Telling other people about your adopted kids

[Pookythebear]

Hoping someone has some thoughts/experience/advice.

We adopted our 2 (not biologically related) boys at 18 months and 2 months (they are now 6 and 3 respectively). Of course, to work colleagues, friends and family know they are adopted, easy.

But now I find it increasingly hard/awkward/unnecessary how to tell new acquaintances that they are not biologically related or our biological children. I would say it’s particularly hard with regards to say mums at the school gates and so on, who mention how much they look like one another (they do) or like me (they do) without shoehorning in within 5 minutes of a convo that they are adopted! For one my eldest hasn’t quite got a handle on the complexities of his background and I’d rather his school pals didnt mention it to him just yet. And also, it seems a highly unnatural thing to say when you don’t really know someone. But then, I feel dishonest at the same time. DH thinks as long as you’re not telling any barefaced lies, i.e ‘oooh, the labour was So hard...’ etc it shouldn’t really be an issue and to let it flow naturally.

thoughts on how other people approach this would be appreciated. TIA

Um, tbh with you I’d let your child be the one to decide if he wants everyone knowing he’s adopted.

Can I ask why do you feel you have to tell? If someone said my child looked like me I'd just say yes they don't they! Its not dishonest, its just private.

I admit we are out and proud adopters but my son was nearly 8 and dual heritage so it was a bit obvious and he of course was fully aware of his own story. I think if I'd had him as a baby I'd have told far fewer people.

When my son changed primary school and then moved to secondary, I left it to him to decide who he wanted to tell. I don't think he told any of his secondary school friends for nearly a year.

But its really no-one elses business about how your family was made. I have friends who had babies via IVF and only a handful of people know. I wonder how many of those school mums have had IVF - you won't know because its not your business.
I would go with a need to know basis. The school mums don't need to know, so why tell.

I would neither confirm nor deny. I think if they are saying oohh he looks like you, say nothing about that and just say something about one if their kids, "ooh your little Jonny always seems a happy chappy" no lie told and you haven't made it potentially awful for your child

Thanks all. Indeed, my instinct is just that, it’s private. But I guess during the adoption process it was drummed in to us to be ‘open and transparent’, which of course, we are to our boys. But I guess I find it hard where to draw the line outside of that.
Fellow adopter friends are very out and proud too, but like a PP they adopted their children older so perhaps that has some influence. But because they are so out and proud I feel a bit shifty in comparison!

I’m open at work with colleagues and friends obviously. I’ve not told any school mums (yet) as it’s DD’s story. She’s still coming to terms with it all, and I don’t want it being used against her in the playground.

I say to her, “it’s not a secret, but it can be private”. She did tell a couple of girls but they didn’t believe her!

In the same way, I don’t tell school mums stuff about my own life. How DD arrived is not any of their business. If they say your children look like you, you can say something non-committal or just agree! Just because they’re assuming it’s genetic rather than SW matching doesn’t mean you have to correct them! DD has an unusual name and people ask why I chose it. I just say I think it’s pretty and ask why they chose their children’s names. We also started school partway through school year and of people asked where we’d moved from or which school she went to before. Sometimes I said, “out of the area”, sometimes, “it’s complicated”, or sometimes say, “I’m really pleased with new school”. No-one asked further.

I am actually going to tell a school mum this weekend, as we’ve made friends and are meeting up. But that’s different from randoms at the school gate. DD is also friends with her DD and they’ve had a lot of play dates. I asked her last week if she’d told her friend and she said no, but she’s going to and she doesn’t mind if I tell the mum.

We do talk that once you’ve told, you can’t take it back so we’re selective about who knows. I was given advice early on not to broadcast it at school by an adopted who did just that and her DD got blamed for everything that went wrong (small village school). They then moved to different school and didn’t tell other parents and her DD could just settle in and be “normal” and not feel different.

So don’t feel bad. It’s private information and your discretion about whether to share or not.

*by an adopter (not an adopted).

I'd just nod and say yes hey do

We adopted internationally and it is very obvious if both of us parents are with our son. Even so, I don't just bring it up with everyone unless I feel like we are having the kinds of conversations where I think we are going to end up being friends. For randoms in the playground, I just say ummm, yeah or steer the subject in another direction because it isn't any of their business. Similarly I want to show my son that we don't owe anyone an explanation.

No one knew our eldest was adopted after we moved to where we are now. It wasn't a big deal, it just never really came up until (a) his birth sister came to his birthday party (firstly she is basically a carbon copy of him and also she is very proud and vocal about her brother!) and (b) we adopted number two. I think it was nice it came up naturally- I want it to be a natural part of their lives and not a big deal unless they want it to be.

From experience it's almost impossible not to mention at first but after a year it's almost never relevant. If someone comments that they look like you (which I get a lot) just agree and say everyone says that.

We've never kept it secret but none of our son's nursery friends parents were aware because it never came up.

When we first adopted obviously many people new because we suddenly had a 10month old and work colleagues needed to know where I went! But then I moved jobs and life went on etc. I don’t tell people now. It is my daughters choice.
I totally get where you are coming from. People who have newborns asking advice etc (as if I know lol) and when people insist on talking about their birth experiences. I usually just gloss over it or go to the loo or something. I just omit the truth. If people say how much she looks like me I just thank them.
What I’ve learnt is when people find out, they can be bloody offensive and nosey so I try to stay quiet. I would just rather my daughter had a choice growing up.

I massively struggle with this as I am 53 with a 4 yr old adopted child who everyone assumes is my grandchild. I try so hard to tough it out but I can see the look of shock on their faces when I say that I am mum
People are obviously thinking I am a haggered old bag and are embarrassed at their mistake so I normally cave and just tell them . I know what you mean about feeling dishonest if you don't !

For me it's as private as anything else if that makes sense. I wouldn't be someone who would stand in the playground and tell my brith story. I share stories of our adoption journey when it feels right and very simply. I personally don't lie. My daughter's name is spelt unusually and we didn't change it so if anyone asks why I say truthfully that we don't know. I wouldn't want the children to ever hear us pretending and perhaps therefore thinking that there was something wrong with the the truth. We are proud to have adopted them.

I think it is fine to just give the basics. My child has v complex needs and is unable to understand which makes a difference and all I say is that he is my adopted child. End of story.
People often want to probe as to why his parents didn't want him ( they did ) was it down to his special needs? Etc . I just say it is not something I can discuss but always add that most children who are adopted have birth parents who wanted them but couldn't care for them for lots of complicated reasons. I feel an obligation to be fair to birth parents and try to advance the realisaties of modern adoption but without giving any personal information away.

I don’t tell anyone unless it’s essential, such a the doctor when it’s relevant. In our case we didn’t need to tell the school either as there’s no pupil premium or anything like that.

This is because it’s our children’s information and they get to choose who to share it with.

I think “ out and proud “ is great if it’s your information you are sharing , like your sexual orientation or own background . If you want to tell everyone that you are into BDSM or survived a car crash or are half Polish then that great for you. Knock yourself out .

It’s not my place to be “out and proud “ with anyone else’s painful and traumatising past. I suspect that most of these “ out and proud “ people are showing off about what great humanitarians they are to adopt. Or they are embarrassed by their children and want everyone to know that they are not to blame for their shit genes.

They sound like the kind of people who are always oversharing in an unpleasant and self serving way.

“ My step sons are coming to visit this weekend . Didn’t I tell you my husband was married before ? He left her because she had an affair with the bin man and she was an alcoholic. Used to go out and leave these poor kiddies alone all the time. They Cried when they had to leave me to go back to her, they would sob and scream as they went out the door. “Your a saint “ my husband says to me , you did everything for these kids and got no thanks for it from her, the bitch “.

“ ok that will be £43.25 please , do you have a Tesco card ? “

i am not at all embarrased by my son and I find this post really offensive.

I don"t march up to people and announce it, nor do I give away details.

I think the thing to remember is that this is only a small part of their identity. Adoption doesn't define our son, the person he is, what he does, the things he likes define him. It's not a secret it just doesn't need to be mentioned, people do tend to get nosy about the circumstances surrounding it if you tell them.

Well Kr1stina you got the shit genes right ! My child has a genetic disorder that means he has to fight to stay alive every day.
My age makes it obvious that he is not my birth child so I have no choice really other than to be " out and proud " as you put it!
And yes you got that totally right as well. I could not be prouder of my amazing child !

I have had the "Oh yu don;t look alike" I just reply "don't you think so?"

It isn;t relevant to the semi stranger how my son joined me and as we have discovered to our cost once people know they can't unknow.

You currently have childrne too yung to have decided whether they are "out and proud" or "private not secret".

As it happens DS is quite relaxed and open and thinks covering it up is silly so makes things easier for me. But it rrely comes up these days. I don't rank feeling a little on the deceitful side with a stranger or semi-stranger as higher than keeping my sons privacy intact.

It's just that women tend to be condition to people please so we are inclined to tell people and feel anxious if we aren't.

Flapjackfairy - it wasn’t my words, i was quoting someone else. I think that everyone is proud of their kids, not just adopters and not just those who decided to tell everyone.

And i think the right to privacy is very inportant and our children should have that too, where possible. Of course it’s harder if you are 60 and your child is 2. Or if you are both white and your child is Chinese. I get that.

And was talking about people who share all the gory details, as I thought was clear from my example. Not just people who say where necessary “ actually yes, they are adopted, yes we are their real parents and no, we can’t give you any information because their background is confidential “.

I dont know why you think I was talking abou you or your child, as you say you dont do any of the things i posted about.

I feel very strongly that there is OUR information in adoption ( eg sexual positions we use to TTC,infertility treatment, miscarriages, IVF details , adoption assessment, financial problems ) which is ours toshare as we wish .

And our children info which is THEIRS .

I know many adopted teens who had their birth family history thrown in their faces by relatives or by ex’s family.

The SIL in whom they confided the details of their child’s sexual abuse was their ex SIl by the time their child is 16.

Or the Grandparent who said “ what do you expect when her real mother was ajunkie / father an alcoholic / rapist ?”.

I know two school aged kids whose adoptive parents tell randomers that their kids BM was an alcoholic and other details. It really upsets my own kids when they hear these parents saying that stuff . And if my kids hear it, so do the others In their sports team .

I have had the "Oh you don;t look alike" I just reply "don't you think so?"

If you knew Kewcumber and her son you’d realise how silly this is BTW

And the Paddington bear hard stare she gives people .

Thanks everyone, lots of perspectives there. I guess where I find it tricky is the conflict between privacy and being open. I’m struggling where that line is drawn outside the house with potential new friends. Where and how and at what point. But... letting it be the DC’s choice when old enough to decide seems the best way and I think Ill just smile and nod in the future without feeling some misguided guilt that I’m being dishonest.

I’ve shared with a select few that my DC are adopted, mainly because they were older when they came to us and we all just appeared at school one day. I haven’t shared the gory details, there are parts of my DCs story they don’t even know yet much less some random in the playground. I never want them to sit at Christmas dinner wondering what great aunt whoever knows about them so their story will remain private unless and until they say it’s ok.

Kr1stina - I just read your latest post. That makes a lot of sense, thanks.

We are not quite there yet (with a panel in Nov). Obvs any existing friends (and all family) know or will soon come to know about a child joining us via adoption.

BUT, as far as new people who I have yet to meet in life, I will just be going with "my name is topcat and I have two children" and stopping at that point.

Potentially, if people then become close friends (ie visiting our house) then they will learn a little more, as DD1 will no doubt tell them.

But, as to the circs giving rise to the child being adopted - that's not my story to tell.