Telling other people about your adopted kids

[Pookythebear]

Hoping someone has some thoughts/experience/advice.

We adopted our 2 (not biologically related) boys at 18 months and 2 months (they are now 6 and 3 respectively). Of course, to work colleagues, friends and family know they are adopted, easy.

But now I find it increasingly hard/awkward/unnecessary how to tell new acquaintances that they are not biologically related or our biological children. I would say it’s particularly hard with regards to say mums at the school gates and so on, who mention how much they look like one another (they do) or like me (they do) without shoehorning in within 5 minutes of a convo that they are adopted! For one my eldest hasn’t quite got a handle on the complexities of his background and I’d rather his school pals didnt mention it to him just yet. And also, it seems a highly unnatural thing to say when you don’t really know someone. But then, I feel dishonest at the same time. DH thinks as long as you’re not telling any barefaced lies, i.e ‘oooh, the labour was So hard...’ etc it shouldn’t really be an issue and to let it flow naturally.

thoughts on how other people approach this would be appreciated. TIA

'Did I not get the test?' Some people are ignorant twats! There is no testing for that. Xx

I would keep it to yourself but be very open and transparent with your children. It's their story to share. I

OP, I felt a bit like you and could sometimes feel as though I 'had' to be honest. Over time, I've just become a bit more discerning and realised I don't owe anyone 'the truth'.

There's always a way out of these questions. One I get a lot is about DD's height. She's very tall for her age (is two, looks three) and I'm absolutely tiny. I get a lot of 'is your husband tall?' To which i say, 'mm, my partner is, yes'. (She's not my DH cos she's a lady, and she is tall, so it's the truth!)

But otherwise, DD and I do look a bit alike, and when people remark on it, I say 'oh a lot of people say that' or 'I'm not nearly as cute!'

Rainatnight "Over time, I've just become a bit more discerning and realised I don't owe anyone 'the truth'."

Very true.

Quite a few parents of kids in my kids classes know they are adopted and I’m hoping that this will encourage their kids to be kind and educated and understanding of adoption.

As same sex adopters it seems less natural to hide the origins of our family and I’d hate the kids to think that it’s something to hide or be ashamed about. If I’m on ‘going for a coffee’ or having folk round to the house terms, I feel like it’s pretty basic information to share and chat openly about adoption and the process. And we all look pretty different so again, it comes up.

However, no one, not even family, know anything about any details of the kids birth family/story etc.

I also feel a certain amount of responsibility to debunk adoption myths and present adoptive families as a totally normal, lovely thing too, although I do try to reign my enthusiasm in! When random strangers are complimenting my kids I feel like shouting
“THIS IS WHAT GAY ADOPTIVE FAMILIES LOOK LIKE SO PUT YOUR DAILY MAIL DOWN PEOPLE!!!!”
But I usually manage to resist the urge!!

I can totally see where you're coming from. We're same sex too, and DD evidently didn't arrive the traditional way.

We can't keep it private, my daughters are trans-racial adoptees. The questions we have been asked - incredibly personal! So yes, it's open but minimal and straightforward.
"Yes, they're adopted"
"Their first parents couldn't look after them"
After that:
"It's private/too long a story"

Obviously as people become friends (and confide their own worries about their children), I confide mine - but there are certainly some things that are not mine to share, and some things I have only told DD2 in the past year or two, as she has got old enough to learn the different between secret and private.

My DDs love to hear they are like me and my (biological) family, they feel part of the family. If they looked like me (DD2 could just possibly be biracial, DD1 definitely not) I would happily agree they did - that doesn't mean you're claiming a biological relationship.

I go with the theory that being open de-stigmatises and is helpful to adoption in general.
I work in mental health and the openness of the past few years and the increasing awareness and acceptance of a whole host of previously taboo issues encourages this belief.
AD is only 4 but we talk regularly about her life before adoption and try to normalise her life experiences by explaining that everyone she meets will have different early life experiences and this is hers.
I tell most people that she is adopted. We are not ashamed and I never want her to think there is any reason to hide the basic facts of how she joined our family. Much like another child might say they were born on this day at that hospital but not mention that their parents had 3 ivf attempts, got into debt and mum had pnd. Likewise, I won’t share that her birth mother was an addict and her birth father is in prison.
I don’t want her to ever think she should regret telling anyone she is adopted like it is a shameful secret that only her best friends should know.

Newhousenewname it's your right to say what you wish.

But I really don't think it is your job to remove any stigma for adoption. By that I mean it's not necessarily something anyone should think they need to do.

I am a big cheerleader for adoption when around adults (e.g. at work) but with my son's friends and their families, it is private, even though some do know.

Please do not equate not telling people with being ashamed or embarrassed etc. I'm not. I'm very open.

My son will tell who he chooses that he is adopted. I don't want him to face questions he is not comfortable answering.

We get asked fairly regularly if our son is ours because we are not the same ethnicity. I just say yes and am happy to say he is adopted if it is someone we will meet regularly. I don't get many questions beyond that. I think I am perfecting the art of the Look that shuts these people down :-).

late to the discussion.

We are pretty open about the fact the DDs are adopted. Eldest was 8 so anyone we knew then obviously knew. Then it helped to say to parents at school gate why I was asking basic questions re how school works etc, and we have gone on from there. And I have needed teachers to know. And new friends since it helps put things into context.

But, we don't share details of why they were adopted. If asked, I give general answers as to why children end up in care.

We've done what works for us. Other families take different approaches and it works for them.

I have a few close friends who know mine are adopted but with the majority I don’t tell them. It’s not important. I use general phrases a lot. Eg “did you have yours in x hospital?” “No they were born in y hospital”. Not lying but not blurting out irrelevant information. When they first came home I was prone to telling people more. As time has gone on I feel more comfortable being vague or avoiding certain questions. Two of mine are very close in age and I get a lot of judgment from people about that. I just smile and laugh. Let them think what they like

I don’t want her to ever think she should regret telling anyone she is adopted like it is a shameful secret that only her best friends should know

I have sex with my husband but I don’t tell people all about it. Not because it’s a shameful secret that only my best friend should know, but because it’s private.

Of course I would tell people if it was relevant like my doctor. But not my kids class teacher , because she doesn't need to know.

I suspect that if it told my neighbour about what we did in bed last night, I would regret it. That doesn’t mean I’m ashamed.

I’m sure most of my colleagues have sex with their partners too but we don’t discuss it at work.

I don’t tell them how many times a day I take a shit or how heavy my periods are. I’m pretty sure that most of them assume that I have sex, defecate and menstruate. I’m not ashamed of doing these things. But they are private.

Not everything that is private is secret or shameful.