Second link fallen through before panel

[Loopylas123]

Hi
I am a single adopter approved for a few years. In my PAR it clearly states that I can only afford to take 6 months off work.

I was linked to a little one last year and with less than a week to go before panel it was clear I had not been given the full story and was going to need longer off. I wasn’t daunted by it and was still fully committed but as I couldn’t find the money and neither could the LA it fell through. I was heartbroken and a few months later walked away from Adoption (not an easy choice)
A week later I got a call that another link that had been pursued had come through. Thinking this was fate I took a chance and went for it. Again being honest about what happened last time and that 6 months was my max. I was promised it wouldn’t be like last time. This little one is due to go to school and she has a few support needs but they are far less than the other little one. All of the paperwork states that the adopter would only need 6 months off.
Anyway with less than 2 weeks to matching panel they have looked at what money I would need to stay off for a year. They have offered support but it’s almost £500 less a month and on a single wage with a mortgage etc can’t be done. So it was made clear in that case as previously stated I can only take 6 months but they are now saying they want a 12 month commitment.
I am so disgusted with this all and annoyed with myself for coming back to this and allowing my heart to make a space for yet another little one who I am not being allowed to give a forever home to.

I know quite a few adopters who have taken less than 6 months off and others who had their wage matched. The whole thing just leaves you feeling a total failure and not good enough, when beyond what’s on paper I know I would have been a great Mum to both of those little ones. It really is time for me to walk away from Adoption and motherhood now.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you pick yourself back up?

Keep pushing. We were told we couldn't do Panel in "X" month which would mean we would miss DD's first birthday. We wrote to the head of the agency and got on panel.

I had the same issue - FCs had holiday booked for a significant birthday. They put on an extra panel the day before the Easter bank holidays (think I was the only person they saw that day), and intros started 9 days later. I got the ADM letter mid way through intros! As Ted said they can do it if they want to....

Thanks for the words of encouragement. I have sent an email today requesting they push for another panel date.
I’ve had no reply as yet but I will go direct to the head of the LA of my LO tomorrow.

It may be too late to get the paperwork ready for the July panel. But your sw and little ones sw should really push for it to be fine if at all possible.
They will be very reluctant to do anything before ADM. But it's a terrible situation for your little one.

@Loopylas123 great news that it is back on.

If they can allow little one to come to straight after panel it will be way better for her and they will not 'use up' and pay for a valuable (and rare) respite place, and better for you, but focus on her. If approved they are saying yes to you being her mum, so much better to start it sooner, is her social worker on your side in this?

I am know you are still probably smarting from their crap behaviour but just be as accommodating as you can be.

If she can come straight to you after panel, fab, prepare, prepare, prepare now.

If not, accept it, it is less three months from now to end of September and less than two to the start - so use these months to save, save, save!

Parenting is hard, it requires lots of flexibility. Use these two or three months to show you have it.

IMHO it will be worth it.

Hi.
Wanted to give you all an update. It’s been an awful few weeks where I feel I have just been ranting and it’s fallen on deaf ears.

So, we finally agreed at this stage I would be off for 6 months then return to work part time. Sadly by the time this was agreed we missed July panel. LO is now set to go into respite for 2 weeks which was the cause of many issues for her last year and ended up with a psychologist getting involved.
They wanted me to go to panel in Aug with a view to introductions starting end of Sept.

I have been honest and said I cannot go to panel knowing that just after that my LO is going to respite. They have put nothing in place to help her cope with this and they honestly expect her to go there for 2 weeks, return to F.C. for 4 weeks and then I turn up and shes going to be ok with it.
I have cried a lot as I am heartbroken this is all happening and I am worried that this could cause her soo many additional problems that it could delay intros or worse still, the whole adoption process is pulled.
I’ve said when I go to panel I want to be sure of my LO’s needs and that we have the right support in place and I don’t feel we do at this stage. I have asked for panel to be delayed a month so we all know what’s happening. At the end of the day I want to come away from panel knowing I will be meeting my child soon, but in this case it’s all up in the air. I’ve been told they will question my commitment now!! (Had to bite my tongue on that one ) and also that I have an unreal idea about what matching panel is.
Am I the only one who thinks it’s quite a significant point in the process? My SW says it’s just a paperwork exercise, which upset me. I know it needs to be ratified but that day is the first point where someone is saying they believe in our match.

Anyway, we are now on hold, I have stood my ground and refused to go to panel next month and they are now questioning my commitment. I am trying to carry on with my life and not think about it all (not that easy.)

I’ve reminded them the actual delays here were not my fault or LO’s and going to panel next month would not get her home here any quicker, delaying though would ensure she gets support should she need it after respite.

well yes panel is of course significant, but there is no reason why intros have to start straight after.

There was nearly a month between my panel and intros. I asked for a delay as Mothers Day fell in the middle and I didnt want to add another emotional element.

I think the key here is getting the support right and the date of intros at a sensible time.
SWs can be such idiots, I think you are right not to be pushed along if it doesnt feel right. I can understand the babys SW wanting to push, but your SW really should be supporting you

There’s usually a gap of a few weeks between matching panel and intros starting because the decision needs to be confirmed by the agency decision maker. I’m not understanding why you want to delay panel for a month - I get that it feels like a hugely significant step for you but the child won’t be aware of it, will go to respite and start preparing to move to her new family when she comes back.

I doubt there’s any expectation that she’ll be ok with all the moving around but at some point she will move to her new family and 4 weeks is time for her foster carers to start preparing her for that move. At the moment you don’t have a role in demanding support for her - because you have no status in her life yet - part of me thinks the sooner the process is done, the sooner you can start planning the rest of your family life including putting in place the suppprts you think your child might need. At the moment everyone in the process knows this child better than you so you’re at a real disadvantage to try and argue your case for her - which will begin to sound like cold feet to professionals, despite you wanting what’s best for her and you.

I wonder if part of you is worried that the moving about and resultant unsettled-ness for your child might impact on your ability to return to work as planned? If so, really have a think about what you’ll do if your child isn’t able to tolerate you returning to work so quickly because that can happen in a perfect match with perfectly planned intros.

I think jelly talks a lot of sense and i also would have gone to panel as soon as possible tbh. I would tread v carefully because you have no real power in this situation and it would be awful to lose out again at this stage but i do understand your frustration with the system and really hope things progress for you. Good luck , hope things are resolved soon .

What Jelly at and Flapjack have said makes lots of sense, OP.

I also would add that you’re not likely to know all of your child’s needs and have supports in place at panel - that isn’t what matching panel is for. It sounds like your scared you’ll be left to pick up the pieces of this transition - and as her mum, it does fall to you to meet her needs including looking for appropriate professional support for her and you. Whatever her needs are now, they will look very different after placement anyway so supports need to be reviewed and adjusted as you go along.

To be honest, it’s only now - almost a year into placement that I feel I can honestly assess the types of support that might be useful for my two because they’ve been in a state of flux. The thing I found most useful was having my own supports in place to hold me steady while I supported the kids through the transition. That’s something you can work on while there’s a gap between matching and intros which will make all the difference for your little one.

I notice she’s due to start school soon - I assume they’ll defer her for a year?

Totally agree I only no one person who’s had this done

I also agree that sadly if your unable to be flexible then maybe adoption isn’t right we all have plans however you have no idea how things may pan out I will never be able to work full time and tbh even with my bc it would of been pretty difficult the amount you spend on childcare pretty much equals the extra hours you work to be full time

UPDATE:

Well it was a good job panel was delayed as even when it did happen it lasted 3 hours as they were concerned about her speech, emotional development , not being potty trained and weren’t sure if she was going to be too much for a single adopter. Anyway, got in there and spoke from the heart.
Despite some comments on here, my commitment was never in doubt.

So after a long period of intros my girl has been home almost 2 months. Was fully potty trained within 3 weeks, her speech is now the same as any other child her age. She has started writting her name and is totally thriving and smashing milestones whilst we both have so much fun together.

What a wonderful update. Well done and congrats!

lovely news

Merry Christmas !

great news!

Wonderful news, congratulations!

Wonderful update. I remember your previous posts and am so glad it all worked out for you.

Great news , same happened too us child had CP was talking and potty trained within one month, just was that he needed change and love was institutionalised in the childrens home.
Have a merry Christmas you both deserve it, Well done.

Thank you all. Fasparent, great to hear your similar story.

Merry Christmas everyone xxx