Would you support more contact with your LO's birth parents?

[Whyohwhyo]

I'm a birth mum to a little boy who was unfortunately taken from my care at birth when I was a teenager going through domestic abuse. The risk to him was never about me, but my perceived inability to protect him from future harm should it occur as a result of his birth father.

I've gone on to lead a relatively good life far away from that man and have been blessed with another child who is in my care with no social services involvement which I'm extremely thankful for - but I do miss my first born terribly and want to be a part of his life.

I have one letterbox contact per year but sadly no photos as the local authority who placed him don't include photographs in the letterbox contact agreements, so I'm told by the adoption social workers not to ask for them. I'm not permitted to send presents or cards for special occasions either and that is also a condition imposed by the local authority and not the adopters themselves.

I've not been able to meet his adoptive parents which I would love to be able to do because they come across as wonderful people in the letters I have received. I opposed the adoption until the eleventh hour and desperately wanted to keep my baby - I think perhaps that's why the social services wouldn't put forward my request to the adopters to meet. I'm not sure. I wasn't treat very kindly by the social services but I won't go into that here.

My birth son knows he's adopted and has been told in a child friendly way, he knows all about me and his parents have reassured me via the letters that he knows I love him. He asks them for his baby story every night at bed time with is about me and where he came from.

I may come across as selfish but I really don't feel that one letter per year and no photographs is enough, although I know this isn't his parents doing and I hold no resentment towards them whatsoever.

Would you, as an adoptive parent, allow more contact under these circumstances? Even if it were just photographs to begin with, and the opportunity to meet in person?

It would mean the world to me to be able to develop a more relaxed relationship with the adopters outside of what seems to me to be an extremely harsh contact agreement.

Hi, I adopted and I’m sorry that this will come across as harsh, but my response to you would be no. Adopted children are almost always damaged by the circumstances that lead to them being put up for adoption. Even if their past (including while in utero) hasn’t damaged them, the fact that they’re adopted will. They need consistency and stability and nurturing. More contact is something that you want, not what they need, which is what the adoptive parents will be focusing on. When the child grows up, they will probably want to meet you, that’s when you’ll have your chance. I can’t imagine how hard this situation must be for you, but it’s about the child and their needs

Hi @IThinkIJustShatMyself I do see your point of view.

The last thing I want is to disrupt his life as he's so settled and doing well, so I was and am prepared to hear that him meeting me whilst he's young isn't the best idea.

I'd still like to meet his adopters though, and don't feel as though photographs alongside my yearly letter is too much to ask for. I've spoken to many birth parents who receive photographs as standard, and a fair amount who've been able to meet the adopters themselves.

We were offered the opportunity to meet birth parents but the decision was made that birth father was potentially too dangerous to risk meeting. This decision was made because of how he’d behaved during social worker visits.

I had already separated from birth father at the point when my son was placed with his adoptive parents, so any meeting that would have occurred would have been away from the birth father.

I wasn't volatile with social services at any point and was simply told that it wasn't an option when I requested to meet them, not because the adopters didn't want to but because social services didn't support it.

I would support my adopted son having more contact with his birth mum but only if he wanted it and expressed that wish. My heart breaks for you. I can't imagine how painful it is loosing your child. The adoptive parents will be focusing on their child's needs and what he's ready for. Perhaps make them aware your open to more contact but it may not change anything.

Unfortunately Direct Contact is rare in this country. I wasn't deemed a risk to the adopters or the my children (I gave my girls up "willing" due to mental health problems) but was told it just wasn't done in this country.

My adoption support worker has told me that out of the 50 cases she looks after that there is only one family with DC.

To be perfectly honest I think letterbox is the kinder method. Letterbox alone brings up so many feelings amongst both parties direct contact would be worst.

Don't get me wrong I would tear the world apart to hold my children again but, it isn't about what I want.

We send photos and asked to meet the birth parents. They were not able to meet us.

I'm adopted too. I think that post by Shat is incredibly powerful and true. I'm going to take slight issue with this bit:

Even if their past (including while in utero) hasn’t damaged them, the fact that they’re adopted will.

It's not that adoption itself damages children it's that the process of transferring careers and the issues around identity carry risks and challenges. Unfortunately there is a lot of prejudice towards adoptees and adoption, so hopefully my nitpicking is understandable.

Now with my adopted parent head on:

it’s about the child and their needs This. His needs are the only thing his parents and the SWs will be concerned with.

That said I would be very pleased to receive any contact from my children's BPs. I would be willing to consider an increase in contact, in the situation you describe. I have met BF members and would certainly have met BPs if they had been willing. Some thoughts from my own and other adopters experience (I'm sure some is stating the obvious):

• Don't ask to send presents or cards. Contact is not with your child, it is with his parents. This is absolutely the right way to do it when a child is adopted at birth and anything else risks harm. Contact should not come at high stakes times, like birthdays, it should be in a quiet month.

• Don't assume you will meet him. He may never want to and it is his decision- hopefully one he will not even consider until well into adulthood. That's what you want, because it means he's got a normal childhood relationship with his parents.

• Don't contact him on social media and if he contacts you don't respond. Looking in teens is not uncommon, but it can be very harmful if done badly. When you do meet him (and I hope you do) do it the right way through an intermediary.

• Do ask to meet his parents. It's hard, and they may need some reassurance about it- but it's worthwhile and will be the first step towards what you want.

• Ask them to allow electronic photos to be sent to SS each year, for you to then view them in the SS office. This can be done and removes the main barrier to photo being given to low risk BF members- that they will pass the photos on.

• Don't ask for more than two contact letters a year (but certainly ask for that). Writing contact letters is really hard. More than this is too much for this kind of placement and they may not keep it up.

• Respect his parents. Lay it on with a trowel if necessary. Write contact letters to them. Call them his mum and dad. Reinforce your support for them. When they say no to a request, accept it is their decision- you would not take kindly to a stranger making demands about your other child.

• Build the relationship with them by letter. Be open and ask questions. Don't expect too much though.

I always love to hear when a BP has changed their life for the better- we hear too much of the other sad realities. I hope this works out the way you want. Contact is valuable and it's great that you are invested in it. Do try to look after yourself- this stuff can dig up strong feelings.

Thanks donquixotedelamancha, what you’ve said is brilliant (and definitely not nitpicking! It’s such a hard thing to explain to people who haven’t been through it, what you’ve said is much better than I could have put!

Last April when I wrote to my son via the letterbox service I wrote a separate letter to his parents telling them about the birth of my other child and giving them certain updates that wouldn't be appropriate to include in the letter to my son (he doesn't currently know he has a younger sibling so they can choose to tell him when they feel its appropriate)

In this letter I included my wish to meet them and asked for a photograph but my letter was returned to me to be amended, by the social services, who refused to pass it on unless I took out the part about wanting to meet them and asking for a photograph.

I completely acknowledge that his adoptive parents have total PR and have every right to deny photographs or to meet me in person, my frustration lays with the local authority who are blocking me from being able to put these requests to them.

They have no idea I'd like photographs or want to meet them in person, they're under the impression I'm happy with my one letter per year with nothing else.

I've built up what I hope is a good relationship with them through the letterbox letters but am not able to express what I'd like to express and am constantly silenced by the local authority.

I have a feeling that they'd have no problem sending me photographs, they seem to be very reasonable and caring people who've also told the local authority that they'd support my son in meeting me, when he expresses a desire to do so, and that is wonderful to know.

I don't want to drag myself or them through unnecessary court hearings just to be able to simply request something.

I'd respect their position about meeting me and sending photographs, I just hate the fact I'm robbed of the opportunity to ask.

To clarify when I mentioned court hearings I wasn't insinuating that I'd be applying for direct contact with him or making a nuisance of myself, I just want to have the letterbox contact agreement amended which was set out by the local authority. I'd love to be able to have a conversation with his parents about this but am stonewalled from doing so, it feels like I'm at a dead end and can't move forward so am forced to accept a harsh agreement that was never discussed between me and the adopters who I'm sure would be perfectly OK with a photograph or extra letter per year.

I'm in no way stamping my feet and demanding to see him and understand that if and when a meeting takes place, it will be when he is ready and his adopters will be the judge of that if he's under 18.

definitely not nitpicking! It’s such a hard thing to explain to people who haven’t been through it

Much appreciated. I agree entirely.

@donquixotedelamancha thank you very much for that post. I really appreciate your insight and advice.

It never occurred to me that photos can be sent electronically to SS office to be viewed in person. I was always told an absolute no to photos in any way shape or form. I'm going to contact the adoption social workers tomorrow and put this to them.

I live almost 300 miles away from that local authority now but I'd happily travel that distance twice over and go to their offices if I could see his little face just for a couple of minutes.

@darkriver198868 I'm so sorry you can relate to being away from your little ones. You come across as very selfless and I admire that given the circumstances

@Cassie9 thank you for the kindness. I'll keep trying to get a message across to them through the SS and hope for the best

To clarify when I mentioned court hearings I wasn't insinuating that I'd be applying for direct contact with him or making a nuisance of myself

I don't think anyone thinks you are. All the adopters on here would love to have a BP so invested- sadly most will have no contact. I (and I think others) were just flagging up risks and trying to give the other perspectives.

my letter was returned to me to be amended, by the social services, who refused to pass it on unless I took out the part about wanting to meet them and asking for a photograph.

Hopefully this is just a contact supervisor doing their job- but then not following up properly. Requests to amend the agreement don't go in the contact letter, they go through your SW.

Phone them and ask for the face to face (well, actually phone about 8 times, then ask :-). Make sure they are clear how positive you want to make it. You have an absolute right to ask for this- I can't see a reason why it wouldn't be passed on, but it will be done carefully by a SW.

I would leave upping the letters and photos until after the meeting. Please consider doing the photos the way I suggest.

Last one was a cross post.

I live almost 300 miles away from that local authority now but I'd happily travel that distance twice over and go to their offices if I could see his little face just for a couple of minutes.

You'd be able to arrange it to your nearest LA.

@donquixotedelamancha you're being very helpful thank you for taking the time to talk to me.

I no longer have a designated social worker who I deal with in regards to the letterbox contact in my old local authority, I go through whoever is the contact coordinator in that area at the time and they've changed a few times over the years.

The CP social workers dealing with his case have long since gone too.

Having my letters sent back to me to be amended is a regular occurrence and has happened the past three years in a row which is quite disheartening as I've been stopped from telling the adopters certain things (nothing inappropriate or written in a way that is anything less than pleasant and positive)

I referred myself to SS here when I was pregnant with my youngest due to the history and wanted to satisfy relevant professionals that I was an adequate parent. The SW raised concerns with her management team about certain things that should have been done differently by the LA who put my first born up for adoption and their overall handling of the case. To be honest they have been awful with me since day one and it was vindicating for other professionals to acknowledge that.

(this isn't an overall criticism of social services as I've found my local department to be nothing short of brilliant)

I haven't seen nor spoke to SS here in over a year since they completed my assessment before my second son was born so I don't have a designated worker I can speak to about this contact agreement. Perhaps I could begin the process with a general inquiry phonecall and ask them to transfer me to somebody who could help?

Most welcome. Glad it's useful.

Having my letters sent back to me to be amended is a regular occurrence and has happened the past three years in a row which is quite disheartening as I've been stopped from telling the adopters certain things

Oddly, to me that is actually a good sign. The more common problem is that inappropriate contact is just waved through. It shows their processes are functional. Of course that doesn't help you when there is no SW support to address those issues with you- sadly that's the norm.

I figured you wouldn't have an assigned SW. You will need to contact them and try to get one for this process.

From your posts I still get a bit of a feeling that you aren't fully reconciled to the nature of contact, so if I might offer some further suggestions:

• Three letters returned seems a lot. The first discussion might usefully be exactly what can and can't be in a contact letter.

• You have to let go of (or at least hide with them) your understandable frustration and anger. It will get in the way. Don't expect fairness- focus on your son's wellbeing.

• Deal with SWs like this: Chase them a lot, in writing. Set deadlines for everything and chase when not done. Do it all with a tinkly voice and a smile. Keep saying/writing random positive crap (such and important job, so rewarding, best interest of the child) so there is no way they can get defensive. Be hard as nails, but don't show an ounce of frustration.

this isn't an overall criticism of social services as I've found my local department to be nothing short of brilliant

Vent away. You'll find a lot worse on here. SW do an incredibly hard job, for crap pay, and everyone hates them for it. It usually isn't personally their fault- it's systems and resources, but the fact they are doing their best doesn't make it any more likeable when you are mowing through the bureaucracy.

@donquixotedelamancha have taken on board your suggestions about LBC

One problem that the LA had with my letters (other than me wanting to request photographs and meet the adopters and me sharing info about my recent assessment) is the fact they felt some of the content was too emotional, for example; I'd sign off "I love you very much and will be thinking about you on your birthday"

Or a little poem quote that I wrote on another letter that went something along the lines of being separated by distance but still in my heart, with a little Teddy bear picture next to it.

It didn't occur to me that the above might be upsetting for him to read given how his parents are very open and positive with him about the adoption but I was told that things like that go against what's generally acceptable to write.

I generally spend several days writing and editing his letters before I send them and have toned down my soppiness over the years but do struggle to stop myself telling him how much I love him and reminiscing about little details such as how happy and proud I felt when he was born.

I suppose he's not going to want to hear all of that mush really is he

@whyowhyo do you have a adoption support worker? She might be able to help with letterbox.

Mostly in my opinion Birth Parents are left fumbling in the dark.

@darkriver198868 nope I don't unfortunately. After he was adopted I was on my own with it all so to speak, I've only had contact with different duty adoption social workers to exchange letters every year

I wish you well on your process of seeking more contact. I would love to hear from the Birth Family of either of my two girls.

I'll be honest though and say that hell would freeze over before I'd send them photos. I appreciate that your situation may be different though.

One thing that surprised me was that you write letters directly to your son. My understanding has always been that letterbox is between the adults, to allow the parents to share age appropriate info with the child at a time that feels right. Did the original LA advise you to write directly? I'm raising that as I think that would make me more wary of increasing contact.

Hi Why, maybe you could write letters directly to your son and keep them in a box, that way you can still write anything you want, without being censored. Then when you write to adoptive parents, you can stick completely to the rules? I can understand why they’re sending them back if that’s how you’re finishing them. It’ll most likely be too hard for a 10/12/15 year old to read. If they’ve sent your letter back three years in a row, I can’t imagine they would encourage more contact, but like previous posters have said, chase them until you get an answer.

Hi I have adopted siblings,

We agreed to meet Birth mum after kind of being forced into it by sw but I'm glad we did. She has suffered a lot throughout her life mental health issues mainly.

We do two agreed letter contact per year but we have only done one to date, next one due next year. We've had nothing back.

If our birth mum requested more now I'd be inclined to decline her wishes but I'm more than happy when mine are older to help them find her. Even though I'm their mum she is their mum also. This will never change. She will always have a big part in their lives.

I wanted to send photos but again sw advised against this, she wanted to send Birthday cards which I was happy with but again sw overruled this.

Things change over time.

How come you only have 1 letter contact, thought 2 was standard?