Do your friends and children know you are adopted?

[OpeningACanOfWorms]

I am about to find out details about my birth mother. I know the society who dealt with my adoption has got my records and I just need to arrange the counselling date. Very few people know I am adopted. I feel I have been living a lie but most of the time it hasn't really mattered as often it is easy to change the subject or just be economical with the truth when certain subjects arise. In many ways as I have got to 40 without my friends knowing my background it seems easier to leave it that way. I get so annoyed when people label people as adopted even though it is totally irrelevant. For example, Lenny Henry and Dawn French's daughter always seems to be described as 'their adopted child' as if that is somehow an inferior parent/child relationship. My adoptive mum died recently and the thought of people thinking that we somehow had a lesser relationship because I was adopted really upsets me, although I know some people do think like this.
Obviously if I tell my children then the 'cat is out of the bag' but do I lie to them and they find out later in life - perhaps even when I've died and they are going through my things?!
Sorry about the rambling post. This started out as a quick question but lots of thoughts surfaced that I have ended up typing. I'd be really interested to hear your thoughts.

most adoptive families hate the "adopted" label, I know I do. And I do accept that people who haven't experienced adoption withint their family might believe that it makes a difference - its one of the reasons why I think its perfectly reasonable that adoption can be kept private though not necessarily a secret.

You do sound well aware of the attachment and bonding issues which I hope will help you reconcile yourself to your adopted self. The fact that you felt like an outsider for much of your life doesn't mean that you were. How you feel is massively important and needs to be addressed but it doesn't necessarily make it true. On a slightly flippant example (becasue I can't think of a better one just now) it's a bit like women who moan about being overweight when its patently obvious to everyone that there's nothing wrong with them. They feel fat, it doesn't mean they are.

have you talked to anyone about your feelings of difference?

You don't need to feel guilty about lying to friends. It's entirely your choice - you may never want your friends to know and the odd white lie isn't going to hurt anyone. It relaly doesn;t matter - don;t beat yourself up about it.

I think you need to resolve your own feelings first and find a way to talk to your family about it before worrying about what/if to tell your friends.

Have you thought of reading the books available now to adoptive parents, it may help you develop responses which you feel happy with without sharing with the world in general your adopted status.

I used to be close friends with a girl who was adopted, she hated the idea of telling people and was really annoyed when her brother told everyone, I think she even said he was lying some times (he was known for fabricating anyway so people tended to believe her).
She chose when to tell people and when she had met her birth father a few times we all got to know the whole story.
She was a good friend, and as we all cared about her, no-one really cared that she hadn't told us at the beginning, I think most of us just wished she had felt able to confide in us when she was going through something as big as finding her birth parents.

I think even at 42 if one of my oldest friends broke the news that they were adopted, I would be surprised but it wouldn't make a big difference to me. Like many things in life, it just isn't as big a deal if it isn't happening to you - so I really wouldn;t worry about your friends.

not read all of teh posts so apologies if repeating info already given- i was adopted and dont make a secret of it but neither broadcast it - if the subject comes up inconversation i tell my story so all my close friends know , some colleagues and dd1 has known for sometime . havent got round to telling dd2 yet as she is only 5 and i dont think will understand but certainly will be telling her soonish i think . one of her classmates was adopted and they all had a big party when the adoption order was made so that gives a good opening to tell her my story. i hate secrets and i think if i witheld this information that it would give teh impression that it was somehow a bad thing when for me nothing could be further from the truth

I knew you would be along with your usual good advice . I know (with my logical head on) that I probably wasn't treated that differently from the others. As I got older though I was very aware that my parents were ones for having 'causes'. In the best possible way and very genuine. My adoptive dad was a vicar and my mum an old fashioned vicar's wife. Both dedicating themselves to the community and various causes. I almost feel like I was one of those causes.
I'm sure I'm sounding a bit petulant now but I could never understand if they'd made the decision to have 3 birth children and adopt me, why we were always 'pushed out' by other causes that they subsequently became involved with. They could see that from a very young age I found life difficult so why didn't they dedicate more of their time to me?
My adoptive mum died earlier this year and when I was going through some papers I found a reply to a letter that my dad had written to someone when I was about 15. The letter said, "I am sorry to hear that OpeningACanOfWorms continues to have problems with relationships but it is pleasing that she is academically bright"
I really feel that this is living up to my name too much because I feel that I really have opened a can of worms. And that's BEFORE I receive any info from the adoption society!

pipsqueak - it is so good to hear of stories where being adopted isn't an issue to people. I am so glad adoption has been such a good experience for you but I think for me that perhaps hasn't been the case. Obviously it was much better than staying with perhaps abusive birth parents/abusive foster parents and I am so grateful for that. However, there has always been problems with me trusting people and opening up to them. Perhaps I have put this down to being adopted but I guess it could be due to other reasons.
It wasn't until I had my own DCs that I felt that I had a family to which I truly belonged.

VictorianSqualor - I too very much identify with yoour friend's feelings when her brother told people. I feel that the information is 'mine' and I decide what happens to it. I was FURIOUS when DH told his parents because firstly I didn't think it was relevant to anything in our relationship but mostly because it wasn't his information to broadcast.

OpeningACanOfWorms, I think it's all too easy for people who were not adopted to think that the adoptive life must have the most wonderful childhood possible, because they were adopted.
However, I found out (through the same friend) that isn't always the case, and I think that was something else she found hard to talk about, almost as if saying she was adopted made all her other problems through childhood evaporate and become unimportant.

Openingacanofworms - in many ways I do not feel qualified to comment on what is a big decision. However, one thing I would say is that the whole concept of adoption/being adopted does not just have an effect on the person adopted. My Nana was adopted (and only found out when aged 7 in the school playground when a cousin told her) and she was adamant that her real parents were her adopted parents and she really did not want to know about her birth family. However, my dad and, in particular, my uncle have found it quite hard not knowing where they came from iyswim - particularly since she died recently and they feel that that is almost the end of that part of the family.
I think what I am trying to say (?!) is not knowing and finding out later can be an issue whereas just making it a normal part of life could be easier - and there has been lots of really good advice to that end on this thread (I like the story of the child who assumed that most children were adopted!!)

"I could never understand if they'd made the decision to have 3 birth children and adopt me, why we were always 'pushed out' by other causes"

Thats a really interesting statement and it sounds to me much more like an issue with your parents ability to give time to their children than with your being adopted. You say "we were pushed out" - do your sibling feel the same way?

I certainly don't think being adopted is a cure for a any child. Being adopted adds an extra dimension for any child to deal with and I imagine makes the trauma's of the teenage years that little bit more difficult. I'm sure if your parents were emotionally unavailable at that time it would make thing all the more hard.

Being adopted is a route into a family - it isn't a guarantee that life is forever more going to be roses. It doesn't make parents who adopt any better at parenting - people sometimes ask me what being a mother is like and how it is different to what I thought. Generally I say "I am nothing like as good a parent as I thought I would be".

For what (little) its worth I would be equally furious with your Dh - I get equally cross when my mum tells people DS is adopted in situations when she really doesn;t need to say anything. He is a different race to me and most people know he is adopted but if complete strangers ask I just say his father is Kazakh (true!) - the perfect combination of truth and disinformation!