Will the child feel like its mine and will people see it as we are not real parents?

[AmyJo63]

HI,

We are in the very early stages of discussing if adoption is for us. A major concern for me is that the child will not feel like it is mine and I won't love it like it is.

I am also concerned about people through life, won't see me and my husband as their proper parents and are just full-time babysitters I guess.

When you actually have the child, does this happen or am I being silly?

Thank you

Number one rule of adoption - develop a thick skin and ignore what other people think.

Some people have very strange ideas about adoption. Bottom line is you are you legal parent. It doesnt really matter what any one else thinks.

Yes you will love your child like they are yours, because they will be yours. If adoption is to be a success for you, the first thing you have to do is embrace it, your child, you are the parent. A
though love doesnt always come instantly - lots of birth parents will tell you that.

My son was nearly 8 when he arrived home, I would throw myself in front of a bus to protect him, he is absolutely, completely mine, I am not a foster carer or glorified baby sitter.

Having said that you cannot obliterate the fact that there is a birth family. Birth families are part and parcel of adoption. We have contact, I am not threatened by that because I am his mum.
Adoption is not always a rosy picture, it is a gamble, sometimes they drift back into the orbit of the birth family. Mostly they don't.
You are at the start of a long journey, its ok and normal to have worries and doubts. Keep asking the questions. Good luck

We bought home our son 8 weeks ago, and I struggled in the first 2 weeks. I wanted this for so long and didn't understand why I was suddenly being so selfish, thinking I could never have fun or go out with my friends again, that my whole life now revolved around him and his routine. But after those 2 weeks, and with support from my OH and friends, I started realising (again) why I'd done this.

Now, I love our son, but it wasn't instant and probably only happened the last few days!
My friends, who have birth children, said my feelings were perfectly natural, and they had the same when they had their children.

We were told they try and match children so they look like you! Our son has blue eyes, like me, but EVERYONE says he looks like my OH!

This forum is very helpful and friendly, so feel free to ask anything you wish.

I was adopted from 6 weeks, my birth father and mother came back into my life when I was 30 and it was initially very hard for my adopted parents, but nothing changed. I had 2 more people and their families in my life who cared about me but the people that had brought me up were still my parents.

Don't worry about what other people think just concentrate on your relationship with the child

I know several adopters - they are definitely parents in my eyes!!!

Regarding feeling like the DC are yours, even with birth children it's not always instant or quick! Apart from my first it took me months and months got them to feel like "mine" and not acting a role out. The love grows and grows over time.

I’m fairly sure everyone worries about this.

You will love your child because they’re your child but it mightn’t be instant. I started off by resolving to keep them alive and give them a nice life, a couple of weeks later I decided they were maybe alright actually, three or so months in I thought I was smitten but it turned out that was just the start.

As for other people, meh. Anyone I’ve met since we had the kids thinks they’re BC. If people who knew us previously think we’re baby sitting they’re smart enough to not say so.

And when your AC tells you you’re the ‘best mummy in the world ever’ you get to have a super extra smug feeling. 😀

I love my adopted DS as if I had grown him in my very own uterus. I cannot imagine loving him any more than I already do, it's just not possible. He's been with us for nearly 6 months and if it wasn't for the fact that I read him a bedtime story about adoption every night so we can open discussion about it when he's a bit older (he's 18mo - as I read to him I remind him that he has was adopted too and how lucky we are to have him), I would honestly forget he is adopted. He Is without a doubt the other part of my heart.

I have a birth child and an adopted child. The love is the same. It's not instant but it comes over time. As for ppl not seeing you as real parents I've not encountered it yet. Ppl I meet automatically assume they are both birth children. Family and friends treat both my kids the same.
Your not silly for wondering this. I think alot do.

Thank you for the reassurance...I am sure I will be posting more posts in the near future.

We're recent adopters. Our little boy has been with us for a couple of months. For us, it was love at first sight. Even before we met him, we found ourselves advocating for him and taking on social workers to prioritise his needs. It's something that I was really nervous about, but it's all worked out. I can't imagine my feelings would be any different for a birth child, to be honest.

Our children have been with us for more than 10 years.

I may be lucky / unobservant, but I have never had anyone implying we are anything less than full parents. Family on both sides completely accepted them as full members.

I find it hard to think I could have loved any birth children more than my two adopted DCs. I suspect however that I may feel more protective of them because I know how much they have been through.

My 3 have been with us for almost 2 years. At first, there were points where I couldn't STAND them. But that passed, and now I feel guilty when I think back to those early days.
I would fight to the death for those kids, and I love them to the point of madness. I am proud of them, and totally in awe of them. And as others have said, I can't imagine loving birth kids any more than the ones I have adopted.
Good luck with your journey.

Many people don’t

But do I give to fucks
Nope
Someone asked me just yesterday I didn’t know you weren’t their reall mum

I said so who is then
No answer

Great answers.

Will the child feel like its mine

Yes. It is impossible to describe if you haven't had kids, but it's a visceral, consuming love. You aren't thinking about whether they inherited that CCGACGC sequence about halfway up chromosome 19 when you are wiping up vomit.

The first few months will be hard and may feel odd and distant (not the norm, but common). There will be hard times (however you have a child). It is sooo worth it.

will people see it as we are not real parents

Most people will never know. Of those who do the overwhelming majority will be incredibly kind and supportive. A few will be a bit tactless because adoption is relatively poorly understood. If you are very unlucky you might meet a dickhead with a problem IRL, but I never have.

am I being silly? Yes, you are. Perfectly normal, we all worry about these things. You will be amazed about the things you find to worry about once you have kids.

And when your AC tells you you’re the ‘best mummy in the world ever’ you get to have a super extra smug feeling. 😀

And so you should feel smug because unfortunately they do have something else for comparison.

I'm sure these feelings are normal OP, and as an adopted person who was luckily placed with the right parents I loved them whole heartedly and miss them terribly, I think of them daily and they've both been dead for 10 years now.
The giving birth is the easy bit, the next 18 years is parenting. I'm still parent to ds1 he'll be a Dad in October, and 27, It's certainly nothing to do with baby sitting do with babysitting. It's strange that somebody would suggest this
Good luck OP, I hope it works out well for you.

I felt like I had stolen someone’s child for a few months. Our SW said that was quite common. Now it just feels like we are normal family. Our son is a different ethnicity to us and the “where is his real mum” brigade occasionally pop up from somewhere. Usually where you least expect them! Some people are obsessed with DNA and children looking like their parents. After a while you just learn how to respond and let it roll over you. Loving Metoodear’s response.

Great replies. Agree with it all.

Bang what story do you read? Sorry that this is off topic

Took about a year for AD to feel 100% mine. When we first got her I used to be paranoid that everyone could tell she wasn’t “mine” because I didn’t have a clue! I remember being stopped in the supermarket by a very intense woman who said “what beautiful eyes she has! Where does she get them from? Who?” I felt awkward. I always get asked who she takes after with her curls too. We are now 2.5 years in and you get used to it.

One thing that still winds me up though is the amount of “jokes” in films about adoption and soaps using terms like “real” parents. Still fucks me off. I forget what classic film it is where Vince Vaughn says “hey, you’re adopted” as an insult to a kid. You notice it a lot more when you have adopted!

Oh and people ALWAYS say how “like her dad” she is. She looks nothing like him but people insist she looks just like him. So most people just see what they want to see anyway!

Hi.

I just wanted to add my tuppence, can't say I speak for all adopted people.

"real mum" used to upset me when I was young.
Such an insult to my real mum who adopted me.
Real was the nursing through many of the childhood diseases we have jabs for now.
Real was cooking and feeding us, supporting and encouraging us, loving us as any good parent does.
Please don't think on this, your children know the truth.

The pp who says they talk to their 18 month old about adoption. You don't need my reassurance I'm sure, but this was how we were raised in the 60's when we were not alone, far more adopted children than now.
I knew I was a "dopted', how I heard it, long before I could understand what it meant, I just knew I was one. It came as no shock when my parents spoke of it later.

@gillybeanz lovely post.

I was just coming on to say 'Will the child feel like its mine'...

It is caring for the child when they are unwell, hugging them when they are upset, laughing with them, feeding them, hearing them say 'get up and put that cup down so I can give you a hug'.

When ds was first with us we met his foster carer for a play date (she was and is an INCREDIBLE person). At the play centre my son bashed his head and I held my breath and waited to see what would happen! He walked past the foster carer and walked up to me, he said ' I need a mummy cuddle!'

You will be their mum, with all the joy and all the heartache, you will do it for you, but more than that, you will do it for them.

xx

My big boy is currently sleeping with his leg casually slung over my chest. Pretty sure he feels like mine. Pretty sure I feel like his. Anyone else can go to hell (although actually everyone else thinks we are pretty much “real parents”!)

Thank you, these messages are very re-assuring.

Just a thought about “real” or “not real” mums. I’m an approved adopter and I cringe when I remember a time at the start of the journey I asked my friend about her daughters “real mum”. Honestly, i wince at the thought of that moment BUT... she answered with “her birth Mum x, y, z”. I got it. She gave me the language I didn’t have in my vocabulary - I didn’t know what to call the birth Mum, birth family etc. I am finding the same on my own journey, a lot of people ask about “real mums” or other things like “the children are so young it’s good they won’t remember” their first two years. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to educate people - I didn’t ever mean it as an insult or see my friend as less than a fantastic mum. But the same way you have to give your child language to understand the world around them, we should give people the language to talk about adoption rather than shut them down or potentially shaming them or making them feel silly. I am so grateful my friend offered me the language I needed and will be paying it forward to all those people who do and will say the same to me. If they continue to use the wrong language or say it with spite or malice, that’s a different story right? But let’s give people a chance to talk about adoption by helping them to understand...

Just a thought.