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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

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Original poster

Adoption disrupted

72 replies

topcat2014 · 02/10/2019 06:35

My child went back to foster carers after 7 weeks. Haven't felt pain like it

OP posts:

SFCA · 03/10/2019 23:48

I am so sorry to hear this. Really hope you are ok and taking it easy on yourself 💐

EightWellies · 04/10/2019 06:00

Just wondering how you're doing Topcat. We're here if you want to unload.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 04/10/2019 06:57

Thanks for the comments. They are helping

OP posts:

DashOfMagic · 04/10/2019 09:28

All here for you @topcat2014 are you feeling supported in real life?

I would recommend GP to get some counselling sorted as soon as you can - it’s an awful and unusual situation with a huge emotional toll, and you need to offload and get some support to cope. Don’t let weeks and months go by and be drowning thinking it’s something you should just be able to deal with. xx

EmbarrassingMama · 04/10/2019 12:48

I hope you're okay Topcat.

jellycatspyjamas · 04/10/2019 12:50

I’ve only just seen this, I’m so very sorry for your loss.

Serenity45 · 04/10/2019 15:59

I've been thinking about you a lot TopCat. Glad it helps to know we're here. Just take things slowly

DLouise2004 · 04/10/2019 21:32

I am so sorry TopCat, I hope you are ok. I am sending you and your family huge hugs as I know this decision would have been so difficult. Always here if you want to chat x

Drizzzle · 04/10/2019 21:41

Really sorry to hear that, so sorry.

Strugglingmum73 · 05/10/2019 08:03

I’m so sorry. How are you doing? Thinking of you and your family and hoping you have lots of kind and supportive people around you.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 05/10/2019 08:18

People don't really know what to say. It is a bit like a bereavement, partly of course for the future I will not have. Doubly hard because it wasn't my desired outcome. Having said that each day is a little easier slightly.

OP posts:

darkriver19886 · 05/10/2019 08:25

People don't really know what to say. It is a bit like a bereavement, partly of course for the future I will not have.

I know how you feel here in a different way. It is a bereavement. Please take it easy and I agree about getting some therapy or counselling. x

user1471555041 · 05/10/2019 08:59

We had counselling through PAC, they were a lifesaver for us x
www.pac-uk.org/

Moominmammaatsea · 05/10/2019 10:11

@topcat2014 I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and the situation in which you now find yourself. I'm glad that the support and advice you are receiving on this board are helping you, especially as you say that your real life family and friends are struggling to know what to say or how to be around you,

I haven't really got anything to add to all the excellent advice you have received up thread, but I wondered

a) if it might be worth you writing down a narrative of everything that happened from matching/placement to the child being removed from your care, as you say, against your wishes. It may very well be that as part of the grieving process, you become angry and wish to complain about how you - and the child - have been treated by the system. Or it may be that you decide you wish to move forward with adoption and be considered for matches with another child, in which case your narrative would be helpful in future discussions with matching social workers?

b) would you consider asking if you could write a 'farewell' letter to the child, expressing how much you had hoped to become their forever parent and your sorrow that they are now experiencing another loss, but that your greatest wish now is that they go on to live their best possible life? Such a letter would probably be kept on file till the age of 18, when many of our young people opt to access their earlier life records.

Sending you my very best wishes.

sassygromit · 05/10/2019 11:51

I am very sorry to hear that, OP. Fault doesn't really come into it - just learning from it all and making it better if you can.

alwaysdressedinyellow · 05/10/2019 18:39

So so sorry to hear this. No one really knows how difficult this journey can be unless they are in your shoes. Look after yourself.

BarcelonaFreddie · 06/10/2019 00:42

I'm sorry to pry, but what happened? Please feel free to ignore me if this is something you don't want to talk abut.
I dang imagine how you are feeling just now, but I wish to send you hope, strength and positivity.
I hope in the future that you can have another chance.

Original poster

topcat2014 · 06/10/2019 09:43

Dw couldn't cope whereas I thought we would manage. Sat waiting for fc to arrive to collect rest of stuff

OP posts:

LittleLongDog · 06/10/2019 10:20

Is there any counselling/therapy you could both have to help you through this if you needed it?

I’m really glad that every day is starting to feel easier. Don’t panic if some days or moment of the day are harder than others.

jellycatspyjamas · 06/10/2019 10:27

It’s really difficult - I know I found the early weeks much much more difficult than my DH, there were lots of reasons for that and I did think at one point we might not make it. He’s had a huge adjustment to make but that only came when I said I really really wasn’t coping and couldn’t see my life being this way without a lot of help. At that time I remember telling a friend I was surprised that more adoptions didn’t disrupt in those early stages - it’s a massive shock to all concerned and it’s hard to find the right support.

I’m sorry it ended this way, the pain must be incredible and I guess your DW will be in her own place with it all too. Go gently with yourself and with each other.

BarcelonaFreddie · 06/10/2019 10:36

I'm so sorry. Please be kind to yourself and to each other.

jingscrivenshelpmaboab · 06/10/2019 11:19

So so sorry to hear this topcat, what a terrible thing for all of you. Agree with previous advice re getting counselling when you are ready. Just take things one day at a time, you have the strength to get through this - the adoption process takes strength, resilience and tenacity, so know that you have these, even if it doesn't feel like it at the moment.

Sending lots of positive thoughts your way.

Italiangreyhound · 06/10/2019 12:23

topcat2014 I am so sorry.

Do you have support? Please look after yourself.

I cannot imagine how hard this must be.

DashOfMagic · 06/10/2019 18:22

Hi topcat really sorry to hear this it must be incredibly hard for both you and your wife that you were not on the same page. You must be heart broken. I can also empathise with her and am sure you must be able to as well. As Jellycat said there are lots of reasons why it might be harder for one or the other of you; like who LO was becoming more attached to, who was going to be the main carer. If you struggled with infertility or had been waiting to start a family for a long time having a traumatised and difficult 7yr old with a fully formed and unfamiliar personality might have looked very different from what she’d been dreaming about when reality hit.

It’s such a tough situation but NOT the fault of you or your wife. You may have been right and you’d be able to manage it or maybe your wife was right and things would have got worse. It’s a terrible choice to have on your conscious and really more up to the social workers involved to bear that responsibility. They are aware these things do happen and they don’t foresee it because everyone involved was so positive and well prepared, but should be learning more all the time to try and prevent it during the matching stage.

I agree with the idea down thread to write a letter to LO. This will without a doubt have a huge effect on them so I’m not trying to downplay but please try to focus on some minor positives - the LO went back to the same FC and they may now also be able to reinstate contact with birth family.

I hope I haven’t overstepped with anything I’ve said. Stay strong I’m glad to hear each day is a bit better and hope you and your wife can move forward together x

Rainatnight · 06/10/2019 22:58

I’m so sorry, topcat. No advice to offer on top of the wise words already on this thread, but to you.

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