Still no letterbox 😔

[darkriver19886]

So there are only a few days left in May and there is no sign of letterbox. I am not sure how to feel right now. The side to me that is very logical is saying there is still 3 days left but I feel down and feel like it's hanging over me.

I sent an email to the letterbox service yesterday but obviously haven't had a response yet due to the bank holiday weekend.

We had our first letter from Bdad delayed by co-ordinator by for 4 weeks(nothing wrong with it just not sent to us) back in March & last week we received a parcel of Xmas cards from Maternal family. I chased up with the letterbox team as we knew a letter was waiting but had accepted that might not receive anything from mum& family so last week was a surprise :)

I am a birth parent so have been looking forward to this update. I know there has been problems with the service since they migrated.

That must be really hard. I'm an adopter and I know that sometimes life can get very hectic and sometimes things get delayed. I get round this by convincing myself that the letter is due the month before it actually is which means the coordinator always gets it a bit early but at least if I'm late it's still early in the month it's due. I'd give it a few days and contact them again the first working day of June. Hope you get it soon x

Hi Dark,

No point giving you all the reasons it might be delayed- I know you know all that (I do the same as snazzy, but it's still late).

I think you need to chase the contact, but otherwise try to let it fall into the background- the bureaucracy will get there in the end. I know that's hard, but look after yourself and keep trying to focus on normal life.

I know your right @donquixotedelamancha
it's hard to let it fall in the background as this letterbox is pretty much the only reason to keep going some days.

I'm an adopter due to write in May but still haven't done it and won't be able to do it until early June due to a very hectic month and now on holiday for half term break. So if it's you I'm writing to then please accept my apologies, but it'll be there soon.

@overdue0 I have to admit I was a bit eeked out thinking of the adopters being on here but, at least I have always been civil.

I sent an email to letterbox so will see if I get a response.

Dark river I read your posts with absolute empathy and respect. You put your children’s needs far above your own and for that I do hope and pray the adopters of your children understand that and keep that in the absolute forefront of their mind when carrying out any form of life story work.

I think it is sad for you and your children that contact in your case is restricted to letterbox. If you were in Northern Ireland there would in fact be direct face to face contact usually twice a year put in place in your case. The purpose of this though would not be for your benefit (although I have no doubt would help your healing process) but to help the children in their healing process and provide them with a real and tangible link to their birth family and life story. There are of course times that this contact is not right or breaks down for the child and it needs to be stopped. I in fact know a birth mother in this situation and she gets angry that she is being denied it. I have had to work with her a bit to help her realise the purpose behind it, it is not her right or there to help her but to help the child. For what ever reason the parents are saying at this stage it is not appropriate for that child. As birth mother she must respect this.

I can tell you now if you were our BM I would move heaven and earth to maintain a good and honest relationship for the sake of my children. However, for your own health and well being I think you have to move away from clinging to these letters as your main straw of hope because for many many reasons they may not always come. I do hope though you get answers and reassurance soon but do seek out support and counselling to help you move forward from this.

Thanks Pinklady. I am in therapy so that makes it a lot easier to deal with things. It's still fresh for me and the 1st anniversary of final contact is just weeks away but at least I have a therapist to talk to about this. Many don't.

darkriver unfortunately my experience of letterbox as a birth parent is that it tends to always be late. It’s very hard to deal with, but the reality is we have very little control. Wait and see what the letterbox coordinator has to say when they do respond. My advice would be give it a week and if you haven’t heard email again.

Update.
After letterbox not getting back to me last week I gave them another call. Adopters haven't sent anything so they are going to send a second reminder.

It's incredibly difficult to not get disheartened by the whole process. I am especially disheartened as when I met the adopters in Jan I asked that if they can't send it for whatever reason let letterbox know and I will be understanding and it will also take the stress off me. I know i need to put it in the background but its only been a year...

I told the adopters that if I don't have a response by July then I will send a letter to be put on file and I will do so every year. The agreement is for twice yearly but, there is no way I am putting myself through this hell if I am not going to get a response.

letterbox not adopters.

I’m so sorry darkriver I know how soul destroying the process is. I hope you hear from them soon.

This may be of interest too some After Adoption went into liquidation recently No doubt they administered Letterbox contact's. Visit there Webb site for details of what too do in event of.
So Sorry for all concerned. No Doubt with Austerity other agency's may face similar.

@fasparent I havent been contacted by any other service in the two months since they went into administration. When I spoke to letterbox today they didn't offer any other service or any advice generally . If I had my adoption support worker she would have chased this up.

These may be able too help you need a third party for advice and support. Worth a call. www.frg.org.uk

darkriver you are probably best to contact the local authority that dealt with the adoption. They will be best placed to let you know who is dealing with letterbox.

If you don’t get a response keep emailing and phoning (about 1 pm used to work for me- it seemed the only time anyone was at their desk!).

If you don’t get a response in a week or so, make a complaint. The local authority have a duty of care not only to your daughters but also to you.

Also do everything via email- that way even if you don’t manage to get any letterbox from them you will always have proof it was sent and that you tried

@ourchristmasmiracle the frustration I having is that two authorities merged together and it been a shambles since. I knew from watching your struggles that Letterbox was going to be a nightmare but, I feel like the communication aspect from the service is a joke.

I don't understand that if they have a duty to me why am I not getting any support? It's so frustrating and I can see why some birth parents give up as they are not supported.

I am not frustrated with the adopters I need to clarify that but, with the letterbox services and the lack of support.

darkriver unless you ask for support you honestly won’t get it and even then you will need to push. Have you had any post adoption counselling? If not please ask for it, it was massively helpful for me.

There is also PAC uk that do run support groups for those in London or Leeds.

I know that there is very little support for birth parents after the adoption, the vast majority of support both from local authorities and charities is aimed at the adoptive parents and adoptees, something that I strongly feel needs to change.

You are not alone, and I know exactly how hard this process is.

If helpful you can quote that as an adoption agency under the adoption and children’s act 2002 they have a responsibility to provide support to all parties to adoption: adoptive families, birth families and adopted adults.

If you look under the adoption part of the local authority website it may well have information on who to contact.

@ourchristmasmiracle I am in therapy and the adoption does come up. I can't see more than one therapist at a time due to conflicts of treatment. Unfortunately, I have to just add it to the pile of issues to deal with. Trauma sucks.

I am down south but, to far from London. I know my adoption support work said that the government have a duty to support BPs but it doesnt happen at all.

They then wonder why BPs don't change or stay in chaotic lives.

I know adopters are fighting for support but birth parents are invisible and ignored in the whole process.

I agree. It’s almost like a birth parents we are then set up to fail, to get pregnant again and have another child taken. Surely it makes sense to work to prevent that from happening again?? Surely working with birth parents who are often in themselves vulnerable adults to getting to a positive place and to heal the trauma they have experienced makes more sense- that way they either don’t have another child or you are in right place to be a good parent.

The support you get is probably going to be limited. Even with pushing I don’t feel I’ve been supported appropriately. I also went through therapy. Fortunately my first access was via post adoption support, and then I moved onto other specialised counselling.

Keep accessing the support that you have got. And do email your local authority adoption support team. Keep everything. Email and ask directly for support with letterbox, with maintaining it and with making sure that it happens and when.

Have you got a letterbox agreement? If not I would start with that

Yeah I have a letterbox agreement but it doesn't mean much does it really. The only support I really have is my two friends and my therapist.

First step is To contact your local authority and find out the name and email of the person dealing with the letterbox.

You can do this! I am happy to support you if you need it.

@miracle
I spoke to the person yesterday. I have to wait ancouple of weeks to see if it arrives.