I’m exhausted

[121Sarah121]

I’ve never started a thread but have been posting for a while.

My adopted son is 4 and been home almost a year and a half. I have a birth daughter who is 6.

My sons behaviour has always been challenging. However during the time he has significantly improved. He has developed a strong attachment to me but not my husband. My husband works full time and I returned to work part time 6 months ago.

Anyway. I broke down last week after another really difficult day. My Sw has been very supportive since then but I just feel numb and exhausted. The only time I feel remotely ok is when I’m at work. At home I am distant, grumpy and find myself avoiding my son. Anytime I try to talk to him, he is argumentative and difficult. He is completely pushing me away and I know it. I just don’t want him to go for me and end up in a situation whereby he is completely dysregulated because I don’t feel I have anything left to give to help him through it. I am completely exhausted. I don’t know what to do anymore.

You poor thing. I think it's Sally Donovan who describes a good regime for taking a sort of 'home holiday' idea for these times- eating ready meals/take aways, use a service wash at the laundrette, stop housework for a week etc, so you can stop using the few hours you get to yourself on housework. You need some rest- put on your own oxygen mask, and work out how to get a break this week. Can your husband take some parental leave to allow you a rest?

If you think there could be an element of depression, your GP can help, and check you out physically, and maybe give you time off work.

Thinking of you, your children need you to get some rest.

At home I am distant, grumpy and find myself avoiding my son. Anytime I try to talk to him, he is argumentative and difficult. He is completely pushing me away and I know it.
That sounds incredibly hard, I’m not surprised you’re struggling. Something that was an issue for me that I totally didn’t realise was the way my kids triggered my own issues. For example my DD rejecting me after contact with foster carers triggered my own trauma experience in which rejection was a significant feature - I effectively went into fight/flight, pulled back, didn’t want to be near her and was running on adrenaline all the time so vered between getting stuff done and complete exhaustion. I don’t know if any of that might help you not knowing your background but once I figured out what was happening I was able to steady myself and get back in the game so to speak. Literally nothing triggers my past experiences than parenting my own children.

You might also just need a break. Every few months I’ll take myself off for an overnight somewhere - just to eat a hot meal, relax properly and get a whole night of sleep. Sometimes you just need to reset a bit.

Sounds very hard, did his behaviour change when you went back to work?
My son was much older but he really struggled when I went back to work. He never liked the idea of me not being in the house when he was in school, when I was on adoption leave, he knew I was only in the house, or at the shops or gym so he could account for my time. Not so easy for him when I was at work.
I think the first thing to do is try and establish why his behaviour has changed. He is potentially feeling insecure about you returning to work and may feel less trusting - hence the pushing away, I assume he is in nursery or childminder? When I did go back to work I always put a note in his lunchbox and he had a key ring with my photo on so he knew I was always thinking about him. I also took him into the office so he could visualise where I was and who I was with

I apologise for the incoherent ramblings. I am all over the place and just want to get my thoughts down. I feel so isolated at times, that Boone understands (I don’t know any other adoptive parents particularly well and my friends with kids see my son and his charm offence and think he is wonderful (which he is) but don’t see the trauma)

I work shifts part time and although my job is stressful it’s my break away. The children’s grandparents look after them when I’m at work. It’s only a few days a week if that. My boss has been very supportive. I didn’t realise how much I needed the support network around work until
I was on leave.

The other day as I left for work later afternoon my husband said to me “do you really have to go? I don’t know how I’ll cope with the 2 Of them?” (Code for my son). I laughed and said I don’t get to go to work much. He goes all week. I need the break. I understand completely that work is the only thing keeping me sane. My boss is very supportive. He gave me the company’s occupational health number and suggest I access counselling through it (however I’ve not had a quiet moment on my own to call). But one of my work colleagues did upset me and I can’t stop thinking of it. He asked how the wee man was doing. I told him he has been spitting on me earlier and he said to me he felt sorry for my daughter to be in such a position that she didn’t ask for by or it and that you went into adoption knowing that it wouldn’t be simple but she didn’t ask for it. I felt so bad I tried not to cry. This isn’t what I wanted for my daughter either. I spoke to my husband who reassured me we have done right by her. Having a sibling is a wonderful thing to have. Having a sibling with trauma teaches you compassion for others. I just struggle when he hurts her too and I worry we haven’t done the right thing by her

I went back to work in sept. His behaviour has been challenging before and after this time. It has at times been a factor. I understand his behaviour from a logical point of view but when he is violent or chucking things or doing something risky (again) I am afraid i am struggling with it. I normally have a lot a patience but my reserve is gone. I am afraid that I too am going into fight/flight mode which I’ve never done before. I am embarrassed and guilty and full of these horrible emotions that I am doing anythig to avoid conflict and unfortunately that means avoiding him when I can. I am still caring towards him and meet his physical needs but emotionally I am becoming detached and I don’t know what to do.

Thank you so much for being able to put all this down in a safe environment with people who understand. It’s helped me feel like I’m not alone. Thank you

@121Sarah121 have you come across blocked care? In very basic terms it's when you are still meeting the childs care needs, food, clean clothes, etc. but your emotional connection is depleted.
Might be worth looking into

You really need to ignore ignorant comments from people that just wouldn’t have a clue how you are feeling. I am meeting up with some other adoptive parents this week it has taken me ages to find some with similar ages to my little one i can wait as I know they will get things that other friends don’t. You must reach out for help you need it now, you are feeling resentment towards your son which is just going to escalate. He has hanged your lives you have given all of yourself and more and now feel you have nothing left, I suspect you are literally just going through the motions each day to keep going. Then the guilt of how much easier your life could have been if you hadn’t adopted especially for your daughter, then the guilt of having those feelings. You are probably worrying about your future together as a family,will it always be this way? Will life be good again. I totally get it and so many adopters will also have been where you are now. Get in touch with post adoption support and the school, being charming for others but not for you or at home, needs more help than you can give. No wonder you need work, take up the councillor offer i can’t stress enough how much you need help asap

Sorry changed your lives

You're certainly not alone. And this will get better. There are plenty of us on here who have been through this. Counselling may help, if they understand adoption. Medication can help. I understand work being a break, and yes, you're doing the right thing getting that break.

You're really not alone. Are there any post-adoption groups where you can meet other adopters? You need someone to talk to who 'gets' it. Or keep posting here. We get it.

Could you get an assessment for post-adoption support? Some theraplay input, and other workshops etc could help, or at least introduce you to other parents in the same boat.

I am afraid that I too am going into fight/flight mode which I’ve never done before.

You know that’s entirely normal? Parenting children who are aggressive and rejection of us goes against all our instincts - to respond to aggression and violence with love and care over and over again is so counterintuitive, which is why we need safe places to talk, time away from our kids (even if it is for work). Also have a look at the concepts of vicarious or secondary trauma - caring for traumatised people can in itself be traumatic, which is where a good trauma informed therapist is worth their weight in gold.

Try not to judge yourself too harshly, look for times you can rest, relax away from the kids. Make sure your other half is pulling his weight and support him to have time on his own too - you simply can’t be “on” 24/7 when your child needs the level of care yours does. It’s hard because people see the wee soul you’ve adopted and often don’t witness the extremes of behaviour or understand the demands they make on you, or think you made your bed etc...

Go gently with yourself while you get through this season.

@121Sarah121, I really feel for you. However, I’d be lying if I agreed with defaultusername that things will get better. In my experience, as adopted kids get older, bigger and stronger, it all gets much much harder. Your son is only 4. You need to prepare yourself for a long, hard journey ahead and find a way of getting through it.

My son is 18. He’s at university and halfway to being independent. I suppose you could say that his adoption has been a success story. But the journey to get from day 1 to now has nearly finished me and I couldn’t do it again. I didn’t have other kids either, and if I had, I don’t think I’d have coped (never mind about them).

I don’t mean to be negative, just realistic. In my experience, you have to accept that the reality of adoption is a few moments of joy in a life which is mainly a struggle to get from one day to the next. It’s possible to make a success of it, but you probably have to accept that you’ll sacrifice your own happiness in the process.

@peardiver19 I really feel I have to respond to you. I'm sorry its been tough for you.
My son is 15, has been with me for nearly 8 years. We have had many challenges and some tough times, yes I have made sacrifices for him as all parents do for their children.
But there have been many moments of joy in the last 8 years and I don't feel that I have sacrificed my personal happiness at all.
I don't agree with a blanket view of it can only get better, for some it doesn't but many of us have very happy lives with our children.

In my experience, you have to accept that the reality of adoption is a few moments of joy in a life which is mainly a struggle to get from one day to the next.

I’m sorry that’s been your experience but it’s not been mine. My DC have been here for 3 years and while there absolutely are challenges, there’s more joy than hardship. I know that may change as they grow and knowing their life stories there are some very hard conversations ahead but on balance things are good and have been for a while now. I think forgives show a third of adoptions go smoothly, a third have some challenges but are ok and a third really struggle. I don’t think it’s a foregone conclusion that things will get easier or worse - it’s so unpredictable and therein lies the challenge for parents.

@Ted27 - I think you may be one of the lucky ones. I suppose I am too, from what I can gather from other people’s experiences. Looking back, there have been some moments of joy and my son is mostly happy (I think). But God, it has been hard and the lows have been really low.

Not everyone can cope with those lows. And I know the assessment process is supposed to determine whether or not a person can, but the reality is, it doesn’t. For one, it’s impossible for the prospective adopter to conceive of how hard it is likely to be in reality, but also the social worker is under pressure to approve the application. They need to find homes for these kids.

My own view is that you have to be really really tough to cope, and some people are tougher than others. I think there’s a generational divide too, and that people who are a bit older and perhaps went through the school system when you had to have a thicker skin to survive it are a bit more resilient.

None of which is to say that it’s all misery, just that it’s hard. And that it gets harder as a child gets older.

I have a birth child and a 4 year old adopted son, who is 4 years younger. Just how much of the emotional burden is your husband shouldering? Your posts sound as if you are taking on your childs needs and their fulfilment almost single handedly? My husband is pretty good but at the same time neither do I think he has gone above and beyond to create his own close emotional bond, which is not as good as mine because I took a year off work while he continued to work full time.

And just to add I have a close friend and close relative who adopted young and their children are now teenagers- I am comfortable saying they have not had the experience of pearldiver. Yes, tough at times, but also a whole lot of fun. I have a colleague who's birth child committed suicide and one whose child threatened to. I refuse to predetermine our future as one which is going to be unusually tough.

My experience as a foster carer and adoptor has taught me one thing and it is this... It can only be lived one day at a time. No one can say whether it will get harder as your child gets older because no one knows the future. No one can tell you how it will affect your daughter in the long run ( for good or ill ) because no one actually knows. I have seen unexpected outcomes for children in the long term that far exceeded my expectations ( as I am a natural pessimist left to my own devices ) . In fact in every case bar one things turned out better than I ever dared hope despite all the ups and downs along the way so dont despair !
It might sound trite but I try not to think what may or may not happen tomorrow and all I do is deal with the days challenges. Trying to see the long term outcomes and / or looking back with regret only adds extra pressure to your shoulders and is likely to tip you over the edge.
That is not to say that you don't look for support and solutions of course but really ignore people who are not helping by basically implying you have made a mistake and don't dwell on what may ( and equally may not ) happen.
I agree with others that counselling would be helpful and connecting with others who are also dealing with similar challenges is invaluable and we are always here to listen of course x

@pearldiver19
My comments above were about the work colleague and I wasn't having a pop at you with my post ! I can see it could be taken that way having read it back .

Thank you all for your support.

I am normally a very positive person and not much ever gets to me. I guess that’s why I am so downhearted about feeling so overwhelmed last week.

I’ve been working over the weekend so it’s given me the breathing space i require. I am still exhausted (10 hrs sleep over 2 days does that) but don’t feel so overwhelmed. Also, hiding a little from him too has done that (it’s the drip drip effect especially when he repeats lines from a song....) I’ve caught my breath and I will do my best to recognise when I’m needing help in the future.

Anyway. Productive day. Had a Sw out today and she was excellent. Just let me talk. She is putting in referrals for play therapy and counselling. She is putting me in touch with another adoptive parent for support. I’ve contacted a private counsellor and hope to start that soon. We’ve got a cahms appointment soon too.

My husband hasn’t been providing the support I thought he would have but I am ok with that. There are a lot of single adopters out there who do an excellent job. He would be ashamed to read that. He doesn’t mean to be so busy wotrh work but I think he has found the whole process harder than he thought it would. When I am at work he has the children. When we are both off we try to have family time even if it’s playing board games together or a walk outside etc.

Anyway, who knows what te future holds? Whatever is in the future, we’ve got this :)

@pearldiver19 I agree with a lot in your second post. It is hard, you do have to be tough, I'm glad I only adopted 1.
Does it get harder as they get older? I agree it doesn't necessarily get easier, but I don't feel it's harder, just different.
I have to be honest I'm not a particularly happy bunny at the moment but that's more to do with work issues and I did 'sacrifice,' a much loved job before I adopted but that was entirely my decision and nothing to do with him, I would have done the same if I'd had a birth child instead.

@Ted27, I think it gets harder as soon as they start school. Because then you’re not only dealing with the child and the child’s trauma, but the teachers and the other parents, and the child’s behaviour as they struggle to adapt and the blame when they can’t. Then, as they grow up, you’re dealing with the influence of other people, and the consequences of poor choices, and your own struggle to control the behaviour of an angry teenager who is bigger and stronger than you, and the expectations of other people that it is your responsibility to do this and your failing if you can’t.

I got through the school years, but I didn’t come out of them unscathed. And I’m tough.

My point is - adoption is not for the faint hearted. I wish the OP and her family lots of luck, and I hope they have more moments of joy than they do lows.

My experience is life has ups and downs. We're lucky, we have more ups than downs (I think). But as OP is in a down, at some point there will be an up. I'd argue that if there is absolutely never any kind of up, and never going to be, and it's only going to get worse, and woe woe, then disruption should be considered, as no one can live like that. But I think it's rare for things to get no better than when you're on your knees exhausted, usually things let up, otherwise we wouldn't be able to carry on.

Adoption is not for the faint hearted, at all. And there are tough times. But for the vast majority of adopters, there are also good times, and I don't think it's helpful to tell someone in the dark "There's no light, you know, the next bit is DARKER."

OP, it sounds like you've been really productive, well done. Asking for help is a big, healthy, step. Adoption does trigger things in us, trauma in us as parents, and it's useful to work through that.

I wonder if you need to be more honest with your husband? Yes, single adopters manage. But you're not one, and you didn't sign up to be one, and just as you're sorting counselling etc, and seeking help, maybe he needs to do so, too, so he can be the dad he meant to be?

I think you are all right. There are ups and downs, for some things don’t get better, some things are out of our control and some things are just too much for us. I think I am at the point where things are just too much for me to handle alone. I can do this but I need support.

I am aware that my husband is part of both the problem and solution. He loves us. He tells me every day how much we all need him. When he is about he is a very good dad. My issue is he leaves at 730am and returns after the kids are in bed most weekdays which leaves me with the kids. He loves his work and we can’t afford to have him not working either especially as I am part time. It’s a difficult trade off

Well I think you should allocate a few hours at a weekend just for you. Help him get the kids up if you must but then go out for breakfast with a friend go to the shops, cinema, book a massage etc . Whatever floats your boat really. And dont let anything impinge on that time. He could have a slot as well of course. You really have to prioritise your own care because nobody else will do it for you . At least that is what I have learned. It is not selfish to recharge for a few hours a week when you are constantly giving out . Oh and equally as important is time for each other. So date night once a week etc so you can reconect because this parenting stuff can sabotage the best of relationships. If you can't get out then nice takeaway at home and no kids allowed . X

I work in a very demanding profession and my husband has a demanding job too but unless your husband is working fixed hours or his commute is hours long he absolutely can get home once or twice a week for the next month or two to do bedtime and give you a break. Work expands to the hours you hand over to it. When you agree to adopt you have to accept that occasionally work takes 2nd place now and again, no matter how important it is. You are shouldering too much and it's not to have a go at your husband, but he does need to perhaps feel the fear and do it anyway. I detested bedtime because it was when my child was most likely to start delaying tactics and I had almost run out of mental energy by that time of night. Putting in firm boundaries applied patiently and with good humour sounds easy enough but parenting well is hard!

I just wanted to provide an update. I’ve seen a lot of posts about the negative and I get it. I was most definitely there.

I last posted on this thread almost a year ago. What a year it I’m has been! I don’t even think if given coronavirus much thought at that point.

The turning point for us was definitely lockdown. If it hadn’t been for lockdown I don’t know what would have happened. When lockdown happened, my husband started working from home and I continued working away from home (key worker). For us, that was the turning point. For the first time, my son started to see my husband as a care giver (why would he be for then when he was never there?!) the first time he hit my husband over the head with a brush I cried with happiness. Anyway, we were sharing my sons trauma.

When my husband went back to work after lockdown he broke down at work saying he couldn’t leave us knowing how bad it was so it was agreed he would be part time too. So among us, there is only a day here or there where my children are looked after by relatives.

My husbands attitude has changed. He is now the family man he was with our daughter. He found the adoption so difficult that he hid away at work. He know acknowledges this had feels so much guilt but I understand it. I used work to hide too!

Prior to lockdown my husband only saw the happy, charming little mask that comes with trauma and attachment so although I told him what was happening, he couldn’t comprehend it until he was living it.

Anyway, with my husband on board, I felt support I hadn’t before. After breaking down to my social worker, we got play therapy (one session before lockdown!). I started counselling.

In august, I went to my GP regarding my sons behaviour and got a phone call within the week from the consultant at CAHMS asking to see us. Have you ever heard of such a thing?! For me, I felt validated. What my son was experiencing was trauma to the extreme and finally that was being recognised! We’ve started the assessment process.

He started school in August too. That’s been a bumpy ride and yet again struggling to I get him support there but he has his mum (and her army of social workers) finding his corner.

But in all of this, my son has flourished. He feels safe and happy and no longer hurts me. He loves me! We are all recognising when I’m he starts to dysregulate quicker so putting in strategies. He also dissociates a lot and again recognise this. I’ve been doing lots more reading and as I’ve gotten to know my son, can support him.

I know it’s a bumpy road ahead but I know we’ve got this as a family.

Hoping this update shows that it’s not all terrible and there is support out there.