Post placement blues

[DLouise2004]

We have just been placed with out two little ones (4 months and 15 months) and its only been a matter of days and I feel so low. They are so cute and this I'd all we have wanted for do long but j have found myself crying a lot and realising that when my husband goes back to work this is going to be really tough. Please tell me things will get better and I will love being with them more? I feel like I am mourning my old life and all the freedom I had and that none of my friends understand x

Oh dear Lord, a few days??!!!! You must be in the "hit by a truck / suffocating / out of my depth / what was I thinking" stage. The only way onwards is...onwards really (geez I'm eloquent). Hang on, get emotional support wherever you can (book phone calls with close friends, or people from your prep course), and if some days you have to claw your way through half an hour at a time, that still counts, you are doing this. Keep your aims as small and simple as you can, no need to get fancy, and try to be kind to yourself. This is a hard, hard thing you're doing.

Her

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/adoptions/3153343-Urgent-advice-needed-think-DH-wants-to-give-DS-back

That's the link to the worst days of my post-adoption blues (old username). It can be really, really hard OP.

You are doing brilliantly. You can and will cope once your DH goes back to work, it wont be easy at times but I promise it will be easier than you think it will be! By day 3 of DH being back at work I found my groove.

Always feel that you can reach out here for support and also your SW!

For what it is worth, my DS is now 2.5 and I am still completely besotted with him. I look after him by myself most of the time as DH works weekends (he has him by himself a day or two in the week too) and we both cope well with it. He is my most favourite person in the world and I cannot imagine my life without him!

I'm so sorry for your pain and I completely understand. I am however pleased to not be alone in this.

We are one week into placement with 3 and 5 year old siblings and I feel absolutely bereft. It's not by any means always tough (although lots of it is) but it feels so far removed from life as I knew it or even life as I imagined it may be. I am hoping and praying (even though non religious) that things will shift and that life will feel like life again even though so very different.

Despite having lots of friends and family at the end of the phone, we moved recently so don't have many close by and also need to wait for the kids to settle a bit anyway before seeing people. I'm absolutely terrified of my parter returning to work in another week and of being all alone.

It makes me feel even worse that I'm so woe is me when at least I have chosen this and can in some way understand what's happening. They haven't chosen this. They're so young and must be so confused and scared and I hate that I'm thinking about myself so much.

Thanks all - I am so glad you are there to talk to - I have felt so alone and like people dont understand- it feels like everyone thinks that I should be grateful this has been given to us and we chose it. We did but it is still knocking us sideways. @liliesandlemons - everything you said rings true with me too! I feel like I am dampening my husbands experience as well which adds another layer of guilt. Would love to stay in contact so we have each other to rant to if you are up for that - I didnt have a great deal of support nearby

I really did have to fake it to make it for the first few weeks/months and most of her original routine went out of the window within a couple of weeks of hubby going back to work because it didn't work for us as a family. We also took up FaceTiming as he had the kind of job it's easy to do in.

@DLouise2004 absolutely!! It is definitely a comfort to know that someone else completely gets it. Also feel bad as think that my husband is doing brilliantly... But I'm the one that's off work now. I'm here any time you need (which obviously means very, very brief stolen moments of the day!) It's waaaay past my new life bedtime, so until tomorrow

@DLouise2004 absolutely!! It is definitely a comfort to know that someone else completely gets it and in real time. Also feel bad as think that my husband is doing brilliantly... But I'm the one that's off work now. I'm here any time you need (which obviously means very, very brief stolen moments of the day!) It's waaaay past my new life bedtime, so until tomorrow

Hey @DLouise2004, i remember when you first started the whole adoption journey, and here you are, completely in the thick of it! I completely get it, it’s so tough.

I was having a conversation with my DH the other day about exactly this (just reflecting). It was never meant to be this way...usually you get 9 months to digest the idea and prepare and then you get each stage (with one at a time) and little by little you prepare for the next stage.

Now you have gone and got yourself two kids, you’ve gone from zero to full throttle over night (just like we did). It’s tough, really tough. Nothing can prepare you and it’s not easy. Some days I still struggle with my change in lifestyle/identity (we are just a year in).

Do whatever you can to take the pressure off, you need to cut yourself some slack - get that takeaway and a bottle of wine tomorrow night.

If plonking the eldest in front of cartoons for an hour or so helps, do it, if giving them a bath breaks up some time, do it. If strapping them both in a buggy (or youngest in a sling, eldest in a buggy), and going for a brisk stroll or sitting on a park bench helps, do it. Find what works enough to get you through this strange, unusual stage you find yourself in and do it. It used to help me in the very early days to pretend I was at work. I used to plan activities that would enable me to have a ‘tea break’ at certain times!

It will get better, I still struggle occasionally but...today I danced with my 3 year old and spun her around - you should have seen the joy on her face. Today I also chatted to my 4 year old about the school he is joining in September - he said he’s a little scared. I said that was normal, but I am so proud of him and how far he has come already. It does get better and so worthwhile.

Keep posting, keep talking it is tough.

It will get better and you will love them more. Small steps.

@DLouise2004 I am excited you have graduated up to big school already -

I am joining you in big school in early August - fingers crossed.

I haven't been this nervous terrified about anything for a while.

It’s so incredibly hard, and you do get that “I need to be grateful” feeling, which can make it even harder to say you’re struggling. You’re whole life changed overnight, with in reality very little preparation or time to adjust and you know have these fully dependent little people to care for.

Go easy on yourself, cry if you need to - it wasn’t the first time I went to the far side of the garden to give myself head space. Don’t be too obsessed with funnelling - if you need support go out and see people, close family, friends, strangers in the park... your children will do better with a supported mum.

Also don’t worry about hating the drudgery of it all - I went from a very busy career to constant laundry, food and limpet little ones, it’s very very hard adjustment to make but you will adjust. Two years in and my kids are my world but it took a good 18 months for me to get there. Give yourself time. And gin.

Thank you wo much everyone- it's so nice to know this support network is here. I only cried once today which is a big achievement! We saw hubby's parents and they met the lids which was lovely and actually showed how the pressure could be taken off so has made me feel a little better. The house is still a tip though and I am so exhausted!

@topcat2014 thats so exciting you have been matched! What is age? X

@AnybodysDude I have read your link and wow that sounds that must have been so stressful? X

@weatherforducks you have given me hope and madd me realise I am not a bad parent- we are massively relying on the tv - a big part of this is because the foster carer had it on the whole time so the eldest is wanting this a lot and I am not going to lie it does make life easier. I think I need to plan - at the moment I see this vast year of nothing but saying 'no', changing nappies and trying to nail a routine so I need to try and get a routine of seeing people and trying to forge sound friendships. Dont get me wrong they are gorgeous but I am struggling to be as positive as I should x

It’s so hard, especially if you are funnelling, avoiding visitors and staying in. I felt like I was under house arrest - but it did help with attachment.

As others have said, the love will grow and you will find your routine. It will get a bit easier - in the meantime I wouldn’t worry about using the TV especially as it’s familiar to them.

I’m one week into adoption number 3 and it’s like being hit by a bloody train. I’m pushing on because I know it will get better as it did before but when you are in the thick of it it’s utterly draining.
We use tv/kindle/phones LOADS just to get through, dinner is nuggets or beans on toast and we are ignoring all non essential tasks. First time round I worried that I was shit leaning on the tv but this time I’m fine with it - we can wean them off the box and into other stuff later, now is about getting through the days (and nights) without crying in the pantry which is what I used to do daily with number 1! It’s all about preserving energy and sanity!

I think even if you have birth children, a four month old and a 15 month old is incredibly overwhelming. My house was always a tip until I had someone to help a few hours a week, just to hold one of the children whilst I cooked food for example. Every non essential task went out of the window, I was exhausted from lack of sleep, which meant I couldn't work out how to be efficient or good tempered. I was paralysed with fear about getting through the day, if anyone would nap, if I could get them out of the house at all, which i knew they needed to do.

At that age telly is a life saver, ds used to watch an incredibly unsuitable Beauty and the Beast but luckily he was too little to be frightened of the wolves, but now I just think ...yikes. And a lot of Thomas the tank Engine, very soothing. But tbh, it didn't really help me cope with entertaining him, I wish I had done more getting him used to playing with bricks and Brio, and just pottering around with toys. I just felt so frightened of him and looking after him and not getting through the day. Babies are almost easier, just need what they need.

Another tip is try to avoid thinking of No situations and focus on Yes situations. when you are constantly in defensive mode it is very depressing and quite defeating. I have a little dog now, and am remembering how easy it was with toddlers to say stop don't no, watch out, and with little dogs that is not good .. you have to give them positive tasks to do,and reinforce the behaviour you want to see even when they are puppies.

It is an awful time, totally disassociating, but you will feel better and joy will come.

@DLouise2004 7 years old, matching panel is this week. Just been finishing the welcome book with photos etc. Life appreciation day Monday.

Last 2 months have been a blur..I can't really remember a time before I knew about the existence of my LO.

sorry, I know I've said completely the wrong thing about someone holding the baby for you, I know that is the wrong advice, but someone to look after you perhaps and do a few chores for you perhaps a cleaner once a week might help perhaps, so that you can concentrate on the children.
My friend who adopted, had a doula to look after her for two weeks when the baby came home at 9 months old, I know not everyone can afford that, but you need someone to look after You in some small way.

I am not at all "woo" but it seems meant to be that the whole training process took so long so that our paths crossed.

I fully expect to be gibbering into the dustbins come late August though.

And you don't need to be positive, you are allowed to say, this is shit! Because lots of people with small children say that all the time, you only have to read Mumsnet. But it passes and they become easier and well...just... part of your lives...

I have woken up today after feeding missy through night - it's raining and automatically I feel teary as I dont even know what to do with the older lo.He is so lovely and i feel I am failing him as i just feel sad and teary. How am I ever going to get used to this? Sorry I know it's all woe is me but I am just so not used to this. As someone who worked in a good job and was well organised and maybe self indulgent this us just literally hitting me like a train. I want to enjoy them but my brain isnt letting me. We actually went against advice yesterday and had the in laws visit so that I could have a chat and that did hell me. We have the foster carer coming today and i fully expect that may unsettle them so may be a tough day. Thank you so much for all your advice - my friends really dont understand and keep comparing it to them having newborn but I just then feel resentful as they at least have s bond with that child- we are faking it until we make it and if honest when they wake through the night I resent that - I dont enjoy that time together cuddling yet x

Dont be afraid to cancel the foster carer visit if you think it is too soon. We did, and they didn't visit until 2 months after placement in the end and it was fine. We now see them every few months.

If it is raining just chuck on wellies and go and jump around outside. Even now I cannot spend a whole day indoors with DS he will be climbing the walls! Dont worry if the house is a tip (but also if you have friends and family who want to help, let them - on Day 6 my mum and my best friend came round and cleaned my kitchen and did my laundry whilst I sat sobbing into a cup of tea and DH occupied DS in another room).

The first days and weeks are survival mode. Do whatever you need to do to get through it, feel no guilt. And just know that in the not so distant future those babies are going to be absolutely everything to you and you will not be able to imagine life without them

Sorry OP just saw you replied to me earlier too - it was incredibly stressful, but i cannot emphasise enough how quickly it passed and how much has changed since then. My DH going back to work make everything so much easier. We were more relaxed and I made sure I put no pressure on myself. we had a great little routine that worked for us and we got through it. You will too, I promise!