Would you support more contact with your LO's birth parents?

[Whyohwhyo]

I'm a birth mum to a little boy who was unfortunately taken from my care at birth when I was a teenager going through domestic abuse. The risk to him was never about me, but my perceived inability to protect him from future harm should it occur as a result of his birth father.

I've gone on to lead a relatively good life far away from that man and have been blessed with another child who is in my care with no social services involvement which I'm extremely thankful for - but I do miss my first born terribly and want to be a part of his life.

I have one letterbox contact per year but sadly no photos as the local authority who placed him don't include photographs in the letterbox contact agreements, so I'm told by the adoption social workers not to ask for them. I'm not permitted to send presents or cards for special occasions either and that is also a condition imposed by the local authority and not the adopters themselves.

I've not been able to meet his adoptive parents which I would love to be able to do because they come across as wonderful people in the letters I have received. I opposed the adoption until the eleventh hour and desperately wanted to keep my baby - I think perhaps that's why the social services wouldn't put forward my request to the adopters to meet. I'm not sure. I wasn't treat very kindly by the social services but I won't go into that here.

My birth son knows he's adopted and has been told in a child friendly way, he knows all about me and his parents have reassured me via the letters that he knows I love him. He asks them for his baby story every night at bed time with is about me and where he came from.

I may come across as selfish but I really don't feel that one letter per year and no photographs is enough, although I know this isn't his parents doing and I hold no resentment towards them whatsoever.

Would you, as an adoptive parent, allow more contact under these circumstances? Even if it were just photographs to begin with, and the opportunity to meet in person?

It would mean the world to me to be able to develop a more relaxed relationship with the adopters outside of what seems to me to be an extremely harsh contact agreement.

When the letters are sent back its only so I can take certain parts out IE how much I love and miss him, once I've amended said parts they are then passed on. There hasn't been one year where he hasn't received my letter or vice versa.

@EightWellies his parents write the letters on his behalf but sign them off from him, and in my responses I write them 'to him' and they read the letter to him. He's not yet writing them himself as he's too young but he does draw me little pictures on a separate piece of paper that they include which is lovely. Hope that clears up any confusion I perhaps didn't articulate it very well.

@IAmMumWho I have one per year because that is apparently how this particular local authority does it, I was only offered the option to have the one letter per year and at the time thought that was how it was for all birth parents. I'd absolutely love a second letter through the year.

@IThinkIJustShatMyself I actually do something like that at the moment

I have a memory box which I put cards and letters in on special occasions so I can give them to him when he's 18+ if he comes looking.

It's hard because whilst there's so much I want to tell him, for example about his little brother, I can't do that right now because his parents think it may be confusing for him which I do understand.

Are you allowed to send photos of yourself? Only one or two. That may plant an idea about photo sharing from their side (even if it's non-identifying etc)

I’m an adoptive parent and I would be keen to meet a birth parent like you. I would also welcome a photo of you, now and perhaps one of you as a child.

I would only allow a photo of my child to be viewed, not for you to keep. I’m afraid that this has been abused in the past and put children at risk, so no one will do it anymore.

As you have another child now, you will understand that you wouldn’t want to have to move child’s school and your home and job because you were threatened .

Parents are wary because SW are often poor at keeping confidentiality.

And in the same way that you were treated badly by SS, adopters often are too. I don’t say this because I’m asking for sympathy, but just so you understand that we don’t have any power either and have to do as we are told by them.

Being “ uncooperative “ or “ disagreeing with professionals” is the number one reason that adoptive parents lose their kids. Everyone is scared to rock the boat.

While you do come across as very caring, I thought letterbox was between the parents and not to the child? I wouldn't be happy if my sons BM wrote to him.

I just want to have the letterbox contact agreement amended which was set out by the local authority – Without sounding harsh, letterbox is voluntary, and your sons parents could stop at any time. If you push too hard they might.

I am forced to accept a harsh agreement that was never discussed between me and the adopters who I'm sure would be perfectly OK with a photograph or extra letter per year – How do you know they would be okay with this? If my son’s BM wanted this I wouldn’t agree. I would start to feel threatened, and if the requests kept coming I would stop letterbox. This isn’t about you, it’s about your son and what his parents think is best for him.

I think, while you may have good intentions, you might also start pushing your sons parents away, and they could then stop all contact completely.

My daughter was only granted letterbox contact with her birth mother but I INSISTED on contact and have bent over backwards to make sure that it happens every year. I wanted her birth mum to have peace knowing she was safe, loved and wanted and that the hardest thing that she ever had to do, was also the best. We all hug, we all have a coffee together and then she has her for a couple of hours. She isn’t a bad person, it was sad circumstances.

I’m going to go against the grain. I’ve never had an affair, emotionally cheated or done something dh would hate... but I like my space. Sometimes I chat bollocks on mn in a way he wouldn’t get, sometimes I text friends in silly chat that out of context look dumb. It’s more I’m embarrassed about the side of me that talks inane crap more than I’d like him to know. He doesn’t any just wouldn’t relate.
I’d hand my phone over to him if I discovered he was having real torment over it, it generally I like being a separate person and guard my phone/ space a bit. I’d find it controlling if that bothered him.
Over a decade of happy normal marriage here.

Wrong thread... how on earth in here I don’t know!!! Sorry

@whyohwhyo Sorry this is a bit late.

I am an adoptee and I had contact with bio parents through much of childhood. I think that having the contact I had, immensely difficult though it was at the time, has been enormously beneficial.

It sounds as though you don't know how the adoptive parents feel about contact, you don't know why the SWs so far have refused to put the idea forward and you don't know what you could do about it from a practical point of view to change the situation.

I don't know what your options or rights are here, if any, but if you contact an organisation called the Family Rights Group they might be able to point you in the right direction. I have no experience of them personally, but have seen them recommended on mumsnet before.

It is impossible to know what the adopters of your child would think. As you can see from this thread alone there are a wide variety of views out there.

On a personal level my only advice is to try to make very sure that you have fully compartmentalised your needs vs your child's needs. If contact ever were to go ahead, it would be hugely helpful if you had a really clear idea of both, especially of your child's needs. To understand better the objective benefits and problems of contact, this website may help you - they have done research/case studies/made recommendations/offered advice on managing contact for a while - there is likely to be more out there when you start looking:

www.uea.ac.uk/contact-after-adoption

@cassie9 I think I have posted on one of your threads before - I think your attitude is lovely, but a child won't be able to make these decisions, whether to have contact or not, and what they want may not be what they need. I think you need to decide and take objective professional views if necessary to help you. Or go along with the idea that you wait until they are 18.