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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Social services

67 replies

Freddy3006 · 07/10/2019 21:42

My auntie has legal guardianship of my son she has done since May this year i went through a really rough time and didn't cooperate with social witch I now regret I have another child oon the way but the father on this child has been convicted of murder but he didn't do it is there any chance social will take this child away or will they let me keep it. I'm in alot better place than I was then and think I'm in the right space of mind to cooporate this time please any advise would be great

OP posts:
savethebeestoday · 09/10/2019 13:39

I have to agree with Chloe9 I’m afraid.

I really want this to all work out for you, but it’s just not going to.

You lost you other child 5 months ago, then started a relationship with a convicted murderer, and are now pregnant.

I don’t think SS will see this as being very stable, in fact I think it will raise a lot of concerns, especially if you are believing from your partner he is innocent.

They will question your life choices, your priorities, and also your disbelief in the system and law.

If you really want to keep your baby you MUST leave him. You must put your baby first. Your baby must be your number one priority.

There are mother/baby units out there that can help you keep your baby, but you have to be willing to do everything SS says, jump through hoops and tow the line.
I’m not saying they will take your baby, but they will be watching you, and if they think you’re putting your baby at risk then they will take action.

Also, 5 months is not long enough for you to even know your partner, not really. Nor is it long enough for you to be fine and have your life back on track.

Please listen to the other posters, your baby is your priority now, and you need to do all you can to keep him/her, and that does mean leaving your partner.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 09/10/2019 13:43

Yeah you've been with him 5 minutes and whether you like to admit it or not he's been found GUILTY of a serious crime - he won't be getting out anytime soon presumably which puts you in the vulnerable position of being a single parent which I would think SS will take a dim view of given the history

It's only been 5 months since your son has been gone and in that time you've gotten pregnant by a convicted murderer? Sorry to be harsh but when you write it down like that I can't see SS being on your side with this one?

Original poster
Freddy3006 · 09/10/2019 18:29

He's all ready out he's done his time I understand it's a serious crime but I also believe he didn't do it

OP posts:
sassygromit · 09/10/2019 18:43

OP I think that the issue here is not just to do with doing what social services want, it is also understanding why and you being able to make difficult decisions using your own judgement in the future. To most of us reading this, you are taking a tremendous risk putting so much faith in a man you have only known a few months, having a baby with him. The fact that he has spent ten years in jail makes it more risky, his conviction even more so.

Would you mind if I just ask - how old are you? I have assumed early twenties and the man you have met is mid thirties? And also are you able to give a bit more detail about why your dc went to your aunt, and do you see them regularly? Where would you live if you didn't stay with this man? You don't have to answer obviously but it would make it easier to try to give you helpful advice.

Ted27 · 09/10/2019 18:48

Why do you believe he didn't do it ? Because he told you? Miscarriages of justice are quite rare.
But even without this as an issue, SWs will be looking for long term stability. The facts are that you are pregnant by a man you have known for 5 months. Its not a long term established, stable relationship.
I have never met an adopter who doesn't believe a child is better off in a birth family that can care for them properly. I admire your determination, I really do. You seem to have taken some positive steps. Two birth parents who have lost children are telling you that 5 months isnt long enough. Noone is going to tell you that this man is a not a problem.
You can choose to accept or reject the advice that you have received and accept the consequences

Chloe9 · 09/10/2019 18:52

@Freddy3006

Was it related to domestic violence? Was he very young at the time? Were there any mitigating factors? Did he serve his full term, or did he get released early due to good behaviour? Has he shown a sustained and committed effort to a crime free life such as gaining employment, addressing any drug, drink or mental health issues, and/or being an active member in a community such as a church? How long has he been out? Does he have any other previous criminal history, including cautions? Social services will be making a risk assessment based on all of these elements and more I've missed I'm sure. Unfair as it may seem, his family history will also be taken into consideration, and his parent and any siblings relationships and there standing in society and the community, and the role that they will play in the child's life, and whether they can offer a stable environment for contact etc. They would expect you to separate from him at Least for the foreseeable future so that they can make an appropriate risk assessment. The outcome may be that he is not allowed contact with the child at all, or that he can play a full father role, or anything else in between.

Social services can not tell you to break up, but they can decide that the relationship is too risky for a child to be bought into, so I would consider that you probably have one choice here, him or the baby. I would consider staying with him too much of a gamble otherwise, but ultimately that is up to you and while we can advise you we cannot make the decision for you.

OurChristmasMiracle · 09/10/2019 19:04

I actually think social services will be looking at the fact that 5 months ago when your existing child was placed with your aunt under a SGO because you was in poor mental health you made the decision to enter into a relationship with a convicted murderer- murder being a violent crime- and it being murder means he had intent to kill someone- it wasn’t even manslaughter so it would have been a very violent crime. You may have sought help for your mental health and you might think it’s improved but you don’t sound able to make sound judgments. Your partner has been out for 2 years which is fine but realistically you were 4 months into a relationship when you got pregnant (I’m assuming you are 4 weeks at least), when you were also probably very vulnerable, I know I was 5 months after my son was placed for adoption.

It’s not sustained positive changes and they will want to know what you have done to deal wirh the trauma of your child not living with you. They will also want to question why you only see your son once a month for a short amount of time. Are you trying to build up the amount of time you spend with your son? Have you asked for more contact?

Babyonway12 · 09/10/2019 19:06

I'm 24 my son got taken away from me because I got done for asaulting my ex witch I didn't actually do I was also wrongly convicted if I St idnt stay with my current bf I would have to move as I live with him.

Babyonway12 · 09/10/2019 19:16

The court granted once a month when it gets reviewed I will b requesting for more but I can't do it untill that point he was living with my auntie for 9 months b4 this as she had to foster him first I know you all think I'm stupid staying with my bf but I really do love him if they give me the choice him or the baby obviously ill chose the baby but I'm going to see what they say about him first as when I explain he was wrongly accused they might b OK he has no previous convictions or anything since so they can c he's a decent guy

Chloe9 · 09/10/2019 19:22

How old is he?

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 09/10/2019 19:38

I see you've changed your name......you're not helping yourself OP.......so now you are living with the man you've known 5 Months and are now pregnant by??? Your son was barely out of your custody before you are pregnant with another?

Miscarriages of justice are incredibly rare for a crime like murder - even for murder a sentence of 10 years is a long time - I've known people convicted of murder who served less so the crime must have been particularly horrific. Did he plead guilty or innocent out of interest???

flapjackfairy · 09/10/2019 19:40

Well if you also have a conviction for a violent offence that is another thing that will go against you going forward sad to say.

savethebeestoday · 09/10/2019 19:43

Adding the fact you have assaulted your ex isn’t helping your situation...

Can you say why the murder happened?
I mean murder is murder, but I’m worried you think having served 10 years for killing someone, and having no previous convictions since, makes him a decent guy....

I would also be interested to know how old he is. I would say older, mid-late 40’s?

OP, please don’t think we’re getting at you, we’re all just trying to be realistic and manage your expectations of what may happen.

Original poster
Freddy3006 · 09/10/2019 19:45

He pleaded innocent because he is innocent yes I changed my name as I have family members on here witch don't know I'm pregnant

OP posts:
sassygromit · 09/10/2019 20:09

Where would you live if you left? How would you support yourself? Do you have people who would help you? Are you close to your aunt? What will she think about you being pregnant?

OurChristmasMiracle · 09/10/2019 20:19

So you’ve met and moved in with a partner leaving yourself dependant on him in less than 5
Months and have no where else to live if you leave him?

Have you asked for parenting courses in your local area? Intensive counselling? A support worker?

Honestly you haven’t told your family you are pregnant- why not? What support have you got access to? Social services will also be looking at that as well.

maxiflump1 · 09/10/2019 20:20

Op a murder conviction is a conviction for the most serious crime there is. A social worker is not going to accept he didn't do it when he's been convicted in a court of law. I highly doubt the murder is his only conviction.....interestingly you don't say what kind of murder it was: was it domestic related, a drunken street fight on a Saturday night, a robbery/drug deal gone wrong. The circumstances will massively affect the risk assessment.

I have worked for a number of years in safeguarding. You are going to have to accept that you are going to face an extreme amount of scrutiny and if I'm totally honest given what you've told us I think it's unlikely you will be able to keep this child under the current circumstances.Please cooperate with everything you are asked to do and be honest with professionals. And accept that you may have to chose this baby over this man.

sparkly40 · 09/10/2019 20:36

Social services will deal with facts not what you think...
The fact of the matter is he was convicted for 10 years ...

You will not keep this baby if you stay with him ...

You have a choice to make .

namechange4052 · 09/10/2019 20:47

There is no way that you will be able to keep this baby unless you make changes very quickly.

This is what social services will be worried about:

  • less than 6 months ago, your older child was removed from your care. You didn't make the changes you needed to for them to be returned.
  • you very quickly entered into a relationship with a new partner and very quickly became pregnant.
  • your partner is a convicted murderer
  • you believe your partner is innocent despite the fact that he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Clearly he isn't innocent and you blindly believing him despite barely knowing him does not bode well. It shows you can't act as a protective parent.
  • you are planning to stay in a relationship with him until the final hour rather than prioritising your unborn child's needs (or older child's needs).
Haffdonga · 09/10/2019 22:31

It really makes no difference if your partner was wrongly convicted or not. What matters is that social services believe it and legally he is a violent criminal.

If you want any chance of keeping this baby you need to make enormous changes to your life right now, before the baby is born. The first change must be to separate completely from your partner.

I hope for your baby's sake you listen to the advice on this thread.

NoSauce · 10/10/2019 06:17

I think the fact you got pregnant so quickly after your son was removed by a violent man who’s been in prison for murder will be enough alone to prove to SS that you haven’t changed OP.

I don’t think there’s any chance you will be keeping baby.

darkriver19886 · 10/10/2019 08:03

OP I understand the pain of losing children to adoption but, having another child will not cure that pain until you have dealt with it all.

5 months after my children were freed from adoption, I had met my therapist for the first time. I have been seeing her for a year now and only just starting to get into the trauma. 5 months is not enough time.

dump the murderer, go to the council and report yourself as homeless and get some support. If you dont do this then you will not keep your child.

Also how do you think your son would feel when they were older.

clairedelalune · 10/10/2019 08:58

*This is what social services will be worried about:

  • less than 6 months ago, your older child was removed from your care. You didn't make the changes you needed to for them to be returned.
  • you very quickly entered into a relationship with a new partner and very quickly became pregnant.
  • your partner is a convicted murderer
  • you believe your partner is innocent despite the fact that he was sentenced to 10 years in prison. Clearly he isn't innocent and you blindly believing him despite barely knowing him does not bode well. It shows you can't act as a protective parent.
  • you are planning to stay in a relationship with him until the final hour rather than prioritising your unborn child's needs (or older child's needs).*

^ this. And that you also have a conviction for assault which you are denying.
You have to show significant and sustainable change but your time frames atm don't do this. Prioritise the baby.

herecomesthespiderbrooch · 10/10/2019 09:30

I agree with everything that's been said here.

Essentially, you're not going to be able to parent this baby.

How many weeks are you? Is termination an option?

00100001 · 10/10/2019 11:46

wait...

what?

You had a child removed in MAY (eg 5 months ago) partly because you didn't co-operate with SS for some unknown reason.

and you've been with this guy five months...since May? But he wasn't around when child one was removed... so you have been with him about 5 months maximum... and you're already pregnant with his child?

Christ on a bike. You don't know this man. But you know he's innocent of murder... yet you're choosing to have a child with him? Presumably you aren't 5 months pregnant, so must have been having nprotected sex with him for a fair while, and from ealry on in the relationship.

I fail to see how you can show you're in a stable situation and are showing to make good choices... you can't have known this man any more than 150 days, and likely fewer, as presumably you don't spend every single day together all day... :/

... people baffle me.

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