I'm not the mum I wanted to be.

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My DS is 25 months, came home a year ago. First 4-6 weeks were difficult but things have been great since then. Until now.

I know it's just the Terrible Two's. I know he's still so little and his behaviour is mostly normal (tantrums, hitting me when he gets upset). He is struggling to control his emotions, which is fine, because he is 2 and still learning and it is my job to help him.

But I can't. I'm just so exhausted and I am not the loving therapeutic parent I wanted to be working comes to handling the hitting. I try to hold his hands and tell him we don't hit but it just makes him worse. And when he gets upset he won't let me near him to try to calm him down (he is like this with everyone- DH, my parents, childminder). He had a huge tantrum today at the zoo (he was very tired and I had just put him in the buggy because he had run off and hit me), he was screaming and screaming. I went a found a quiet corner just the two of us, but he wouldn't calm down and anytime I tried to say anything to him it made him worse. Like he couldn't physically tolerate hearing my voice. I just feel helpless because I want to be able to soothe him and tell him it will be ok but he just seems to never want me.

I think many of us feel we arent the mum or dad we wanted to be, I'm certainly not.

You know the reasons why he is like he is, but its exhausting dealing with it day in day out, Is there anyone who can have him for a few hours this weekend to give you a break with your DH ?

Are you quite busy with him usually - days out, toddler groups etc?

Im sorry OP, sounds like you’ve had a particularly shit day. Please don’t beat yourself up about not always being able to therapeutically parent through a tantrum. The best advice I got was that I had to read my own reactions and triggers to shouting/hitting and not try to be something I couldn’t get to in that moment but to remove myself a little if need be while I controlled myself. So with my similar age/stage daughter to your LO, I would sit her somewhere safe but not always try and hold or console till I had my own breathing under control. I guess it’s similar to counting to 5 before reacting. Then I might just talk to her, letting her hear a calm voice till the worst passed before trying to hold. & cuddle.

The tantrums at that age can be pretty spectacular- you have my sympathy. Ours is moving out of that stage now but for a while it was really hard!

OP you are not alone! My DD (birth DD) is 2 years old too and you could be describing her! When she is cross she doesn't want any sort of comfort, and trying to offer any makes her worse. I don't take it personally I just wait and let her calm down on her own and then cuddle after. You're not doing anything wrong and your son sounds completely normal! It will pass, it's just a phase he's going through. Best thing to do is just be near him but don't speak to him until he's ready

I work 3 days a week and those days I leave the house before he wakes up and am home to pick him up about 2 hours before bedtime. Those 2 hours are usually lovely and happy. I then WFH on the fourth day, he is with me and we have that as downtime as he is usually exhausted from 3 days in childcare. My work isn't constant, I ping a few emails and occasionally have a call (a friend of mine will come over to play with him and occupy him if I'm on a call). But we mostly stay indoors except for school run. So on Friday, my day off, we do usually go out. Weekends are quite chilled.

He's also in the process of dropping his nap (he's sleeping 13 hours a night so this isn't worrying to me) which is fine if we are at home but he gets tired around midday if we are out so I know that's his trigger. Will try to avoid being out at that time from now on.

I just feel so rejected. Which I know is pathetic. I love him so much but when he is distressed he just really looks at me like he hates me. And everyone around me is telling me how well he's doing, how settled he is, how tantrums are normal- which I know is true but just doesn't feel like anyone understands. Maybe it is normal to want to self-soothe rather than wanting to be touched or spoken to, but it's so much harder when you have your adoption hat on and are worrying if it's a response to trauma or something instead. It's so exhausting.

My DH has issued me strict orders to leave the house in the morning with a book and head to a coffee shop for as long as I need to. He's even come back from work with a £20 Costa voucher for me.

you have a lovely DH

If he has been with you a year have you just gone back to work? If so thats a big change for both of you - a lot to get used, maybe he is feeling unsettled and a bit insecure?

Do you have to work OP? Because if not, it sounds like he might benefit from more 1:1 with you. You might enjoy that too. If you have to work the days you are working I can see that that is tough for you. But it is probably tougher for him.

I don't think it is at all fair to him for you to be working from home and caring for him at the same time on one day in any event. He doesn't need down time, and I am not sure how you get a 2 year old to have down time other than put him in front of a tv. That wouldn't be doing him any good at all, and may well be making him angry.

You really cannot work from home and care for a 2 year old at the same time. If it isn't really work from home, just a few emails, then you could catch up in the evening?

I've been back at work since end of October, he did really well with me going back but I think he struggled with me going back after Christmas because I was off for nearly three weeks.

I know he would benefit from 1:1 time with me but we just cannot afford it. My husband earns minimum wage, I bring in most of the money (we can't afford for DH to cut down on hours either). I work in government so am "on call" on my WFH day so need to be near my laptop but we really do spend that day just playing and painting etc with me responding to a few emails. It's just that we do need to be at home.

Sorry when I said downtime I didn't mean literally just doing nothing, I meant having a day in his own house with his own toys to just play.

have you looked into what benefits you may be able to claim. I work three days a week, and even though my son is older (14) I still find it difficult sometimes

We aren't eligible for any benefits. Household income of over £50k but high outgoings because my DH was out of work for a few months last year (completely unexpected) so had to take out a loan to make up the shortfall. And I have commuting costs as well that are high even just for those 3 days, but finding a job closer to home would mean a bigger paycut that wouldn't be worth it.

Hi OP

I’m not sure why you are having to justify working?! That is completely fine!

I have a toddler of similar age and am struggling with the tantrums. My elder child literally never tantrumed at all so this one is a real shock to me!

My elder child was very verbal early so maybe that is the difference.

My second child just has to run his course on tantrums. It doesn’t seem to matter what I say or do. I just wait there (feeling really self conscious tbh) and when he starts to slow down I get right down with him and offer him a cuddle and then just do that until his breathing is back to normal.

I need to try to not let it upset me so much.

Take care xx

chosen he isn't very verbal so that could be contributing. His speech is fine but still not talking in sentences yet. I know it's just a combination of tiredness and being overwhelmed. But I don't like how I react, I want to be calm and therapeutic but until I get a break from it I can't see how it will happen.

OP there is nothing wrong with tv downtime! Don’t feel guilty - if you need it, it’s a bloody lifesaver in my house!

Nap dropping was a big trigger for tantrums for one of mine - it definitely improved once they adjusted to the tiredness

Now you have described it OP, the odd email, and you are doing things together at home, it sounds fine. As you say, the more 1:1 at this age the better.

I don't think the OP has to justify working, it was just a question.

TV downtime for 2 year olds one day a week would not be ok though.
TV for 2 year old is really not great at all.

OP if your main concern is how you are reacting to the tantrums, it sounds like you were handling things in the right way in the moment. When you are spending time with him, doing lots of talking with and reading with him, asking questions, etc, then do you feel better at that point? Do you have lots of cuddles?

when I know it's not ideal, which is why he doesn't really watch tv. Maybe 30 mins a day at most, and that's not everyday. I try to look at it as a day a week of 'funnelling' so it's just the two of us in our home re-connecting. On the odd occasion I have a work call (I think there times since October) I arrange for someone else to be here for that hour.

I would love to have more time with him but he also really loves his time at the childminder when I am at work. He is very happy there and has made very good friends.

Yeah we interact a lot, always reading or chatting away to him. Always playful, and try to ask him lots of questions. When its good it's very good!

Hi OP,

Our LO has had a few meltdowns since coming to us and I have found this has worked for us. I will stay close and say 'mummy is right here, I know you are having a tough time now but I will stay right here and will be ready for a cuddle when you are' repeatly in a soft voice. Pick a go to response and I found saying the words takes me to a calmer place where I feel in control of the situation.

Then when the storm has blown over we have our chat about what we use our hands for (our hands are not for hitting, what can we use our hands for? High fives... fist bumps... big waves... tickling etc) which turns it into a game - all shamelessly stolen from a book I seen somewhere! I think your LO is a bit too young to start on naming emotions and wondering with them why they are angry etc. but couldn't hurt if you think they would understand.

It’s hard when people tell you things are “normal” when you feel like you’re struggling. Self soothing at that age isn’t really a usual response to tantrums but may be how he learned to cope very early on - he literally may have no idea how to accept sooothing when he feels so overwhelmed. And yes, I can really understand feeling rejected.

I found the concepts of therapeutic parenting really worked with one of my children and really didn’t for the other. She was confused about where the boundaries lay, couldn’t work our natural consequences and was very used to having to cope with strong feelings on her own so didn’t know how to ask for help or care.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job, even if it feels like you’re not. The return to routine after holidays throws kids out at the best of times but for a little one for whom routine feels safe, it’s a bigger challenge. Something I found helped was almost constantly chatting about the plan for the day, the week etc. So “today is nursery and we’ll have breakfast, get dressed, mummy will come and get you at x and we’ll do y this afternoon. Lather, rinse repeat.

If he really doesn’t want you near if he’s having a tantrum, and you’re sure he’s physically safe, be with him but not touching, maybe start playing with a favourite toy and when he starts to calm invite him to join in. Theraplay activities can be good for this because they build connection again.

Most of all, you’re human and your little one needs a human relationship with him, you can’t be therapeutic 24/7. Even trained, experienced therapists aren’t therapeutic 24/7, in all of their relationships so please stop beating yourself up. As long as your intention is about building relationship, and you remember the principles of PACE, and try to put them into practice when you can you’ll be good enough. Which is what he needs.

Do get some time away to do grown up human things. My sister gave me a Costa card too in the early days and I used it for coffee and cake and time to just sit, read and rest. The time away was essential for my health and well-being.

Oh goodness this bit is hard. It's hard for a great many kids, never mind adding in the complications of adoption. With my eldest it was like a switch flipped at 2 and she became (intermittently) a demon. It is temporary. It does get better. It might not ever be dead easy, but it's great.

Take the pace/nurtured heart/therapeutic stuff with a pinch of salt- you have to make it practicable and you can't handle every problem like it's a theory session. Every kid is different- find what works for you. People often forget that these parenting models are just as much about routine and structure as they are nurture and bonding. Kids need structure to feel safe. It isn't about no consequences fluffy parenting; it's about thinking things through and applying consequences that work with the nurturing. As you keep reinforcing positive behaviours it's amazing how fast they grow and learn (though at the time the horrible bit feels forever).

I'm not going to repeat all the fab advice you've had, but I will repeat this one: Do get some time away to do grown up human things. Do date night or go out with mates as regularly as you can get sitters- make a routine for you too.

I don't think it is at all fair to him for you to be working from home and caring for him at the same time on one day in any event.

We tend to lean towards supportive, rather than critical on this board. Parenting is hard- doubly so for adopted kids. Situations vary a lot and there are few absolutes.

TV downtime for 2 year olds one day a week would not be ok though. TV for 2 year old is really not great at all.

I weighed up TV down time or me throttling the child. I went for the former.

I weighed up TV down time or me throttling the child. I went for the former.

yup, me too. Plus was the only way I got to go the loo with one of mine.

Thank you all. Great advice as always - I do love this board
I have decided that tomorrow (when I get back from a few hours of coffee and reading!) I am going to cope. I'll follow the advice on here and when he tantrums I will let him know I'm ready for a cuddle whenever he is and I'll just sit and play with his toys until then. I am not going to take it personally. And I'm going to try to pick up on what he's actually trying to tell me when he tantrums - for example I can see when my husband kneels down to talk to DS and gets very close to him when he's already grumpy, DS trys to bat him away and when my husband then tells him no and means closer to hold his hand (to stop him from hitting), that's when he gets aggressive. I can see it unfolding and know it's going to happen before DH does because I can read his cues. So now I need to figure out the cues when he's doing it to me and what I'm doing to provoke that reaction.

Enjoy your coffee OP. Add a muffin too - you deserve it!

absolutely don't feel guilty about TV, the complete works of Paddington (34 episodes!) got me through many a sticky patch.

You msy not be entitled to benefits of your current income but why don't you play around with the calculators to see if dropping a few hours brings you into eligibility.
If you think your child would benefit from a bit less time in childcare its worth thinking about, Also doesnt have to be you that drops hours of course

Sometimes kids need space, sometimes they need a walk outside in the buggy and a 20 min power nap.
Children survive intellectually intact watching tv and eating no veg (ask my half brother, he survived on chicken nuggets, ketchup, and a lot of tv. He went to Oxford, the London law school and now earns six figures).
What children need is structure, love and attention. You sound like you are doing a fab job. This is a phase, it will pass.