Do your friends and children know you are adopted?

[OpeningACanOfWorms]

I am about to find out details about my birth mother. I know the society who dealt with my adoption has got my records and I just need to arrange the counselling date. Very few people know I am adopted. I feel I have been living a lie but most of the time it hasn't really mattered as often it is easy to change the subject or just be economical with the truth when certain subjects arise. In many ways as I have got to 40 without my friends knowing my background it seems easier to leave it that way. I get so annoyed when people label people as adopted even though it is totally irrelevant. For example, Lenny Henry and Dawn French's daughter always seems to be described as 'their adopted child' as if that is somehow an inferior parent/child relationship. My adoptive mum died recently and the thought of people thinking that we somehow had a lesser relationship because I was adopted really upsets me, although I know some people do think like this.
Obviously if I tell my children then the 'cat is out of the bag' but do I lie to them and they find out later in life - perhaps even when I've died and they are going through my things?!
Sorry about the rambling post. This started out as a quick question but lots of thoughts surfaced that I have ended up typing. I'd be really interested to hear your thoughts.

Your children obviously - not your friend's children

Couldn't agree with you more about the "adoptive parents" bit I have told my family that I will haunt them if DS is described as my "adopted son" in my obituary, which seems to be a popular place to distinguish between "real" and adopted children.

Whether you choose privacy regarding your adoption or openness is really your choice and I really wouldn't consider it a "secret" - I haven;t specified to my friends that I was born by vaginal delivery. I know that sounds flippant but as far as I am concerned its a method of arrival in a family. I know it has much bigger implications for you personally but as far as the wider world is concerned it really is a detail.

Personally I wouldn't lie to your children - at the very least not actively lie but at the end of the day its your choice.

My Aunt was adopted and she has always been open with everyone about her adoption - it really isn't considered any big deal just a fact of life.

In my (limited so far) experience, people who know you will not consider your relationship with your mum to be a lesser one because you were adopted, its generally only people who don't know you who might make assumptions.

if it makes you feel any better - the media does love a label, it's not just adoption.

i have asked my family not to mention my dd is adopted, it stops all the nosey questions.my dd adoption is not a secret and i am begining to talk about it more with her, shes 3, but i will leave it up to her when she is older to chose who she tells, my aunt adopted my cousin 30 years ago, she then had a baby naturally at the age of 45!no one mentioned in those days about adoption but to our surprise the birth child has only found out her sister is adopted, it has devastated her that no one told her.

Thank you for your response. I am always described by friends as being 'a bit of a closed book' (about lots of things not particularly my background) and a part of me wants to move on from that and be more open about things. I agree totally that one shouldn't lie to their children and I've always tried to be open with them. I think 3 things concern me about telling them:
1 Will this be the route by which everyone else gets to know my background. I can imagine DS1 casually dropping it into a piece of school work
2 My niece and nephew who I'm really close to (both teenagers) will know both their parents and I have kept things from them - I feel really uncomfortable about that.
3 Will any of my children, in that blunt matter of fact way that children are SO good at, innocently say something that could upset me or be a bit too close to the bone. For example, that I wasn't really their grandparents daughter (something I think my brother - their natural son) has always thought.

I am in many ways quite matter of fact about finding out about my past and was prepared for it. Suddenly its all the peripheral issues that seem complicated.

Had never thought about the obituries bit. I seem to have got away with that at their funerals.

people do say innapropriate things unfortunately, my own mother has described dd mother as her "real mother" which i find upsetting.maybe you could casually mention it in a talk about where we come from, u no the embarrasing sex thing? how old are your children? you should be honest as to why you didnt want to tell them, you could say its very private to you and you only feel comfortable talking about it now.

My children all know I am adopted and so do my friends. My brother on the other hand has probably not told many friends, though his children certainly know. I do think it is important for your children to grow up with the knowledge that their parent is adopted, I have one friend who did not find out that her mother was adopted until she was an adult and she found it initially quite difficult to come to terms with - especially the issue of not having a biological link to her grandparents.

if/when your children are old enough you can explain the difference between private and secret. Which is subtle but important in adoption I think.

I also dislike a lot of terminology that people use wrt adoption "real" and "natural" are two of mine simply because if the Birth parents are real and natural - does that make adoptiove parents/children pretend and unnatural? Most people don't mean anything by it though, and I just say "I prefer to say birth mother".

I don't tell people that DS was adopted but equally I don't hide it. I really don't have a problem with anyone knowing but don't know if he'll feel the same.

I suspect if you don't make a big deal of it with anyone that they will take your lead. Eg try to find a way to mention it to your niece and nephew in a natural way (no idea how?!) and let them ask whatever questions they want to. It will be good practice for discussing it with your children.

You should read some of the adoption literature about discussing adoption with a child that was adopted, it will probably give you some pointers. I don;t get the impression that your conversations with your paretns have given you much in the way of a role to follow.

Very sad your brother doesn't think you are their real daughter, as you are his sister and nothing will change that. As you know all relationships are formed by proximity, care, choice not by blood or hormones. Does he think of his wife as his "real" wife despite no blood connection (I hope!)

I had a baby adopted at birth almost 18 years ago, so from the other side of the coin I would say be sensitive to your birth mother on this issue of knowledge.

Some adopted people make contact with the birth mother and are surprised that their existence is not well-known, but it is a similar situation to the one you describe.

When I had my baby at the time everyone knew about it, but since then I have moved house 6 times, and continually made new friendship groups.

I have certainly never made a secret of his existence - my husband knows, my family know, my boys (8 and 10) know, and were told when they were very tiny. But it is, as kewcumber says a "private" matter. All my good, close friend do know, but acquaintances and work colleagues don't -simply because it isn't something that easily comes up in conversation really.

That doesn't mean to say that I don't think about him a lot, and talk about him to close friends.

Good luck with your search btw: hope it goes well for you.

Your messages are really helping me make sense of a difficult situation. I think the 'secrecy' issue is the thing that is really complicating matters for me. I remember when DH told me he had told his parents I was adopted. I was SO furious. I remember telling him it was about ME so it wasn't up to him to tell anyone. Perhaps this whole secrecy thing is that perhaps deep down I don't feel as though I do 'belong'. Hmmm, seems my posting name is correct NOW, never mind when I find out the information about my past...

My DD knows i am adopted - she is 7 and we can talk about it. My younger children dont yet simply because they are too young.

My close friends know - not sure if any of Dhs family do. i woudl be annoyed if he told them simply because its my information to give not his.

i dont think that adoptive parents should tell others that their child is adopted ( except where there is a need to know eg doctors). Its the child's information, not theirs. Though i realise that they have no control over others who knwo alreday, like family and neighbours

my dp is adopted and he didnt tell me till after he had met my family and id mmet his adoptive family and as he has got to know my family over the years he has started telling them he was adopted, he doesnt know if he will tell our dd when she old enough to know!
its personall choice i think your children may be upset if they find out later but if you choose to tell them after youve had the counselling etc then you know whats going on as children often ask the most open ended questions

The who/what to tell bit is a real dilemma. DS is mixed race (Eurasian) so we get confused looks all the time. I don't want to make it a big secret that he's adopted, in case he thinks it's something to hide, but then you get all the follow up questions.....and in Singapore (where we live) people are VERY nosey.

We were in Bangkok at the weekend and someone asked "Is that your real son?" Seems real enough to me ......

Good luck with whatever you decide.

My DS is central asian with a hint of European but as I'm single people just assume I have an Asian partner.

On a slightly frivolous note, a friend of mine has a DD who was adopted and they obviously have discussed the adoption (she's school age) and my friend was always keen to make sure she understood the concept of adoption. On her first day at school she came home and said to my friend excitedly "guess what mum, not everyone is adopted!". In her keen-ness to ensure her DD talked freely about her adoption it hadn't occured to her to explain that other children were not adopted!

Hello. I am adopted. My adoptive parents told me from when I was a baby and thus it has never been a problem. I always understood what 'adopted' meant and have always been happy to talk about it where necessary. If you grow up knowing, it should never be an 'issue'. It is just a part of who I am. I am now married with three children and have explained to them my history. Adoption should not be a secret from the adoptee's point of view.

I was adopted and must have been told when I was very young as I have always known.

My mum said that I used to tell everyone when I was very young so feels that she told me too young, but I think that because I always knew it has never been an issue for me.

Most of my friends now, I don't set out to tell them, but it has often come up during conversations etc.

I haven't told DD but she is only 3 but I guess I will tell her at some point, but not sure how far she will want to take it, as I guess it is her background also.

I had never been interested before but now I have a DD and someone did say to me what happens if DD wants to know more about your background later in life, I am thinking about looking into it etc but not sure how far to go.

I think there are two issues here. Firstly your right to deal with the knowledge (current and soon to be known) about your adoption in your own time, as a private matter. You seem from your post to recognise you need a measure of privacy about this and that is perfectly reasonable. You need to process the new info in your own time.

However, the second issue is about what your secrecy means to other people, and especially your family and close friends if it means you are effectively hiding info from them. There is a big difference between acknowledging you are adopted and outright lying because you don't want to start a conversation which leads you somewhere uncomfortable. The biggest issues I have known with other people's adoptions is not the very fact they are adopted but that those they thought were the closest and most trusted had in fact been hiding info from them.

I am adopted, have always known and have always been happy to answer questions from those close to me. That does not mean I introduce myself as 'Hello I am SBM and I am adopted'. Likewise, if I think people are prying I just say either I don't know or I don't want to talk about it.

I don't think it is as simple as who to tell and what, more about what info you should say to who that seems appropriate to both you and they.

People will think whatever they want - you can't control that - just try to be kind to yourself and those nearest to you. Whatever anyone else thinks of your reasoning, or changing their perception of you just need to get over it themselves - those that matter accept you for who you are not where you came from.

HTH

I've only just seen this. I was adopted as a baby and have always know about it - I was so little that I have no recollection of being told, I just always knew. I think my adoptive parents handled it all very well.

I have 6 year old twin girls and they also know I am adopted, it hasn't been a big deal really. It probably started when they were about 4, when they said something along the lines of "Daddy came out of Nana J's tummy, and Mummy came out of Nana M's tummy", and I corrected them saying that Nana M couldn't have children of her own so she chose me because my mummy couldn't look after me. My DD's were very matter of fact and disinterested to be honest. They've brought it up now and then but it is all just "normal" to them and that's how I want it to be. I think keeping these things secret and then blurting it out when they are older or turning it into a big thing is not the way to go.

Slight problem with my adoptive brother as he has never mentioned the fact that he is adopted to his sons who are now 12 and 14. I keep warning him that my DD's may well bring the subject up and this has upset him. But I cannot keep it a secret from my children because of his views.

I'm in the process of tracing my adoptive mother but haven't had much success with my social worker. I'm thinking of trying to trace her by a different route but not sure how to. I have googled "adoption" and "tracing" but so many companies come up, some asking for lots of money. Not sure who is genuine or not.

I may start a new thread about this!!

Anyway, rambling on . In answer to the original poster, I would just be honest with your children, they do just take things in their stride and after all it is nothing to be ashamed of. It's rather special IMO, we were specially chosen.

sandy - is it your birth mother you are trying to trace? Do you live in England? What kind of information do you have alreday eg do you have things like her name, date of birth , occupation, address at the time etc? Stuff that was on your original birth certificate?

Kristina - yes, my birth mother. I've just noticed I put adoptive mother earlier!

I live in England (London). My BM originates from Galway, Ireland. From the records I was given by the adoption agency it seems she came over to England during her pregnancy without telling any of her family that was was pregnant, had me and then returned to Ireland (she was 21). I have her birth certificate and I know her married name - she subsequently married a Scottish guy.

I've tried a couple of times to trace her through the adoption agency but my social worker seems to drag her feet too much, then too much time elapses and I kind of forget about it, then start it up again. I think I just want to pay someone to do it quickly.

sorry sandy, have just seen this. have you tried all teh usual routes eg birth records in Ireland and scotland ( to see ifs she's had subsequent children), occupationsl records ( if relevant), electoral rolls, phone book! etc

I still haven't resolved anything . I think one of my major difficulties is that I never felt 'part' of my adoptive family - even after nearly 40 years. I think some of this could be because of things that may have happened to me before I was adopted (I suspect some form of abuse - SEVERE unexplained scarring, etc.) I suspect this could have resulted in some sort of attachment problems, but obviously didn't know this is a child and instead I just felt like an 'outsider'.
It's hard enough me feeling that my relationship with my adoptive family was somehow 'inferior' with out others labelling me as the 'adopted' daughter. I know most people aren't like that but unfortunatly I do know some who make comments about adopted people, for example, "oh yes, the third daughter was the adopted one" without realising that they are making it sound (to me anyway) that the relationship is somehow a lesser one because of this.
By the way of course I am not saying that adoptive relationships are inferior but in my world perhaps it does feel like mine was because of my experiences .

Hiding it from friends has actually resulted in lots of lies. I'm sitting here reeling a bit thinking about the elaborate tales I have told people.
1 Severe scarring - my response - thrown through the car windscreen in a childhood accident
2 Born 100's miles away from adoptive bros and sisters - my response - father transferred with his job
3 Why I look nothing like my siblings (I hate that one as they are like peas in a pod) - my response - yeah, strange isn't it.
4 Why I don't have a middle name and the others do - my response - they ran out of names by the time they got to me!
5 Risk to my children when niece diagnosed with a terminal genetic condition - my response - statistically the chances of it happening to us are minute
6 Risk of breast cancer to me when my adoptive sister was diagnosed - my response - the doctors are keeping an eye on it

Oh shit - what am I going to do?