Second link fallen through before panel

[Loopylas123]

Hi
I am a single adopter approved for a few years. In my PAR it clearly states that I can only afford to take 6 months off work.

I was linked to a little one last year and with less than a week to go before panel it was clear I had not been given the full story and was going to need longer off. I wasn’t daunted by it and was still fully committed but as I couldn’t find the money and neither could the LA it fell through. I was heartbroken and a few months later walked away from Adoption (not an easy choice)
A week later I got a call that another link that had been pursued had come through. Thinking this was fate I took a chance and went for it. Again being honest about what happened last time and that 6 months was my max. I was promised it wouldn’t be like last time. This little one is due to go to school and she has a few support needs but they are far less than the other little one. All of the paperwork states that the adopter would only need 6 months off.
Anyway with less than 2 weeks to matching panel they have looked at what money I would need to stay off for a year. They have offered support but it’s almost £500 less a month and on a single wage with a mortgage etc can’t be done. So it was made clear in that case as previously stated I can only take 6 months but they are now saying they want a 12 month commitment.
I am so disgusted with this all and annoyed with myself for coming back to this and allowing my heart to make a space for yet another little one who I am not being allowed to give a forever home to.

I know quite a few adopters who have taken less than 6 months off and others who had their wage matched. The whole thing just leaves you feeling a total failure and not good enough, when beyond what’s on paper I know I would have been a great Mum to both of those little ones. It really is time for me to walk away from Adoption and motherhood now.

Has anyone else been through this? How did you pick yourself back up?

That’s so heartbreaking, I can imagine you’re both disappointed and frustrated. I’m surprised though that you know folk who have had their salary matched - I know very few folk who have received an adoption allowance at all and then it’s been a proportion of the fostering fee. Almost all of them were awarded an allowance unexpectedly - ie they had planned to cover all costs themselves but the child or children they adopted fell for consideration because of their specific needs.

I know a few adopters who were able to go back to some form of work after 6 months, myself included, but certainly not full time work and even after a year I won’t be going back full time. It’s hard but they need to prioritise the potential needs of the child and many do have uncertainty around their needs and therefore around your earning potential post adoption. I worry that it makes adoption the preserve of middle class couples who can do the financial planning bit, but that’s a fight for another day.

Do you have capacity to be saving money while you wait to increase the time you can be off work, or look for a job with good adoption leave policies?

Hi thanks for the reply.

My current job is excellent and I have full pay for 18 weeks, with the option of working from home as and when I need.
The people I know who had the salary matched were single adopters. I never went into this expecting any handouts and that’s why I’ve been honest. Sadly the respective L.A’s have not been so honest.

This is really the end for me. It’s been a horrendous journey in my particular case. (I want to stress that I know this isn’t the case for everyone.)
I somehow need to get my head around what’s happened and what to do now with my life. I also hope and pray they find someone soon for little one

I would just smile and nod and agree with them. Take the adop allowance and you will find a way to make it work if you want it badly enough. Eg could you work from home to suplement your income etc .
Also once you have the adop order through you will be the legal parent and can make your own decisions on these things.
I am sorry things are so hard for you and really hope you find a way to make your adop dreams come true. X

Have you already pulled out then ? We alsk had a horrendous adop journey and sadly it is not unusual but i see you can work from home so that could be key !

My agency wouldn't allow you through unless you committed to one year.
I ran out of money unsurprisingly.... I was very lucky that my parents gave me, for the last three months enough to cover the mortgage and utilities, but i also got an interest free credit card and am trusting ut like a bank loan. Or what about an actual bank loan? I feel there is a way.

Treating it even. Trusting ut???

And like flapjack said, once adoption order comes through.....

We were told a year too, but once you have the adoption order you can then make those decisions yourself.

You can apply for this after 10 weeks, and it can take 2 weeks to 3+ months if no appeals, but if it all goes through within the 6 months it won't matter, and if it takes a bit longer I can't see them taking a child off you that's been with you for 6 months already!
Plus your child may not need you to be off for more than 6 months!

But, I 'get it' to a point as your child could also need you to be off for more than 12 months. I guess that's the risk with having a child, birth or adopted, you don't know what might happen down the line.

I think if people have had salaries matched then the children are either a sibling group and/or have very high needs.

I'm single and adopted 6 years ago. I have an adoption allowance which is the maximum the LA pays. Its very generous, but no where near my full time salary, approx 35%. Budget cuts mean adoption allowances are harder to get and I count myself very lucky.

I guess the thing is how badly do you want it? What changes are you prepared to make to make it happen. I had a job I loved in the voluntary sector. Great pay for a single person. Not so much for a single mum and only statutory adoption leave. So I got a different job.

I had a very tough road through adoption approval. It took me four years. The stubborness kicked in.
If it hasnt have worked out I think I would have to have made some other drastic change to my life.
My son and I have a little joke between us, where would I be without you. And I say, going to the gym, theatre, nice clothes, concerts, lovely holidays..... but that was the old life. I couldn't imagine having that old life without a child in the mix.
I think I would have retrained or looked for a lifestyle business such as a B&B or small holding, possibly emigrated.
Its a tough one - good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Hi. Thanks for all the messages.
It’s seems that honesty hasn’t been the best policy, but I’ve had to be honest and the way the support plan is worded it is tying me into something we never discussed and could cause us problems later down the line.
Anyway, it’s all academic now as when my Agency went back and said I was only agreeing to 6 months off and they suddenly said they required 12 months, panel was pulled.
I feel on both of these links I have had very little say. I actually have no idea what the scrutiny meetings and matching meetings do, because when the support plans are then put in writing my side seem shocked with what is written and just tell me it can’t go ahead.
I just wish my heart could be that easily switched on and off :( it’s so hard not to be invested this close to panel. Every waking hour has been filled with little one for over 2 months and now there is nothing, not even a follow up call from my Agency.
I have just called to make a complaint and am awaiting a call back.

I know I can’t make any rash decisions at the moment, but I feel I’ve given adoption my best shot and my heart can’t take anymore, so I think a life change will be on the cards at some point. This is not how I saw the journey ending.

So sorry to hear it has already been pulled. Can you go back and say you have rejigged finances and are taking a mortgage break, parents helping out etc etc.
You are right complete honesty is not always the best policy (sad but true ) as the " ivory tower brigade " are looking for the perfect scenario. You have nothing to lose by trying at this stage.
And i lost 2 matches which was v hard and like you i wanted to give up but i dusted myself down and moved forward and wouldnt change my little one for anything . So if you really want it , more than anything else in the world at this point in your life , dont give up. I am routing for you and hope to see good news on here one day x

Go back and say you are looking at how you can take more time off. Once the child is placed, they aren't going to take them away. If the child is about to start school then you could potentially return to work after 6 months and work from home after school.

I agree that yes, once the adoption order is in place, its up to you - I also think you should be very careful about not being completely honest.

My son was nearly 8 when he came home. He loves school, never had any problems there. At home it was a different story. Our 'honeymoon' period lasted about 4 months. I really wasn't fit for work at 6 months in. we were much more settled after a year, though I wish I could have had another four months off to see us over the second long summer holidays.
Don't forget there are 13 weeks of school holidays to cover. I certainly wouldnt have wanted to put him in school holiday clubs for a significant amount of time those first two years.

I am also a single adopter and I don’t know anyone who had their wages matched. I got an adoption allowance because I adopted a very hard to place school aged child, but it wasn’t at the level of my wages, more like the fostering allowance.

This was before there was paid adoption leave and also before social services budgets were so tight.

I’m sorry but I think you are unrealistic to think that 1. They will match your wages and 2. 6 months off will be enough.

Well you can be honest without cutting off your nose to spite your face as it were
I am not suggesting you outright lie but you could take the placement and work out the details later. .

So I got on the phone this afternoon and as well as having my say I suggested a compromise that after 6 months I return to work part time until Sept, they have agreed to this!!!
In all honesty I have no idea how it will pan out and I don’t see how anyone can foresee until we are in that situation but at least we have a compromise and a way forward. I’m still annoyed it’s happened this late again.
We just have to wait for a new panel date now.

fantastic, well done you!

Remember that you may well be entitled to tax credits. If she has additional needs she may qualify for DLA. Make sure you claim what you're entitled to.

I'm really pleased for you. Congratulations !!

Oh great news. Well done Loopy. So pleased for you.
Please let us know how things go . I will be watching for your updates. X

And don’t forget child benefit! I didn’t even realise we’d get that until the last day of intros and the foster carer told us!
That’s £82.80 a month!

So pleased! It will be fine and deffo worth it. I am still paying back my interest free credit card but it is worth every penny x

Thanks.
We are now facing another massive hurdle. Because they messed around and we missed panel, the next one isn’t until Aug, the problem is that F.C. is due to have a well deserved 2 week holiday and little one will now be going into respite with intros not starting until end of Sept!!!
L.O reacted very badly to respite last year , developing heartbreaking behaviour and it took months to recover. So I am soo angry LO has to go through this again, then resettle for a short time with F.C. before I come along. I don’t know what to do because I can’t sit at panel and pretend to be happy about this. I wish I could be the respite care and do more to protect L.O from these ridiculous decisions, how can all of this be in the best interest of the child??

Why can't intros start straight after panel? There's plenty of time to get it organised.

Can they really not squeeze you into July panel

Your SW needs to step up here and push for a sensible arrangement

Ted27 they are my thoughts exactly. I have had a full rant this afternoon. They want to wait for ratification of the match before intros and by then F.C. will be on holiday.

I think I need to make some calls tomorow and at least try and prevent this car crash from happening

How close to panel are the FC away? Once it’s agreed at panel surely they could place with you for deslite pending the decision maker rubber stamping (which usually takes a couple of weeks). Has the July panel taken place - meaning the August one will be early too - or is it just fully booked?

its amazing what they can do - if they want to.

I had a time pressure to start intros because my place of work was being abolished at the end of the financial year. As long as I was on leave before march 31 I qualified for the adoption leave package. They rushec it through.

Your situation has much more serious implications for the child. They need to sort it, are you in touch with the FC, can they kick up a fuss too. Its not exactly in their best interests either