Adoption order will be finalised today.

[darkriver19886]

Today the order will be finalised.
I am keeping busy but it's hard. I couldn't face going to the hearing. Everyone knows that I am "okay" about the girls being adopted.

Have therapy tomorrow so will be able to talk to her about this stuff. I wish I could have gotten therapy earlier.

I see a therapist once a week but, I know that by the time I see her again the pain will hide away.

Its ironic that a mental health condition that I developed to survive unspeakable trauma has only gone on to ruin my life and hurt my children. At least they are happy and safe now. I wish someone had saved me.

It’s so often the case @darkriver19886 that the processes we develop to survive as children go on to undermine our capacity to care for our own children. If we’re lucky there’s enough stability for us to find a way through as adults but so often adults struggle because of their own childhood. It’s unfair to say the least.

I hope you let your therapist see your pain, they’re there to help you carry it.

@jellycatspyjamas she knows about my pain. We keep heading into the "danger zone" of my memories but not a single part of me is ready to even go there and every time I get even close to making the first step I feel like my heads melting down.

My T is trying to encourage self-care but, it's complex due to my condition and she did say this week that we don't always have to discuss the bad stuff. I feel ashamed after almost a year that I am still not ready.

I knew it was going to be a long road and my therapist knows this as well. I very rarely to be honest talk about the girls except in the context of something.

darkriver as a birth mum I completely understand the pain but for me it took 3 years of therapy and I had to walk back through the hell of my past in order to come back out the other side. There’s still times when I don’t feel that I have come out the other side and the pain of losing my son will never be gone and honestly I wouldn’t want it to be as the pain reminds me of how deep the love I have for him is, but with self love and care and a lot of Therapy the days do feel lighter, I don’t feel like I’m constantly treading quicksand and only being pulled under.

I won’t tell you “Time will heal” because it won’t but With time does teach you how to deal with the pain and move forwards

For me it was originally “my son needs me to do this, I need to make him proud” and that he was my sole motivation. Now, it’s about what I need to do for me and making a life for myself And I hope in doing this that if he does come to find me he will be proud.

@darkriver19886 hope you're doing ok. Great to see you are starting work on your book. I think of you often.

@darkriver19886 - I don't know your story but I can read the sadness in your posts. Take care of yourself and I'm sending you love and strength

Thank you guys. I am getting there.

Hello @darkriver19886, how are you getting on, I think of you often and I'm sending love and strength

I am managing. Unfortunately, struggling with mental health and it's also coming up the anniversary of when I lost girls as well as birthdays etc.