Post placement blues

[DLouise2004]

We have just been placed with out two little ones (4 months and 15 months) and its only been a matter of days and I feel so low. They are so cute and this I'd all we have wanted for do long but j have found myself crying a lot and realising that when my husband goes back to work this is going to be really tough. Please tell me things will get better and I will love being with them more? I feel like I am mourning my old life and all the freedom I had and that none of my friends understand x

@DLouise2004 have attempted to send you a private message, let me know if it works. I couldn't figure out how to do it on my phone (possibly due to sleep deprivation!) but have managed to find it on my laptop!

@CabbagePatchCheryl also here if you need. This is not easy but I really do always feel a little bit better when I know I'm not alone in this at this current moment in time.

Thanks all. It’s really helped just to reach out to people who won’t judge. We had a good day yesterday (by which I mean no disasters and no deep existential despair) but I’m still really up and down.

Starting to get quite hacked off with DH too. For him it’s all this big adventure/challenge and he is nailing it. He’s gonna have this fun summer being a dad and playing and then go back to work. He doesn’t lose anything. On the other hand all the plants I’ve lovingly grown in the garden are dying, I can’t find time to get my mum a birthday present, the house is gonna be filthy and we’re gonna be malnourished cos I haven’t got the time or energy to do any little jobs. DH would never have done any of them anyway so he doesn’t care (/notice) but these thing mattered to me. I feel like my life has just come to a standstill.

Sorry to whinge - I realise how whiny this sounds.

I can’t find time to get my mum a birthday present, the house is gonna be filthy and we’re gonna be malnourished cos I haven’t got the time or energy to do any little jobs. DH would never have done any of them anyway so he doesn’t care (/notice) but these thing mattered to me

You’ll find over time that things will change, your DH and you both will find a new routine and you’ll realise that no one will die if dinner is beans on toast for the kids. My house is nowhere near as clean and tidy as it used to be, I don’t iron much any more, I cook from scratch when I’ve got time and energy and I freeze half for another day. I shout way more than I ever thought I would and I’ve been way more explicit with DH about tasks that he needs to take on.

When we think about transition we generally think about adjusting to caring for little people, forgetting that every single part of our routines and our relationships change too. I’d fully expect you to be up and down just now, seeing the losses you’re experiencing - it does get better but in the meantime don’t be afraid to vent.

@DLouise2004 I have seen someone suggested a sound track. My 15 months old by accident switch off the vision on the tv and enjoyed the cartoon equally well. Now we play cartoon without a vision on she is as relaxed and happy as she would watch it.

@CabbagePatchCheryl I hear ya and I think me and hubby are similar to you guys - if you want to PM me happy to chat

@CabbagePatchCheryl, @DLouise2004 hope you are both having a better day/weekend?

things have been a little better and am not crying all day which is good but am feeling quite down at the moment. Feel like when I wake up I feel so much anxiety and am nervous and not sure how to deal with that as it sets my mood for the morning. I am ok as I am kept busy in the day and then in evening feel the same. I feel a little bit removed from the children - like I am going through the motions and faking enjoyment. Just not really sure how to solve anything right now x

I think only the passage of (a little) more time will help, tbh.

Sounds like you are improving each day, perhaps without noticing too much.

How's it all going now @DLouise2004 ?

So we now 2.5 weeks in and i guess is a good sign that I am not crying all day now. I have my moments and yesterday seeing friends I just wished that I felt as comfortable and doting as they do with their children. The baby is fairly easy and I know roughly what she wants when she cries etc but still do struggle with the relentless ness of the 16 month old. I think be is at a hard age where he cant play on his own, can't communicate and is a bit clumsy so I feel like i need an eye on him at all times. My husband goes back to work today so i think this week will be tough but I need to push on through. I am going to visit a nursery this morning to discuss places and whether I might be able to put the toddler in nursery 2 mornings a week to give me a little respite and be able to get things done a little. I need to feel organised as much as I can. Bedtimes are tough at the momentb- toddler has gone from being able to just put him in cot and he goes to sleep to now needing one of us in the room so bedtime is taking a while and no idea how will put both to bed when hubby away. I feel like we are overthinking everything around routine and how best to do things but we know its important they have that structure x

No one can describe how hard it is to go from being used to doing your own thing to having someone you need to be with and respond to at all times. Before any of the other stuff associated with adoption, I found having another person (or two) with me 24/7 just overwhelming.

Routine and structure is important, for you and them - for me knowing they’d both be in bed and sleeping by 7.30 got me through tea time. Your sanity is more important though, and you are very very early days yet so do what works for you and them. Everybody fed, nobody dead was my mantra for long enough, just cover the basics.

I know this could be a double edged sword but can your social worker help with some respite, either with a supported nursery place or some such? At this point I was seeing my social worker and the kids social worker weekly and tbh they were both a fantastic support letting me cry if I needed to, they had some very helpful advice for me and my DH and in time (ie after about 5 weeks) fully supported my DC starting school and nursery - if fact they both suggested it. I don’t know what your relationship with SW is like but they can be fantastic post placement.

It also might be worth checking with the foster carers whether they had to sit with your toddler at bedtime, how they would settle him etc and how he was when he first went to foster care cos there’s a good chance he’ll have regressed.

Sending you so many good wishes, hang in there - you’re doing great!

Chin up sounds like you are doing great

Hang on in there. It does get easier.

Another for all fed none dead here. That's what got us through the first while. I also remember comparing my relationship with my kids to other mums I saw at playgroups and it did feel different but it doesn't now & you won't further down the line. It just takes time.

You'll work out your new routine & bed time etc once you're on your own. It'll just fall into place eventually.

We also had AD who the foster carers just said goodnight to & walked out. We spend the first 8 months sitting with her at bedtime but now she's back to cuddles then night night and we leave. If needs be you could push bedtime back until your husbands home and just give more or longer naps in the day. That would give you more respite too. It's your life now & if you need to change the routine just do it. Whatever works for you.

Nursery sounds like a great idea. Just make sure you talk to key worker and they understand attachment. Our AD got a bit too close to her key worker initially and it threw us. But she did love it.

Sounds like you're doing a great job of adjusting & still massively early days

Stumbled across this page by accident but didn't want to read and run.

My closest friend welcomed their two children , aged 1 & 4, home two weeks before I gave birth. A few months in and we all opened up to each other about how wonderful but terrifying it was and I was struck but how she expected me to feel better about our life shift because my LO was biologically my child. As if all the feelings she was experiencing were very specific to the adoption and that she was somehow a worse mother than I was simply because she felt, at times, regretful. It hadn't occurred to her for a moment that I also felt like this baby was a stranger in my house, just as her children were in hers. The grief and loss I felt for my old life was just the same as she felt and on many occasions in those early weeks and months I felt utterly bereft of my old life.

Fast forward a year and we have a 13 month old, a 22 month old and a 5 year old who are all doing incredibly well. Most of all, she is doing brilliantly and we have all settled into our new roles really quite well. That goes for she and I both, and all the kids!

I really hope you're okay OP. You sound like a brilliant mother and the feelings you're having sound totally normal to me. It's such a massive shift, and the age gap between yours must just intensify that.

Thinking of you.

Thanks #EmbarrassingMama thay was such a lovely message and really makes me feel better. I would say we are getting there ... I am relying on the support of family quite a lot. My husband went back to work this week and I have had couple days on my own and they have been ok. I do find the ages that the children are challenging and its exhausting but slowly getting used to being sleep deprived and willing bedtime to come along! Getting nervous that eventually my husband will need to stay away each week from 5am one day to 8pm the next so i will be doing 2 x breakfast dinner and bed times on my own - it will be tough- particularly bedtime as both children do not like going to bed and i cant leave each one so will be interesting! I feel like I am bonding with them and having more good days than bad but when I have a bad day its really bad. I still miss my old life and do wonder if I may go back to work earlier than j had anticipated as I do feel a shell of myself. I need me time but right now i have no idea how i make that work x

You sound amazing OP.