Positive adoption stories please

[OnTheJourney]

I am about to start stage 1 of the adoption process and most of the time I feel positive about it. That is, until I start reading - books, articles, blogs, tweets - all make adoption sound very hard work, very high risk and potentially dangerous.

Now I'm not expecting it to be easy but stories of people having to give up work, sell their homes and move to manage financially, being physically and verbally abused (even to the extent of bring fearful that they will be stabbed), behavioural issues, education issues, health issues, substance abuse issues...the list goes on.

I know most children eligible for adoption will come from homes where they've suffered trauma and I don't expect parenting, let alone being a single parent of an adopted child, to be easy but I can't help being scared off by what I read.

Are these typical experiences or worst case scenarios? I can handle the latter but am really starting to question whether I can knowingly jump into the former. Grateful to hear experiences of those who've taken the plunge.

We waited nearly a year to get matched after being approved but that's because our little girl hadn't been born yet! Cheesy but I had to belive the right child was going to come to us. We did foster to adopt and she was placed at 3 months old. We are considering a second child just over 2 years later

Best advice I can give is be very honest with what you feel and what you can deal with. It is very tempting to say yes to everything in the process to please social workers to speed up things. And good luck! Best thing we ever did, as it is for many of our friends who have adopted.

We adopted a 9 month old 6 years ago and we're just going through the final stages of adopting a 4yr old at the moment.
Having been through the process twice, I can promise you that you are told worst case scenarios during the preparation stage so that you don't approach it with rose tinted glasses on. You also need to remember that the 'yes, it went well' stories don't really get published - just the 'omg' ones.
Yes it can be hard but so can raising a birth child. It is totally worth it.
Good luck x

The horror stories weed out the weak.

It can be so bloody amazing. My DS is 2.5 and has been with us since just after he turned one. Our day to day life is no different whatsoever to any other family. He is funny and intelligent and happy and the absolute light of my life. I went back to work full time ten months after he came home, DH also works full time, and he settled into nursery wonderfully. He also spends a day a week with my dad, and I work from home a couple of days and he is with me then.

It has been the best decision I ever made to adopt my son.

I think we should remember that those 'horror' stories are the lives of real families.
Adoption is hard work, it is a risk, but that does not mean its not positive for either the child or the parents.
My son is 15, he came to me at 7. Right now things look very positive, he is a fairly average stroppy, love sick teenager, albeit one who needs more support than his mates. But its been hard getting to this point. We have had some very good times, and some very dark times. Age 11 -13 was very tough, we had theraputic input which was traumatic for both of us. But we came through to this point.
I know adopters who have experienced all of what you describe, I've experienced a lot of it myself. I know adopters who have experienced no great challenges, I know lots of adopters who bumble along like me somewhere in the middle. Many people do ok until the teen years hit. Thats why its a risk, you never know which group you are going to fall into.
as a single adopter my advice to you is to think very carefully about the following
work and finances - do you get a good adoption leave package, many SWs want a year. Could you afford to go part time. How flexible is your employer. I do Ok financially but I adopted in the days when adoption allowances were more available and this is what enables me to work part time. But we live in a very modest house, I don't drive a car, my pension has taken a hit. If I had to I would have worked full time, but I think it would have been a huge struggle at times, as it is I've had time off for stress. I also changed my job pre adoption. I loved my job, but I had to travel a lot within the region. It would have been very difficult as a single parent. I went into the civil service - better pay, terms and conditions, flexible working, no weekends/bank holidays etc.
support network - doesnt necessarily mean loads of family and friends for on tap baby sitting. I have got by with very little practical support day to day, but emotional and moral support has been amazing, emergency support is there, and I've made many many new friends along the way.
age of child - its been much easier for me with a school age child, easier to work, easier to get out and about, childcare costs much lower.
childcare - linked to age of child and finances. pre school childcare is expensive. Even if you have a school age child there are 13 weeks of holidays to cover, plus inset days, random snow days, days when your child is ill.
Adoption is hard, single parenting is hard. But lots of us do it. But you need to know the risks. To be honest, I've seen too many adoptive parents over the years shutting out all of those 'horror' stories, too much focusing on their little angels/princess/prince and they have been unprepared for the realities.
In adoption world you sometimes have to reframe what success or positive is. I love my son with all my heart, I don't regret adopting him for a minute. From where we are sitting now, it all looks positive, but what a slog to get here.

You have to remember that the people who end up in the press, or asking for lots of advice on message boards, are the ones in most need.
The families for whom everything is OK potter off into the sunset without needing to reach out so much to other adopters.

You have to think what you can realistically cope with and try to avoid higher risk situations.
Prepare for the worst but hope for the best.
Know one really knows how any individual child will be, but you don't know that with birth children either.

I think (as a mum to a birth child with autism who is 14 and an adopted child of 9) that all parenting is bloody hard work and has some degree of risk.

I think that approaching adoption should be because this is the best option for you. Either because you want to parent by adoption or you have tried having a child another way and come to this as the only/last/best choice.

I never think adoption is an easy option or straight forward choice, it is not.

The advice here is brilliant and clear.

We are five years in and counting and so far things have been good. Not easy but good. Our adopted child can be hard work but so can our birth child.

I think it is really important to know why you want to adopt and to be prepared to take the risks. On the way to adoption we tried multiple types of fertility treatment, I really mean just about everything you can try. I really wanted to parent (again) and adoption for us was our last/best/only option. I would not swap our son for anything.

The so-called horror stories are real, (luckily not for us) and they affect a proportion, I think a relatively small proportion, of adopters.

As others have said, no one writes about a great adoption story as news so these terrible stories hit the headlines because they are dramatic.

What you can do is:
Go in with your eyes open
Ask lots of questions
Read up (a lot) I found the internet easier than books but then I am dyslexic
Be very clear about what you can accept/think you can handle
the children do not know you are saying no and better to say no to a condition/situation than a yes that you cannot actually accommodate
ALWAYS ask for, and get, all the support you can for you and your child need

Good luck.

I don't know any adopters who haven't said it was the best thing they've ever done.

I don't think parenting is easy or risk free. But it is amazing!

But what is a 'positive ' story. I happen to think I have a very positive story to tell. But I'm not prepared to gloss over the not so positive stuff. Lives are not static. I heard the most amazing news this week about a family who have been through the very worst , 8 years of sheer misery and hell. The 'professionals ' wrote them off. The now young adult child is now moving forward very positively with their life. I think that's amazing, but if you looked at the previous 8 years you would think what a disaster.

It does seem sad that the negative side gets stressed so much with adoption.
When someone gets pregnant they're not usually asked "What if they turn out to be a drug addict?" "What if they turn out to be a layabout?" Yet people who adopt seem to be subject to all this.

I’m a single parent, 7 years post placement. I’d say me and DD were a ‘positive’ adoption story but there have been many challenges on the way.

Loads of great advice from the others which I’d agree with. If you get a good SW they will really probe you as to what you feel you can and can’t cope with, I’d say don’t be tempted to underplay what you think you can handle.

Being a lone parent is hard and a great support network (emotional as well as practical) is essential. Over the years my support network has shifted and grown considerably. Sometimes support comes from the least likely sources.

On paper my DD was an ‘easy’ child. She is utterly delightful but we have had many many issues with sleep, anxiety and attachment come to the fore over the years. None of these were ‘foreseen’ by the SW. In addition we’re now investigating ADD and she’ll certainly need significant support at secondary. We’ve had to access support from the post adoption team and the ASF.

Nonetheless, being her mum has been the biggest joy of my life so far, and adopting her is without doubt the best thing I ever did. We are currently snuggled up on the sofa watching a film.

I'm grandparent to an adopted LO and, more than 2 years down the line, would say that's a success story so far. But as previous posters say, you have to look carefully at your definition of success. LO has certainly not been easy but my daughter and son in law are coping brilliantly. They've got more grey hair and wrinkles since but... they're a happy family and really glad they adopted.
Alongside of this, I know personally of a couple who adopted a sibling pair and everything turned into a nightmare. The parents tried so hard, but several years down the line, it ended up with both children returning to care. I'd really recommend, as other have said, lots of reading and research and being honest with yourself and with SWs as to what you are able to cope with. I think SWs are more honest these days about the children's situation and their needs. I hope all goes well for you x

I have 2 adopted children a boy age 15, adopted at 8 months and a girl age 11 adopted at 2.5.

Our DD has some special needs but nothing too serious. I feel very blessed to have our kids. Family life is often challenging but children bring enormous joy and adopted kids are extra special.

Thanks all for sharing your stories and advice. I'm fortunate to work in a supportive environment (also a civil servant) and the support of friends and family (more on the emotional than the practical but I can work on that). It's good to no that the horror stories are not everybody's story. I'm trying to go in with eyes wide open comma make sure thatI'm aware of the potential risks comma and be as clear as possible about what I think I can and can't manage. It's still early days and there's lots more to learn and explore. I'm just glad to know that even though it will likely be hard at times not everyone experiences the extremes that are often put down on paper.

While it is nice to hear positive stories of adoption. I dont feel from my experience it is the norm. Not impossible but certainly not common. You can not 'fix' adopted children, it is not like a fairy tale.

Even if you go in with your eyes open and even if you have a child/ren who are able to cope with what life has dealt them. It will still be harder than you think.

I do not know any fellow adopters who do not struggle because of the difficulties the children can not help to bring with them. The bottom line is, it is tougher than you can ever imagine. There can be rewarding and fulfilling days but a lot of days are the opposite of that and it is something that is glossed over and should not be.

My advice is do lots of research and reading up about the adopted child. Look into Thrive or do a similar course beforehand as it will help you be prepared and give you an insight to what needs the children who are placed for adoption have. (And that is without adding extra needs on top like ASD and ADHD, attachment disorder etc).

It is a tough road to take but it doesnt mean you love them any less, it is just harder than bringing up birth children.

I do think it is right that adoption services tell the tough stories and make it clear that it can be very hard.

Most people who a birth child know the genetic history and the actual history of the children, from conception on. One assumes (yes, I know it is not always the case) that people who have birth children have planned to have them. Once the child is conceived you do not need anyone to ask 'Are you sure this is really right for you?'

Maybe when people are thinking of starting a family they should ask that of themselves. But the reality is most people (I think) who have birth children, just want to have kids and that's what happens.

Those of us who adopt know we are parenting a child whose history and story we may not know fully, with lots of uncertainties, so it is totally right we are questioning ourselves and questioned by adoption services.

Maybe what isn't so helpful is questions from people who have read about adoption and tell us it will all go wrong etc! Luckily, I've had very few people be negative. I am lucky my little lad is a charmer and mostly quite easy to parent. (This is optimistic me speaking!)

@Italiangreyhound interesting that you are dyslexic - DW is too, and struggles with the shear volume of written stuff to get this far.

I think it's also about looking at what would be positive for you. As others have said, all parenting runs the risk of tricky times. I think asking those hard questions is important - and appreciating the effects of early trauma. My sister was adopted and struggles a lot with attachment - however, she had no initial bond as mum disappeared and she was left being cared for in hospital for a number of weeks before foster care happened. She was hard of hearing and had ongoing hospital treatment that was invasive - enough to cause issues for any child!

I was adopted as a child, I was also exposed to early trauma. My teenage years were a rough ride for my parents, but they had no real support and no one at CAMHS really acknowledged my adoption. I did have a great counsellor through a charity after I said I wouldn't go to CAMHS any more who helped me out. My own issues were more about trust and lack of self worth. However, I have a great relationship with my parents today. We had really good times as well as tough ones.

I think educating around those issues is important, and being ready to really fight for help/therapy as soon as any problems appear. When my sister and I were adopted, there was not so much education around the impact of adoption on children and neither schools nor therapists really recognised it if you'd been adopted early on. Controlled crying was encouraged, even in NCT groups. Being ready to fight your way through for help isn't individual to adoption, I had to fight for NHS help for my own little one who has kidney issues. My goodness, I even had to directly phone labs because of disorganisation in getting results checked on the GPs side and complications with the type of bacteria involved. However, in adoption I do think being prepped in mind to do that quickly can help - as the reality is that it can take a long time to achieve.

All parenting has a risk of a rocky ride at times, but adoption more so, I think. Overall I hope my parents are positive about our relationship now. We also had some fab times together while we were both children - lots of hugs, fun days out, doing well at school, great holidays at Centre Parcs etc. I think age makes a difference, though doesn't rule out complications. A lot of stories seem to focus on RAD or significant attachment problems, and sometimes unprepared families who had a rose tinted view. Posters above gave good advice about thinking about what you can cope with, and also maybe thinking what would feel positive to you. It might be a baby falling asleep on you, or a child who struggles to bond finally feeling able to tell you something that's on your mind.

When I first met my mum (adoptive), I was usually withdrawn with strangers but snuggled right into her. That is a really positive moment she kept in all our tricky times. She was there when my son was born and was the first person to hold him. They have a really special bond. So honestly like all of life, for us as a family it's been a rollercoaster but loads fabulous moments along the way.

We are 12 years in.
The first 8 were super.
The next 3 flipped and were extremely stressful with eldest (college years +)
The last one has been stressful but not nearly so bad
I am hopeful that the next year will be smoother.

It is definitely the best thing we've done, and has brought us so much joy. And many, many, other families have stressful times at some point during teenage years.

Our definition of success has changed. Our goal for DC is that they reach adulthood able to form and maintain healthy relationships. That’s it. (Reading, writing, some exam passes would be great, but not at the expense of the main aim.)

@tldr - those are good aims.

We have said we want to be parents not carers, so if our AS ends up being an independent adult from us we can't ask for more.

My view is that there are no guarantees of an easy ride no matter how you become a parent and you deal with what is thrown at you because you are the parent.
I hate the constant and persistent 'adoption' label with the question of are they doing x because they are adopted? (With my friends reassuring me that it is typical child behaviour). My advice would be forget they are adopted - before anyone shouts at me I don't at all mean denying identity or pretending they aren't, what I mean is you parent them appropriately because you aee the parent and they are your child. All families do things differently and do what is right for their family.

Sanders I'm glad the last year has been better.

We are only two years into adopting our three LOs. AD & AS came together at 1 & 2 and now their younger brother joined us at six months old at the end of last year. The transition from 0-2 & then 3 kids was super tough but life is wonderful & all three kids are amazing. We are very much a normal family. But it is super tough & every day we find we need to use the lessons, knowledge & skills we learnt in our adoption training & reading. The "horror stories" always had valuable lessons in how to deal with behaviours or issues & what to look out for. And yes they helped us work out what was right for us in terms of looking for a match & getting an understanding of what we could & couldn't cope with. Our three are perfect as far as I'm concerned & feels like they were always meant to be ours. But we are well aware that times are likely going to get very tough when the teenage years hit

We are four years in. It's incredibly difficult... however, when I compare our daily life to six months ago, one year ago, two years ago... it's getting easier and easier.
When I take a step back I see how far we have come.
Our little one is very controlling and very difficult; but they are perfect at school and they are thriving.
I couldn't imagine life without them.
Amazing.