Scared we wont be accepted for adoption

[Wannabemum2018]

Hi all

I wanted to get some advice about adoption.

My partner and i have been together 7 years over that time my father who suffered from schizophrenia passed away he killed himself, i have had 3 miscarriages and i recently lost my son in november at 34 weeks pregnant. Im still very upset about my son and both of us are awaiting counselling at the moment so certainly not planning to apply immediatley. My partner and i went through a very bad patch between the second and third miscarrige we were trying to concieve for about 18 months and due to stress of moving house (our house sale fell through at last minute) and buying another house we nearly broke up it was the worst time in our entire relationship its like all the stress and pressure came to a head at that moment and we resented each other. We had a very physical argumennt during that time and my partner put his hands on my neck during a row and it did scare me and he then walked out he didnt come back for 5 days. I was very worried about him and rang the police after about 2 days i ended up telling them what happened. He came back and they arrested him which i didnt asm them to do, i didnt want to press charges as i knew everything that had happened leading up to that and what a mess i had been. We have done a lot of work together on our relationship since then it really was rock bottom. We are both still grieving for our son, but im anxious at the thought of getting pregnant again and fear now even if we wanted to adopt we wouldnt be allowed due to his caution. Please dont think hes the bad one in this, he obviously regrets what happened massivly but i too have big regrets we pushed each other to the point that took place we took the pain out on each other and i would say that was me most of all i was an emotional wreck and emotionally abusive to him, after the second medical miscarriage at 13 weeks pregnant i was devastated and then i was taking hormonal conception drugs on top when the argument occursed.. it was a bad combination. In the 7 years we had been together that had never happened before then and hasnt again after. We do love each other deeply we have just been through an awful lot. Like i say though i fear now we wont be able to adopt if we applied and dont want to put us through that as well if there really is no point. If anyone has any advice i would appreciate it.

It is incredibly sad. All of us have had to face the fact that life is bloody unfair. I suffered miscarriages that kept hospitalising me whilst a lady down the road kept having babies that were taken away. That is life and, sad or not, social services have a duty of care to ensure the children aren’t failed again.

rytonsister - You mention OP’s partner being at his ‘absolute emotional limit’, which then excuses his behaviour... What if they adopt a child and he reaches his ‘absolute emotional limit’ again, because of the child pushing and pushing him, having attachment issues, being a witness to DV, drugs and a whole host of things these children see? What if the child pushed him to his emotional limit again?
What if he then assaults OP AGAIN or, horrifically, their the child?
Making excuses for him is wrong. We have all been at that point where we have reached our own absolute emotional limit, but none of us have behaved in that manner, nor ever will.
Our children have already been through enough, why would SW’s risk putting a child with him?

No I'm really not excusing violence in any level. I'm sorry if it reads that way .

Op I am a birth parent.
Domestic violence was part of the reason I had my breakdown. It was used as a critism against me in the documents despite the fact I left my husband and moved 300 miles away .

Social services are quite rightly negative about DV.

My husband was the abuser. (I forgot to add.)

Much like the other replies, I would be concerned that when faced with such a difficult situation, the reaction was violent. That in itself is a concern. I don’t know if counselling for example would assist in your adoption application? Perhaps make some enquiries with LA or Private Agencies elsewhere in the country you wouldn’t use for advice?

Children, especially adopted children can sometimes be challenging due to their complex past. They may have been removed from a violent family and the potential for this to happen again in their adopted family may be a concern for the SW when assessing.

I have been through terrible IVF stress and heartache ending in a hysterectomy but through all that pain, neither of us have been violent to each other and it has strengthened our bond and understanding of each other.

I’m terribly sorry for your loss and heartache. Perhaps it’s time to put any future plans for a family on hold and strengthen your relationship and get counselling completed first. You have been through an immense amount of emotional strain and being rejected may only add more pressure.

rytonsister

I absolutley agree with you that the OP's situation doesn't mean they will not make good paretns and it's quite possible that her DH has changed enough for that not to be his response in future situations where they are under stress.

But they have to get through a home study and a panel to be approved as parents for children who are vulnerable AND then persuade a matching social worker and panel that they are the best option compared to other availbale prospective adopters.

As I sometimes hear said, you need to remember that adoption (as a service) is to find homes for children not to find children for parents.

I not judge the OP at all and I agree it is a desperately sad situation but OP needs to be realistic and talk to her local adoption team. I suspect they will say exactly what we have (collectively) said. It isn;t coincidence that we've all said more or less the same thing.

I nearly got refused approval because I'm overweight. The point of the proess isn't to be fair.