Scared we wont be accepted for adoption

[Wannabemum2018]

Hi all

I wanted to get some advice about adoption.

My partner and i have been together 7 years over that time my father who suffered from schizophrenia passed away he killed himself, i have had 3 miscarriages and i recently lost my son in november at 34 weeks pregnant. Im still very upset about my son and both of us are awaiting counselling at the moment so certainly not planning to apply immediatley. My partner and i went through a very bad patch between the second and third miscarrige we were trying to concieve for about 18 months and due to stress of moving house (our house sale fell through at last minute) and buying another house we nearly broke up it was the worst time in our entire relationship its like all the stress and pressure came to a head at that moment and we resented each other. We had a very physical argumennt during that time and my partner put his hands on my neck during a row and it did scare me and he then walked out he didnt come back for 5 days. I was very worried about him and rang the police after about 2 days i ended up telling them what happened. He came back and they arrested him which i didnt asm them to do, i didnt want to press charges as i knew everything that had happened leading up to that and what a mess i had been. We have done a lot of work together on our relationship since then it really was rock bottom. We are both still grieving for our son, but im anxious at the thought of getting pregnant again and fear now even if we wanted to adopt we wouldnt be allowed due to his caution. Please dont think hes the bad one in this, he obviously regrets what happened massivly but i too have big regrets we pushed each other to the point that took place we took the pain out on each other and i would say that was me most of all i was an emotional wreck and emotionally abusive to him, after the second medical miscarriage at 13 weeks pregnant i was devastated and then i was taking hormonal conception drugs on top when the argument occursed.. it was a bad combination. In the 7 years we had been together that had never happened before then and hasnt again after. We do love each other deeply we have just been through an awful lot. Like i say though i fear now we wont be able to adopt if we applied and dont want to put us through that as well if there really is no point. If anyone has any advice i would appreciate it.

I'm sure someone with more experience of this kind of situation will come along and comment soon.

From my perspective there are several problems:

1 - the caution on its own would show up in the DBS check and wouold be taken very seriously. It would be a brave panel who would approve someone with a record of domestic violence.

2 - more concerningly (for me) would be that whilst I understand that you have worked on your relationship and feel it's in a better place, parenting an adopted child can put enormous strain on you and your relationships). It would worry me that under such pressure that you and your DH might once more resort to a physical conflict. It's not enough to say "now that everything is resolved we don't have a problem" because its the stressful moments that you need to deal with.

You are right you are not ready to move onto adoption yet. When/if you feel you are then you would need to arrange to speak to someone on your local adoption team who will give you an honest opinion about your chances.

I'm sorry about your son, that is devasting for you both.

Personally I think any thoughts of adoption are just muddying the waters at the moment.

You have been through a number of significan losses. Social workers normally like you to have at least six months after you have finished any fertility treatments before they will consider you. After the loss of a baby at such a late stage, they may want longer. You need to come to terms with your actual losses and have come to terms with not having birth children.
I agree with Kewcumber about the violent incident and the actions of both of you which led to it.
Children can put enormous strains on relationships. I am often shocked when I read posts on other boards here about the behaviour, particularly of men, when a child comes into the relationship.
Adopted children are so much more challenging. They will push buttons you never knew you had. They are experts at whats called splitting, playing parents off agsinst each other. Any weakness they will find it and exploit it. They often need a parent full time at home, placing financial strain on the relationship.
None of us are perfect parents, we have all done things we regret. However the incident you describe is very serious. He could have killed you.
We can't second guess what social workers will say. You can only ask. But I'm sorry you should be prepared for them to say no.

hi

Thank you for respinding and your honest opinion with this.

Well not just saying we have sorted our relationship and it was that easy. Its taken a lot of work and still takes work i dont think anyones relationship is perfect.. we still talk about what happened and how we are each making the other feel if its good or bad at that time as a gage of where we are and we have had time apart sine then and more work on both our parts individually dealing with our own demons to move on from what happened. We love each other though and we are both willing to put in the work to get to a better relationship. I can say we are stronger as a couple because of what happened it has not been easy though to get here.

Your right certainly right about the pressure and we have had to learn to cope with pressure together as a couple as a team rather then fall a part. We have experienced some of the most extremely stressful situations that i can think of, no one knows how they will cope unless they are in those situations and the strain it will have on you as a couple. Most recently losing our son has been another extreme test of our relationship and we handled it in a much more supportive approach and working as a team rather then against each other. But i guess we have learned from our past mistakes. I may just contact an adoption agency and get their honest opinion now at least then we will know where we stand. Thank you again for your advice x

Whilst I think of it (though not wanting to kick you when you're down) it seem to recall that attempted strangulation is a big red flag for future domestic violence.

And the wanting him not to be arrested may also conceren social services - many children end up in care in the first place becasue their mother cannot put the children before her partner.

I am not suggesting that either point applies to you just that social services will be aware of the likelihood in each case and will not treat you as if you are different to the "norm". You will need to prove to their satisfaction that things are different.

But yes as Ted says - I think that is some way off.

Yes I get that but i didnt want him to be arrested because i felt just as much to blame for why we ended up their as you can say your buttons can be pushed and thats what i did to him. Obviously his way of responding to that isnt right and he has had to work on his side of the relationship ALOT. We possibly need to think about what we need to do as a couple and individually before we move forward with anything

I absolutely don't want to kick you when you're down, and I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time of it. But to be completely honest, the chances of you being able to adopt successfully with your current partner are very slim indeed. Going through the adoption process can be heart rending and profoundly challenging, and given your chances of success I don't think I'd put myself through it.

Okay thank you for your advice.

What you have to remember is that there is not actually a shortage of adopters. Even if you got approved with that history (and SWs will have kittens at a DV caution), you'd be competing against families that have never been violent at matching.

Sorry to be harsh, and I'm sorry for your losses.

(There is no way I would stay with anyone who placed their hands around my neck. Never. My honest advice is speak to women's aid and get out. What do your friends think? Relationships take hard work, but they cannot survive abuse.)

Yes I agree with the others. I think your life and relationship would need to be stable for a few years before they would consider you. I also think that even then the chances would be slim of adopting with your current partner.

However, you never know. I would grieve your losses and perhaps give yourselves at least a year to sort your emotions out. Attend all the therapy and courses that you can in order to prove that you are proactive. They will be looking for you to show that you are self aware. This may not be enough but it is the most practical advice I can offer.

I really feel for you Op.

I wouldn't even think that far forwards for now , grieve your losses and just be really really kind to yourselves.

I had a loss at 14 weeks and it completely threw me, I can totally understand how the relationship seemed to fall apart for a while , mine did too .

When you say he out his hands round your neck - was he grabbing you by the throat or did he actually try to strangle you - very different things and would be recorded differently in the dash risk assessment.

It sounds like you've both been through an awful lot- take time out to recover x

OP, I am so sorry to hear what an awful time you have had. I too suspect you would have problems being accepted as adoptive parents. I am an adoptive grandmother and know from seeing what my daughter went through, just how intensive the whole process is. They go into great depth on any perceived areas of weakness. I hope you’ll be gentle with yourself and take plenty of time to heal. With the issue of domestic violence, I speak with some experience here; it tends to resurface during times of extreme stress. No matter how much you work at it, no matter how much you love each other, it has happened and may happen again. I hope for you sake it doesn’t, but please just look after yourself xx

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I agree with the others I'm afraid, adoption is very competitive and even if you have worked through your problems (for now) it happened. He put his hands around your neck. That isn't right.
It also happened when you were both under significant pressure, and adoption isn't easy and will put your relationship under stress you didn't even know existed.

We adopted a 7 month old with no problems. He is now 15 months old. He is a great baby, he sleeps for 12 hours a night, but having him has change the dynamics in our household significantly. We argue more about silly things, who is getting up with him (we both work), even who's turn it is to take the rubbish out.

Your life is never YOUR life again, your LO will be THE most important person in both your lives.

I don't want to sugarcoat it, it's hard, harder than I ever imagined it would be, and we have a 'normal' child.
I also do love him to bits, and would die for him, just wanted to add that! ☺

But, the other thing that concerns me is that you have said you take equal blame for why your partner put his hands around your neck. There is NEVER an excuse for putting your hands on your partner, anyone for that matter, and if my husband EVER touched my in that way he would be gone. No questions asked. No excuses. Gone. I would rather raise my child alone than risk staying with someone who 'might' attack me. Because that's now the reality, your partner attacked you. He's done it once, he could do it again. What if he did that in front of your child? Would you leave him then? What if he put his hands on your child? Would you leave him then?
Sorry, and I don't want to sound harsh, but placing a child with you guys I feel would be considered too risky....

@wannabemum2018 I am very sorry for your losses. I know you have said you worked on your relationship, but I really would urge you to get some alone time, and then talk alone with Women's Aid about what has happened. Get their advice and talk to them about doing the Freedom Programme, even if you think at the moment you don't need it. I would also book a counselling session with Relate on your own and get their advice too. You can get telephone sessions. In relation to the hands round neck I think that kewcumber is right, statistically it is a red flag but they would be able to explain that better and they would have insights into patterns of behaviour etc. If you give them a warts and all rundown of what exactly has happened and has been said they will hopefully provide really good advice, talk about what the future may hold for you, and choices. You may then have a much clearer idea of where you stand generally, not just in relation to adoption.

I wasn't sure whether when you said things got physical you meant both of you or just your partner. I know you referred to you having been emotionally abusive though you didn't give examples. Whichever way, talking alone and being honest with the above people may really help you, and may positively affect your future.

Please don't consider this the end of the line, as that may make you feel more desperate - it is just that now is not the time for planning or investigating options.

I maybe am going again against the grain but I think this is grossly unfair- had the op had her son no one would be questioning whether they were fit to parent.

The stress the op had been through and her dp are unusual and unimaginable.

The mistake you made op was disclosing to police what happened. I hate saying that. I am a pc. but I also know what happens to normal sane people when they lose a much wanted baby and it's not always rational or normal and doesn't mean they haven't or wouldn't make wonderful parents

I am a bloody good mother. Raised 2 to adulthood and they are fab.

When I lost my dd at 14 weeks I lost the plot and it led to some bloody awful problems in my relationship and to situations where I could have been on the receiving end of my own medicine....safe to say we both lost it for a while and the relationship was shit.

Yet I successfully raised 2. Children with no issues and one of whom had autism- they are fully well adjusted well rounded adults.

I do feel to judge parenting abilities in such awful awful circs is wrong .

@rytonsister i don't think the thread has been predominantly judgemental, though? As far as I know, in fact, biological children can be removed in this sort of situation. Also, if you read the OP again, it seems the the argument happened at an earlier time than you think.

OP I hope you didn't think my post was judgemental. Your loss is very recent

@rytonsister I take it you are not an adopter

No- one is making a judgement about parenting abilities. I'm sure they probably would be great parents. Thats not the point.
The harsh reality is that prospective adoptive parents are held to far higher account than people who are able to have birth children.
People are turned away because they are fat, smoke, have mental health issues.
We are talking about the most vulnerable children in society. They have been through loss and trauma, many will have witnessed domestic violence. Social workers operate on balancing risks. This is a risky situation. Maybe they can turn it around, maybe not.
The responses here have been supportive and sympathetic, but honest based on our experiences as adopters and working with social services over many years. It would be wrong and misleading of us to gloss over the issues the OP has raised and tell her not to to worry, of course they will be able to adopt. Because there is a strong possibilty that they won't and they need to be prepared for that possibilty.

Honestly no child would ever be removed in this situation. There are way too many kids in really really abusive and awful situations for that to be a reality.

I am a police officer. I would have made a referral but knowing it would be completely ignored inthe ops circs had she had her own children. Just a fact. Too many way more pressing cases.

Which is why I feel this is so unfair.

Her dh did wrong. But they were at their absolute emotional limit having lost a baby at 34 weeks. No one can judge. No one should.

This doesn't mean this is an abusive relationship. It means a moment in time went badly wrong after extreme emotional pain and pressure that is really not the norm. And for that I feel very sorry for op and her dp. That shouldn't preclude them from parenthood for life imho. What parent hasn't lost it or made a mistake at some point?

I just feel this is truly harsh - not that anyone I the thread has been harsh - just the situation is.

There are natural parents who tow every single weekend and knock chunks out of each other and keep their kids despite that - yes wrongly but there are really far worse situations out there where there is no vetting. There are millions of shit parents and I deal with many.....they are simply allowed to keep on breeding. This lady - and her dp - were subject to extreme grief and the most abnormal situation going in losing a baby at 34 weeks.... I defy anyone to behave normally after that. It doesn't mean that whole relationship is broken or they are forever unsuitable parents.

I maybe am going again against the grain but I think this is grossly unfair- had the op had her son no one would be questioning whether they were fit to parent

If OP had had a birth child and the domestic violence incidents taken place etc, they would still probably not be considered for adoption.

It isn’t us who are being harsh- if you have an issue with the criteria and rule then speak to social services! Our whole lives are put under a magnifying glass. Would you like to know what made social services hault our adoption process? My husband bumped into his father (who he is non contact with) and it bought up some sadnes. We were made to take 4months out to check husband had dealt with this. They had been NC for 10years. So, as you can see, it is not beyond the realms of possibility that OP will find it harder.

There are millions of shit parents and I deal with many.....they are simply allowed to keep on breeding

Absolutely. So you can see why it is so important that those children who are taken off people need to be placed with adopters who have been thoroughly vetted.

rytonsister The violent incident happened before OP sadly lost her son. I am concerned that you seem to miss the point that adoption is a whole different world to having a birth child. Children who are adopted have already experienced loss and trauma, and some have been through unimaginable suffering. Children from traumatised backgrounds need adoptive parents who can cope with a very high degree of stress, and social workers would be reluctant to place children with adoptive parents who might pose a risk of violence. It is very, very sad for OP, but the childrens needs must come first. Nobody is judging this lady. We are trying to be supportive, but just saying what we know to be likely; that social services will be very reluctant to place a child in a home where there is risk of violence.

Of course I get that there are strict criteria for a reason. I aren't stupid.

I just find this situation incredibly sad for the op .

@rytonsister you say but they were at their absolute emotional limit having lost a baby at 34 weeks no - that isn't what happened - read the OP again.

The red flag is as the OP herself knows the hands to neck.

I thought I'd read something about adoption being much lower in % terms due to the advent of ivf .

I just hoped there would be a
Common sense approach.

I read it that the dv incident occurred after the loss of their son at 34weeks.