I'm not the mum I wanted to be.

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My DS is 25 months, came home a year ago. First 4-6 weeks were difficult but things have been great since then. Until now.

I know it's just the Terrible Two's. I know he's still so little and his behaviour is mostly normal (tantrums, hitting me when he gets upset). He is struggling to control his emotions, which is fine, because he is 2 and still learning and it is my job to help him.

But I can't. I'm just so exhausted and I am not the loving therapeutic parent I wanted to be working comes to handling the hitting. I try to hold his hands and tell him we don't hit but it just makes him worse. And when he gets upset he won't let me near him to try to calm him down (he is like this with everyone- DH, my parents, childminder). He had a huge tantrum today at the zoo (he was very tired and I had just put him in the buggy because he had run off and hit me), he was screaming and screaming. I went a found a quiet corner just the two of us, but he wouldn't calm down and anytime I tried to say anything to him it made him worse. Like he couldn't physically tolerate hearing my voice. I just feel helpless because I want to be able to soothe him and tell him it will be ok but he just seems to never want me.

OP from the your more recent updates it sounds great but it also sounds as though you are feeling the pressure of having to work, being the higher wage earner plus the main care giver, and if so it isn't surprising that you are feeling the strain.

I would probably think about that strain - it sounds as though you don't have a choice but it may be that which is the problem, and the tantrums push you over the edge so to speak (totally understandable) and by you thinking about the strain and how you will manage it, it may help generally.

But your current plan of being determined to cope sounds great.

When I don't cope as well as I should, and end up yelling at the top of my voice (my dc are older now), I always walk away muttering "good modelling, mummy, good modelling" and the humour seems to help.
We all strive to be better!

don supportive is good but if you think someone is making a mistake it is a good idea to point that out too, generally.

@zofloramummy I think what makes a difference re TV (I do not have strong views about food) with adoption is trauma - where a child has suffered trauma it will have affected their brains, and their brains need all the help available to recover, and TV is AFAIK extremely unhelpful. Also adopted children are at risk of when overwhelmed retreating into themselves, and TV makes this worse. I am talking about young children, not starving a teenager of screen time. Basically physical and sensory and interacting activities are a million times better. Obviously the odd half hour isn't going to hurt, nor is the odd film. I am commenting about it because I read a thread where someone recommending TV as a comfort, and basically I do think that that is a really, really bad idea.

But anyway - not relevant to the OP. Sorry OP.

TV is AFAIK extremely unhelpful

Do you have some links to the research you are referring to?

where a child has suffered trauma it will have affected their brains, and their brains need all the help available to recover

The research around trauma, child development and neuroscience isn’t as straightforward as you’re painting it and doesn’t consider brain plasticity. Children who have experienced trauma have a wide spectrum of needs, but in the right environment the brain will naturally build the pathways it needs to develop and grow. The concepts around therapeutic parenting support that development.

To my knowledge there’s no evidence that tv is harmful to children who have experienced trauma, children do need a variety of experiences, they also need down time, entertainment, connection and sitting down time. For my two, sitting cuddled on the sofa watching a movie has been hugely therapeutic for all of us. A way to be together without constant activity.

When children are overwhelmed they may need to retreat into themselves, if this is a well established coping strategy for them it would be neglectful to ignore this need. Yes they need to develop more connected, healthier coping strategies but that’s going to take time and is a slowly slowly process. Removing or preventing a known coping strategy before new ones have developed sends the child into confusion and means they have no way of soothing themself - especially if relationships have been dangerous or frightening and you are forcing them, when overwhelmed, to hold themself in relationship with someone to sooth. Working from the child’s frame of reference and at their pace is essential and if that means using tv, that’s fine. No one is suggesting 24/7, but as part of a whole parenting strategy it’s fine.

If you have research to suggest otherwise I’d love to see it.

don I don't, no, sorry. I am talking about when dc are young, and my dc are older now so I considered the issue of TV and what to do many years ago. My dc have almost entirely recovered from trauma now. There is more guidance available now and most of it tallies up with the conclusions I drew at the time, though I haven't looked at TV specifically recently.

jellyfish as i said above, my children suffered terribly with trauma and they are pretty much recovered now. It wasn't straightforward at all. I think that when you say The research around trauma, child development and neuroscience isn’t as straightforward as you’re painting it and doesn’t consider brain plasticity. Children who have experienced trauma have a wide spectrum of needs, but in the right environment the brain will naturally build the pathways it needs to develop and grow. The concepts around therapeutic parenting support that development it isn't exactly as you say - the brain will build pathways if it gets the right stimulation at the right time - and it needs planning and thought. But I am not going to try to change your mind on this! We can agree to differ.

watching films - as I said, sitting down together with the odd film is fine and can be nice and therapeutic - so we aren't disagreeing there.

When children are overwhelmed they may need to retreat into themselves, if this is a well established coping strategy for them it would be neglectful to ignore this need I totally disagree with this. If a child is withdrawing into themselves as a coping strategy then it is something which the child needs to be gently helped with as a matter of urgency. But again, I don't think we are going to reach agreement on this, even if I produce research and case studies, so we can agree to differ.

Two things from your post, the hand holding when he hits may be making him feel more threatened, so be the opposite of calming to him.
We were advised by CAMHs to blank DS until he stopped hitting, turn away don't respond keep turning away or step back with your back to him until he stops. They said he needed us more than he wanted to express his rage. I tore myself up in knots about him not being able to express his feelings but when he was calmer he could talk more easilY. They were the ones that said if he is in Fight or flight mode holding onto him is seen as an act of aggression to his stressed brain.
That worked for us, as a PP said some things work really well for some children and not others.

Secondly I gave myself sticker charts for really tough times. And I do remember a year in was a really tough time. Tougher than the start in some ways.
We were told that it takes a long time to fully settle the feeling of "Oh it's been a year, things are changing maybe I will move on again"
They need to have been with you at least as long as they have been anywhere else to feel settled and even then there will be a disruption before acceptance.
CAMHs pointed out each time DS made a big emotional leap forwards he had a very big leap back first.
I agree with the poster above TV can be soothing for a brain that finds that world too much. It isn't a 24/7 approach but if it can be calming then use it from time to time.
Even now my DS and DD find it calming/soothing to have a swing in their room for some outbursts.
And take heart if something works sometimes not others, that is more to do with their trigger rather than you getting it wrong.

Hi OP,
Our wee one has been with us for over three and a half years now and times are very tough.
He was two and a half when placed and we have run the gauntlet... swearing, hitting, head butting, attacking the dog (re-homed now) trashing his bedroom. Wetting, soiling, goading, and pressing every. Single. Button. That we have got!
I'm not the mum I wanted to be. At times I am shouty. At times when I return him to bed for what feels like the millionth time, I'm not as gentle as I could be.
But, do you know what?
I'm doing my BEST. My husband is doing his BEST.
It's all we can do?
I've found Sarah Naish - 'The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting' really helpful.
We just keep going with our heads down. I know it will be ok. Our boy is happy and cheerful, but he has a lot to contend with as a child of trauma and multiple moves.
We will help him. And we will get there.
Good luck

I don't think we are going to reach agreement on this, even if I produce research and case studies, so we can agree to differ.

That seems a big assumption. Personally I always like to read studies, because many of the claims made around adoption are erroneous or overstated.

Of course a scientific study is not some magic crystal ball (making firm conclusions about human behaviour is very hard- too many variables), but (for example) a large cohort study showing negative effects of TV for children who've suffered trauma would be strongly indicative and I'd certainly factor that into my thinking.

I know many of the regulars on here are similarly open minded in discussions and do read relevant literature.

There is more guidance available now

That's really interesting. I've not seen any guidance on TV use- who is it from?

I haven’t seen anything about trauma and screentime and would like to if available. If there is evidence please do share.

I would have a look at innerworldwork.co.uk they support children after trauma and have a very nice page of survival care (as oppose to self care) in resources for parents which i found so helpful as self care (yoga next week etc) is not always achievable in the moment and if you need tv to survive it’s ok and doesn’t make you any less therapeutic in parenting

These feelings do pass. Developmental changes can be tough and life can be tough. We all feel like this but then we at times are the parents we want to be too.
Put self care first and give yourself a break

Thanks all for the lovely messages. We are already off to a better start today but his hitting seems to be more playful today than tantrummy- e.g..I took him downstairs this morning (he slept in my bed from 2am, DH slept on the sofa after a night out) and put him in the living room with DH whilst I had a wee, came back into the living room and he was stood in my way hitting me. Not upset or angry just trying to stop me coming in. So I just said "Ok I don't think you want mummy to come in? Mummy will go back to bed then, you can stay here with daddy". A couple of minutes later he came upstairs with a pretend cup of tea for me and brought me back downstairs. No more hitting yet but it's still only 8.30am!

That sounds like a lovely way of dealing with that kids of playful hitting, it might work for the less playful hitting too?

Jelly that's what I'm thinking. I need to remind myself that his hitting is him trying to communicate something to me so rather than getting cross I need to pay attention to what he's trying to tell me first, then reiterate the "not hitting" message later.

With my daughter, she reacts to the “don’t hit” message by hitting more and using it as her go to in order to self sabotage. I now just use the flip side “gentle hands please” or ignore the hitting by just focusing on the source “you are very angry, I can see that” . The lower reaction to the hitting seems (for now!) to have resulted in her not immediately doing it to provoke a reponse.

comehome my DS is the same, he seems to only hear the words "hit me" rather than the don't! I think I'll try waiting for him to calm down/when the moment is over and just reinforce kind hands, "we can do lots of things with our hands like high fives and clapping".

Also bear in mind that it is normal to react emotionally to someone hitting you because we see it ( subconsciously) as a perceived threat to our safety. Flight and fight and all that ! So don't beat yourself up about feeling a bit miffed, no one likes aggression whatever the circumstances, but continue to override that, stay calm and do what you are doing. I think you are doing great.

don and comehomemax there is information and research about tv watching so it is worth you googling it and giving it some thought, if you want to. Sorry I can't help more this time.

I wonder if might be worth moving the tv discussion to another partly so it can be searched for more easily and partly because it distracts from the original post

I have a 2 year old and I agree the tantrums are exhausting. Mine is going through the dropping the nap phase too which means when he is tired we certainly know about it!
You're doing everything right, and just remember when he is a teenager you can embarrass him by telling him all about these days.
Sending hugs, it's a hard time but it's only a phase (I'm told) x

In case it helps - someone asked me a year into adoption "how is it compared to what you were expecting?"

My immediate reaction was "I'm NOTHING as good a parent as I was expecting to be!" and 12 years later and i have a teen that's still true!

I think feeling rejected is quite normal you just have to accept that's how you feel and work through it.

DS was a little older when he went through his manic hitting phase. about 3ish. I did do a few gentle holding time in's with him on my lap facing away from me and me counting down from 60, with the count starting again if he hit. We only did it a couple of times and it really was because there was no other option that was safe and he had terrible problems with exclusion so I couldn't even leave him in a different room to calm down. It did improve quite quickly as his speech improved.

We've had such a nice weekend. Yesterday we stayed in all day (except for a quick dog walk) playing and painting. He was such a good boy, he did fall asleep on the sofa at half 3 which meant I had to wake him up at 4 otherwise bedtime would be a nightmare. He had a meltdown but I don't blame him, he was knackered! I just sat on the floor in front of him reminding him I was there and drawing him a picture he could paint once he calmed down. Took about 20 minutes but after that he was great.

Today we have had.....ZERO tantrums! A few whinges with hitting but he's managed to stop pretty quickly. I've been reminding him "We don't..." and he says "hit". Then I ask him what our hands can do and he claps. Hoping that eventually sinks in.

We've had a few incidents of biting today which is new and bloody annoying but it's been playful rather than tantruming so hoping we can nip it in the bud quick.

that sounds like a lovely weekend, well done. Hopefully the first of many

Just re. the 'don't hit' vs 'be gentle', I think it always works best to give a positive instruction rather than a negative one. So, instead of 'stop playing football in the kitchen' say 'take the ball into the garden please' or instead of 'don't put playdough on the sofa' say 'put the playdough on the table please'.

It makes a generally more positive environment because you're not constantly saying no/don't/stop. Also I think it's easier for the child to do the right thing if they have a clear and specific instruction for what they should do rather than a list of things they shouldn't.

Be gentle or be kind covers all the behaviour whereas don't hit leaves the door open for biting/kicking/scratching/pinching etc!

Nice one OP! Onwards and upwards.