs to be told at appropriate ages, supported through difficult feelings, with empathy, honesty, being realistic.

@ASandwichNamedKevin I understand the points you are making, but it is often much. much harder for adoptees who have to handle it "cold" as adults, in fact. It depends, there are many factors to take into consideration. I had more contact with bio mother and family than most adoptees during childhood and I think it was much easier for me than for many adoptees. I know a fellow adoptee well who had zero contact and it really has been much harder for her to process things, she has high levels of ongoing chronic anxiety about it whereas I have none. How the adoptive parents see the situation and handle it will have a significant impact, and many adoptees handle it on their own in the end.