Post placement blues

[DLouise2004]

We have just been placed with out two little ones (4 months and 15 months) and its only been a matter of days and I feel so low. They are so cute and this I'd all we have wanted for do long but j have found myself crying a lot and realising that when my husband goes back to work this is going to be really tough. Please tell me things will get better and I will love being with them more? I feel like I am mourning my old life and all the freedom I had and that none of my friends understand x

We had soundtracks of things like My Fair Lady, Oklahoma, South Pacific and Sound of Music (not films but just the soundtrack) and that helped a lot, singing along used to cheer me (and them up)
No electronic toys (they are just annoying bleeps)
Toy Farm - to make animal noises to
lots of simple board books to read Each Peach Pear Plum for example and The wheels on the Bus
A good nursery rhyme to music tape/cd (again just sound not screen) the early learning centre use to do a lovely one with what shall we do with the drunken sailor ( I think it was the party songs one)
Build a soft play area out of sofa cushions to climb on
talk as much as you can about everything you do, even if it the most boring thing in the world, like unloading the dishwasher or climbing the stairs - that's mothereze

no craft, and no messy play..just avoid it will destroy you...bathtime is mess enough for me...

And my memory of that age is that they don't really like soft toys (I think that bit of play comes later, anthromorphizing toys) except the favourite cuddy one for bed unless you are prepared to play elaborate games with them (the toys I mean), but they do like things with wheels and levers and holes or crinkly fabric and textures that they are allowed to bash and experiment with and chew. And both my dses loved knotty cloths and blankets to drag around and sniff as comforters.

So foster carer visit actually went well and then mu hubby's sister popped by and that has all really alleviated the pressure on us. We are going to try and get out more and although perhaps have gone against rules from social workers and introduced grandma and grandad so we have them to help out. Feel sad my parents wont meet them until the end of the month ☹

I just read your message and wanted to say, I had two ivf birth children and I NEVER enjoyed cuddling through the night!

I too felt very guilty with the first and thought I would eventually enjoy it but nope, never happened! I accepted by number 2 it's just not me to enjoy not sleeping! So don't beat yourself up, you don't have to be perfect. You are there.

Even with birth children many many people feel just as you do. It's very normal. With my first, I had a lot going on (very unwell DH) and didn't bond straight away. I'm currently packing up our worldly belongings to move 100 miles to get him into a school that will better suit his needs. You WILL get there.

Be kind to yourself and let it be too much some days. You are doing a great job by being there for them.

DLouise2004

" I dont even know what to do with the older lo.He is so lovely and i feel I am failing him as i just feel sad and teary. How am I ever going to get used to this?"

I think you will get used to some aspects of it, you will find a way though this to some degree, or at least most people do.

"As someone who worked in a good job and was well organised and maybe self indulgent this us just literally hitting me like a train."

That is so understandable. I had some training many years ago from an Aussie and he said I needed to 'chunk it'. Break it down into manageable chunks.

" I want to enjoy them but my brain isnt letting me." I think you are over thinking this .Or maybe you are under-thinking it! Try some different strategies. Plan a few simple activiies and have a schedule in your head. Treat it VERY lightly, if you run over on some things - fine, if you run out of things - fine.

Just think of some activities (half an hour of TV, some craft, a snack, some brick play or cars or whatever, lunch, a walk in the cooler part of the day etc etc.

At the weekend some baking make fairy cakes and later decorate them. If you have someone to take them swimming with, do that, if you can, just once a week. I found swimming with my son (or rather striding about in the water as my three year old clung to me) so therapeutic (I think for both of us).

You do not need to tell your little on you have a plan, just let it unfold.

If this is all too obvious, I am sorry.

Lastly, find the fun and the connection where you can.

Take some nice photos during the day, make time to praise the kids, do not assume they will be too young for this, even if they are not completely verbal. Some kids hate praise or find it unfamiliar, so go slowly.

Make a note of the good bits of the day, email a nice photo to your partner or grandparent.

You are building trust. Yes, you are going to have to fake it until you make it. Good words, we used them too.

"...if honest when they wake through the night I resent that - I dont enjoy that time together cuddling yet"

It's OK not to enjoy having your sleep interrupted.

Try and see it from the child's perspective, they are afraid, they have lost everything they know, they are in a strange new world.

This story is brilliant for helping people to see what children go through. It is international adoption so a little different, but I think it does get the message across. So when your little ones are difficult it may help you connect with them, to think of this story (not to feel guilty, just to be aware what they are going through.

You will get there, I am sure, all the best.

www.a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=53&Itemid=77

When my grandchild was placed, aged just 1 year, the SW said no family visits for one month to allow for funneling. But my daughter went against that and asked me to visit after the first week. I just popped in for short visits or joined them on walks to the park. I think the important thing was, I left all the care of LO to her mum and dad. I also kept interactions with LO to a minimum, I could see she was scared and overwhelmed. But I did lots of practical stuff to help my daughter like shopping and cooking.
They found it really good you break the day into chunks and to get out of the house at least once a day. The local park was a godsend!

Thanks all - today was a better day - I only cried once and felt like I could manage a lot more so I am hoping this continues. I think I will continue to have feelings of woe, guilt, sadness excitement and all of the things in between and know I will probably cry every day for a long while but I just hope I can somehow make this normal. I really appreciate all of your advice x

I remember feeling exactly the same two years ago when our 2 ACs came home. The transition is soO unbelievably tough and nothing can prepare you for it. I found the shock of it all so intense I clung to the new routine each day to get me through and did everything very robotically. I missed my old life so so much and found that one of the hardest parts - that and how completely isolated I felt, No one understood at all. My DH and I seemed to swap feeling like this for the first six months or so, he'd be at rock bottom & I'd be dealing with stuff ok and then he'd start feeling better and I'd start really struggling. Towards the end of the first four months I think I started to ease up a little and relax into it - I'm sure that sounds like such a long time to you at this early stage but it does get better & you will enjoy them eventually. I love my children so much now and love spending time with them, looking back it's like a different person was struggling not me. Daily toddler groups or activities saved me in the early days - have you got many local to you?

Thanks @Gertruude - this really good to hear - I had a bad day today and cried all morning - I just feel so frustrated that I feel like this
I so want to enjoy them and just be so happy wd finally have our family - instead at points I feel like I want to hand them back which is an awful thing to say I know. My hubby is being amazing and has had his moments but had said he knows he potentially doesn't feel as bad as he knows he is going back to work but that he is really worried about me. I just keep thinking I wish people had warned us about taking children so close in afe and questioned about whether i would cope. My husband took one out today and I could easily handle one on my own x

In a few weeks time, I will be posting like this - I am sure.

And you will be replying how it all gets to be fine!

Keep us posted !

I remember saying to ppl why the f**k didn't you warn us!!? I don't think anyone can though & if when ppl gently / tactfully question we were so caught up in the excitement of finally having a family it didn't ring true.

My DH and I every so often remind each other of the times we wanted to genuinely give them back. We hated ourselves for admitting it at the time and (thankfully) never felt it at the same time but we did definitely feel that way so it's normal (or at least others feel the same!) so don't worry. I can't get my head around feeling that way now, I'm so adoring and overprotective of our kids there's no way I'd let anyone near them.

But whilst our age gap wasn't as intense as yours (so I really do fee for you) we took on a 2.8 year old and a 14 month old together and then six months later their youngest sibling a six month old joined us. It took us a long while for either of us to feel confident with two of them on our own so is there anyway your husband can look at extending his leave? If not you will wrk it out - and now To us we can manage with three on our own now problem - but it would be good if you could ease the pressure and do some "practise runs" both of you. Give yourself a chance to try different activities to see what's do able with both but also give yourselves time to bond with each individually. How long does your DH have off atm?

Thanks @Gertruude - after the kids noy goingbto bed until 9.30pm tonight I am definitely wondering what the hell we have done- that being said we had a lot of fun moments today so there were positives. My husband goes back to work on the 22nd and can extend leave but wd going to see how wd doing early next week. Part of me thinks it may be better if we get into a routine with him at work but he does work from home so can still help with early morn and bath/bed which is useful. We are starting to have more visitors so hoping that may alleviate some pressure too x

Well if you're having fun then things are already settling & getting better. You will get into your groove soon enough & yes you will feel better once you're in a routine. We found that we were starting the wind down and o bed at 6pm straight after dinner & we're counting time to getting them into bed. No they all love bedtime though & each element of the routine signals to them what's next & they don't fight it - they play for time sometimes but nothing unusual there! It's great that your DH is around to help with those bits - means you can perhaps have an escape for 5/10mins at times too which I think is vital to coping. Keep us posted as to how you're getting on xx

Ours was placed 3 weeks ago. The first few days I was thinking "what have I done". I like my sleep and was sleep deprived the first few days.

I stayed in the house for the whole week and was driving myself crazy. I think if I stayed longer I would have gotten worse.

I've gone to stay and plays with really helped breaking up the day and got me out the house.

I did go to my parents last week, my sisters and their children were there. This one I think was a little overwhelming for him. He enjoyed the day but slept badly at night.

Thanks @Hitchyhero - I have started to fall into a rhythm but am still crying most days which I really need to try and stop. I just worry this isnt normal. The children seem a little more settled and we starting to be able to take them out but I really worry about when my husband goes back to work. I guess I just need to know that what I am feeling isnt unusual? X

@liliesandlemons - would be good to stay in contact and talk about our experiences and how you are feeling as I am still struggling. I cant see a direct messaging function on the app but could link up via WhatsApp or Facebook?

What you’re feeling isn’t unusual at all - I think I cried at some point every day for 6 months such was the complete culture shock of having two little people to care for.

It’s an incredibly hard adjustment and you haven’t had pregnancy. If you think about all the body changes and restrictions in pregnancy start to prepare you for a life change - and you have nine months to start that adjustment and get used to a change in your identity. We don’t get those physical and social cues - things just change when the kids arrive. I remember the two weeks before stopping work telling people I was going on adoption leave - something that pregnant women don’t need to explain because it’s obvious they’re going to be a mum. I really struck me just how different (and demanding) adoption is for new parents. Give yourself time, as much time as you need.

Hi @DLouise2004

That would be really great.

As this is a public forum the best thing that I can think to do is if you join Adoption UK here:

www.adoptionuk.org/adoption-uk-community

And once confirmed by your SW:

www.linkmaker.co.uk/adoptionuk/home

They have recently partnered with Linkmaker so that you have to be verified by your SW as an adopter for access which means that adopters can chat directly and even arrange play dates etc.

It is a bit of a faff and you have to pay membership (or as they put it 'donate') so if anyone else has any other tips or advice about how adopters can safely and securely make direct contact? Please do share.

@liliesandlemons might look at that myself thanks

Please could I jump on here for a hand hold? We are a couple of days from the end of intros and I feel almost nothing but terror and loss. Our little boy (12mo) is quite simply the cutest little angel you’ve ever met and he’s as easy as pie - his foster carer has done an amazing job and he’s so happy and funny and secure in his attachments and routines.

But I just feel sick with anxiety all the time. It’s so relentless and it’s forever. I like him but all the cuteness isn’t enough to stop me missing my quiet old life. And my cat, who has basically moved out.

My husband is amazing with the baby and has formed an incredible bond with him. He’s also been an absolute rock. But I can’t tell him the depths of what I’m feeling because I don’t want to spoil this for him.

Please hold my hand and tell me this will get better.

You can private message each other on here if you just click on my mumsnet at the top of the screen.

It will get better - at the moment you’ll all be feeling varying degrees of terror tbh, no matter how easy baby is or how well your DH seems to be coping, it’s a massive life change for everyone.

In saying that, I remember overwhelming anxiety early in placement. I’d left work, went from being very independent with lots of free time and a good social life to literally being glued to two little people. While things had obviously changed for my DH, he still had his routine to a large extent and the things he did around the house (diy, the garden, cars etc) hadn’t really changed whereas “my” jobs had quadrupled and I had to try and do it all trailing two terrified little people around with me.

Try to put some words to your anxiety, what is it that your anxious about. I saw a therapist for a good while after placement which was invaluable for having somewhere to say the things I didn’t want to say to my DH.

It’s hard, it’s normal, you will come out the other side.

The cat will move back in - though I swear 7 years in mine eye rolls me now and again.
It will get better, don't take funneling too far, take advantage of it being summer and get out of the house, get into a routine
You have all had your lives turned upside down, not surprising you will feel discombobulated. It will pass you just need to find your new normal

Thank you @flapjackfairy , that sounds much easier!!