Adoption disrupted

[topcat2014]

My child went back to foster carers after 7 weeks. Haven't felt pain like it

I'm so sorry, @topcat2014. I just lurk here occasionally as I've got friends who've adopted their children, and I've always found this board very wise about parenting, but I wanted to say I've always thought your posts were insightful, and you have my total sympathy and respect at this awful time. Very best wishes.

Just checking in Topcat. I imagine you're still trying to process what's happened. You've been through a huge shock and I hope you and your wife are able to express your grief / let your emotions out.

Been thinking of you Topcat. I won't say I hope you're ok, because I'm sure you're not, but I do hope you're getting enough support x

Hi OP.

I just want to say that we too suffered a disruption two years ago. You're not alone, although I know it can feel like it. There was a Facebook group called 'Adoption Disruption UK' or something similar that I found helpfu;l - I've since left Facebook for other reasons, but they might be worth a look.

I would also echo what others have said about counselling - we were offered a derisory amount of counselling through PAC, it just wasn't worth it. But now, two years later I think we would have been better off having it, as I am harboring some resentments towards DH over the whole thing.. I think they're unreasonable resentments, but I think airing them would do us good. Similar to you, we had a mismatch in our perceived ability to cope, which shifted between us but ultimately it was decided we couldn't. It was devastating at the time, but looking back on it I'm so grateful to the social workers for advising disruption, we were totally out of our depth and I'm certain it wouldn't have worked out.

Thanks, nice to hear from others in similar circumstances

Not crying too much now, although did have to leave my office for a bit yesterday with red eyes..bit embarrassing as a man in a senior job..

Nothing to be embarrassed about at all . It must be v hard emotionally for you and your wife. It is a major bereavement and loss of the future you had planned and dreamed of. It will take time x

Trying to fight off depression atm. Managing usual daily tasks like work and shopping. Trying to keep normal life going for dd. Helping with beavers this morning was v hard as little man would have loved it.

Sorry topcat this must be so hard for you. You say your wife was the one who couldn't cope whereas you though you could? I am guessing you are at work though and your wife is the one at home?
I hope you are able to see her pov as well so that this doesn't damage your marraige irreparably. I am sure this decision was hard for both of you.

The hardest bit was the decision being taken in a couple of days, just by her really. We may have ended up in the same situation anyway, I suppose.

I think you would really benefit from counselling and working through this as a couple because as hiding says above you need to protect your marriage from being damaged by these events. You must have a huge mix of emotions going on and if left to fester they may cause a breach in your relationship. And you have another child to look after in the midst of this as well. How is she coping with it all ?
I really feel for you all x

Topcat, I know of a family who had to pull out of an adoptive placement on final day of intros. They were similar to ourselves with a birth child. It was one of the partners that felt that it was not right to continue. She felt that it was not a right match for everyone involved and just could not continue with it. Her partner did not feel the same way but 100 percent supported her. His heart was broken, but he said that the three of them (DD and them) were like a three legged stool. If all three legs are not strong and in place then it is useless. While he wanted to continue he realised that unless everyone was strong and sure then it was pointless. I agree with the flapjack and urge you to seek joint counselling so that you grieve this decision together.

@topcat2014 Just checking in to see how you are doing? X

Starting counselling tomorrow. Doing a letter over half term to send to AC

Hope counselling goes ok tomorrow topcat, will be thinking of you both

I am going on my own. But it did help. We are both in a different place unfortunately

Glad that the counselling is helping. Remember it’s just like a bereavement and you need time and space to grieve individually and as a family.

Sending and

Glad that the counselling is helping, it really helped me. I don’t know if you have been given any guidance on what to write in your letter to AC but in ours we made it very clear that it wasn’t their fault and that the grown ups were responsible. We also focused on some positive memories too. It will be on their file for when they are older.

Going away for half term, first holiday post disruption. Will be hard for me as 'AS' would have been coming. I am sure he is having a great time with FC though

Thinking of you and your family @topcat2014, how have you been since the first counselling session? Can I ask how your wife and BC are getting on too? Don’t answer if you don’t want to though.

I hope the break, despite being bittersweet in some ways, allows you a rest and to have some time together.

Your pain and sadness is clear to see. Enjoy the time together and make memories even if it’s bittersweet and not what you had planned. Thinking of you and your family.

Counselling is ok. Bit like grief counselling. BC have accepted situation, which is good. DW seems fine. Just me with the burden of it. Hopefully a few more weeks of counselling will help further.