To tell DD1 that she shouldn't constantly muscle in on DD2 and her friends at school?

[Lizzie48]

DD1 (9) has always struggled to make friends at school. I've spoken about this before on this board. We faced this problem last year and the therapist who assessed her noted from her observations that the other children were excluded and she wasn't able to interact with them. She told me that she played with her 'invisible fairies' in the play, which I found very sad.

The school put work into helping her with this. One of the TAs helped her learn strategies for making friends, alongside a few other children who were having difficulties. She was also told that she should speak to her teacher about it if she had a problem and they would ask for volunteers to play with her. They used their 'wow' system as an incentive. )You get 'wows' for good behaviour, with a merit certificate awarded once they've earned a certain number of 'wows'.

It seemed to be working and DD1 also became close to one child in particular. But she doesn't always want to play with DD1, which is of course her right.

But instead of speaking to the teacher, she tags along with DD2 (6) and her friends. The problem is that DD2 is very much resenting this now, and has said that she doesn't want DD1 to join in. It all came to a head on Friday when apparently she threw DD1's sun hat over the fence. DD2 is denying this, she says that DD1 did it. It doesn't really matter who's telling the truth in this, but I can believe that DD2 did do it (although DD1 is considerably taller so I'm slightly sceptical).

Anyway, I've told DD1 that she shouldn't muscle in on DD2 and her friends, she should play with friends from her own year. She was upset, saying that she didn't have many friends, and I do feel bad about it. However, I also understand very well why DD2 feels that way, as DD1 does hurt her at home (she hurts me too). The school also seem to have stopped helping her with this. Though maybe they overlook it precisely because DD1 is regularly trying to play with DD2.

I hate to think that DD1 would end on her own as a result of this, but DD2 has shown annoyance about this before. I'm really wondering how some of you would handle this?

@FizzyKnickers thank you, that actually sounds like a great idea to try. We'll definitely give that a go.

OP when I was really struggling with one of my dc, I rushed to buy the books I recommended to you, and they were amazing. Other mumsnet users had said the same thing - just amazing. I didn't particularly struggle at school with social things, but like almost everyone else I know who has read the adult book, I learned a lot, it was an absolute epiphany and gave me huge insights to help dc. The book for children has a really, really good way of looking at things which dc picked up after we read it together several hundred times (a LOT of repetition). In all honesty from what you have said about your dd, it really is not surprising that she is struggling day to day at the moment, and that something which is fun for you in the garden is a very difficult thing for her - it really isn't surprising - and please don't see it as a permanent thing as there is every possibility she can be helped to get through this.

One problem is that if you see it as sad, so will she, and she will pick up on how your deal with problems and copy.

Also maybe can you think about changing schools so they are different schools?

I just wanted to update this, as this situation has actually got worse. One of DD2's friends is complaining that she's scared of DD1 and hates her and doesn't want her to join in their games anymore. DD1 still has buddies, but when the buddy isn't there then she goes back to muscling in. She's had a falling out with the one friend she has in her year as well.

Thankfully, DD2's friend's mum is very understanding and tries not to get involved in play time spats. But it's clearly causing a lot of angst, which I think the school needs to address. I also don't want DD1 to end up in trouble for bullying. This mum is understanding, but other parents might not be.

I'm sure DD1 is only playing, but she's 3 years older and much taller. She's also very excitable, which I can well understand could be scary for younger children. (She's in year 5 and DD2 is in year 2.)

DD1 is being assessed for therapy at the moment, hopefully this will start properly soon. The real sadness is that she doesn't seem able to make friends her own age.