31 year old giving baby up for adoption from hospital.

[NBGAF]

Hello hope this is the right place to talk to anyone who is or has gone through what I am. I am currently 34 weeks pregnant and have been going through adoption for the baby. The reasons behind my decision are I was raped by my ex partner and his friend. I did not know I was pregnant as the baby was under my ribcage I’m health and run a lot so never had periods due to a athlete diet.

I know this is hard for people to hear but I need advice
1 I’m giving this baby up no matter what
2 why do I have to register the birth can anyone do it on my behalf do not want ex knowing as he will kill me and this baby.
3 I wanted this baby to be a gift to a couple who could not have there own children and make them happy (best out of a shit situation) but the social and adoption team are planning to give the baby to a couple who already have children of there own.
4 I know I’m giving up this baby there is lots of advice out there for adopting and fostering but non for anyone in my situation
This is my first and it’s healthy.
5 I never found out the sex or seen/have a picture of the scan but the social want me too why is this?

Hi, sorry to hear what a shit time you have had

To answer your questions:
2) the baby is yours until legally adopted. The adoptive family cannot apply for an Adoption Order until the baby has been living with them for 10 weeks, and the birth will need to be registered before then. Only a legal parent can register the birth, so it has to be you.
3) unfortunately in the UK we do not have a system where birth parents can choose adoptive parents for their baby. Social workers should consider your wishes but ultimately this family will have been chosen for a reason.
4) sorry I'm not aware of any resources but the social care team should really be supporting you with this.
5) I can only imagine the social worker wants you to bond with your child, because if you've bonded with them and still go through with the adoption that's fine...but if you don't bond before the birth, you might get overwhelmed with emotions at the birth and change your mind (you may be sure this won't happen but they don't know that).

I really hope you get the support you need and deserve. And wanted to say how brave I think you are.

Thanks for taking the time to reply, I have kept this a secret for so long I have completed the paperwork just can't sign over till it's born. I know wherever the baby goes it will have a better life than resentment from me I feel nothing when it moves I just remember.
I do trust the foster/social system but feel like it's missing the vital part of help for people like me. They say they can put me in a support group but there is not many qualified people to talk to on a 1-1 basis I have done a letter for when baby is 18 but that is it I don't want contact or a year letter this might make me heartless but I just don't get why they can't give this baby to a couple who can't conceive have tryed every option.
I don't want it to be dragged from family to foster to social I just want it to be a gift.

I'm just going to have to hope that the social and foster people will have the best interest.

Have they put you in touch with Barnados? I know they support birth families.

I completely understand why in your circumstances why you want to distance yourself from the baby, but you may find you are asked to consider meeting the adoptive parents and letterbox contact because this will be for the benefit of the child. If there is no contact, the baby will grow up feeling ashamed and rejected. The baby needs to know that you had their best interests at heart and that you care about them. But ultimately you cannot be pressured into anything you are not comfortable with.

And with regard to the family already having children, you could see this as a positive in that the baby will grow up with siblings as part of a big family. I don't have birth children but my husband has a son who is with us half the time, and I am so glad our adopted son has a big brother. His lofe in better because of his brother.

Please always feel free to come and post on here. You will absolutely not ever be judged and we can support you.

Also to pick up on this point:

I just don't get why they can't give this baby to a couple who can't conceive have tryed every option

Your baby will not be any less loved just because of this. We didn't exhaust every option. As soon as we found out we could not conceive naturally we chose to adopt, no fertility treatment whatsoever. It doesn't mean we weren't as desperate for a child as those who underwent treatment first. I didn't want to go through treatment and then choose adoption if it didn't work, as I was worried any eventual adopted child might feel they were the "last resort" and that we were desperate for a biological child, and adoption was second choice when that didn't work. I am absolutely not judging anyone who did choose that route, because having a biological child is a biological urge for most, it just wasn't for me.

I never thought of it like that ❤️ I'm one of 4 and enjoyed every part of of growing up with siblings. Thanks I feel better about that part now. Thank you x

Glad to have helped! Feel free to PM me if you ever need a handhold or a shoulder to cry on

After Adoption may be able to offer support:

www.afteradoption.org.uk/birthparentsupport/

Just wanted to check you are aware that your ex doesn't need to be anything to do with registering the birth or be on the birth certificate.

All the best, such a tough situation for you

I would be very very careful that your ex knows nothing about this, and is not anywhere near the birth cert. Technically, the baby's father could stop any adoption, and gain custody. (Awful, I know.) But if they don't know details, they'd need to be very motivated.

1. That's ok. Please consider writing a bit down for the parents, so they get the story first hand, and maybe things like your hopes for the baby, and what you were like as a child. This will allow them to share with the child appropriately, and kids love to know "your birth mum was a gymnast, just like you!"

2. You need to register the baby, and you need to make sure the ex is not there, and doesn't get PR.

1. As others have said, there will be a reason this family have been chosen. Please ask whether this is foster to adopt or early permanence. Often, relinquished babies are put in foster care in case the mother changes her mind, meaning the baby has the loss of birth mum, and the loss of foster carers, and so at least double the trauma. Are this family definitely planned adopters, not foster carers?

1. There are the occasional threads on here about relinquished babies, I would search "relinquish" and "adopt", and see what comes up.

1. They may want to know the sex for matching. They may be worried that if you haven't seen the baby, you'll be more likely to change your mind. This is up to you, don't feel pressured either way.

Are you prepared for birth? Have you considered an elective section? Frankly, vaginal birth is better for babies, if possible, but in terms of your difficult situation, and the stats, I'd give serious consideration to a n elective section as the safest birth for you. You don't want your own health at risk.

Good luck, you're a brave woman.

Just to let you know our second son was a relinquished baby. We chose not to have fertility treatment and adopted no. 1 and the social workers picked us for our second son when he was relinquished. He is no less loved for being number two, no less a gift and the sws picked us because they thought we were the right match for him (including our eldest). They couldn’t have been more right; the boys adore each other, they even look alike and have the same cheeky laugh. Gosh, I am glad they chose us!

Oh, and bm didn’t register the birth, the sw did but they did have an emergency protection order as birth mum had a bit of a complicated history.

My eldest son’s birth sister was also relinquished and she is also definitely with the right family, and she is the third child. She is completely adored.

Good luck, you are very strong.

Just wanted to say good luck. I'm an adopter and foster carer. I cared for a relinquished baby until he went home with his new family. He was adored by us and of course by his forever family.
The only advice I would add is to ensure your baby is going through foster to adopt rather than foster care first then adoption. This means they will be with their family from the beginning. I know of a case in our local authority where the birth mum was able to meet adoptive mum before the birth and the adoptive mum was actually in the room when the baby was born which I think was incredibly brave of birth mum and so lovely for the baby. Would it be useful for you to meet potential adoptive mum before the baby is born?
I really admire you sorting this out before the baby is born. I hope you are able to access the support you will need after baby is born.

Op, you are a very very brave and strong woman.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through what you did.

I've no advise as my "issue" didn't result in pregnancy. However I just wanted to offer support for you. good luck.

I'm so sorry you've had such an awful experience.💕I don't know much about adoption, but my friend and her husband recently adopted a baby girl. They have two sons of their own and didn't think they'd be considered for an infant. But the SW said new babies generally thrive better with experienced parents. I understand you wanting the baby to go to a couple who have exhausted all possibilities of concieveing, but your little one will go straight into the arms of an experienced mum and dad and into a loving family. I think that has more chance of success as they know just what to expect and exactly what baby needs. Hope this helps a little. 🍀💕

@NBGAF I am so very sorry to hear about your experiences.

I believe you can put father unknown on the birth certificate and so there is no legal record.

You can talk to someone at the hospital about the registering of the birth.

"Other people who can register a birth
If the parents can’t register the birth (eg for medical reasons), certain other people can do it:

someone who was present at the birth
someone who is responsible for the child
a member of the administrative staff at the hospital where the child was born"

www.gov.uk/register-birth/who-can-register-a-birth

@BPG20 Wise words about being part of a family with other children. We have a birth daughter and an adopted son.

However when you say..."If there is no contact, the baby will grow up feeling ashamed and rejected." I really don't agree. I do not think you can project this onto any child. Even if you know someone who has had that experience - either as an adopted child or an adopter.

My son is adopted. We receive letters from the birth parents to keep us informed, we do not show them to our son (in case they stop) but drip feed in bits of info. I definitely think that letter box is a good idea, but I don't think we can assume what a child will feel if letterbox is not in place.

NBGAF
I am so sorry for your situation.
Just would like to say we had 3 birth children, and have adopted 8, I can promise you our adopted children are loved as much as our homegrown children.
Good luck and you sound a lovely person.

So sorry to hear what has happened to you. I am adopted and think of myself as so lucky to have been raised by such a loving family. I know nothing of my background other than the fact that I came from a home for unmarried mothers at a time when there was much stigma around that so it's pretty much guaranteed that my birth mother would not have been in a position to give me the good life I have had. I was always made to feel special and chosen rather than abandoned or rejected. I hope you will be able to move on with your life after this and find happiness.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I can't imagine and my heart goes out to you.
I don't think you are bad for not wanting to keep contact, or letter box contact, it will bring it back everytime.
A loving family will enable the child to grow up feeling loved and wanted, and letters aren't essential.
Thousands of us grew up without them and didn't have any ill effect.
Maybe of some use if the child is older and has been removed, but if they have known no other parents, then not necessary at all.
My mum and dad, were my parents, not the person who gave birth to me.
I wish you well, my love and for you. x

OP

I just wanted to say that you're a very brave and special women OP, and I admire how you're trying to give your baby the best start.

My eldest sons father isn't on his birth certificate, he's was a bit of a deadbeat and didn't turn up on the day i was registering his birth, so my son's birth certificate just has me on it. He's now 9 and it's never been changed. I imagine that type of thing is quite common.

I second the sentiment that experienced parents might cope better with a newborn. I know my husband was totally shell-shocked by the arrival of our daughter, and tbh I think he struggled with it for a while and found it really hard to adjust. Not saying that all new parents will feel this way, but I imagine experienced parents are less likely to struggle in this way.

I'll keep you in my prayers for the days ahead. Xxx

Hey, this is similar to my own situation in many ways so I'm going to share my experience in the hope it helps you be it emotionally or practically.
My birth son was conceived during a violent rape during an extremely abusive relationship. I relinquished at birth. He was delivered via c-section and I had nobody present - this was absolutely my choice. My community midwife had briefed the hospital so they knew what the situation was.
I was adamant I didn't want to meet him, and I didn't til he was 2 weeks old. I met him in a contact centre so the risks regarding his biological father were managed. I'd originally said I didn't want to register his birth my self but I changed my mind. It was gut wrenchingly difficult to let him go having met and spent time with him but it was the right thing for both of us at the time.
Social workers did try and put pressure on me during pregnancy to get scan photos - however ultimately it is your decision. I didn't give into that demand either.
I wasn't sure how to handle his adoption but I worked hard dealing with my own feelings and the risks involved. I have met his mum and we exchange letterbox letters which isn't something I thought I could do - social services have no record of my address to minimise the risk, I collect letters in person.
Be kind to you - it gave me a shock how little control I had once he was in care so be prepared for that. The court process can be lengthy even for relinquished babies and you will be asked to either attend or speak via solicitors/Social workers.
The balls in your court right now lovely, you have a few weeks of complete control left, use it wisely. Be considerate of your feelings, it's ok to change your mind even about things that feel like absolutes right now. I'm happy to talk further if you've got questions or want to.

That's absolutely brilliant advice Anxious. I didn't know how to say that without sounding as if I was judgementally pushing in one direction or the other. Well said.

I am so sorry for what you have been through.

As you said both the ex and his friend raped you then 'father unknown' on the birth certificate isn't technically a lie.

@Anxious123 reading your story is heart breaking. Thank you for sharing it to help @NBGAF know she is not alone.

You are both so brave and strong, even if it does not feel that way. Thinking of you both. I'm a mum to a birth daughter and a son by adoption. I can honestly say I love them equally. I sincerky hope , NBGAF, that the best possible family will be found for your child and that you will have peace amid this difficult situation.

Thank you so much for your support on here. I have gave birth. 5 weeks premature. Recovering well and baby is with a couple who have stepped up and gone for foster to adopt. I appreciate all of everyone kind words it is the right choice for myself to still go through with everything. Thank you for not judging me and helping me through my final choice I can not thank you enough x
I'm receiving counciling and the support off the adoption team.

Thank you for the update, and I'm glad you're both doing ok.

I wish you a speedy physical recovery, and also a speedy mental one, if at all possible.

I'm sure your baby's new mum and dad are thrilled, what a wonderful thing you've done for all of you- they all get the family they need, and you get the recovery time and chance to heal you need.

You've had an awful time, as has anxious above, and my thoughts are with both you brave women.

@NBGAF you are a brave and amazing woman.