Telling other people about your adopted kids

[Pookythebear]

Hoping someone has some thoughts/experience/advice.

We adopted our 2 (not biologically related) boys at 18 months and 2 months (they are now 6 and 3 respectively). Of course, to work colleagues, friends and family know they are adopted, easy.

But now I find it increasingly hard/awkward/unnecessary how to tell new acquaintances that they are not biologically related or our biological children. I would say it’s particularly hard with regards to say mums at the school gates and so on, who mention how much they look like one another (they do) or like me (they do) without shoehorning in within 5 minutes of a convo that they are adopted! For one my eldest hasn’t quite got a handle on the complexities of his background and I’d rather his school pals didnt mention it to him just yet. And also, it seems a highly unnatural thing to say when you don’t really know someone. But then, I feel dishonest at the same time. DH thinks as long as you’re not telling any barefaced lies, i.e ‘oooh, the labour was So hard...’ etc it shouldn’t really be an issue and to let it flow naturally.

thoughts on how other people approach this would be appreciated. TIA

I was in a play park once and someone asked how old my child was, I answered, and then she said...'she's very small', so I said 'yes, she was very prem'. Then the lady said her child was prem, and followed up with 'your's must have been tiny' (clearly expecting me to give a weight), so I just said 'yes she was'. End of for me. I am very 'out and proud', I may say (if appropriate), that they are adopted, but if I think the other person is digging, i will not. Obviously people close know, but they do not know details. I went to a schools open evening recently, I told the teachers (I tried not to), but the school in question clearly figured me out via my questioning (turns out, they know their adoption stuff). So basic disclosure worked well in that case. But I do think some people are desperate to know the gory details...not happening on my watch, unless they really NEED to know.

The words out and proud were mine and some very specific comments were made which I found offensive.
Out and proud does not mean that I accost random people in the street or regale people with the gory details at every opportunity.
It means I outed myself at work to complain when they launched a policy for parents which excluded adopters, I did give any information about my son, not even that he is a boy. It means that I told some parents who know us a single parent family that he wasnt making stories up about his dad and brother who we have direct contact with. It means that when I took him to join the gym and library where I had been a member for over 10 years that I just mentioned it to explaim how I had produced an 8 year old black son overnight.
It was school awards night tonight. No one there apart from the teacher know. When he got his award I did leap on the table and take off my coat to reveal adoption martyr t shirt and shout look at me I'm a hero.
I do not disclose details, I am just honest about how we came to be a family.

Ted I’m sorry if you are offended, that was certainly not my intention.

But I wasn’t talking about you and I think I was clear about the kind of person and situation I mean.

Everything in your last post is about times when you needed to disclose that you are a family by adoption. And I assume that your son is happy for you to talk about this.

I specifically said that it’s more complex if its the adoption of older children or there an obviously racial difference and if you are a Two parent family. In that respect it’s easier if you are a single parent because people will assume that your ex was a different ethnicity from you and the same as the child. And of course you can truthfully say, if you wish , “ yes his dad is Nigerian/ whatever but he’s not around, I’m a single parent’.

So to be clear about my own views , I would hold to a position of privacy and confidentiality ( about the child’s background ) until the child is old enough to make an informed decision about disclosure.

This would include having the emotional and intellectual maturity to deal with intrusive and sometime offensive questions from children and adults. It’s easy to under estimate the emotional impact of this. There are threads on this board about the SHOCKING things some adults say to adopted children.

In this respect, keeping confidentiality is about protecting the child and ( to some extent ) their birth family. Remember that you might not judge the alcoholic/ drug using birth mum but i can assure you that some of the classmates parents will. That negative judgement will also hurt the child, as their birth mother is part of them.

I’d bear in mind that children who have been in care for a long time have NO IDEA what normal is. And how it will go down in their school class when they say “ my dads back in prison again “ or “ my mums had another baby but the social workers have taken him “. They will be , as they say in Scotland , the “ talk of the steamie”.

Children who have spent their lives moving on Also have NO IDEA that when they tell ( this week’s ) best friend about their background that she might still be in their class in 10 years time. And no longer their best friend.

I’d tell family nothing except that which is essential. Those who are looking after the child should be practising safe caring anyway, as no one knows what has happened to any child unless you got them straight from the maternity hospital.

It’s amazing how many direct questions you can deflect with a vague “oh thats a long story / its complicated / oh don’t remind me of all that” and a change of subject.

For the avoidance of doubt, I’m talking generally and not about you in particular Ted.

The steamie was the communal wash house were women would meet without men present and be able to exchange news. To be the talk of the steamie is to be the subject of gossip or scandal.

Kew hello, long time no see!!!! [thanks}

OP It's not dishonest, and it's right that family matters can be private. Just as I may not need people to know about my tilted uterus (it's not but my friend has one) or the spot on my bum or the reason I walk funny (I really do I think!) or anything else.

Yes, there may be people who know, a lot of my friends know, and some of their kids, but we don't talk about it generally. Especially not in front of the kids. We are not ashamed. It is just not relevant.

I did tell the GP but my son was upset and it really wasn't releavnt. So now I keep schtum.

If I talk about it, away from ds, with people who do not know him, I talk about my experience as an adopter (e.g. colleagues who want to adopt).

flapjackfairy I know your feelings but I wonder if everyone really does think you are grandma. I know a lady who had a baby early 50s with no intervention. VERY rare but not impossible. DS was born when I was middle 40s, think Cherie Blair having baby at 45. A lot of people seem to think this is normal. But actually having a baby at 45 is very rare too. I think I'd just assume you look younger than your age. Many people are very fixed around the age of the kids. This my friend is my age but a dad of two and granddad to two, mine are 13 and 8. I mis with people whose kids are 13 or 8 (a lot) and he mixes more with people who have grown up kids or no kids, but certainly not in the kind of school circles I do.

Anyway OP I'd say it is your kids story to share, when and if they wish, but I did tell ds that once he told people he could not take it back and he waited until about 7 to tell his best friends.

@Ted27, I hope I didn't offend you, I am a very, very inexperienced adopter (2 months in). I do find it very strange the amount of interest our kids get. My next door neighbours know; we are a couple in our 40s who have seemingly home grown (over the summer) a couple of pre-schoolers! But their comments are strange 'I haven't even seen them yet'...'I don't hear your children much' (insert black humour here). I probably feel like I have to justify/explain more (I will then tell neighbours we have been to the park or soft play so they wouldn't have heard them) maybe because I am still under SW scrutiny, maybe because I don't yet feel like a genuine parent, I don't know. I am still navigating all of this. Also, I have have old friends that suddenly want to come and visit, even though they we're never interested in visiting just me and the husband, maybe they genuinely want to get to know our family, maybe they are nosey, or maybe (as I suspect) people have a need to be a part/want to be a part/feel they have a duty to be a part of previously LAC children's lives.

I tell as little as possible, I realise I adopted because I wanted a family...truly non-altruistic. Not sure where I am going with this, only that sometimes I may over-share (not their story, but the adoption bit), sometimes (due to inexperience) I just sound like an idiot.

I mix

no you didn't offend me @GiddyGardner, you're right some people want to know the gory details. I'm not indiscriminate about who I tell, I don't give details, but nor do I cover it up.
I remember a few years ago on another forum a mum asking for advice. She had quite a young baby and was going to a baby group where all the other mums were giving their gory birth story details. She was tieing herself up in knots about it to the extent that she was going to make up a pregnancy/giving birth story. I'm not sure thats the way to go.
I'm very matter of fact about it, I just say oh well we are an adoptive family and move on, people rarely get a chance to follow up with questions, intrusive or otherwise.

I agree with the fact that it’s not secret but private.
We are open with AD4 in an age appropriate way about the fact that she’s adopted.
We told those who needed to know at the time and that rule still applies. The only people we have told in recent years are School/ nursery and then only key worker, nursery manager and teacher.

It is her story to tell, not ours. And I know of other adopted children who have regretted telling classmates and would do anything now to untell them. I also have friends who are in my opinion way too open with everyone about their adopted children’s birth families circumstances.

I was shocked to be asked at a birthday party, by an adoptive father in front of complete strangers “ So what’s her story?”

Even the nicest, most well meaning friends (teachers, a GP) have said the most stupid things about adoption and adopted children to me, an adoptive parent. Last week, a teacher friend (4 years post adoption) “ so does she feel like yours now? Do you love her the same as BC?”. . I was so shocked and hurt on my daughters behalf that friend could even think those thoughts to ask that.

GP friend about another adopted child (behavioural issues) at school so angry that School “ ...should have told us they were adopted!!”

It just reminds me why we do not tell anyone other than those who need to know. Mostly it’s nobodys business and equally I will protect AD from anything which could hurt her as much as I can, bearing in mind she has a lifetime of hurt ahead of her when she fully understands her life story.

There is so much ignorance around adoption, even from the supposedly more intelligent and caring people, let alone the bigots.

I do worry that at the moment AD has no filter and tells everyone everything and she is not mature enough to understand what’s private and could potentially hurt her in the future.

I also forget that she adopted 99% of the time which helps

I tell everyone, if it comes up. DWs legion of family all knew and it wasn't practical to do otherwise. Except the kids themselves- they must never know*

There is so much ignorance around adoption, even from the supposedly more intelligent and caring people, let alone the bigots.

Very true. In general I quite like people asking about the process- most are hugely supportive. I like the chance to correct the misinformation. I do agree that questions about background can be intrusive and frustrating, but I'm very happy to say 'we don't share that' or 'that's the children's information to disclose'.

*Just teasing.

Giddy "I just sound like an idiot." O bet you do not.

Please try not to worry. If you decide to yell, then do but stop any questions with "I really can't say..."

I have found it much easier not to tell anyone. For us, no one needs to know.

Theboldandthebeautiful1 what awful things for people to ask you. Basically, how much do you love your kid!

I think engaging on this topic doesn't help ds so I never do it around him. I've been lucky not to have stupid questions generally.

Slightly off topic here but

I realise I adopted because I wanted a family...truly non-altruistic.

The best reason Giddy. I used to (and still occasionally) get the “Aren’t you amazing? I think you’re doing an amazing thing. Isn’t she lucky?” to which I’m really lost for words because I can assure you I’m not. And we’re the lucky ones.

People mean well ..

When people say isn't lucky I always say "no, we are the lucky ones" I learnt that from New!!

Phone driving me crazy!!

When people say isn't he lucky I always say "no, we are the lucky ones" I learnt that from Kew!!

Totally agree with Kew and Italian we are the lucky ones, how sad the birth parents were not able to care for their child. We have been so lucky to have them.
On explaining to people I do not, nobody asks despite our youngest being 13 and me 75. Oh dear may have to ask MN to delete this I do not want reminding how old I am!
We adopt because we can we are so lucky.

BTW I am 2old2beamum total computer breakdown.
Please be kind everybody this is a kind topic

Mynamenotaccepted the kids have obviously kept you young looking.

Italian thank you my lovely, hope there was not a touch of sarcasm

mynamenotaccepted you don't look your age! (I am sure you don't, anyway)

I would like to say something a bit different. Very few people in my adult life have known I was adopted, usually very much need to know only, but during my childhood almost everyone knew, and actually it was a huge help, and I think that it is relevant information for schools, for doctors, for others. Doctors will often take into consideration emotional factors ime, it is often a part of their assessment. When people from my childhood and people from my adulthood collide and it comes up, I deal, and it hasn't been an issue. But I remember some really kind words from teachers at my primary school, from doctors and from helpers on holiday camps, it helped a lot. I am not saying "tell" or "don't tell" just saying how it was for me.

I think it's a difficult. Previously adoptees were hidden. Made to feel ashamed for being adopted. I never want my son to feel like that. If it comes up in conversation I say he's adopted. It rarely comes up.

"hope there was not a touch of sarcasm" I don't even know the meaning of that word. XX

Thing is, it is so personal. I told the GP my son was adopted and he was quite upset. Mentioned it a lot. But maybe if I had done it from the start he would not have worried.

I think we all do what we think is best.

My son mentioned it a lot, afterwards I mean!

To answer the original question (I digressed as usual) I have never had to explain as all mine have special needs, however I was out with AD1 and AD2 both Down Syndrome in a twin buggy when a stranger came up to me and said Did I not get the test? Also AD2 is Afro-caribbean so she must have also thought I was wanton hussy.
Italian perish the thought x

Did I not get the test?

Words fail me