Contact being minimised

[OurChristmasMiracle]

I’ve finally heard back. My sons parents are proposing moving forward one letter per year. No drawing or photo and it’s to be sent in a month they are aware is impossible for me to get time off to collect it and the month of my dads death.

I’m in pieces and don’t see where I go from here: they have stated they aren’t legally obliged to do so and don’t have to “if they don’t want to”

I’m sat at work in tears listening to babies crying and feel like I’m drowning right now

I am so sorry Miracle. I am dreading this happening to me, its a shame the adopters aren't being more flexible especially as you have been so supportive. Xx

Miracle, I’m not an adopter but I’ve followed your posts and find your story heartbreaking. I so wish you could have been supported to look after your son,
I’m so sorry to hear this about letterbox contact. Just wanted to reply to let you know I’m reading and admire you greatly x

Nothing useful to say. Just sorry, and thinking of you.

Miracle, I am gutted for you. I know how committed you are to supporting the adoption and the adopters. This must be a kick in the teeth. There is little or nothing you can do other than accept that for some reason (hopefully a reason that has your and their sons needs at the centre) they have decided once a year is appropriate and right at this time. Could you continue to right a second one per year and ask for it to be kept on file so that in the future if he wants to access his files he will know that you kept your side of the original agreement.

Just an explaination of no drawings or photos. Letterbox contact is usually between adopter and birth parent. The child is usually kept out of the process. The adopters may have been advised by supporting services to go down this line hence no drawings. As adopters we are very pro contact and in fact have face to face contact with our BM but we have put our foot down at photos. This is entirely for safety and social media purposes. We can tell from your posts you are a very reasonable person and are unlikely to do anything with the photos that could put your child at risk but the adopters don’t know you in the same way and so again may just be taking a precautionary stance.

I understand you feel so much loss but it may help for you to take a step back and look at the purpose of post adoption contact. Contact is to maintain an open line of communication with a child’s past/genetic family. It is to help them as they grow into adulthood make sense of their past and provide answers and as when questions arise. While it is most definitely helpful for birth family in allowing them to maintain a link with their child it is not for their benefit. So perhaps for the adopters they have come to realise that once a year is a high enough level to serve this purpose for their son. Sorry, I do not say these things to hurt you, although it may sound harsh, but rather to help you reflect on the purpose and the possible reasoning behind their decisions.

I pray that you will come to a place of peace regarding contact and that you receive the right support to understand this and be able to move on with this new routine.

miracle I’m so sorry to hear this. It’s crap for you.

Like pinklady I was also wondering whether trying to think about their decision in a different way (I.e once a year contact might be what his adoptive parents feel is best for him at the moment) might help you, in time, come to terms with what must feel utterly devastating at the moment.

I don’t mean to be trite at all, I can’t begin to comprehend how hard this must be for you.

Fwiw my personal opinion - from what I know of you from your posts - is that I don’t think you deserve this reduction in contact and I think the adopters attitude is wrong in this circumstance but I also know that hanging on to feelings of anger towards them and the situation in the long term will just make you feel worse.

Really sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Moving forwards I think for my own well being I need to just write to them when letterbox is due, regardless to whether I have heard from them or not.

I’ve also decided that I won’t be providing any new photos of myself and I feel I need to step back and share less personal information. I’ve always been quite open as I thought it was beneficial to my son but I also have to be mindful of my own well being.

I am waiting to meet with the social worker and I will be asking for a document outlining the changes to contact so my son will be aware of what was done, by who and the reason for it.

If I’m honest I see this as a gateway to stopping contact altogether. I’m feeling come the time it’s due they will say they aren’t providing it anymore. But I could be wrong

Miracle,
This is what my first thought. They seem to be letting you down "gently." If it was me I would still write the letters anyway right up until he turns 18 so you can show you kept your side of the agreement.

I agree about distancing yourself, as much as you want to commit to being there for your son the best you can you need to think about yourself.

It's hard enough dealing with grief as a birth parent with this added on top.

Subconsciously, I am preparing for this inevitable outcome whether it's in 5 or 10 years.

Take care of yourself as best as you can.

Have you been told why? I find it quite hard to write contact letters. It takes me a few weeks to be happy with what I send. It would be that they are struggling to do it twice a year.
That said, I would happily write twice a year if BM was as supportive and engaged as you are. We haven't heard back for a while.

Miracle, I hope you are able to continue to write your letters for your son. My adoptive Mother made decisions about contact based purely on her own selfish ideas and completely disregarded my (adopted) brother's needs. The implications are felt decades later.

The reason they have given currently is “we aren’t legally obliged to and we don’t have to if we don’t want to” but we will once a year- phrased as if it is a favour.

They also have said they have “friends with adopted children who stopped doing this a while ago”

It very much sounds to me as they can’t be bothered. I ask appropriate questions- does he enjoy art/football. How’s swimming lessons going? Nice summer holiday- nothing identifying, so there is something to write back to as well. My sons father has never really engaged and I am feeling like I am a just a nuisance and annoyance to my sons parents.

I think this is probably your plan anyway, but I would keep writing the letters each time so they are on file.

I am doing this from the "other side" as it were - birth family for their own reasons have never participated in letterbox, but I still write as per the original agreement each year, and I'll keep doing that unless my child specifically asks me to stop. One day perhaps the birth family will feel able to read the letters on file and may respond. Maybe that won't happen. But I will always be able to show my child I kept the communication option open, and I think that's important.

I am sure I cannot imagine how this is for you. I wish you peace.

p.s. I have "friends with adopted children" too, loads of them and while very few ever get responses, most of them still write and have their letters lodged on file.

I’ve booked in to see the social worker on Monday to discuss where we go from here with contact

The month they have suggested really doesn’t work for me on an emotional level- I will therefore be advocating that they are free to send contact at this time; however they cannot expect me to respond in within the month as my own well being has to be my priority, especially as our son is not aware that contact even takes place at current, so I am placing my own well being first. Therefore they can expect a response it by x month.

I’m Not looking forwards to the meeting if I’m honest and I’m giving them til next contact, if it is delayed or not sent then my only option is court much as I don’t want to but if they stop contact anyway, at least our son can see I tried. I’m going to ask social worker if there’s any chance of mediation on Monday as well.

I don’t wish to make their lives difficult or hard but I’ve pretty much been backed into a corner

Can you write the letter a few months begore and then post it in the desired month? Or is that a weird suggestion?

They write first so it would be very difficult to write beforehand if I’m honest.

I think court would be an absolutely massive mistake. You say it is for the benefit of your son but, as you have fought this long, he can already see you have fought and cared. You were, in the past, going to make them put a letter on file about this weren’t you? This will be enough. If you take his parents to court, and stress the hell out of them then it WILL negatively affect your son. You don’t know what else is going on in their lives and you could push them over the edge. I know that if someone took my parents to court over such a thing, and it caused them stress and misery, I would not forgive that person. Especially if their motives were to prove they cared and they had already done that.

I absolutely agree that you do not have to write back in the same month. In fact, many adopters have it in their agreement that the adopters write in one month and the birth parents write back in another month. That is fine and your right.

I’m sorry miracle, I genuinely do not mean to sound harsh, but I feel you need to take a step back. I cannot even begin to tell you what damage you will do by chasing this through a court. You have always sounded like a birth parent who will be brilliant if your child reaches out when they grow up. Please don’t spoil that by letting yourself become consumed over something you have no control over. It would be such a terrible shame, it really would.

And honestly, if my child’s birth parents began harassing me for more contact or threatening court or pushing for mediation, my reaction would be to shut them down totally and go non contact and fight all the way with it. I would turn into a protective mother bear and want to shield my family from the stress. I would fight that and they would not win. This would ruin any relationship we would ever hope to have.

The adopters on this board, and their support and carefully worded posts are wonderful but it isn’t a reflection of how people in the thick of it react in real life. You will get their backs up (if you haven’t already) when you know nothing of why they want contact to stop. They are very likely choosing not to share the reasons with you. I can’t say more on this to be honest as I know from the past that you will not listen to this but I feel strongly that a different point of view needs to be put forward for your consideration.

That being said, I repeat that you DO sound a lovely mother And you are understandably suffering greatly.

Just to clarify- I mean the they are possibly choosing not to share real reasons with you, especially if they are personal or if your son is the one making the decision.

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Miracle has had the advice that court action would be pointless and harmful many times. FWIW I don't think she will choose to do this, because I think she genuinely wants to do what's best for her son, and knows that would not be it. I think it's just an expression of frustration and lack of control.

I know that if someone took my parents to court over such a thing, and it caused them stress and misery, I would not forgive that person.

I'm adopted and I have to say this is very true.

Miracle

I still don't have any useful advice, but I think you need to look after yourself now and try to find a way to let go of the situation as much as possible. Look at it once a year (at a time you feel able) but concentrate on your life now, the rest of the year.

I am an adoptee, adopted from care, and I am in two minds about this. I would have preferred it if my bm had fought for contact through the courts if it had been an option back then. For many adoptees contact is very importance, and it is not or shouldn't be adoptive parents vs birth parents, both are important for different reasons. The adult adoptee view about this issue is going to depend on many things, including the age they were adopted and whether relinquished or not and whether bp wanted to maintain contact, and how the adoptive parents managed things.

On the other hand it is impossible to advise on what action someone should take over a forum because we don't have all the relevant facts.

I suspect that contact is something which will get a proper shake up and review at some point.

Turning to the letters, OP it would have made a huge difference to me to have had letters with lots of personal information and thoughts during the years when I did not have contact. I worried terribly and I also made up scenarios in my imagination far too much during that time. It would have been much better to have hard concrete information, especially information I could go back to and understand better as I got older. I would have wanted a letter when it was due, rather than dependent on receiving one from the adoptive parents, even if it meant it was written "blind". If that were explained at the start of the letter, it would be fine. I would also have liked more letters than the contracted number, irrespective of what letters were being written by adoptive parents.

OP, it sounds as though things have broken down or are breaking down. I hope that you get good advice about it, and that things can be resolved in a way that helps everyone.

*very important

Honestly I feel as though they are not prepared to be flexible in the slightest which has damaged the relationship. I’ve clearly stated x month doesn’t and won’t work for me but they’ve kind of said “tough we are doing it then” which obviously means either the letter they receive as a response is going to be rushed/emotional or not received. I’ve been open and honest about my reasoning and they are being very rigid

I just want a document that my son WILL have access to that says “mum tried to maintain contact but this was blocked/minimised by your parents” so that my son is aware that this wasn’t my decision.

They wrote within their contact letter about reducing yet I had to write back separately as they wouldn’t accept the letter- why what are they trying to hide. All I said was whilst I respect they are my sons parent I couldn’t agree to a reduction in contact- why can’t our son see this?

Our son is currently not involved in contact so wouldn’t be the one making this decision.

The reality will be they will get a letter and I will write other letters and send to the email I’ve set up for my sons letters- which I forward all correspondence from social services and his parents to for him to see when he’s older.

The reason I haven’t been to court prior
Is because I don’t want to cause stress or misery to anyone: I’m very worried though that should my son chose not to access his file he will never know that I did try.

All I said was whilst I respect they are my sons parent I couldn’t agree to a reduction in contact- why can’t our son see this? because you dc will benefit from knowing about what is going on in your life now, not from knowing that there are contentious issues between you and his adoptive parents in such terms.

There are different issues here. One is writing letters which will benefit your son. The other is resolving things to do with contact with the adoptive parents as best you can working via the SW and other help and advice you can access in real life.

I understand that it is difficult that they are ignoring what you have said about the month of contact.

In terms of your dc knowing in the future that you were not happy about contact arrangements, this is important, but it is not ideal to be putting it in the letters in the way you have quoted. I hope that that makes sense.

This is just my view, obviously. It is tough dealing with contentious issues with children, to help them understand what they need to understand but put in age appropriate ways so that it isn't too much for them and they don't blame themselves for example. Much depends on how a child is day to day.

So If it’s not ok for me to respond to it- why was it even permitted in letterbox in the first place. My son can read his parents said this but not my response to it? Doesn’t seem very fair- surely this should have all been outside of letterbox?

I am not sure in terms of what is allowed, but assume that their son would not have been read the letter they wrote to you in full? Though in terms of what is helpful to your dc, it doesn't matter what they are doing - try to find a way forward which is the best thing for him irrespective of what they are doing, in terms of letter content, is my advice. Deal with the resolving of contact issues and relationship (as between you and his adoptive parents) problems separately.